Destroy: (The Blades of Acktar 3.5)
Page 9
Keevan leaned against the doorjamb, the slanting sunlight highlighting the white scar across his cheek and neck. He remained silent.
“Is there something I can do for you, sir?” Addie gripped the broom handle until the wood cut into her palms. Somehow, her voice stayed steady, even if her heartbeat wasn’t. “Your throat probably hurts after all that talking, doesn’t it? Would you like me to fetch a hot towel? Or something to drink?”
That’s all she was. His servant, his nurse. The one who could tell when he’d strained his weakened throat muscles with too much talking, who knew the best methods to soothe that ache, and one of the few who had guessed his fear of one day losing his voice entirely.
“No, I’m fine.” Keevan cleared his throat, a sure sign that he considered his next words important. “Could you please walk with me?”
Did he have something he wanted to discuss with her? Another widow whose home Addie could help clean or an old couple who needed someone to see to their needs? Addie leaned the broom against the wall and dusted off her hands. “All right.”
Keevan’s far-too-blue eyes swept over her. “It’s a request, not an order. If you’re too busy, I can come back later.”
Did he have to keeping doing things to make her heart race and ache at the same time? It would’ve been so much easier if he simply gave her orders.
But he always asked. Always made sure she knew she could refuse.
“Now is fine.” Might as well get this conversation over with. She’d never be able to get back to work if she knew Keevan wanted to speak with her. It would send her mind into too many scenarios and her heart into too many daydreams.
Somehow, she made it out the door and fell into step a few paces behind him. The respectful distance of a servant to her prince. Actually, it was still too close, but every time Addie tried to put more distance between them, Keevan halted and waited for her to catch up.
Keevan led her from the village and into the trees bordering the lake. He didn’t stop until the bustle of people had faded into the soft lapping of water on the pebbled bank and the whisper of pine trees murmuring in the breeze.
Whatever he wanted to talk about must be secret, but why would he take her out here? Why not call her into his study at the main cabin?
This spot, it was almost…romantic. Which wasn’t possible. It was probably just convenient.
Keevan cleared his throat again and rubbed at his scar. When he spoke, his face was turned toward the lake. “Addie, are we friends?”
She caught her breath. There was no safe way to answer that. Did he want her to say yes or no? If she said yes, wouldn’t that overstep the servant-prince relationship? But if she said no and he’d wanted her to say yes, he’d be hurt.
But weren’t they already friends in some way? She’d thought so on the trail all those years ago when Keevan had joined her and her brothers for a game of Raiders, the first of many games over that journey and every winter since. Surely their shared laughter and smiles made them friends.
“Yes.” She rubbed her hands over her arms, the callouses on her palms and fingers catching on the fabric of her sleeves.
The rasp in Keevan’s voice grew until she could barely pick out his next words. “Do you ever want something more?”
She couldn’t answer this question. It wasn’t safe for either of them. How did he suspect? What had she done to give herself away?
He had brought her out here to set her straight on how misplaced her feelings were. That’s why he’d chosen this private setting rather than call her into his office where everyone would see her enter and leave. At least this way, she’d be able to run off to cry in peace.
What should she say? Should she apologize and promise her feelings would never get in the way of her duties? Or should she lie and tell him she never wanted anything more than friendship and duty?
What would hurt him less to hear?
“No.” The lump in her throat turned the lie as raspy as Keevan’s voice.
He flinched and sucked in a deep breath. “I see. May I ask why?”
Why did he have to keep interrogating her? Couldn’t he just stop and let her get back to her work and her hidden daydreams and leave it at that?
Addie hugged her arms to her stomach. “You’re a prince, and I’m a scullery maid. It would be foolish of me to…to entertain notions just because you did me the honor of considering me a friend.”
There, that sounded proper and dignified, didn’t it? With his face turned away from her, he thankfully couldn’t see the blush that heated her face.
“It isn’t because of the reputation I had at Nalgar Castle?” He still wouldn’t look at her, his body still except for the rise and fall of his shoulders.
“No, I…” Her throat closed. Nalgar Castle, and the fear she’d once felt walking the corridor by the princes’ rooms, seemed so long ago. She closed her eyes, remembering the long hours she’d spent in Keevan’s room at Walden reading book after book to him to ease his boredom. The times she’d sat across from him, holding a one-sided, nonsense conversation and the aching pauses while she waited for him to struggle through forming a single word to answer her. He’d never done anything to make her fear him then.
Even now, alone in this secluded nook of lake and trees, she couldn’t imagine him doing anything worse than this interrogation.
“I had that reputation for a reason, you know.” Keevan remained still as the boulders behind him. “One time, I didn’t stop when a maid said no. I didn’t stop even when she started crying, and I wouldn’t have stopped except that Uncle Laurence caught me in time. I didn’t even know her name, and the worst part is, that up until the moment he caught me, I didn’t care. That’s the sort of boy I was, and I pray each and every day I never become again.”
She should’ve been shocked by his confession. But it was as if he was telling her a story about someone else, someone she didn’t know. Because she didn’t know that Keevan. She only knew the man standing in front of her, the man who would memorize the names of seven children in a family of peasant farmers from Deadgrass just so that he could give each of them a smile.
If she was his friend, then she had to tell him her heart, this part of it at least. Her own gaze latched onto the lake as if its ripples could save her from drowning in this mess of her own heart’s choosing. “Whatever boy you were then, he died in Nalgar Castle the night the Blades attacked. You have never treated me anything less than decently. I think…I think someone who has truly repented and prays for God’s strength to fight temptation will receive that strength. It is possible to change.”
“But what if that change isn’t permanent? What if it’s still possible to fall back into the same weakness and hurt someone you cared about?”
She shivered and hugged her arms tighter to her stomach. He should ask one of the ministers who’d fled to Eagle Heights over the years. Surely one of them would have a much better answer.
“I think it’s time to experience God’s forgiveness and let go of your guilt. Hanging onto it and punishing yourself isn’t going to atone for anything you might have done in the past. Only Jesus can do that.”
The silence dragged on for several minutes. Addie tried not to shift. She had to be patient, like she’d been years ago when waiting for him to force his damaged throat muscles to work.
Keevan trailed his thumb over his scar, and his body relaxed, though his face remained turned away from her. “Honestly, I thought you would be a lot more shocked when I told you.”
Maybe she would’ve been a few years ago. But, it wasn’t as if the story was a surprise to her. “Well, I’m not. There aren’t many secrets among servants at a castle.”
“And you still saved me that night?”
“You were hurt. I didn’t stop to think too much about it.” But now, Keevan had matured into the kind of man she could…Addie couldn’t even let herself think the word. Especially not with Keevan leaning against a tree only a few feet away.
He
blew out a long breath. “Since my past isn’t an issue…what if I wasn’t the prince, and we were just Keevan and just Addie…would you want more than just friendship?”
He turned to her then, his eyes searching her face. And Addie found she couldn’t lie to him, not when he had opened himself before her like that.
“Yes.” The word was nothing more than a whisper, but in the stillness beside the lake, a whisper was loud enough.
Keevan’s gaze didn’t waver. “And what if I wanted the same?”
She closed her eyes. Would it have been easier if he’d never said it? If they could’ve gone on as they had been? But now, they had to figure out where they went, and nothing good could come of that. Not between a prince and a scullery maid.
When she forced herself to face him again, he’d come within arm’s reach of her, but he didn’t touch her. “If I asked to court you, would you say yes?”
She steeled herself. They’d gone too far. They’d been too honest. Both of them were going to be hurt, and the best thing now was to end this before it went too far. “No. I can’t.”
“Why not?”
With the rasp to Keevan’s voice, Addie couldn’t read any emotion in it. Why couldn’t he just let this go? Walk away and never speak to her again as anything more than a servant? Couldn’t he see this was killing her?
She stepped back, turning to face the lake. “I’m a scullery maid. I can’t be anything more than that.”
“And I’m just the prince who out of all my brothers lived when I shouldn’t have. I can’t be king, yet someday I’ll have to be if we win this war.” Keevan’s rasp remained a few feet behind her. “And if that day comes, I’d like to face it with you as my queen.”
He couldn’t really mean that. This…thing here at Eagle Heights couldn’t last once they returned to Acktar. There were rules, and no one, not even a king, was allowed to break them.
She’d run out of room to retreat. The pebbles on the lakeshore squeaked beneath her boots when she gathered her courage to face Keevan again. “Don’t you see? I can’t be your queen. I’m a scullery maid. My mother was a scullery maid before she worked her way up to assistant cook. My grandmother was a scullery maid. Princes don’t marry scullery maids.”
“Who’s going to argue?” Keevan’s mouth quirked as he waved back toward the village. “There aren’t any of the nobility here, and the people that are here would be more than happy to see one of their own marry their prince. By the time we return to Acktar, if ever, you would be my princess.”
“But…there’s politics…” The words sounded faint, even in her own ears. Why was she protesting so much when Keevan was saying more than she’d ever daydreamed about?
She didn’t dare let herself hope. It would only hurt all the more when it fell apart.
“I don’t want this to be about politics, but if you want to make it that way, then consider this. Acktar changed when the Blades killed my family. Respen has torn this country apart, and if I married the daughter of a noble from either side, the other would see it as favoritism. It would only foster bitterness. But a scullery maid? A marriage clearly out of love and not political? Both sides would just shake their heads.”
She was shaking, her eyes blurring so much she could barely make out Keevan’s form standing once again within arm’s reach. She had to keep denying the way her heart was clamoring for her to give in. This couldn’t happen between them. She loved him too much to ever get in the way of his future crown.
He stretched out a hand but still didn’t touch her. “May I?”
He’d walk away if she said no. But as much as her mind yelled no, her heart lodged in her throat and wouldn’t let the word out. Instead, she found herself nodding yes.
Keevan’s hand touched her hair, curving her curls through his fingers. “Addie, I don’t want you to be more than you are. I want you to be the girl who had enough courage to leave her hiding spot in a Blade-infested castle to see if any of the royal family still lived, who spent months at the bedside of a mute prince smiling and laughing until he finally smiled back, and who cleans cabins without ever expecting recognition for your efforts. You are enough just as you are.”
She leaned her cheek into his hand, wishing she was strong enough to drag her heart back to where it belonged. There were certain boundaries a servant and a prince didn’t cross, yet he was daring her to cross them with him. And she found herself wanting to defy everything to do it.
“I’m not asking you to rule with me. I want you to serve alongside me.” Keevan tipped his head toward her, but he kept several inches of space between them except for his hand caressing her face. “Is there really a difference between a scullery maid and a queen? One serves the castle; the other serves the country.”
“Keevan, I…” His name slipped out, and it destroyed the last of her resolve. She leaned her head against his shoulder. “Yes. That’s my answer. Yes.”
Keevan wrapped his arm around her waist. For a moment, they weren’t a scullery maid and a prince. They were just Keevan and just Addie. And it was perfect.
After a moment, Keevan stepped back and eyed her. “I don’t know why you even like me. You’ve given me my smile. You don’t flinch when I talk. What have I ever given you?”
What had he given her? Surely she wasn’t one of those empty-headed girls who fell for a man’s charms and looks without any substance to it?
But Keevan’s voice was too harsh to have charm and his scar too gruesome to be handsome.
Perhaps it was the way he saw people. The way he saw her. As if every person here at Eagle Heights was important. As if he knew he carried all their hopes and futures on his shoulders.
It had inspired her to give more than duty required. To see the needs around her and try to help, even when they didn’t even know she was helping. For the first time in her life, she’d truly mattered, because of him.
Perhaps she had been looking at it all wrong. There might be a difference between a servant and a king here on earth, but in God’s eyes no calling was any better or worse than another. And maybe, just maybe, a scullery maid could be called to be queen someday.
Tipping her face toward him, she finally smiled without having to force it. “You give me a voice.”
Keevan savored the feel of her in his arms, so much more right and sure than anything he’d experienced as a boy. He rubbed his thumb over her chin, stilling when her fingers traced the length of his scar.
Should he kiss her? The look in her deep brown eyes seemed to be asking him to, but he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t dare make a mistake, not with Addie.
He leaned closer until only a whisper’s breath separated them. “May I?”
Instead of answering, she wrapped her arms around his neck, stood on her tiptoes to close the last fraction of space, and kissed him.
He could’ve given in. He could’ve lost himself with the moment.
But, he didn’t. The wiser part of him—the part that had spent much of that afternoon in prayer—held him back.
He pulled away from her and discovered there was something highly satisfying in holding onto his self-control instead of giving in to his raging pulse. Her happiness and honor mattered far more to him that any of his own desires.
A voice broke through the haze. “Now that this all is officially settled, I think it’s time we went to Mama and Papa’s for supper.”
Keevan jerked away from Addie, placing a foot of space between them before he turned.
Frank leaned against a tree, his arms crossed yet again. Behind him, Patrick perched on a boulder, flicking pebbles into the lake.
Patrick snapped another pebble, sending it skipping a full four hops before it sank. “Aren’t Mama and Papa going to be surprised? Their little Addie courting our prince and someday going to be his queen.”
“Frank, Patrick! What are you doing here?” Addie clenched her fists, glaring at her brothers. Red suffused her face from the base of her neck all the way to her hairline.
“That doesn’t mean you had to spy on us!” Addie dipped both hands in the lake and threw the double handful of water at Frank. Most of the water splattered on the ground, but some soaked into the front of his shirt. “And here I was all polite and nice while you were courting Suzanne. The good little sister helping with the wedding and welcoming my new sister-in-law. I should’ve put burrs in your fancy trousers and watched you squirm through the ceremony.”
“Remind me never to get married.” Patrick tossed another pebble at the lake.
“Me either.”
Keevan spun on his heel, slower this time. Brennen and Samuel stood behind him. Addie’s brothers had them surrounded. He sighed and pointed at Samuel. “You aren’t even a part of my guard detail.”
“Not yet.” Samuel grinned, crossed his arms, and looked for all the world like he was trying to match Frank’s stance. “I got done with training early today.”
Of course he would. Nothing left to do but surrender at this point. Keevan held out his arm to Addie. “I have been craving your mama’s venison stew lately. Shall we?”
Addie gripped his arm, glared at her brothers, and dragged Keevan along with her when she marched off.
Her parents weren’t surprised to see Keevan. He had dined with them frequently over the years. They weren’t even surprised to see Addie glaring at her brothers. What did surprise them was Addie’s hand tucked so tightly in Keevan’s.
But, Addie’s mother gave Keevan a warm hug, and after supper, her father asked him to go out to the woodworking shed with him.
Keevan had expected it and followed silently. As he stepped into the shed, he gulped a deep breath, the air heavy with sawdust and glue. Without being told, he picked up a piece of sandpaper and scrubbed it over the tabletop where he’d left off the night before.
Addie’s father, Garrett Croft, retrieved his own sandpaper and set to work on the other side. For several minutes, neither of them spoke. Keevan relaxed into the rhythm, running his fingers over the silk-smooth surface to search for the tiniest sliver or rough patch.