Blue Saturn
Page 34
“Because I was weak, Lyndsay. Mentally and physically, I was pathetic. I was full of self doubt, so much so that I couldn’t see how my actions would eventually hurt those I love the most, you and Mikey. And I wanted to get clean for you, I really did, but it wasn’t enough to want to get clean for you or for Mikey. I needed to want to be clean for me. I needed to be strong for me because until that happened, I could never be strong enough for you and Mikey.” I slide off my seat onto the floor in front of Lyndsay, kneeling in front of her, looking up into her wet eyes. “Lyndsay, I have that strength now, in every aspect of my life.” I reach out and take her hands in mine. They’re cold and it takes all my control not to pull them to my chest and hold them there to warm them against this burning desperation flowing through me. “I need you to know, I need you to see that now I am the man who you wanted me to be before. I am clean, I am strong, I am so in love with you and I will never do anything to make you think or feel otherwise.”
I remain kneeling at her feet, humbling myself, silently begging for her forgiveness. I should probably audibly ask for her forgiveness.
“Can you forgive me?”
That damn wall she so solidly had built around her when we first met is well and truly up again and I can’t decide what she’s feeling. Her facial expression is completely neutral, her eyes now dry. Her hands are still cold in mine, but even now they’re beginning to warm.
Her eyes stay on mine, and after what seems like hours of silence between us she finally moves; she takes her hands back away from mine. “I’m not sure,” she says.
I have to physically stop myself from standing up and yelling out in relief, because ‘I’m not sure’ is not a ‘no’. And I know with time, I can show her I am the man she needs me to be.
I thought she might change her mind and stay the night in our suite, but she’s packed a few things and went up to Gavin’s room as soon as I got back tonight. I can rest a little easier knowing she’s with Gavin. She’ll talk things out with him and I know he’ll have my back. He’ll be able to tell her what she needs to hear.
I pick up my phone and type out a text to Gavin. ‘Is she okay?’
His reply comes through minutes later. ‘She was upset but she’s sleeping now. You did the right thing by telling her.’
I hate that Gavin gets to sleep in the same room as her. ‘You’re not sleeping in the bed with her, are you?’
‘There is no way I’m sleeping on the couch. Deal with it Greene!’
I laugh to myself as I type out my response. ‘I’m gonna tell Jasmine, she’ll have your balls.’
His reply makes me laugh harder. ‘She already has my balls. She’s had them for years.’
There’s so much truth to that statement that I can’t even think of a comeback. I put my phone down and fall onto my bed. I need to sleep. Tomorrow we fly to Brisbane before a hectic day of publicity and I’m gonna need to be on my toes after what happened tonight.
*****
Finally!! It’s been three days and just now, this very second, she made eye contact with me. It’s the first time since I confessed to her that she’s acknowledged my existence.
This has been our routine for the past three days.
She comes to the suite thirty seconds before she knows I have to leave. She brings Gavin with her to act as a buffer and she completely ignores me while she tends to Mikey. If Mikey and I are playing together when she arrives, she goes to her room. Or what would be her room if she were actually staying in our suites. She’s still staying with Gavin in his rooms. It is killing me knowing that he gets to sleep next to her. I even sunk so low as to call Jasmine and tell her but Gavin had already told her what had happened and I got an ear bashing for being a stupid, drunken, drug-addicted git. (Her words, not mine.)
As soon as I return to the suites, Lyndsay leaves.
She doesn’t look at me and she doesn’t speak to me, despite my repeated attempts to ask her how her day was.
Gavin keeps telling me to give her time. My only concern is that I’m running out of time. If we get back to Melbourne and she’s still not talking to me, I’m afraid I’ll never see her again.
We’re in Darwin. Mikey, the little genius, has just asked Lyndsay to stay for one more minute to finish the origami zoo she’s created.
That’s when she looked at me. She sent me a clear message from those beautiful green eyes of hers that I’m not to speak to her. That cold look from her told me everything I need to know. She’s still pissed.
But that icy look was still a look and I’m taking it as a good sign.
Lyndsay finishes folding the horse and holds it out to Mikey. “There you go, all done.” She stands up but Mikey quickly grabs onto her arm.
“No Lyndsay, we have to colour it in. We have to put black stripes on it, or it will just look like a horse. It’s supposed to be a zebra.”
“You can colour it in yourself, Mikey. Or maybe your dad can help you.”
Woo hoo!! Two points to me. Now she’s referring to me, albeit a very generic reference, but a reference none-the-less.
Mikey slowly releases her hand and looks down. “Don’t you love us anymore, Lyndsay?”
I know that Lyndsay’s heart just broke, because mine absolutely shattered.
Lyndsay kneels down beside Mikey at the table and looks up at him. “Of course I love you, Mikey. Why do you think I don’t love you?”
“Because you never stay to play anymore. You always go away when Daddy is here.”
“I do that because it’s really important for you and Daddy to have time alone together. You’re family.”
“You’re family too, Lyndsay,” Mikey says and I see Lyndsay’s heart break just a little bit more along with her resolve. “Dad and I do lots of stuff together all the time. I want us to play all together again. You make Daddy laugh lots.”
Lyndsay smiles and her eyes quickly dart to mine. “Do I?” she asks.
“Yeah, Daddy really likes you.”
“Does he?”
“Yeah. Do you like Daddy too?”
Lyndsay’s breath falters before she answers. “Yes, I like your dad too.”
I never thought it possible but I just fell a little bit more in love with Mikey.
“Good,” he says, smiling and getting off his chair. “You can stay. And we can have pizza for dinner and watch a movie and then you can make Dad laugh and then he doesn’t have to be sad ever ever again.”
Lyndsay has my full attention as I wait to hear what her response will be. She slowly stands up and looks at me.
That’s four points for me now. Not only has she admitted that she likes me, I know she’s about to spend the evening with me. Surely that’s worth double points.
“Okay, I’ll stay.”
I look at Mikey and he blinks at me. (I’m fairly sure he meant to wink.). Who needs a wingman when you’ve got a Mikey?
“Dad, guess what?” Mikey says as he approaches me. “Lyndsay and I have the same scars on our tummies. Isn’t that cool?” He retrieves his black pencil from the far end of the table and goes back to his seat. “Lyndsay showed me her scar today. Hers is way bigger than mine and she was very brave and didn’t even cry when they took out her cancer.” Mikey starts to add stripes to the origami zebra. “Are you going to have things cut out of your body too, Dad? Then we can all have the same scar.”
I look up at Lyndsay but she is looking down, folding another animal. It looks like it may be a giraffe going by the length of the neck.
“Maybe you could have your tummy cut out so that you don’t get your bad tummy pain anymore,” Mikey says.
That gets Lyndsay’s attention. She looks up at Mikey and then me. I know exactly what she’s thinking and I nod my head. Mikey has seen me during a withdrawal episode on more than one occasion. He usually runs to get Gavin or Jasmine, but if they’re not home, Mikey sits next to me and cries. It terrifies me that he sees me like that, but sometimes they hit me so quickly, I can’t hide from him.
Lyndsay smiles a small smile at me and goes back to folding her giraffe.
That’s five points to me.
Mikey has fallen asleep on the couch between Lyndsay and I. His head is on my lap and his feet are on Lyndsay. We’re watching ‘Finding Nemo’ and Nemo is just about to be reunited with his dad.
“I don’t know where I’d be without Mikey,” I say. “If I lost him...you’d never recover from that, would you?”
“No you wouldn’t.” They’re the first words she’s spoken directly to me in three days.
We sit in silence for a few more minutes. I’m about to make a stupid comment about how Dory reminds me of Paul when he’s been drinking when Lyndsay speaks.
“Gavin explained to me what it’s like to have a dependency.”
I wasn’t expecting her to say that and as I don’t have anything to say in reply I remain quiet in the hope that she’ll continue.
“He said it’s an illness. At first it’s a choice, but then it becomes a disease and there is no cure for it except for pure willpower.” Her eyes stay ahead while she’s talking; she’s looking at the TV but I know she’s not actually seeing what’s playing out on the screen.
“He said that he’s never seen anyone battle an illness the way you have in the past year.” Her lips tremble as she speaks and her eyes fill with tears. “And he said that your battle could go on for years to come.” Her tears spill over and she sniffs. “I have to remind myself that I’m still battling an illness too. My body is clear of cancer for the moment, but at anytime, the cancer could come back. Anywhere. At any time. That scares me Mike.” She wipes her cheeks. “How do you know that your illness isn’t going to come back?”
I wait a moment to see if she’ll look at me, but her eyes stay firmly fixed ahead. “I don’t know that it won’t come back Lyndsay. But like cancer, there are things we can do to increase our chances of succeeding.”
She nods her head and I continue. “For me, my chances are increased when I surround myself with people who love me and who I love in return. I avoid negative influences. And I work hard to keep my mind strong because with mental strength comes physical strength and an increased physical strength brings increased mental strength.”
Lyndsay reaches out and takes my hand in hers. “I couldn’t bear to see you fall victim to your illness again Mike. And I’m so scared it will happen.”
“Lyndsay, all I can do is make a solemn promise to you that it won’t happen. And, if like your cancer, it does come back, we will fight it together.”
“I’m not strong enough for that Mike.” She stands up abruptly, Mikey flinching as his legs rise and fall. “I couldn’t go through that again.”
“Why do you think you’re not strong enough?” I ask.
“Because there are only so many times a heart can break before it stops beating.” She quickly walks away and locks herself in her bedroom.
Her last comment sticks with me. She loves me, I’m certain of that. Now I have to convince her that her heart is safe with me. I’m just not entirely sure how to do that.
I look down at Mikey sleeping soundly. I bet he’d know what to do. I lift him up from my lap and carry him to his bed. I tuck him in and as I do an idea comes to me. It’s cruel, some may even consider it abuse. But I’m a desperate man and I know once I explain everything to Mikey he’ll be on board to help me out. I smile as I kiss his forehead and whisper ‘goodnight’ to him. If my words alone aren’t enough to convince Lyndsay she’s safe, then maybe Mikey can do it with me.
*****
I’ve just finished explaining my evil plan to Mikey. He thinks it’s a great idea and he can’t wait to see Lyndsay’s face when we deliver the surprise to her. I’ve said we’ll start practicing for it tomorrow.
“What do you want for dinner tonight?” I’ve barely asked Mikey the question when I hear a heart wrenching scream. I drop my guitar to the floor and run out to the living area of our suite. Lyndsay is standing in the middle of the room, her phone in her hand and there are tears streaming down her face.
“Lyndsay,” I say as I rush toward her and pull her into my arms. “What’s wrong? Please tell me.”
She can’t speak, she’s crying too hysterically for that. I reach around behind me where her phone is still in her hands and look at the screen. She’s still on a call; a call to Kyle.
“Kyle,” I breathe down the phone. “What’s going on?”
“Garry was found dead on the prison grounds this morning,” he says to me. His own voice is tense and it takes me a minute to understand what he’s just told me. “He was beaten to death with a metal pole,” Kyle adds.
Lyndsay continues to sob against my chest as I hold her with my one arm.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll call you back as soon as I can.” My main concern at the moment is to console Lyndsay, although I’m not entirely sure why she’s so upset. This man abused her in the worse way possible. I would’ve thought she’d be glad he was dead.
But Lyndsay’s not like me. That’s why I love her so much.
Using Lyndsay’s phone, I call Gavin.
“What’s he done this time?” Gavin says.
“I haven’t done anything. Get to my room now.” I end the call and wrap my arm back around Lyndsay.
“Dad, why is Lyndsay crying?” Mikey asks.
“I’m not sure buddy.”
Lyndsay’s legs buckle underneath her but I manage to gather her into my arms before she falls.
“Hey Mikey, Gav is coming to play with you for a while. Can you open the door when he gets here?”
“Are you going to make Lyndsay happy, Dad?” he asks.
“I’m going to try, mate.” I carry Lyndsay into her bedroom and lay her down on her bed. I don’t know whether or not I should, but I lie down beside her and pull her in to me. I lay on my side, with Lyndsay wrapped in my arms and I softly kiss the top of her head. I’m not going to even ask her to talk. She’s beyond being able to talk. Her cries don’t seem to be getting any softer. So I’ll lie here with her, holding her, until she’s ready to talk.
Movement in the corner of my eyes gets my attention and when I turn my head, Gavin is standing in the doorway to the room.
“What happened?” he asks.
“Garry was beaten to death,” I say. When I say the words, Lyndsay cries out again and her hands become fists and press against my chest.
“Garry was her step-dad, right?” Gavin asks.
I nod my head.
“Okay, what do you need me to do?”
“Can you look after Mikey for me? He needs dinner and then to get ready for bed.”
“No worries.” Gavin says and he shuts the door behind him.
Lyndsay has fallen asleep. Her breathing came in shudders right up until she yielded to sleep. My T-shirt and her pillow are damp from her tears. Her scarf has come askew so I pull it from her head completely. The sight of her fluffy growth makes me smile and I run my fingers through it. She moans and nuzzles further into my chest.
As much as I would love to lie here all night with her, I can’t. I’m starving hungry, I’m bustin’ to pee and I have to call Kyle back. With the time difference, it’ll be getting late for him. I want to catch him before he goes to bed, that’s if he’s in any frame of mind for sleep.
I slide my arm out from under Lyndsay and move off the bed. I wrap the blankets around her as best I can and kiss her softly before I head out. I leave the bedroom door open.
“Is she okay?” Gavin asks when I walk into the living area.
“She’s sleeping,” I answer.
Mikey has fallen asleep on the couch.
“He didn’t want to go to bed without saying goodnight to you,” Gavin says. “He was upset that Lyndsay was crying.”
“Did you tell him what happened?”
“I told him that Lyndsay was upset because someone she knows died.” Gavin knows as well as I do that Mikey knows what death is. He’s experienced firsthand how it feels when someone close to you dies.
“Cool,” I say and lift Mikey into my arms.
He stirs against me and opens his eyes briefly. “Is Lyndsay happy now?” he asks.
“She’s asleep. But I think she’ll feel better when she wakes up.”
“Hmm,” Mikey moans and his eyes close again.
Gavin ordered enough dinner for me and as I heat it up in the microwave I ask him another favour. “Could you stay the night, just in case? I don’t know how Lyndsay’s gonna be when she wakes up?”
“No worries, I’ll sleep in with Lyndsay.”
“Pigs arse you will.” I pull my chicken parmagiana from the microwave. It looks disgusting and I reckon it won’t taste much better. But I’m so hungry right now, I’ll eat just about anything. I cut a piece of chicken and put it into my mouth. Yeah, this is disgusting.
Kyle filled me in on what he could. Garry had been found by a guard in the showers early in the morning. He’d been beaten with a piece of metal pipe, most likely plumbing from the bathroom. There was going to be a full investigation and he’d know more details in the following days. I asked him to call or text me with any updates; I didn’t want Lyndsay to have to go through the same trauma every time Kyle phoned in.
Now I’m lying awake next to Lyndsay, listening to her soft breathing. She’s still curled up in a ball, just how she was when I left her. I’ve taken the spare blanket from the cupboard and put that over me. Things between us might be a little less tense now but the last thing I need to do is to make her feel pressured by sleeping under the covers with her.
My eyes are beginning to feel heavy. It’s been a busy day and there is no way I’m going to be able to fight this fatigue. I roll onto my side, so I’m facing Lyndsay and let my body relax completely.
“Mike.” I hear a quiet whisper. I’m on the cusp of sleep and I’m not sure if I’m hearing things or if someone is trying to wake me up.