Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

  I resist only because I have to take this slow. I have to be patient.

  I go downstairs and make Lyndsay a cup of tea. She said she won’t feel like eating for another day or so and in the meantime she’ll drink plenty of water. She said she vomits if she eats too soon after her treatment. Her main side effects have been fatigue, loss of appetite and hair loss. She has moments where she forgets where she is and it takes her a few seconds to get her bearings. She has a few days of sleeping, followed by a few more days where she feels lethargic before she begins to feel herself again. Sometimes, she gets a fever during the second week after treatment, but that is usually only very mild.

  “How’s Lyndsay this morning?”

  I turn around and Gavin is standing at the bench in the kitchen.

  “She’s good. She’s fine.” I smile.

  Gavin smiles back at me. “Have you proposed to her yet?”

  “Not funny,” I say. “We talked.”

  “And…?”

  “And I’m going to take Jasmine’s advice on board and take things slowly. Let Lyndsay set the pace.”

  “Wow,” Gavin says. “I wasn’t expecting that.” He goes to the pantry and pulls down a box of Mikey’s chocolate cereal. “What did Lyndsay say?”

  “She didn’t say much, only that I have huge Pecs.”

  Gavin laughs and pulls a bowl from the cupboard. “Did she say anything to give you hope that you two might have a future?”

  I think hard but the answer is no. “She didn’t tell me she hates me.”

  “Well, that’s a start.” Gavin fills the bowl with cereal. “Where is she now?”

  “She’s having a shower,” I say and before I can stop myself, I grin.

  Gavin shakes his head. “You’re a sick pervert. She’s sick from chemo and all you can think about is the fact that she’s naked in your shower.”

  “Pretty much.” I remember how her body used to look naked, but now, I know it won’t look the same. “Hey, do girls need two ovaries to have babies?”

  “How the hell would I know?”

  “You have eleven sisters,” I retort.

  “Yep, and I’ve never once spoken to any of them about their ovaries.”

  “I have a vague memory from when Mum was sick. I think chemotherapy can cause infertility. Surely having only one ovary reduces your chances. There must be a reason girls have two ovaries.”

  Gavin shrugs. “You’re speaking to the wrong person. Ask Jas.” He adds milk to his cereal and picks up his bowl. “Anyway, having babies with Lyndsay is a long way off, wouldn’t you say?”

  Having babies with anyone is a long way off for me. I don’t want any more kids until I’m done with a couple more records and tours. But when I do have them, I want them with Lyndsay.

  Lyndsay’s ten minutes are up. Her cup of tea is ready and sitting on the kitchen bench. But I can’t wait for her to come down here, so I head back up to my bedroom.

  I get to the top of the stairs and stop dead in my tracks. A door, that door, to that room is open. That door has not been opened since I first came home from hospital to pack my bag before going to rehab.

  My heart sinks to my gut because I know who has opened it. I walk toward it and look in.

  I should’ve had this door bolted shut. I should’ve filled this room with a hundred tonnes of concrete. I should’ve lit the room on fire. This room holds nothing but negativity and now, seeing Lyndsay sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down I know she is reliving that entire night again.

  I step in to the room and quietly say her name. “I am so sorry.”

  She looks up at me, startled and smiles. Then she holds up a framed photo. “This was a happy day,” she says. It’s a photo from beside my bed. I took that photo on my phone. It’s a photo, a "selfie", of Mikey, Lyndsay and I. We’re standing in front of the Opera House in Sydney. We’re all smiling, we all look happy. That was a happy moment. Lyndsay is right, that was a happy day. And there were a lot of happy days after that one. Seeing Lyndsay in a crowd of my fans, smiling and jumping and dancing. The first night I held her while she slept. The day I stole a kiss from her. The first time we made love. The laughter and music and the quiet reassurances. They were all happy times. I felt I could do nothing wrong. But I did the most wrong thing anyone could do to another person. I betrayed Lyndsay’s trust. I broke her heart.

  “There was a time when I would have travelled to the ends of the earth for you. But there was one thing, one thing I wasn’t ready to give you. So you let that whore bitch Liane do it instead.”

  “Lyndsay, I didn’t…”

  She cuts me off. “You used to tell me you loved me. Every single day you told me that. You think you still love me. But if you really loved me Mike, you would never have let someone else give you pleasure, a pleasure that belonged to me to give. It doesn’t matter that you were drunk. It doesn’t matter that you were feeling weak. What matters is that if you really did love me, you would’ve fought with all your strength to make sure I never felt worthless. And that’s what I felt then, that night, when I walked into this room and found you lying here. And now, sitting in the exact same spot, I feel that worthlessness all over again.” Her voice remains calm and quiet. It chills me to the bone because I know what is coming next. “I want to go home, Mike. I want you to stop sending me those stupid notes. And I want...I need you gone from my life.”

  She stands up and looks at me, holding the framed picture out to me. I take it from her and she walks past me toward the door.

  This can’t be it. This can’t be the last time I see her. Our story can’t end here. Not in this damned room.

  In my panic, I say the first thing that comes to my mind. “No.”

  She stops just outside the room and turns around. “You don’t get a say…”

  I interrupt her. “I do get a say because it’s my life too. It’s my heart that aches every day knowing that I’ve ruined the one good thing to ever happen to me.” I take a step toward her. “I’d give it all up, the music and the money and the fans, all of it, if I could just have you.”

  “No, you can’t have me,” she says.

  “Why not?” I step toward her again.

  “Because I don’t love you Mike.”

  “Tell me and mean it.” I’m treading in dangerous waters now. If she tells me she doesn’t love me, I will drown in a world of heartbreak. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. If you can do that, I will let you walk away and you will never see me again. I would do that for you Lyndsay if that’s what would make you happy because I only live to make you happy.”

  She squares her shoulders, takes a deep breath and looks up into my eyes. Her mouth opens, but no noise comes out.

  “Tell me,” I say.

  She opens her mouth again but still no words leave her lips.

  I step toward her and take her face in my hands. “Tell me you don’t love me.” My voice is a hoarse whisper.

  She looks into my eyes and holds my gaze.

  If she says it, it will completely kill me.

  “I want to go home,” she finally says.

  I release the breath I wasn’t aware I’d been holding. “Why?” I ask, releasing her face and resting my hands on her shoulders.

  “Because my heart also aches every single day and it’s because of you that I’m hurting.”

  “Then stay with me and let me heal you.”

  She shakes her head. “I can’t Mike. I want to go home.” She takes a step away before she turns around and goes into my room. I stand frozen to the spot. I’m losing her again. I should fight to keep her here but the fight in me has gone and it’s been replaced by panic and an urge; that all too familiar urge to be numb.

  I can’t let her see me fall to pieces. I want to prove to her that I’m strong. I can’t let her see me.

  I let her go. I watch from inside as she gets into Gavin’s car.

  “Lyndsay!!” I hear as Mikey runs past me out to the driveway.


  Lyndsay gets out of the car and kneels down so she’s at eye level with Mikey. She talks to him and then he talks to her. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but suddenly Mikey throws himself at her and wraps his arms around her neck.

  Then she says four words I was hoping she’d say to me. “I love you too.” I don’t hear the words, but her lips move and I know what she’s said because she’s said it to me in the past. She pulls away from Mikey and gets into the car. Mikey steps back and as Gavin drives down the driveway, Mikey chases after them, waving and yelling out goodbye.

  I watch her leave. It hurts to see her go. It hurts to know that she is still hurting.

  But if feels kinda great to know that she never did tell me that she doesn’t love me.

  27.

  Everyone is looking at me expectantly; Gavin, Steve, Paul and Anton, our new manager. They’re all waiting for me to say that yes, I have found a nanny and we’re not going to have a repeat of what we went through while recording the album.

  “Mike,” Anton says. “You’ve hired a babysitter, right?”

  “They’re not babysitters, Ant. They’re Nanny’s. And I’m working on it.”

  Everyone groans. This has been the same answer I’ve given every time we’ve had a meeting or a jam.

  “We leave in two weeks Mike. I don’t have to remind you of that, do I?” Anton is a great manager but he is such a nag.

  “I’m fully aware of my schedule. Don’t worry, I’m handling it.”

  Paul stands up. “I need a smoke. Are we done here?”

  “Yeah we’re done.” Anton gives me a certain look letting me know that I’ll be up to it to my eyeballs if I don’t find a nanny.

  The problem is, I only trust one person with my kid. And I could leave him with Cherry; we’re only going to be gone for ten days. But I know I’d miss him too much and I’ve got a lot of time to make up to him. I don’t want to leave him. I want to bring him with me.

  Gavin keeps looking across to me. I’m driving us home. He wants to say something but he keeps stopping himself.

  “Just say it dude,” I prompt.

  “Okay, well, if I tell you, you have to promise you won’t tell anyone I told you, because Jas would sever my nuts if she knew I told you.”

  I’m somewhat grateful that I’m not the only male Jasmine has threatened to castrate. “You have my word. What’s up?”

  Gavin takes a deep breath. “You know we saw Lynd’s a few weeks ago?”

  Of course I know that. Gavin, Jasmine, Grace and Mikey all went to Lyndsay’s Aunt’s house for a great celebratory dinner. Lyndsay had got her test results back and they were all clear. The cancer was gone. Meredith and Levi flew in for the occasion and it seems everyone was there to congratulate Lyndsay.

  Everyone except me.

  What’s worse, I couldn’t even call her or text her because I still don’t have her new number. She gave it to Jasmine under the strict instructions that I was never to get it.

  These two actions alone made me realise that I had absolutely no chance of ever seeing Lyndsay again. She would never forgive me for what I’d done.

  “Well,” Gavin continues. “She mentioned...I mean she knows about the tour. And she said...she said that…”

  “Dude! Just say it.”

  “She said that going back to work with people she knows and trusts would make things a lot easier and if your management was to call her to hire her she wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of working for you again.”

  “She said that?” I say eagerly.

  “She said it, and then very quickly added it was the worse idea ever she’d ever had and working for you would be a nightmare.”

  “She said that?” I say again, with a lot less enthusiasm. “Then why did you tell me?”

  “Because, if she was completely opposed to the idea, she wouldn’t be thinking about it, would she?”

  That makes sense. “So should I get management to call her?”

  Gavin gives me a doubtful look.

  “I would call her but I don’t have her number,” I say.

  “Maybe not. But you know where she lives. And I know for a fact she’s home today.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I spoke to her on the phone last night and when I asked if she had any plans this weekend, she said she’s planning on doing a whole lot of nothing.”

  “So I should go and see her this weekend?”

  “Why not go see her today? It’s a nice sunny day, a good day for a drive to the country.”

  My hopes suddenly come back to life and I find myself grinning like a fool at the thought of seeing her again. “You’re right. It is a nice day for a drive.”

  After Gavin and Jasmine got back after taking Lyndsay home, Gavin and I talked for ages. He wouldn’t tell me anything Lyndsay had said, or whether she had cried or if she was mad. He told me nothing. All he told me was to give her time.

  Time. Bloody time.

  Gavin listened as I dissected ever single moment Lyndsay and I shared together those few days she was with me after her chemo treatment and each time I came to the same conclusion; Lyndsay still loves me.

  There are a lot of things that brought me to that conclusion; the way she let me hold her, the way she held me, the smiles, the laughs, the touches. They all reassured me. But the one thing that really convinced me was the way she trusted me. She trusted me to bring her home and to care for her. Lyndsay always had huge trust issues, for obvious reasons. So the fact that she still showed signs that she trusted me was a sure sign that she still loves me.

  When I shared my overwhelming evidence with Gavin, he didn’t tell me I was crazy and that it was time to move on. He smiled and said that time would tell.

  I know Gavin well enough to know that if I had no chance he would’ve told me so, so he must be pretty confident that she still has feelings for me too. I just wish I knew what she’d said to make him so sure.

  I drop Gavin at home and check that I have a copy of the itinerary and an electronic ticket. It has the name Jane Smith on it, but one phone call and that name can quickly be changed to Lyndsay Griffin.

  I get back in the car and remind myself to keep calm. I don’t need to be pulled over for speeding a few weeks out from a promotional tour and I definitely don’t need to end up wrapped around a tree.

  I set my cruise control once I get on the freeway and watch the distance tick over one kilometre at a time.

  She’s not answering her front door. I know she’s home, her car is in the driveway and I can hear soft music coming from the house. She’s not listening to any of my albums and the thought makes me tense, but she’s allowed to listen to other bands so I quickly tell myself to calm the hell down.

  I knock again and when she doesn’t answer the door, I decide to head around to the back of the house. She might be in the garden or walking around the back paddocks. The last thing I want to do is go up to her aunt’s house to ask after her.

  It’s almost like the moment I see her she senses me and she quickly turns her head toward me. She’s lying down on the grass, a large blue blanket under her. She’s sunning the patches on her back.

  “What are you doing here?” she asks me as she pulls the blanket up around her.

  I quickly turn around, giving her the privacy I know she wants but doesn’t need. She’s topless, but she’s wearing knickers and I’ve seen her a hundred times more naked than that.

  “I was in the neighbourhood and I thought I’d drop in.” I turn my head slightly and see that she’s covered by the blanket so I turn around again. “You’re looking really good, Lyndsay.” She is. She’s put on a little bit of weight, her face looks fuller. And I don’t know if it’s the sun or the fact that I’ve just barged in and seen her topless, albeit her back, but she has a lovely pink glow to her cheeks.

  “What brings you here, Mike?” She adjusts the blanket and I sense that she’s uncomfortable so I decide to get straight to the point.
r />   “I’m sure you know that the album is finished.”

  She nods her head and I continue. “We’re going on a small promotional tour in two weeks and I don’t want to leave Mikey for that long. Anyway, I was hoping that you’d come along to help out with Mikey. He adores you and I’m pretty certain you feel the same way about him. He can pretty much look after himself now, he’ll be six in a few months...but you already know that. You got him a present for his last birthday. Anyway, I’m rambling.” I take a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? I’m pretty sure she’s going to say yes. “So we leave in two weeks. The tour starts in Sydney.” I pull the itinerary from my back pocket. “This is the paperwork.”

  “I haven’t said that I’ll do it,” she says, not moving to take the envelope.

  “No, you haven’t. But I’m hopeful that you will say yes.”

  She stands still, just looking at me. And I have no idea what she is thinking. “Did Jasmine tell you to come here?”

  Thank goodness and hallelujah I don’t have to lie to her. “No, Jasmine doesn’t tell me to do anything. Well, she does, but I very rarely listen to her.” I smile to try to soften the mood. “There is no one I trust as much as you to look after Mikey and I’m really hoping you’ll say yes.” I hold the paperwork out to her again. “Take it. You don’t have to give me an answer now. If you decide to come along, I’ll see you at the airport.”

  She hesitates, but reaches out and takes the envelope. “What if I don’t show up? What will you do then?”

  What will I do? I’ll die if she doesn’t show up because my heart couldn’t handle her rejection yet again. And then Gavin, Steve, Paul and Anton will kill me because we’ll be on tour without a nanny. So either way, I’ll be dead.

  “I don’t know, Lyndsay,” I say feeling every bit as pathetic as I sound. “I don’t know what I’ll do.” I turn around and walk away. As I approach the car, I pull my phone from my pocket and send a text to Anton. ‘Nanny booked. She’ll meet us at the airport.’ I smile get into my car. Maybe if I believe hard enough, she’ll come.