PANDORA

by Rebecca Hamilton

  “Thank you, sugar.” She took the bag, and it promptly fell to the floor. She looked old. Much older than the mid-fifties I knew she was. She stared at me intensely and I barely suppressed the urge to squirm in my seat.

  “Did you know she was going to see that boy?” she asked bluntly.

  “No!” I sat up straight and looked her right in the eye, something Dad had always told me to do when I told the truth. Shifty eyes made people doubt you. “I swear, Mrs. Robinson, the last time I heard Tonya mention him was the day after the movie incident. She told me she never wanted to see him again.”

  “So when she told me she was going out with you and Bianca Friday night...?”

  “She told me you wouldn’t let her go.”

  “Lordy, these two girls of mine will be the death of me,” she whispered under her breath, then looked back at me. “I guess I knew, as soon as that Nathan boy called last night, asking if she was there.”

  “I’m really sorry. If I’d known...”

  “I know that, sugar. My girl’s got a mind of her own, and when I started laying down the law about this boy, I should have known she’d do something crazy.” She shook her head. “I suppose you want to see her?”

  I sat up. “Can I? I wasn’t sure, since...”

  “Oh, she can have visitors. I’m just taking a break.” She handed the backpack to me and I took off for Tonya’s room.

  Seeing her was almost as shocking as it had been the night before. While the blood was gone, swelling and deep bruising had settled in, making it nearly impossible to recognize her. She didn’t hear me come in, completely engrossed in something on her tray table.

  “Hey,” I said, then repeated myself louder when she didn’t respond.

  Her head jerked around, and her lips tilted up on one side. “Hey, I didn’t hear you come in. Were you standing there long?” she asked.

  “No.”

  She shrugged, “I haven’t been hearing too good out of my left ear.”

  “Oh. Is it...?” I did some lame gesture toward my own ear, not wanting to say permanent.

  “They think it’s just the swelling right now. Hopefully it’ll get better, but the doctor said it might not.”

  “That sucks,” I pursed my lips and wandered over to the dresser to inspect a vase of flowers. It was harder than I thought it would be to look at her. Not because I was grossed out, but because I hated to think of her feeling any of the pain associated with those marks.

  “What sucks is I’m gonna miss school,” she said, and I nearly fell over in shock.

  “Did you really just say it sucks to miss school? As in our high school?” I stared at her as if she’d grown horns.

  “Phoebs, I’m gonna be stuck in a freaking hospital and then at home, watching soaps with Gran for days. Not that I don’t mind catching up on all of them, but seriously they’re not the Real Housewives. It’s only been a day and I’m going insane watching that junk already.” She raised a hand when my mouth opened to say something. “I know. I must be crazy anyways for doing what I did.”

  “I was so not going to say that!” I said.

  “Really?”

  “Yes. No! I mean...” I stammered to a stop. I didn’t want to lie and say it hadn’t been crazy, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings either. Four months ago, I’d have told her she was bat shit crazy for going to see Trevor. Now she just seemed so much more fragile, as if my words could suddenly add the weight of the world to her already bruised shoulders.

  “Girl, chill.” When she smiled this time, both ends of her mouth tipped up. “Just make sure you keep me filled in on all the good stuff going on. Gran still has me grounded off the computer. And apparently she had some tech geek at the computer store block pretty much any page I’d want to go to.”

  “Well,” I said, dumping the contents of the bag on her lap, “Vivian is gonna go ape shit tomorrow.”

  “Please tell me it’s because you got over your stupid self and are back with Nathan.”

  “Ha ha. No, I didn’t get over myself, but yes, Nathan and I are back together. I think.” I sat in the chair beside her bed and slouched back. “I figured I’d let him suffer enough.”

  “Please,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I think everyone was suffering along with him thanks to your sparkling personality when you’re single.”

  “Gee, it’s nice to know there’s no permanent damage to your snide side.” I almost smacked myself for saying the words as soon as they left my mouth. How could I make a joke about what she’d gone through?

  “It’s okay, Phoebs. Seriously.” She shifted on the bed and placed her iPad on the tray that hovered over her legs. “I’d rather have you making fun of me than listen to Gran nag me about making better choices and loving myself enough to not let someone hurt me.”

  “Uh, kinda sounds like some good advice,” I said.

  “Tell me that after you’ve spent hours listening to her rant. God, I am so ready to go home. Maybe then she’ll back off a bit. She, like, freaked out every time she came in here today.”

  “Can you blame her?”

  “No, but I really don’t need you to start on me. Trust me, this,” she gestured to her face, “is not something I’m going to repeat.”

  I made some lame comment, and somehow the conversation was steered back to Vivian, which was even lamer, but at least it was safe. I didn’t have to think about how I hadn’t even realized that Tonya would do something so stupid and she didn’t have to think about how she had done something so stupid.

  When there was nothing left to say about Vivian and her little posse, a heavy silence settled around us, forcing me to think and speak the words I needed to.

  “Are you really okay?”

  Her hand, which had been messing around with the screen of her iPad, faltered and began to tremble. Tears filled her eyes and I watched her struggled to hold them in, until I couldn’t see for the ones gathering in mine.

  “No.”

  Her answer was heartbreakingly honest. I got up from the chair and leaned in to hug her. She latched on to me, clawing at the back of my shirt, trying to keep me from moving away. I kept in all the other questions I had for her and just held her, rubbing her back like Nanna had always done for me.

  “I thought I was going to die. Everything happened so quickly. We were arguing. Something stupid.” Her words came out in bursts, between sobs she didn’t try to hold back. “School... or something. I called you... from the bathroom. I thought I’d locked it.”

  “It’s okay. You’re okay.” I whispered the words, trying to soothe her.

  “But I’m not okay. Every time I close my eyes, I can see his foot coming at me. I can feel it smashing my face.”

  “Your face is gonna heal. It will be okay.”

  “But I’m not. Why was I such an idiot? What the fuck was I thinking, right?”

  I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say it didn’t matter, that she was safe and it was over, but I knew that wasn’t true. It wasn’t over, because according to Dad, they were going to press charges, and Tonya would have to be in court. And most importantly, it did matter why she’d done it. There’d been a time when I thought Tonya would never let herself be so disrespected by some guy. Now I knew she’d let it happen multiple times. What if she went back again? Would she survive next time?

  I pulled back so I could look in her eyes and know that she was really listening to me. They were dull and defeated - so close to lifeless. “I don’t know why this happened to you, but I know that you didn’t deserve it. You are awesome, Tonya. You’re funny and everyone likes you.”

  “Chloe doesn’t.”

  “Yeah, well, do you really want to judge yourself based on my cheerleading sister, who has been known to hang with Vivian?”

  “True.” She cracked a slight smile.

  “You’re my best friend for a reason, girl, and it’s not just because you can work my cell phone for me.”

  “I know, it’s 'cause I tweet for
you too, right?”

  “What? I have a twitter account?” I ignored the fact that I had checked it only days ago and seen Trevor’s tweet.

  “Yeah, for about a year. I try to update it every few weeks.”

  “Gee thanks,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “So what do I tweet about?”

  “Oh the usual, how hot Nathan looks, how Vivian is a skanky bitch, how Nathan is so sexy when he’s stripping for you.”

  “Yeah, but what did you tweet before we were dating?”

  “That was before. Now it’s the juicy stuff about your sex life.”

  “Are you serious?! No wonder Vivian tried to take me down.”

  “You know it! Maybe I’ll start tweeting about our Mickey.”

  “Micah,” I said.

  “What?”

  “That’s the guy’s name, Micah. He’s smoking hot, but has a stick up his ass or something. I haven’t seen him talk to anyone since you first pointed him out to me.”

  “Oh, well. I think I’m done with dating for a while anyways.” There was another awkward pause until she spoke again. “Gran talked to my therapist, and she wants me to go to some support group.”

  She lifted her iPad to show an info pamphlet and I picked it up, holding it as if it would burn me. Seeing the words domestic violence across the top made me realize just how crazy things had gotten. Tonya hadn’t been attacked by a complete stranger. She had loved Trevor. I might not understand why, but I knew she had and now there would always be a part of me that would constantly wonder if she would go back to him again.

  “Will you go with me?” she asked.

  I looked up, startled at the idea. “Is that allowed? I mean, isn’t it only for people who’ve been...”

  “I don’t know,” she said with a shrug. “I just don’t think I can go alone. Not yet. So will you?”

  “Yeah, of course. I mean, if I’m allowed.” I didn’t really want to, but at the moment, I would do anything to help Tonya stay away from Trevor, including going to a support group. Including using my lie detecting skills on her whether she liked it or not.

  We talked for a few more minutes and then Mrs. Robinson came in and said Tonya needed to rest again. I tried not to laugh when Tonya rolled her eyes in annoyance. But it was a relief to leave. As much as I wanted to be there for Tonya, hospitals had always kind of creeped me out. They were too white and clean, and way too organized. I loved the look of chaos. It made me feel like what was going on inside of me was actually under control.

  Dad was in the living room when I got home. I flopped down beside him on the couch, needing a few father-daughter moments. I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest.

  “Hey, you okay?” He smoothed a hand along my hair.

  “Yeah.” I squeezed him harder and he gave me a sideways look. “What? I can’t hug my dad?”

  “Of course, but it is a rare occurrence,” he said doubtfully. “You girls used to be attached to my hip, now none of you wants to spend any time with your old man.”

  “Aw, Dad you’re not old. Yet.” I eyed his graying hair, and laughed as he wrapped an arm around my head and rubbed his fist on the top of it. I use to hate it when he did that, mainly because he’d follow it up by calling me ‘boy’. Now it didn’t seem so annoying.

  “So, what’s up?” he asked.

  “I went to see Tonya. She’s gonna be okay.” The words were slightly muffled against his chest.

  “Ah. Well, I’m glad she’s doing better. She’s got a battle coming up if Mrs. Robinson gets her way.”

  My head lifted. “What do you mean?”

  “There are a lot of steps Tonya needs to take if she wants to keep him out of her life. Abusive relationships are difficult to get out of.”

  “Do you think she’d go back to him?” That was my greatest fear.

  “I don’t know. I would hope not, but she’s not only been physically abused, but mentally and emotionally as well. And she’s already gone back once.”

  I sighed and lowered my head again. “I don’t know what to do for her. She wants me to go to a support group with her. I said I would.”

  “That’s a start. Be there as her friend. It will be good for her to know that she has someone who loves her enough to do the hard things like that. It might just give her the strength to break free of him. I think it would be good for you, too.”

  “Me?”

  “So you can learn the signs of abuse and learn how to get out of an abusive relationship.”

  “Dad, Nathan would never do that to me.”

  “I’m not saying that, but in a few years you might be at a different place in your life...” He cleared his throat, maybe realizing I didn’t want to think of a time when Nathan and I weren’t dating again. “And you’d learn how to talk to Tonya about what happened, and how to help her not make the same choices again.”

  I let that sink in for a minute, wondering if maybe I needed to think about more than my discomfort with hearing details of abuse. “So, you really think I should go?”

  “Yes.”

  “I think so, too.”

  Nathan didn’t make it over that night, so he came by the next day after school. Dad had come home early so our ‘study’ session became a lot less fun. I curled up against Nathan on the couch and let myself bask in the reassuring warmth flowing from him. After weeks without him being around, it was heaven to just sit there and snuggle.

  He put on one of Bruce Willis’s older movies, and even the blasts of machine guns and explosions didn’t faze me. But that was the awesome thing about action movies. I didn’t really have pay attention to the entire thing, just my favorite parts.

  Lily came in at one point, and for the first time since I’d gone completely mental and broken up with Nathan, she didn’t look as if she were about to die in agony. But there was still a strain pulling at the corners of her mouth and darkening the skin around her eyes, which with her pale complexion didn’t help her out at all. Whatever she’d been going through, it was bigger than me and my love life. Something more was bothering her and I wished I had her ability to know exactly what people were feeling.

  I watched her for a bit before I was distracted by the feather light touches of Nathan’s fingers along my arm. Glancing up at him, I smiled, loving how the tingling sensation he brought to life reminded me who I was with. I had Nathan back, without having to apologize -because I definitely don’t remember having to do that - and life felt like it was getting back to normal. Except for Tonya.

  Lily shifted in her seat and looked over at me, her hands slowly curling into fists. I wanted to just ignore her, but she’d looked almost peaceful only moments before. I gave her a slight, though reluctant, nod.

  “I don’t know how you watch this stuff.” She rose from the recliner. As she walked by us, I reached out my hand, letting hers brush across my skin. Tonya didn’t completely disappear from my thoughts, but the worry and pain I had been associating with her vanished. I took a deep, calming breath and snuggled closer to Nathan.

  “You okay?” Nathan asked, staring down at me. I loved his stormy eyes. Most of the time I didn’t notice people’s eye color, but with his I couldn’t not notice. They didn’t change color spontaneously, or glow in the dark, but they definitely twinkled just a bit when he thought something was really funny, or right before he kissed me. They were twinkling now.

  “I’m better than okay,” I replied and followed up by reaching behind his head and pulling him in for a short kiss. “I’m perfect.”

  His eyes practically sparkled. “Oh, I don’t know about that. Perfect is pretty steep praise. I think you could use a bit more practice.”

  “Oh, really?” I leaned away from him and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Just a bit. Then again, maybe I’m wrong. Let me test you out again.” He moved in quick, pressed his lips to mine, and I forgot about trying to prove myself, or about pretending offense. Instead, I let myself drown in the taste of him. He’d been in my
dad’s thin mint chocolates.

  “You know,” I said as we parted for air, “you really need to stay out of my dad’s candy. He doesn’t need another reason to want to kill you.”

  “Hmm, so I have to either give up the chocolates or kissing you? Wow, that’s a hard one.”

  I punched his arm lightly. “I suggest you make a quick choice, before I decide you don’t get either.”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll lay off his candy.” He gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then turned back to the movie.

  I glanced at him, watching the way his eyes made tiny movements as they took in the action on the screen. He tugged me closer and I relaxed into his arms with a smile, thinking of how close I’d come to losing him for good. If Tonya hadn’t called, if she hadn’t gone to Trevor’s, there was a chance that I would have shoved my foot, okay feet, back in my mouth after seeing Nathan and Vivian together at the theater. I felt a nudge of guilt as Tonya came back to my mind, but it was done and I knew there was nothing I could do to change her situation.

  “You know I’m sorry, right?”

  He looked at me, an eyebrow cocked in surprise. “Excuse me? Did I just hear you say sorry?”

  “Ha ha. This is serious. I’m sorry I blamed you.”

  “What brought this on?”

  “I just...” The words froze in my throat. Admitting I was terrified of how close I’d been to losing him would leave me open to that horrible vacuum of emptiness I’d been in without him.

  My silence brought a smirk to his face.

  “I know,” he said, “you couldn’t stand to be without this hotness again.” He flexed his biceps and then squeezed me close while we laughed.

  When my giggles finally settled, I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him, trying to put everything I felt into it. I wanted him to feel everything I wasn’t ready to voice yet.

  We stayed pressed to each other, taking in the other’s breaths until the sound of the door at the top of the stairs opening drew us apart. Nathan’s wandering hands came back to mine, and I slid my fingers through his.

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  “What for?” I asked.

  “You were right that I didn’t believe you. Well, I did, but I didn’t. When it was stuff that wasn’t in my face, I didn’t have to believe it. Then when I finally saw Trevor in action, I realized that you’d been right. I hung out with the guy, and he seemed so cool.”