I was left standing there gasping for air as I watched the former love of my life walk away from me. Again. He cast a smile over his shoulder at me but he kept walking.
Good riddance.
Now if only the emotions he’d stirred up would disappear as quickly as Alex did.
“You’re shaking.” Ox said it quietly as he pulled me against him.
I turned in his arms because I didn’t want to see Alex anymore. I didn’t even want to watch him walk away. I wanted him to disappear, but more than that, I wanted to disappear. I could see my new teammates and friends hovering nearby. They were staring in wide-eyed fascination and I could only imagine how much they’d heard.
I hadn’t even realized that I’d placed my hands on Ox’s chest as I leaned against his warm, solid strength. But I felt his heartbeat under my palm. I focused on the slow, easy rhythm of his chest moving with each breath.
I focused on that until everyone around us disappeared, even Alex. They were still there, of course, but they didn’t exist in this little bubble of safety.
“Maddie.” He said my name so softly but it was still a growl and a shiver raced through me.
My anger and my frustration made it hard to think. I had flashes of Alex’s smirk, of Kelly’s flirtatious smile, of Tiffany touching Ox’s arm.
Mine.
The thought was the only one to make it through the haze of overwhelming sensations. Mine, mine, mine. For one second I wanted everyone else to disappear for both of us.
And so…I kissed him.
I kissed Ox.
I kissed Ox and my life would never be the same.
Chapter Ten
Maddie
I’ve kissed a lot of guys in my lifetime, but nothing had ever prepared me for this.
The kiss was magic. There was no other word for it. Heat rushed through me and my body responded from head to toe. But it was more than that. Something happened to my heart.
It melted.
Could hearts melt?
Maybe it mended. Like that part of my heart that had broken a year ago finally stitched itself back together.
Whatever it was, it was profound and it was undeniable. We stood there frozen for several heartbeats, my lips clinging to his, his arms wrapping around my waist as if the move was automatic. A reflex. Everything about the kiss felt reflexive, like this was what our bodies had been made to do.
His lips were firm and warm over mine and our mouths fit together seamlessly. Our bodies even seemed to fit, even though we were of such different heights and weights and builds. Still, there it was. His big, muscular body wrapped around me and I just…fit.
We didn’t deepen the kiss. It wasn’t like we were standing there making out or anything, it was just sweet. Simple. Innocent.
But I wanted to. I ached to deepen the kiss, to press myself against him in ways that were totally inappropriate for a football field. Particularly one that was filled with people who were either my friends or who were looking to me to be a leader.
Now was so not the time.
Even though I knew it, I did nothing to pull away. Instead, I sighed. It just sort of came out. It was a sigh of bliss. It was the sound of coming home.
It also seemed to jar him back to reality.
One moment he was holding me in his arms like I was some precious treasure and the next he was a solid foot away from me, out of arms’ reach and looking more distant than I’d ever seen him.
His eyes only met mine for a second before they flickered to a spot over my shoulder. What was he looking at? I almost turned to look but I didn’t have to.
“Your ex is gone. You don’t need to put on a show,” Ox said, his growl just loud enough to reach my ears.
It was just loud enough to stab me in the chest.
My mouth fell open. “I didn’t—I wasn’t—”
He turned away before I could finish. And even though he was a co-leader for this charity event, even though he needed to be here to get back on the football team, and even though he was the only one between the two of us who actually knew the rules of football—he left.
He walked away.
I was left standing there staring after him, and I don’t think I’d ever felt so alone in my entire life.
Alone except for all of my friends, of course.
“Oh. My. God.” Tiffany was at my side. “I knew you had a thing for him.”
I gave her a blank stare. Did she? I didn’t. Her smirk made my jaw clench. Heat swept through me and that familiar rage was back with a vengeance, but now I knew it for what it was.
Jealousy.
No, not just jealousy. It was a possessiveness the likes of which I hadn’t known I could feel.
She wanted Ox, but he was mine.
“Why didn’t you tell us you had a thing for him?” Kelly added, coming to her side.
Because you’d only want him more.
I bit my tongue to keep from saying something stupid. I didn’t like him, not like that. I never had.
Right?
Kelly’s eyes widened. “Or wait, are you guys just hooking up?”
Tiffany leaned in with a whisper. “How long have you two been together?”
I ignored them both. Mainly because I didn’t have any answers but also because I was mildly afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I tried to answer.
There was a very good possibility that it would involve shrieking.
Luckily Kate intervened. Kate who I’d been a witch to was at my side and leading me away from Kelly and Tiffany.
“Come on,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.”
“But…” I looked back at the motley crew of single high school and college students. They’d all come here at my request because I’d promised “fun for a cause.”
“I should get back,” I said, but my protest sounded weak to my own ears. The majority of my brain was focused on the fact that Ox had left me.
“Levi can handle it from here,” Kate said. She looked back and I caught some sort of silent interaction between her and her boyfriend.
God, they made me sick sometimes. Thank goodness I loved them both or I’d have to defriend them.
“Practice is almost over, anyways,” Kate continued. “And besides, more people have signed up for next weekend and we can’t form teams until everyone shows.”
I nodded. She had a point. Some of my guilt at being a slacker faded. I kind of wished it hadn’t because now I was stuck with all the other stuff.
The jealousy, the confusion, the anger…the hurt.
“Why did he leave?” I didn’t actually mean to say it aloud and I definitely didn’t mean to sound so pitiful, but Kate’s arm wrapped around my shoulders and she squeezed. “Let’s get you home.”
“Home” meant her house, apparently, and for that I was glad. My house was tiny and filled with humans. My parents and my little sisters, namely, but my sisters almost always brought friends home too. There was never any space to be alone.
At Kate’s house, on the other hand, there was nothing but space. Her mom was still at work and no one else lived there, although Kate expected to get word that her mom’s boyfriend was moving in any day now.
Kate made two cups of tea and set one down in front of me on the kitchen table. “I’m not going to order you to talk,” she said.
I groaned. “I’m sorry.” I felt a little better once the words were out. “I was a jerk. I should never have snapped at you like that.”
Kate sank into the seat across from me. “No,” she said. “You had a point. I was really in no position to give you a hard time for not talking when I rarely open up.”
I felt my lips tugging up. “Not without me prying it out of you, at least.”
She gave me a small smile. “Exactly.”
We shared an awkward silence—the kind that always followed apologies and making up. “I’m still sorry,” I said.
“Me too.”
We sipped at our tea until I couldn’t take the
silence any longer. “Well…okay then.”
“I’m not going to torture it out of you,” Kate said slowly. “But I do think it’ll help if you get it out.”
“Get what out?” I wasn’t playing stupid. I meant it. I wasn’t even sure where to begin. That kiss? My weird new feelings for Ox? The way I had a sudden and intense hatred toward two girls who were supposed to be my friends?
“How about you start with that guy who showed up on the football field earlier.”
Or that.
Alex.
She wanted me to tell her about Alex. I took a sip of tea and burned my tongue in the process. Guilt and shame warred in my belly. “I should have told you last year.”
She remained quiet. I guess if there was anyone who knew how to be patient and let someone talk it was this girl.
The words I thought I’d never get out bubbled up to the surface. They came out slowly at first, and then with such speed and emotion it felt like a violent upheaval.
It was the verbal equivalent of puking.
Pretty image, right? Yeah, well, that’s what it felt like. I was purging myself of the emotions that had been festering inside for a full year. I’d done such a good job burying them, I’d gotten so good at avoiding looking at them, that I hadn’t realized just how toxic they’d become.
When I was done, we sat there hovering over our empty mugs and staring at one another. Kate’s eyes were filled with sympathy, but thankfully not pity. As for me…well, I felt empty. Weary. Gutted. But I also felt better. It was eerily reminiscent of how I’d felt after having food poisoning.
When I said as much to Kate, she grinned. “Then it’s decided. From here on out we shall only refer to Alex as salmonella.” She lifted her empty mug in a toast and I cheersed her, laughing as I shook my head. “You’re weird.”
She shrugged. “That’s why you love me.”
I leaned forward. “That’s why Levi loves you.”
She blushed as I’d known she would, and the happiness in her eyes was so beautiful it hurt.
“I just want that,” I said, pointing at the offensively lovely happiness in her eyes. “That’s all I ever wanted.”
Kate reached across and placed a hand over mine. “And you’ll find it.”
An image filled my head—one so lovely and warm and perfect it made my heart clench in my chest. It was a fantasy. It was insanity. It was…exactly what I wanted.
Kate was looking at me expectantly, probably because I was clutching the table and breathing like I’d just gone for a run. I nibbled on my lip because she didn’t understand. She couldn’t.
“What?” she prompted.
“I—” I swallowed down the fear that had my throat choking up once again. “What if I’m wrong again.”
She met my gaze evenly, waiting for me to continue.
“I don’t know if I could take it.”
Kate sighed as she set down her mug. “Sure you could.” She lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I mean, it would suck, obviously. But you’d survive. It didn’t kill you this time, did it?”
I tried to match her hopeful smile but it didn’t quite work. I might not have died, literally, but something in me had. Something youthful and innocent and full of optimism. “I was just so sure.”
“You were young,” she said. “You still are.”
“So are you,” I pointed out. “So how are you so certain about Levi?”
She blushed again but this time she frowned, her expression thoughtful. “I don’t know, I guess I just have faith. In him. In us.” She gave her head a quick shake. “I know there’s a chance that we’ll grow apart, but for now he’s helping me to be the kind of person I want to be, and I’m helping him too, in my own way.”
I stared at her for so long she started to squirm. “What?” she said. “Was that too unbelievably cheesy?”
“Yes,” I said. “But it was also really…nice.”
She arched one brow. “Nice, huh?”
I swallowed. “Okay, fine. It sounds perfect. That’s what I want.”
Her lips quirked up on one side in a lopsided smile that was oddly reminiscent of her boyfriend. “I didn’t say it was perfect.”
I rolled my eyes. “Trust me, no one would ever imagine a relationship with Levi to be perfect.”
She grinned. “You know what I mean.”
I nodded. “No guy will ever be perfect, and I need to learn to love myself before expecting anyone else to love me, and blah blah blah. You read too many self-help books.”
She pointed a finger at me. “Hey, you’re the one who brought up the whole learning to love yourself thing.”
I rolled my eyes again. “Duh. That’s Psych 101 when it comes to relationships.”
She seemed to accept that at face value, for which I was glad. I didn’t want to rehash our earlier conversation by talking about how I’d spent the better part of this last year focusing on loving myself because I’d read every single self-help book known to man. I did love myself. I had no issues with me, other than the fact that I was pissed beyond belief with myself for being stupid enough to fall for Alex. I loved myself enough to know that I didn’t need a guy to feel whole, that I didn’t need a boyfriend to be worthy, and that I didn’t need a man in my life to be loved.
I knew all that. I understood it. I could recite it all backwards and forwards but it didn’t change the fact that I wanted love in my life, and it hadn’t made my heartache go away. Nothing had.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. I thought back to that kiss. The kiss. The kiss that would henceforth be the benchmark for all kisses to come.
That had done…something. But what exactly?
Kate leaned forward and she reached a hand out to cover mine. “You know,” she started slowly. “I’ve always admired you, Maddie.”
I widened my eyes in surprise at the unexpected compliment.
“You are the most thoughtful and generous person I know,” she continued. “Not only that, you’re so confident. That’s so amazing to me.”
The way she said confident made it sound like a miracle—like I could fly or something.
I couldn’t really deny it. Not even being dumped by a jerk like Alex and having a broken heart could change the fact that I loved me. I was pretty amazing. Huh. The thought made me grin.
“But,” she said.
Uh oh. “I knew there had to be a but.” I sighed.
Her smile was small, sweet, and patient. “Sometimes I think you get so caught up in taking care of everyone else that you don’t think to worry about you.”
“What’s there to worry about?” I teased. “You just said it yourself. I’m amazing.”
She laughed, as I’d hoped she would, but she didn’t let up. “You are amazing, but even the most amazing people need help sometimes.”
I opened my mouth to make another joke but let it go with a sigh. She was right. Of course she was right. “I should have talked to you or Callie about Alex last year when it all went down.”
Her only response was a little hitch of her eyebrows.
I swallowed, rolling my lips between my teeth as I went through the unpleasant task of worrying about myself. Because here’s the thing—even when I’d been reading all those self-help books, I hadn’t allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. I’d focused on keeping a smile on my face and on all my many winning attributes.
But in not wallowing I also hadn’t dealt with the hurt—I’d just buried it. I’d focused on charity events and pet projects and helping my friends sort out their love lives…
It was just starting to dawn on me that while I was studiously focusing on what wouldn’t make me unhappy, I hadn’t spent any time thinking about what would make me happy.
The difference was subtle but it was crucial.
Kate had a point. Maybe it was time I started thinking about what I wanted—on what would honestly make me happy and not just what would make me look like I’d moved on.
Dating lots of guys and harboring crus
hes on college boys who knew me as well as my Great Aunt Ida who I saw once a year and insisted on crocheting me hideous sweaters every Christmas…that wasn’t exactly healthy. Any self-help book could tell me that. They had told me that, but I hadn’t been willing to listen.
Why?
Because it was so much easier to deal with boys who didn’t know me. They were such a great diversion. A distraction from the pain. They were easy, and simple, and harmless. Unlike someone who might get close to me. Unlike someone who might be able to see the fact that I’m not always happy, and that my life isn’t always perfect.
Someone like, say…Ox.
The thought of his name was enough to make me grow still. Eerily so if Kate’s expression were anything to go by.
“Maddie?” she said, her tone wary. “Are you all right?”
I gave a jerky nod. “Just…thinking.”
She bit her bottom lip as she studied me. “Are you thinking about what it is that you want? What you need?”
I nodded.
Kate’s lips twitched up in a little smile. “Is it a someone?”
I gave another little nod, too afraid to speak. Something was coming to light inside of me. A realization. A dawning. It had started in my heart a while ago and now it was making its way through my body and slowly but surely creeping into my thick skull.
Kate arched a brow. “Does his name start with an O?”
I let out a breathless little laugh as I nodded again.
Kate grinned but her voice was filled with understanding. “It’s terrifying, huh?”
I let out a long exhale as I met her gaze. “Totally.”
Chapter Eleven
Ox
I was staring at my textbook but not actually seeing it when I heard Maddie’s voice.
“Your mom said I could find you up here.”
I looked over to see her hovering in the doorway to my bedroom. Except for the fact that my mom wasn’t here to usher her in, this was uncannily like the last time she’d shown up at my door unannounced.
The Perfect Score (Kissing the Enemy Book 3) Page 10