“Yes, she tells me the young fellow is doing well.”
“Yes,” Millie agreed, brightening. Her updates on Effie’s progress came from Richard Sutton; Millie herself hadn’t communicated directly with Effie since she’d visited the Suttons’ house at the time of the start of her job. “She’s called him Callum, you know – a good Celtic name!”
“Of course I know – she named him after my father.”
“Really?” Millie pondered this information. “That was a nice gesture.”
“I was very touched,” Ryan said.
They fell silent, Millie aware that her hands were still enfolded in his and wondering how to free them without appearing cold.
“I could read to you, if you like,” she suggested after some moments had passed. “I could nip back to my room and fetch a book–”
“Have we really nothing more to talk about, Millie?” Ryan asked rather forlornly.
“I’m sorry,” Millie replied weakly. “It was just so unexpected seeing you last night – I think I’m still in shock.” She immediately regretted her choice of words: ‘shell-shock,’ she knew, was a term they’d coined to describe the condition that Richard had implied Ryan was suffering from.
“I knew you’d be here,” Ryan said. “Was just desperate to see you.”
Millie couldn’t formulate a response to his admission.
“I sense your feelings for me have changed, Millie,” he said sadly.
Millie looked down at her hands as she withdrew them from his grasp. “It’s just this war,” she said rather feebly. “I’ve changed, Ryan. The notion of love seems a very frivolous one at the moment–”
“I can’t think of a time when love mattered more, Millie,” Ryan said earnestly, shaking his head. “Is there someone else?” he asked.
Millie found she could look him in the eye to answer that question. “No,” she said plainly. But she found her honesty couldn’t extend to telling him the real reason behind the alteration in her affections.
“I’m tired, Ryan,” Millie said. It was no lie but it was their conversation that had left her feeling drained, rather than anything that had gone before it. “Maybe tomorrow we could have a walk around the grounds at some point – they’re lovely. I can push you in a chair if you’re not up to walking–”
“There’s nothing wrong with my legs, Millie,” Ryan said resentfully.
It wasn’t long before Millie left Ryan’s bedside. And she feared that, as she did so, his spirits were as low as hers.
But, back in her room, Millie didn’t go to sleep for a couple of hours. She sat at her small table and composed two letters. The first was addressed to her father, asking him if he could arrange for Ryan to return to Glassnest to convalesce for a time before returning to the war. ‘Arrange’ was to over-simplify her request, of course, but she felt that, since Richard had implied that Randolph had already had a hand in determining Ryan’s fate, his influence could, perhaps, be extended further. Moreover, she suggested that Effie would make the perfect nurse for Ryan and wondered if her father might consider recalling her to Glassnest to undertake that role. (She didn’t go too deeply into the issue of the baby. As she saw it, the baby could return with Effie or stay with the Suttons – Effie could decide upon that. Preoccupations with moral quibbles seemed increasingly ridiculous to Millie in the face of all the tragedy of the war.)
The second letter she wrote to Effie herself, congratulating her upon the arrival of Callum, saying she trusted mother and baby were well and broaching the subject of a return to Glassnest. She explained that Ryan had been injured and needed care but urged Effie not to worry about him. Again, she avoided the issue of the baby in her mention of any projected return to the Hall.
When she’d signed, re-read and sealed the letters, Millie finally retired to bed. But she didn’t sleep. She lay, thinking of Ryan. She was meddling in his life again, she realised. It was something she seemed incapable of resisting – and, once again, she couldn’t be sure that what she was doing was right.
Chapter 17
The following day Millie sought out Richard at the first opportunity. “I wanted to talk to you about Ryan O’Flynn,” she began.
“There’s little point,” Richard replied briskly, “He’s due to be discharged today.”
“Discharged?” Millie echoed. “Where will he be sent?”
“Back to the war,” Richard said.
“But he can’t,” Millie protested, with a shadow of the petulant girl she had once been.
“Look Millicent,” Richard began calmly, “Ryan should never have been admitted here in the first place. It’s very difficult to justify keeping him–”
“But you know he’s not right. You said yourself his spirits are low–”
“Is that really any wonder, given that he’s been engaged in fighting a battle?”
Millie was annoyed by Richard’s impatient tone.
He sensed her distress and relented, saying, “I know it’s hard because he’s one of your father’s men but the point is, Millie, if he were any other soldier, he’d just be sent back now his injuries have been seen to. It’s unfair to treat him any differently.”
Millie knew Richard was right but she refused to give up. “Please Richard,” she said, “can’t he stay a couple more days. I wrote to my father and I’m sure he’ll respond quickly when he knows the situation.”
Richard’s expression was dubious.
“Ryan’s like a brother to me,” Millie urged, but she feared she sounded unconvincing, in as much as she was at risk of suggesting he meant something more to her than a brother.
Richard sighed. Millie knew she was compromising his professional ethics.
“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, “but it really can only be a couple of days.”
Richard was about to leave Millie, to resume his rounds of the patients but before he could go, she added, “And Richard, please don’t let Ryan know that I’m involved in this – he’s terribly proud, you see.”
Richard only nodded and looked at her seriously. He couldn’t smile in regard to any of this business.
* * *
At the first opportunity once her urgent duties of the morning had been performed, Millie sent a telegram to Glassnest, briefly outlining her concerns for Ryan and stressing the need for Randolph to act quickly – her letter would take too long to arrive. There followed a tense couple of days as Millie awaited some response from her father. When none came and she accepted that Richard’s period of grace had expired, Millie approached him in a mood of resignation.
“What will happen to Ryan O’Flynn?” she asked Richard, after having opened the conversation with another contrived topic, in order to appear less desperate than she really was.
“He’s travelling to Glassnest tomorrow,” Richard replied.
Millie’s face was a mixture of delight and guilt at the success of her scheme. “And when will they make him return across the Channel?” she continued, assuming the respite could only be temporary.
Richard avoided her gaze as he explained, “He won’t be going back, Millie.”
She was silent, intrigued by what she heard.
“It seems O’Flynn has a weak heart – something that was missed when he had his initial medical examination. Now that’s been identified, he’s deemed unfit for war.”
Millie hung her head, knowing the defect had been concocted. But, in truth, she was glad she’d meddled. All she wanted was for Ryan to be safe.
“It wasn’t me,” Richard stressed, looking her in the eye at last. “It was Doctor Sams who examined him.”
Millie nodded and thought that their conversation had reached an end.
“You should be aware though, that this might just lead to a worsening of his mental condition. The problem a lot of these men have is that they feel guilt that their comrades have died while they’ve survived. If Ryan’s permanently discharged now, he’ll be left dwelling on that thought,” Richard warned.
&n
bsp; Another reason for Millie to feel responsible, she reflected. But what else could she have done?
* * *
Throughout her intervention in his affairs, Millie had been visiting Ryan in the evenings and talking to him in the same unsatisfactory way that they’d spoken when he’d first arrived at the hospital. By the time he came to leave for Glassnest the situation hadn’t been resolved: Ryan was still offended and upset by Millie’s coolness; Millie was only increasingly aloof as she pretended ignorance of Ryan’s supposed medical condition and the plans that she principally had made for his future.
“I just can’t understand where this diagnosis of a heart problem has come from,” Ryan complained to her during their last conversation before his departure from the hospital. “I mean, you know me, Millie, I’m as strong as an ox.”
“But apparently you’re not, Ryan,” Millie responded. “The doctors know what they’re talking about. It’s just fortunate they found the defect in time.”
Millie found she had to divert her gaze from his earnest face. Ryan was looking at her suspiciously.
“I don’t know what earthly use I’ll be at the big house,” he continued.
“Everybody will be thrilled to have you back,” she said.
“But I can’t apply myself to anything–”
“Which is exactly why you shouldn’t be going back to the frontline,” Millie said firmly.
“But I should Millie,” Ryan insisted in an anguished tone. “I’ve no right to be excused from that duty.”
And when he said that, Millie couldn’t find adequate words of reply. She couldn’t say that she just wanted him to be safe – that would only compound his feelings of being unjustly favoured. Furthermore, she couldn’t say anything that would imply she still loved him in any way beyond that in which she would love a brother. So, adopting the tone of the professional administrator that she now was, Millie simply said, “Well, there’s nothing you can do about it,” and later on, when she’d left him for what was likely to be the last time for a matter of months at least, she realised that it had probably been the least helpful thing she could have said.
Chapter 18
More time passed; the war wore on, it seemed to Millie, endlessly. She was sustained by the sense that her work was worthwhile and by the friendship she enjoyed with Richard and Margaret. They, she knew, were buoyed by their love for one another and by the prospect of being able to be truly united once the war was over. Margaret had confided in Millie regarding Richard’s plan to set up a private practice in London, enabling Margaret to work alongside him. Once they had earned sufficient funds for Richard to no longer be reliant on family money, they would marry, regardless of whether their union had his uncle’s approval.
Millie couldn’t help but envy the optimism their intentions gave them. For herself, she could see nothing beyond her present life and work in the hospital. She could never go back to Glassnest – she didn’t want to.
She managed to avoid visiting the Hall for a matter of years, always urging Randolph to meet up with her at Aunt Rose’s in London, in preference to travelling back home herself. Effie had, in accordance with Millie’s plan, returned to the Hall soon after Ryan, taking Callum with her. Millie didn’t ask after them but she envisaged them enjoying the kind of companionship that existed between Richard and Margaret. Although it was the outcome she had wanted, she couldn’t bear to witness it or even hear mention of it.
But Millie could defer a visit to Glassnest no longer once Richard Sutton relayed to her a piece of information that his aunt had passed on to him. “Ben Windham has been killed in the war, Millie,” he told her plainly on a Monday morning after he’d spent the weekend on leave in London with his aunt and uncle.
She wasn’t surprised – death was no longer surprising. But she knew instantly what the problem was.
“Effie confided in my aunt,” Richard continued, looking at Millie knowingly. “My aunt is eager that she shouldn’t hear the news casually – it would upset her. She wondered if you might be willing to deliver it to her in person.”
Millie knew she had to go to Glassnest to do that – and she couldn’t delay: bad news travels fast; Millie had to get to Effie before it did.
* * *
Having Richard’s consent, Millie was able to leave for Glassnest the following day. She wanted her visit to be as low-key as possible but she had to let them know she was coming so that she could be met at the station. However, to Millie’s relief, she discovered, upon arrival at the village station and being collected by John, that her father –and Ryan– were currently away on business (it was to do with the stables, John said but he knew no more). This made things easier.
On getting back to the Hall, Millie declined John’s offer to ask one of the maids to fetch her some tea, and made straight for the kitchens. There, Millie found the cook at work and also Mrs Overton, as she had hoped.
“I’m very eager to see Effie, Mrs O,” Millie said once they’d exchanged pleasantries and Mrs Overton had made Millie agree to eat something after her long journey. “Might I go up to her room while Cook’s making my tea?” It was late afternoon and Millie knew that Effie was likely to be having a break from her work.
“Oh she doesn’t live in the house now, Miss Millie,” Mrs Overton explained. “She and young Callum have O’Flynn’s cottage.”
“Ryan’s grandmother’s place?” Millie queried, in truth knowing full well what the housekeeper meant.
“Yes, as soon as they came back from London, Ryan insisted they should take it.”
“And where does he stay?” Millie asked.
“Shares a room in the house with young Daniel,” Mrs Overton replied.
Millie wasn’t surprised by this development. After she’d drunk the tea and eaten the teacakes that Cook had offered her, she wended her way along the path through the woods that led to the little house.
Effie answered Millie’s knock promptly and invited her in. The cottage, Millie noted, seemed brighter now it was inhabited by Effie. The young women embraced warmly, safe from the gaze of those who would have disapproved of such informality between mistress and servant.
“Will you take some tea, Miss?” Effie asked.
Millie didn’t really want any more tea but she accepted the offer, knowing that what she had to say was news best received accompanied by the comfort of a hot, sweet drink.
As Effie brewed the tea, the young women talked in, what seemed to Millie, a contrived manner. She wasn’t really concentrating on the conversation – she was just waiting for the opportunity to say what she had to. Once Effie handed Millie her cup and saucer and took her own seat beside the fire, there was a silence that Millie broke, saying, “Benjamin Windham is dead, Effie.”
Little more needed to be said to explain the circumstances. And, once Millie had told Effie what she knew, all the girl had to say in response was, “Must be terrible for his parents.”
“Yes,” Millie agreed.
They fell silent, Effie gazing into the embers of the small fire that had been burning, Millie allowing her eye to wander around the room. She spied a framed picture of Ryan on the Welsh dresser that had belonged to his grandmother. It should have come as no surprise to her that Effie had taken the news of Ben Windham’s death so stoically – she had a new love in her life, and it was a source of both joy and sorrow for Millie to see confirmation of this. “How’s Callum?” she asked, realising she had been quiet for too long.
“Oh, very well, thank you, Miss. He’s asleep at present – still takes a nap in the afternoon.”
“And how do you get along at the Hall?”
“Very well, Miss Millie. I assist Mrs Overton with the housekeeping nowadays. It means I can keep an eye on the little one – although he spends most of his time getting under Cook’s feet in the kitchen.”
Millie smiled and was glad to hear that Effie had been accepted back into the bosom of Glassnest. She noted that Effie wasn’t wearing her mother’s wedding ri
ng but thought it better not to comment upon the fact. “And Ryan?” she ventured, suddenly appreciating that everyone at Glassnest might well assume Callum to be his son. Maybe Effie and Ryan were quite happy for that to be the case.
Effie was hesitant. “Not so well, to be honest, Miss.”
Millie said nothing and waited for Effie to elaborate.
“He’s a changed man since he came back home. You wouldn’t know him, Millie.”
Millie needed to phrase her next question carefully. “But … you and he…?” she said tentatively.
“Are as good friends as we ever were, Miss,” Effie was quick to reply, understanding Millie’s meaning only too well. “He’s always been so kind to me. And giving up the cottage for us like he did.”
“Yes,” Millie agreed. “But you’ve no intention to marry?” she asked boldly.
“No, Miss!” Effie said, rather amazed by the suggestion. “Well, not Ryan anyway,” she added in a confidential tone.
Millie watched her closely.
“To tell the truth Miss, I do have a sweetheart,” Effie continued, sounding, to Millie’s ear, as though she had been waiting for someone to confide in. “But we’re keeping it quiet for now.”
“Oh?” Millie said, not wishing to scare Effie out of sharing her secret.
“It’s Daniel, Miss,” Effie said, looking nervously to Millie for approval.
“That’s lovely,” Millie replied.
“I know he’s only young,” Effie hastened to add, “but he has a sound head and a stout heart, Miss, believe me.”
“I do Effie,” Millie said, reaching across and taking her hand.
“And he makes me feel younger,” Effie said.
“You are young, Effie!” Millie remarked, somewhat amused by the girl’s comment.
“I don’t feel it,” she said earnestly.
“No,” Millie agreed, shaking her head and sobering at the thought of what Effie meant. “This war has aged us all, I think.”
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