PANDORA

by Rebecca Hamilton

  “Can we talk?” God, his eyes had pure puppy begging power.

  “What do you want me to say?” I asked, sitting up cross-legged.

  “I just want to know that this is going to...I don’t know, get fixed.”

  “It can’t be fixed.” I pulled up a mental picture of Tonya the day after the assault, and it helped the bitterness I needed to feel flare to life. “It’s not broken. It’s just done. We’re done.”

  “Oh, come on. I’m sorry. It’s not like I knew Trevor was gonna do something like that.”

  “But I knew!” I jabbed myself in the chest. “And when I told you, you talked me out of it. You convinced me to give him a chance. God, you blackmailed me into it.”

  “I never forced you, or blackmailed you into anything, Phoebe.” He pushed away from the doorframe and stepped into my room.

  “No, you just threatened to stop dating me if I didn’t give him a chance.”

  “That’s not what I said. I was just sick of constantly listening to you talk about the guy. I asked you to think about me when we were together, instead of Trevor. I felt like you didn’t even know I was there half the time,” Nathan argued. “I never said you had to like him, or that you had to stop warning Tonya about him. But I was dating you, and guys don’t like their girlfriends obsessing over other guys.”

  “You made me doubt myself, Nathan! I waited years for my gift, and when it finally happened you made me think I didn’t understand it, that I couldn’t trust it or myself.”

  “Phoebs, I didn’t mean to make you doubt your gift. I was frustrated with constantly listening to you go on about it.”

  “Yeah, because it made me such a horrible person to worry about my friend being hurt.”

  “I didn’t say that,” he sighed. “It’s just that you had no real proof that anything was actually happening.”

  “Maybe I didn’t have proof, but I knew it.”

  “Because of your gift?”

  “Yes!” I yelled. “But that wasn’t enough for you! Because you don’t believe I have a gift.”

  “Whoa! That’s what this is about? You think I don’t believe you have this gift? Because I do believe you. I never thought you were making things up.”

  Stay mad. Even if he wasn’t wrong, he wasn’t right either. “What does it matter now anyways? You and Vivian picked up right where you left off.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’m not dating Vivian again, especially considering I’m still with you. She asked about borrowing my notes from last Friday. That’s all.”

  “Sure. And I just imagined that she’s been stalking you for weeks. I just imagined the gloating smile she gave me in the hall today when you were walking with her.”

  “I don’t really care what Vivian did.”

  “Well, neither do I, because we’re not dating anymore. She’s welcome to you.” I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him.

  He looked hurt. As hurt as I was at the idea of him being with someone else, especially with Vivian, but I couldn’t forget how he’d manipulated me.

  “You don’t mean that, Phoebe, and you’ll regret saying it.” He took a small step back.

  “I don’t think so.” I already did, but pride kept me from admitting that. Instead, I flung myself back on the bed and jabbed my headphones back on. No music flowed out, but he didn’t know that and I didn’t want to look for the iPod in the tangled sheets.

  “Call me when you’re ready to talk.” He spun around and left. I heard his stomping feet on the stairs and then moving across the living room. The door slammed. He was gone.

  I vibrated with anger and the urge to cry hysterically. I wanted to call him right then and apologize, beg him to come back, but I wouldn’t. He’d been the one in the wrong. Not me. He was the one that needed to keep apologizing until I was ready to forgive him.

  “You okay?” Chloe asked as she came into my room.

  “No, obviously.” I yanked out the ear buds and levered myself up on my elbows. “Nathan is mad at me! As if this is all my fault. I know that Vivian is trying to get back with him. God, she’s such a skank. And he’ll probably just go along with it. How can he be so stupid?”

  “Can I tell you something?” she asked.

  “Chloe, I’d really appreciate it if you kept my future to yourself. I’m so not in the mood for your gloating.”

  She arched her eyebrows in a way that told me I was about to hear what she had to say regardless of whether I wanted to or not.

  “Nathan made a choice, just like you did." She pointed a finger at me. "Maybe he wasn’t one hundred percent right, but neither were you. Something is coming. Something real bad, Phoebs, and you’re going to realize just how much of a bitch you’re being to Nathan. He’s not perfect, but he’s a hell of a lot better than Trevor, or even Dylan.”

  “I’m not being a bitch. You’re acting as if I shouldn’t be mad. How would you like your boyfriend convincing you that you’re wrong to believe in yourself? Oh, that’s right you don’t have a boyfriend.”

  It was a petty thing to bring up, but I felt like being petty. With Lily, I had to watch my words, but Chloe could take it. I never had to worry about hurting her feelings. Then again, I don’t think she had any.

  “Oh, get over yourself.” She rolled her eyes. “I didn’t say you shouldn’t be angry. Hell, I can’t believe you even let Nathan talk you into doubting yourself. But that’s the thing, Phoebs. In the end it was your choice.” She spun on her heel and left the room. Just before she vanished down the hall, she turned back. “Nanna’s coming over this weekend. The two of you will have an interesting conversation.”

  I threw my pillow at her, but she was gone before it even left my hand. Not that it would have hit her, or even come close. Instead, it slammed into my laptop and caused a glass jar full of pencils, pens, popsicle sticks and some random crap to spill onto the floor.

  Great. Nanna. Just what I didn’t need - something else to worry about for the next four and a half days.

  Four days to prep for Nanna was not enough time. A year wouldn’t be long enough. That Saturday I’d made plans with Tonya for an afternoon of shopping and then a sleepover at her place, but Nanna, damn her, changed her plans without telling anyone and showed up while I was still asleep.

  I’d pulled myself out of bed just after ten and there she was in the kitchen, making breakfast. I should have realized by the glorious smell of sausage and eggs, but I wandered in, completely oblivious to the hell that awaited me.

  “I see you finally managed to pull yourself out of bed,” she said over her shoulder.

  Knowing I’d be shit of out luck with breakfast if I pissed her off, I bit my tongue hard to keep back a snarky response. My chair scraped along the floor as I sat at the table and tried to muster a welcoming smile.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked as she placed two plates of food on the table and then sat down opposite me. I picked up my fork and dug in while she sat silently, staring at me.

  “Your father took Chloe to a doctor’s appointment and Lily is out avoiding you.” She started eating, keeping her eyes on me.

  “Avoiding me?” A fork full of food hovered in the air before my mouth as I finally met Nanna’s gaze.

  “Yes, avoiding you. How anyone can stand to be around you right now is beyond me, but poor Lily has to feel all of your self-pity and misery.”

  “Well, I didn’t ask her to.” Okay, so that was a lame come back considering Lily couldn’t really help it. “And it’s not self-pity. I have a right to be angry at Nathan.”

  “And at me?” She laid her knife and fork down and leaned forward.

  “Yes.” I’d wanted to avoid this, but Nanna was a pusher and she always knew just which of my buttons to press. “The only reason Tonya kept dating Trevor was because I stopped bugging her about him. And the only reason I stopped bugging her was because you and Nathan convinced me I shouldn’t trust my gift. So, yeah, I am mad at you.”

  “It amazes me sometim
es how much you’re like your mother.” She resumed eating as if she’d made an innocent observation, instead of something that was bound to get my back up.

  “Really? You’re going to go there again?” Thank God, Dad wasn’t there, otherwise I’d be so dead for talking to Nanna like that. I stood and pushed my chair back. It rocked on two legs a moment before tumbling to the ground.

  “You’re overly sensitive, like she was.” Nana speared another piece of sausage. “She was constantly jumping to the wrong conclusion and being completely impulsive.”

  “So you think because I act on my gift I’m wrong? You’re the one that kept pressing me about it. That I should be careful trusting it. That I didn’t understand it or how to use it. So, I trusted you. And you told me to give Trevor a chance.” I bristled. “I would hope my mom was smart enough to realize you’re the one that was wrong. Then again, she was too stupid to tell anyone she was going to die, right? Maybe that’s why you didn’t want me to believe in my ability and to trust you instead, because then you’d have to face the fact that your own daughter didn’t trust you.”

  The words weren’t even out of my mouth before I wanted to swallow them whole.

  “Well, you told me, didn’t you?” Nanna was whiter than I’d ever seen her before.

  The words were hateful and I hadn’t really meant them. But that was the problem with verbal diarrhea. Once you spew it, it’s impossible to take back. And it was impossible to erase the sickening look on Nanna’s face which matched the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  Chapter 13

  ‘Things get easier’ had officially become my most hated saying. Who the hell says that anyways? Because after two weeks of not talking to Nathan, nothing about it was easier. In fact, it was getting harder not to speak to him, to not want to run my hands along his arms or through his hair. And it was even harder watching him be all buddy-buddy with Vivian.

  I tried to remember how I’d ever handled them dating, and it only made me realize how much I missed being with him. There was no way I could go back to the casual flirting I’d forced myself to do before; we’d gone past that.

  Nathan had said he would be waiting when I was ready to talk and I really wanted to. Time had shown me how much of an idiot I was. I’d tried to stay angry at him, but if Tonya didn’t think he was to blame, then how could I? And I knew she was right. Nathan wasn’t to blame. Being with him had been amazing, but there was still a part of me that didn’t want him back. Did I really want to be with someone who had the power to make me question myself so absolutely that I would leave my friend in a position to be hurt?

  A hand waved in front of my face and I jerked back, turning to look at the owner. Tonya was giving me a ‘WTF?’ look.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Exactly what I was going to ask. Last period is over, and you’ve been staring at your locker for a full five minutes, completely ignoring everything I said.”

  “That’s not true. I was listening.”

  “Oh, really?” She wore a skeptical look.

  “Sure. There was the thing about a purple hooker shirt and something about moving to Nebraska.” I flushed as she death-stared me. No way would I let her walk around in a purple hooker shirt. “Okay, so I wasn’t really listening.”

  “Girl, you are in a major funk.” She twisted her arm through mine and dragged me down the hall, away from where I could stare at Nathan’s locker.

  “I’m not in a funk.” I absently rubbed my abdomen as a twinge of monthly cramps hit.

  “Oh, please. You’re moping practically every minute of the day. I’m so glad I don’t live with you, girl. I would totally consider shooting you if I had to deal with you all day and night.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “You know I love you, but seriously girl, you need to get back with Nathan and get yourself some action, because I’m living through you vivaciously.”

  “Vicariously. And why? I thought you were going to go for the new Mickey Mouse guy.”

  She shrugged a shoulder, and made some noise under her breath. “He’s too brainy for me. Besides Gran said no dating until she talks to my therapist.”

  “Well, I don’t think Nathan and I are going to happen.”

  “What are you talking about, girl? You know you’re still hot for him, and unless he’s chopped his hair off since first period, he’s still cute.”

  “Yeah, right, cute, like being attached to Vivian’s hip every time I see him.” Even as I said it, I caught sight of the two of them heading out the side exit to the parking lot.

  “I told you. You should have taken that bitch out when you had the chance. You would have been defending your territory, but now,” she snorted, “you’d just look jealous and pathetic.”

  “Wow, you really know how to make me feel good about myself, don’t you?”

  “That’s what friends are for.” She laughed and tugged at my arm, dragging me toward the library.

  I helped her find a few websites for a research paper she was doing for her economics class, and then logged onto my Twitter account. It had been nearly a month since I’d been on, and I scrolled down the page trying to make sense of the tweets that popped up. I didn’t follow many people, mainly because I didn’t know how to find them, but Nathan, Bianca, Chloe, and Karin were there. I tried not to read Nathan’s because I was not a sucker for punishment. I reached the bottom of the screen, the list of tweets automatically expanded, and Trevor’s screen name flashed across the screen.

  My eyes flickered over to Tonya, but she was engrossed in whatever was on the page she was reading. I looked at Trevor’s tweet.

  hookin up wit ma gurl 2nite

  I wanted to vomit. The prick had managed to find another girl to suck into his sick world. I wanted to scourer his profile for a clue as to who she was and try to warn her, or even tweet something about what he’d done. But every tweet I’d ever posted had actually been done by either Tonya or Bianca, and I knew if I did tweet anything Tonya would find out. I closed out of the internet struggling to control my disgust for Trevor as I waited for Tonya to finish.

  “Are you coming over tonight?” I asked as we headed through the parking lot toward my car fifteen minutes later.

  “Can’t,” she said. We tossed our backpacks in the back seat and climbed into the front.

  My stomach clenched and I let out a hiss of air. God, I hated cramps. I waited a moment for the pain to pass, and then started the car.

  “I can’t believe Gran is being so strict all of a sudden,” I said. “She seemed okay at first, but she won’t even let you out except for school. What about the movies tomorrow?”

  “Probably not. What are you guys going to see?” she asked.

  “Some Greek god movie. Owen and Bianca have been raving about it, so now Karin wants to see it, too.”

  Tonya launched into her typical anti-Karin monologue and I pretended to listen. What I was really doing was thinking about Nathan. It was his type of movie. I could call, and invite him to come with. As a friend. Or I could ask Owen to call. He’d do that. He still owed me for covering for him in seventh grade when he lied to Mr. Stevens about his homework being stolen.

  “You’re off in Nathan-dream-zone again.” Tonya’s loud comment pulled me back to reality.

  “What? No, I’m listening. Karin’s so stuck up, blah, blah, blah.” Thankfully, we’d pulled up to Tonya’s house. “Are you a prisoner all weekend?”

  “Don’t know yet,” she said, sliding out of the car. She grabbed her bag from the back and then slammed the door closed. “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

  “Call!” I yelled after her. She turned around and kept walking backwards to the door.

  “Call Nathan!”

  I rolled the window up and drove off. By the time I got home, I’d decided. I would call Nathan.

  Maybe.

  Maybe was where I stalled. Three hours later, I was wrestling my cell from Bianca who thought it would be hilarious to call him for me. I
wished I’d never told her about possibly getting Owen to call him.

  “I will never drive you anywhere ever again!” I yelled, twisting around her curled up body, and attempting to snatch the phone from her.

  “Okay, okay! But I am calling Tonya. Maybe she’ll talk some sense into you.”

  We stopped fighting and I watched carefully as she pulled up Tonya with one push of a button.

  “How did you get her number to come up so fast?” I always had to scroll through the list.

  “She programmed your numbers in for you.” She said it like it should mean something and I stared in confusion. “She put herself as number one. She got hold of my phone once and redid everything. Somehow, my home phone number disappeared and I ended up stranded at the mall when I couldn’t remember it. Thankfully she left Karin on as number eight.”

  We waited as the phone rang, but Tonya didn’t pick up. Instead, it clicked to her voice mail and Bianca left a quick message then hung up.

  “There, you called,” I said and grabbed the phone. “Now, if you don’t mind, I want to go watch TV.”

  We went into the den and found Lily and Dylan already huddled on the sofa. Lily looked like she was about to fall asleep and Dylan was flipping channels, his feet propped on the coffee table. I tossed my phone so it hit his feet, hoping he’d take a hint. He didn’t.

  “Can you switch it to the on demand screen?” I asked, glancing at him as I filled a glass of soda from the side counter.

  “Uh, I’m watching this,” he said, continuing to channel-surf.

  “Hey, Lils, we were gonna order a movie, do you want to watch?” I stepped near her, and watched as her hands twitched. I really was a horrible person. She’d been fighting the past few weeks to respect my wishes about not ‘healing’ me, and I felt bad about causing her discomfort on purpose, but Dylan was a douche-bag and there was no way I was going to get in a power struggle with him in my own home.

  “No, you go ahead. We’ll go upstairs.” She struggled to get up and guilt consumed me. I was truly despicable. She wobbled, and I went to grab her, but stopped short when I realized what would happen then. Luckily, Dylan caught her.