This Is Just My Face
Yes, I’m okay
No, I’m not sad
Yes, I’m having fun
No, you didn’t do something wrong
Yes, I like hanging out with you
No, I’m not bored
Please stop asking
Please just know
That this is just my face
As I listen
This is just my expression
As I observe
This is just my appearance
As I take it all in
Also, I’m a cat
So if I were to suddenly laugh
Your brain would just snap
i did the math
You
Me
Just us
I did the math
I ran the numbers
I accounted for everyone
Or at least we two
But then you had to go
And invite a third
Which accounts for the awkwardness
Of the three of us
Naked
In bed
You two staring
At this one
Sitting on the edge wondering where I fit in
The Loudest
The loudest voice
Is not always the strongest
The wisest
The truest
Or even the most confident
Voice
It’s just the voice
That demands to be heard
That screams to be heard
That has to be heard
So they can’t be questioned
So they won’t be doubted
So they don’t have to hear
Someone else say “No”
And we’re all complicit
And we all allow it
And I hate myself for it
As I look away
Instead of looking to myself
Instead of finding the courage
To exclaim
“Why did my person adopt a pygmy goat?”
“Those things never shut up!”
Go Along With It
You want to invite
Someone over
Then you want to invite
Their friend over
Then you want to invite
Everyone you’ve ever known over
And I can’t tell you “No”
Because then you’ll think I’m selfish
Because then you’ll think I’m dull
And because now you’re mistaking my every meow for “Sure!”
why so serious?
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HA!
Okay, I just pissed myself with laughter
So never think that my serious expression
So don’t assume that my contemplative look
Means that I don’t know how to have a good time
Heh
Urinating like a burst hydrant on your good sheets
That will never stop being funny to me
Networking
I’m bad at networking
It strikes me as crass
As false
As absent
Of any true connection
So I stumble
So I fumble
So I knock some change on the floor
Quite a bit, actually
A few of them are even quarters
Because really in the end
Isn’t money what this is all about?
means of exit
Never
Not ever
Not once
Not under
Any circumstance
May you
Block my means of exit
At a social gathering
I’ve clawed my way through couch legs
I’m willing to bet human ones
Go down much faster
kitty litter
Scritch scratch
Scritch scratch
I go to my bathroom
To recharge
Scritch scratch
Scritch scratch
Then I go to my bathroom
To reset
Scritch scratch
Scritch scratch
Then I go to my bathroom again
To ready myself
To be around people once more
Scritch
. . . Scratch?
Then I come out of the bathroom
To realize
Everyone now thinks
I have a blocked colon
Or maybe a coke habit
peace
Press
Press
Press
Press
Press my paw
Against your nose
Only to find
It’s not the mute button
Crap
I’m never going to have a moment’s peace to think
Space
I see no reason
Why you must sit so close
When there’s another perfectly
Good couch
You could go buy for this room
acknowledgments
A HUGE thank-you to my family, my friends, Scott Mendel, Patty Rice, Kirsty Melville, Diane Marsh, Elizabeth Garcia, Tamara Haus, and my two cats Kiki and Leelo, who hope their mention here doesn’t mean they have to do any publicity for this book.
In memory of my dad.
check out these other great titles from andrews mcmeel publishing!
All Cats Are Introverts Page 3