PANDORA

by Rebecca Hamilton

  The doors swung open and twelve girls entered, followed by what looked like the whole senior class, and half the residents in Reed City, heading right for the casket.

  "Oh, I just wanna die!" Sara yelled.

  Chapter Fourteen

  "I heard she was high on pot," Ursula said from behind Toni.

  "Always high on something," Carolyn commented.

  Toni's chest rose with a slow intake of breath.

  "Uh-huh, and the girl sure liked the tongue action," someone else enlightened to a chorus of giggles.

  "Yeah, Sara didn't fool anybody when she posted that list of guys she did," Jessica said. "She suuure wanted us to think she liked Dick better than Jane."

  Toni wiggled in her seat. She could hear the laughter in Jessica's voice.

  "Take your iPod back, Ursula," Crystal said. "Jessica has the best cadaver pic. Everybody agree?"

  "Hitting se-end," Jessica sang, to whispers of affirmation.

  Toni turned around in her pew with an appalled look on her face and scanned Jessica and her friends with a set of angry eyes.

  Jessica's lips turned up. She batted her lashes and mouthed, "You wanna see?" then turned the iPhone in Toni's Direction.

  Toni ground her teeth. "Why would you say things like that to me, right now? Right here. How inconsiderate and rude—you're all so-"

  "What? Like your sister?" Jessica sarcastically hissed.

  I can't breathe! Toni took in the smug smiles on the girls' faces, stood, and turned to find her mother and grandmother in an embrace near the casket. Not like this... I'm not going up there like this. With tears streaming down her face, she ran out of the viewing room. As the doors closed behind her, Toni frantically looked around and searched for a place to hide.

  Paul burst through the doors and his arms were around her before she could move. "You wanna sit down?" He kissed her on the top of her head. "We can walk to the foyer and sit in the lounge for a few minutes. Come on."

  Toni wiggled out of Paul's embrace, rubbed her hands across her damp cheeks while looking frantically up and down the hallway. "Jessica said... her friends . . . they said Sara posted . . . oh, where's the damn restroom?"

  Paul took her firmly by the shoulders, and turned her to face him. He thumbed a tear from her cheek, grabbed a box of tissues off a small table by the doors, and handed her one. "You want to go outside for a minute?" he whispered against her cheek, rubbing her back.

  Heat followed his fingers. Toni gasped, and pulled away from his touch. "I need to go to the restroom." I want to be alone. I need to think. "I'm sorry; I just can't talk about it right now." She bolted down the hall. As she pulled open the bathroom door, Toni watched Paul turn back to the viewing room, an angry scowl on his face.

  In the bathroom, she held the edge of the sink, staring at the running water. Who was my sister? She took a deep breath and lifted her eyes to the reflection in the mirror. She palmed tears from her cheeks and yanked a paper towel from a dispenser next to the sink, wiped her hands and face and tossed it into the trash.

  Her head jerked toward the door when someone tried to open it.

  "I'll be out in a minute!" Toni shouted, running a hand through her hair and a finger under her eye liner.

  "Can I come in?" a girl asked.

  Great, which one of Sara's bitchy friends has to rub more shit in my face? "I don't want to talk to anyone. Just leave me alone."

  "I'm Paddy; Paul's sister. He's worried about you."

  "Tell him . . . tell him . . . Shit!" Toni paced in front of the sink for a few seconds glaring at the door, and finally walked over, unlocked it, and stepped back.

  Paddy walked in, turned, and placed both hands over her head against the closed door, hip cocked, her back to Toni.

  "I'm fine," Toni said, watching the muscles on Paddy's arms flex as she laid her forehead against the door.

  "No you're not, dammit. Jessica and her useless friends saw to that, didn't they?" Paddy flipped around and leaned back against the door, staring at her.

  Toni's eyes fell to her small breasts, nipples hard against the black spandex dress she had on. She blushed and turned back to the mirror. "You're right, I'm not fine." My heart's racing.

  "I knew they were up to something when they sat right behind you. What happened?"

  Toni lifted her eyes, met Paddy's in the mirror, and watched the light playing in her jet black hair as Paddy moved toward her. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't even know you. How do you know them?" She's so tiny; she looks like an animated china doll. Christ, and I care why? We're burying my sister today!

  "I hung out with... Look, you ran out and Paul totally freaked. What did they say to you?" Paddy's hair was cut strikingly short, with a long thick piece covering one side of her face to her chin. She tucked it back behind her ear, releasing a set of concerned, gold-speckled green eyes.

  Toni turned away from Paddy's hypnotic stare, tears threatening to pour from her eyes. "They didn't say anything to me. They were talking about Sara, and thank God my mother and grandmother were up with..." They were with Sara. I should have been too.

  Paddy slapped the sink next to Toni. "They just can't let it go, not even now."

  Toni abruptly turned toward her, mimicking Paddy by shoving her long red curls out of her face. "So you knew my sister? You knew she was smoking pot—marking her conquests off on a public list—advertising how many guys she did? You knew she was trying to prove something? What?"

  Paddy sucked in a breath, walked to a bathroom stall, and slapped the door open so hard it banged shut again. She turned back with an angry scowl. "I knew your sister. I knew what she was doing, and I couldn't stop her. I tried." Paddy threw her palms in the air and stormed by Toni, sending a musky scent around the room.

  "They blatantly blurted it out like they were talking over lunch—Sara laid out in a coffin right in front of them," Toni cried. "And they had a contest to see who could take the best picture of my sister in her casket! Jessica won; she showed me the picture! How cruel."

  "I know what they're capable of," Paddy said. "I'm sorry."

  "Why?" Toni asked, and tried to take her eyes off the girl's body as she paced in front of her. Why is my hair so red, my hips so big? What the hell? My sister's in a coffin in a room down the hall! Am I any better than them?

  Paddy answered and broke her misplaced attention. "Because I should have put a stop to this a long time ago and now it's too late."

  Toni shook her head. "No. Why? Why did Sara do it?"

  Paddy took in a deep breath, puffed it out, turned, and faced Toni. "Because she didn't want to accept who she was."

  "What do you mean?" Toni asked.

  "Dammit," Paddy blurted, "it all started with the stupid club."

  "What club?"

  "The friggin' Edible Sploshers. It started out as a joke, just some sexual playin' around, until I brought Reggie along, and your sister, well, she really got into it. Tooo into it."

  "What do you mean, 'sexual playing around'? And who is this guy Reggie?" Toni asked, suddenly short of breath.

  "Reggie is short for Regina." Paddy turned away, giving Toni a view of a tiny waist and curvy hips. Her foot, encased in black pumps, turned to the side, her small ankle almost touching the floor. "Sploshing was Jessica's idea to lure the nonparticipating guys on the football team into screwin' around with her and her friends. It's rubbing, throwing, or pouring different edible substances on naked skin, and then... well... you know... doing a taste test. Anyway, it got out of hand. And your sister got all over Reggie. Reggie, as in 'girly-girl'—as in I'd rather do a 'Jane' than a 'Dick' kinda girl." Paddy made quote marks with her fingers. "The Bitch-Brigade coaxed her on—ran with it—then bullied her with it at school. Sara was damned and determined to prove them wrong."

  Ohmigod! Sara did Jane! Ohmigod! "Oh." Toni blushed three shades of red. "Poor Sara. Oh, I wish she would have come to me. I could have-"

  "You could've what? Changed who she was?" Paddy shot h
er a set of beautiful sad eyes. "Your sister cared about Reggie and wouldn't admit it. And it wasn't the last time Sara was with Reggie either, dammit. Reggie loved her. Your sister strung her along but when Sara started doing it with... Look, Reggie didn't want to share."

  "I didn't mean . . . I wasn't trying to . . . I'm sorry. I could have told Sara it was okay to . . . um . . . feel..." Every hair on Toni's arms tingled, and her stomach did a little flip as she mentally visualized Sara and another girl in an intimate situation. Ohmigod! My sister was a lesbian!

  "I don't think it would've helped. In fact, it might've made it worse if she thought you knew." Paddy placed her hand on Toni's shoulder. "I cared about Sara, too. She was just confused and it ultimately led to her..."

  Toni stared at the hand on her shoulder and felt heat under Paddy's touch. Okaaay, so . . . we . . . are . . . NOT going there. I'm just confused by all of this. She moved away from Paddy. "Are you gay?"

  "Yes. And I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable," Paddy said, looking at the hand that was just on her shoulder.

  Toni looked away. "I wouldn't pick my friends by their sexual preferences; and Sara shouldn't have done what she did."

  A knock on the door had both of them staring in that direction.

  "Toni, are you alright?" her mother asked.

  "Fine, Mom," Toni answered. "I'll be out in a minute."

  "Are you alone in there?" Antoinette asked.

  The girls exchanged a smile.

  "No, Paul's sister is with me. I'll be right out."

  "Everyone's just about gone," her mother said.

  "And Paul's waiting for you, sweetie," Antoinette interrupted.

  "Shit!" Toni whispered. "I really can't do this tonight. I just want to be alone."

  "How about I tell him you're whipped and you'll call him tomorrow," Paddy said with a grin. "But damn, girl, I can see what my brother sees in you. He's gonna be one disappointed pup." She shook her head. "You don't remember me do you?"

  Toni felt heat in her cheeks. "No."

  "I smiled at you in Wright's the night you met my brother." Paddy laughed. "I was checking up on him. He can be such a dweeb, but it looked like you two were hitting it off."

  Toni's jaw dropped. Ohmigod, that's why she looked so familiar in the lobby earlier!

  Paddy walked toward the door, turned back, and smiled. "Hey, I work out at the gym with Reggie in Reed City on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights around four. Why don't you join us? It's a good stress reliever."

  "Maybe I will. Thanks, Paddy." Toni stared right into Paddy's eyes. A good workout never hurt anybody—I could use a diversion—and I think I just made a friend.

  "I'll be looking for you." Paddy gripped the door knob. "You ready?"

  "I'm ready," Toni said, and followed her out the door.

  ***

  "The church service was lovely, and Sara's finally laid to rest," Belle said the next day, a wad of damp tissue clutched in her fist as she entered the front door.

  "It's been a long two days," Antoinette remarked, following her in.

  Toni kicked off her shoes in the foyer and headed for her bedroom. "I'm going upstairs, Mom. I just want to be alone for a while." I'm so glad the gravesite service was only for immediate family. One more snarky remark from Sara's friends would have put me over the edge.

  "Honey, don't you want something to eat?" Belle called after her.

  "Maybe later. I'm not hungry, want to lie down for a bit," Toni shouted over her shoulder, and closed the bedroom door.

  Belle shot Antoinette a worried look and headed for the stairs.

  "Leave her alone, Belle. She's been upset since the wake yesterday and it's not just because of Sara's death. I'll go up in a while and have a talk with her," Antoinette said as Sara, Ruth, and Martin passed through the French doors into the living room.

  Rufus leapt out from under the coffee table in three stiff bounces, hitched his back up, and hissed at Sara.

  "What's his problem?" Belle asked, pointing at the cat. "You didn't summon Bartholomew, did-"

  "Not yet," Antoinette cut her short.

  Sara dive-bombed Rufus. "Stop hissing at me! Like I don't have enough shit going down!" She glared at Martin and Ruth. "They took picture of me in the casket! And you saw them, and the Reggie video, on Jessica's iPhone! They were passing it around during the church service, for crying out loud! Texting it to everyone in town!"

  Rufus leapt up on the television and hissed again.

  "I don't know why being a colorful, albeit dead, porn star wouldn't put a smile on your face," Martin quipped.

  Sara shot him a look that would've killed him a second time if he was still undead.

  "Bless'erindiscreetprowess, she did look like she was enjoyin 'erself with that lovely Negro woman, she did."

  "Work that strawberry outta that girl's mouth, honey." Martin laughed.

  "Shut the hell up, all of you!" Sara evaporated and reformed beside her mother.

  Antoinette frowned at Sara. "Belle, I didn't mention it before because I didn't want to upset you; Sara paid me a visit at the condo Friday night, and she's been following me ever since."

  "She's here?" Belle played closer attention to Rufus as the cat hissed in her direction.

  "Yes, and she's brought friends."

  "Oh, she's made friends!" Belle squeaked, working the tissue. "You didn't tell Toni did you?" Belle looked concerned.

  "Of course not."

  "Always comes back to Toni!" Sara passed through Belle, buzzed several circles around her, and huffed, "Don't ask how I'm doing. Just worry about the other kid. I mean, I'm dead, right?"

  "What does she want? Why hasn't she passed over?"

  "There, there, dear, bless'ershallow'eart, yer mum seems quite concerned, she does."

  "She wants to assist us with Toni." Antoinette smiled at Sara.

  "Like hell I do! Tell her you threatened me with the damn cat!"

  Rufus growled, pulled his ears back, and twitched his tail several times.

  "Why that's just wonderful. I assume you filled her in?" Belle smiled.

  "I did," Antoinette answered, "and she and her friends are eager to be of help."

  "Eager, my dead and six-feet-under butt-cheeks!" Sara's words pushed a puff of ectoplasmic goo out her mouth. She buzzed from Antoinette and then back to Belle. "I'll tell you what I'm eager about! Mom—getting my damn face off Jessica's iphone before the whole senior class sees it! Ohmigod! What if it goes viral?"

  Antoinette grinned at Sara.

  "Oh, puh-leease," Martin rebuked. "'Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one'".

  "I am not—I repeat, NOT—a lesbian!" Sara shook her finger at Martin.

  Martin emitted a puff of smoke and cackled, "Uh-huh, you just keep saying that honey, maybe it will go away."

  "Well look at you, spouting from your place at the end of that friggin' rainbow," Sara said.

  Martin laced the fingers on his hands, chest level, and pointed his index fingers at Sara. "Proudly."

  "Blessyerquestionablegenderissuin'earts, I think that's enough, it is. We should be concentratin' on the issue at hand, we should."

  "How ya doin', Sara?" Martin asked.

  Antoinette laughed. Belle gave her an inquisitive look.

  "This is the issue, Ruth! Jessica is sending pictures and a slanderous video of me to all my friends! I want her to regret the day she became such a bitch!"

  "I'm hungry, Belle. What say we have a bite, and then I'm headed upstairs to summon Bartholomew," Antoinette said, pointedly staring at the three ghosts, hovering near the French doors.

  An air of anxiety, thick enough to be visual, wafted around Ruth, Martin, and Sara.

  Upstairs, Toni lay on her stomach in bed, her ankles crossed, as she wrote:

  Sunday, 7/14/12

  We buried my sister today, ten days before our eighteenth birthday. And yesterday I found out who she really was. I thought I knew her. But I didn't know
her at all. I thought I wanted to be just like her; I wanted to fit in, be a part of everything, have friends, a boyfriend, and she was trying to do the same thing. We're not so different, are we, diary? I don't know who I am either. We could have shared this.

  If I had been more attentive to her feelings, instead of condemning her for her lewd actions, I might have been able to save her; I might have been able to really help her understand what she was doing. How scared she must have been, being attracted to Reggie, trying to change how she felt, putting herself in situations where she didn't belong. She's gone and it's my fault. How can I think about celebrating our birth without her? I miss her so much. I feel so alone.

  Toni paused and stared at the words on the page, reading them over and over, trying to comprehend just where she was going with these revelations. She sighed and began to write what she really was thinking about:

  I met someone yesterday, someone I think will be a good friend, but as always, when I'm around girls, I feel out of place, self-conscious. I feel strange . . . like I want something . . . something I'm not supposed to want. Am I like Sara?

  She paused again making circles on the page. I don't even know how to put my feelings down on paper. Maybe it's because I don't know what I feel, just like Sara. Well maybe it's time to find out. Maybe it's time to stop hiding.

  She started to make a list of her own feelings in the diary:

  I feel . . . I feel . . . What do I feel around Paul?

  I like his attention, but something's missing.

  Is this simply because I'm a geek and have had no experience with boys?

  She scratched over the last line and replaced it with:

  Is it because I'm gay?

  She raked the pen across that question and wrote:

  Is it because Paddy made me feel all weird inside too?

  She pressed harder on the paper.

  I'm so confused.

  I like being alone.

  I like to read.

  I don't like being a virgin.

  She scratched through the last line—What does that have to do with anything?—and continued writing: