Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘No, child, it’s perfectly normal.’ She rubbed the back of my hand the way I vaguely remembered my mother used to.

  ‘Anyway, in all this madness I think I’ve learned that the only thing that really matters is the bond between us. When I saw him as I was getting off the train this weekend, looking so like her and straining to catch a glimpse of me, my heart did a sort of flip.’ I smiled at her. ‘And I want so much to take care of him, wrap him up and protect him from everything bad in the world. Does that make sense?’

  ‘Yes, and do you know something?’

  ‘What?’ I asked her.

  ‘I think he’ll take care of you too.’ I could see she was near to tears. ‘In fact I’m certain of it.’

  ‘My father left money . . . a lot of money, for a grandchild – a male grandchild, surprise surprise.’ We’d skirted the issue a few times on the phone and I knew she must be wondering, but she’d never pushed it with me. ‘It came through on the day of Alison’s death.’ I waited for a reaction, but none came. It wasn’t her style to judge.

  ‘I knew that something had happened, from what you told me’ was all she said. Neither of us spoke then.

  ‘I’m so glad you’ll be looked after,’ she said eventually, breaking the silence.

  ‘Milly, why did he push us away all the time? I hated him for all those years after Mum died. If it hadn’t been for you . . .’ I trailed off, determined not to cry. I had been so weepy these past few days, I was afraid that if I started I’d never stop.

  ‘It was all he knew, love. His own life was terribly strict. He always felt your mother spoilt the two of you, and most people fussed over you because you were twins.’

  ‘But we were so small when Mum died and he was so cold . . .’ I didn’t want anyone taking his part, especially not her. ‘Because of him, I’m suspicious of all men. Most of them give me the creeps.’

  ‘I just wish I could have done more for you. I should have made him listen to reason . . .’ Now it was her turn to look upset. ‘I tried, love, but with Mother and Father . . .’

  ‘I know you did.’ I went over to her. ‘We’d have been much worse off if it hadn’t been for you.’

  ‘He never . . . hit you or anything, did he?’ I saw the worry in her face.

  ‘No,’ I told her. ‘He just ignored us mostly. Made us be quiet, sent us to our rooms all the time. And packed us off to boarding school as soon as he could.’

  ‘Well, I thanked God for that at the time. It meant I got to see you a bit more. I was always afraid for the two of you, just in case there was any violence at home, although I didn’t think so. He was very wrong to treat you as he did, but I didn’t think he had any brutality in him.’

  ‘No,’ I said quietly. ‘But he scarred us for life anyway, that’s for sure. Now, will I let the dog out for a last run before bed?’ I needed to lighten the moment. ‘I think Charlie’s been giving him Coca-Cola to drink, so he might need to chew on some grass or whatever it is they do when they feel sick.’

  As we headed back to catch the train on Sunday, I broached the subject of taking Charlie back to Dublin.

  ‘Why don’t you wait and see what your plans are for the salon first?’ Milly suggested.

  ‘I feel guilty leaving him with you for so long. Besides, as you rightly said last night, we’ll take care of each other.’ I watched him waving at people on the buses. ‘I have no one else.’

  ‘You have me.’

  ‘Of course I do.’ I could have kicked myself for being so insensitive. I put my hand over hers as she drove, by way of an apology. ‘What I mean is that he’s all I have of her and that makes him very precious indeed.’

  ‘I know, love, but give yourself time. I’m fine, I really enjoy having him so don’t worry on that score. He’s here, safe and sound for you.’ She patted my arm. ‘He adores you, you know. Talks about you all the time.’

  ‘Thanks.’ The waterworks were threatening again and I quickly rubbed my eyes.

  ‘I’m so glad he’s yours now.’ She smiled sadly.

  ‘So am I,’ I told her. ‘And nobody’s going to take him away from me, ever.’

  19

  DAVE

  DAVE WAS GIVING it his all in the shower, humming about getting his rocks off. He was strutting around his tiny – one metre square to be exact – stage. The performance was tuneless but supremely confident. He was in excellent form and the reason was simple. He expected to be getting his Nat (King Cole) again in Wicklow any day soon and he was as excited as a schoolboy watching the Miss World bathing-costume section. OK, it was his first real meeting with Lily this evening and all she was offering was coffee, but Dave was nothing if not an optimist.

  At eight o’clock he cupped his hand to his mouth then blew and sniffed, just to give a final check to his breath as he rang the bell of the flat over the salon. Looking down, he decided to close one of his shirt buttons. He didn’t want to seem like he was trying too hard to impress her.

  When the buzzer went he gave what he hoped was a breezy ‘Dave here’ and was smiling broadly as he got to the top of the stairs.

  ‘Hello.’ She opened the front door just as he put out his hand to ring the bell and he almost pressed her nipple.

  Embarrassing, but the lads would love it, not that he’d be admitting it had happened to him. He’d really have to be careful, though. Sometimes, with a couple of pints on board, he couldn’t resist the temptation to gloat a bit about his love life.

  ‘Oh, I . . . eh, hi, how are ye?’ His voice had developed a new high pitch all of its own, making him sound like a Corkonian instead of the true Dub that he was.

  ‘I’m very well, Dave, and how are you?’ She appeared to lean towards him slightly, so he went straight in for a peck on the cheek. He thought she looked taken aback, but she recovered quickly and smiled brightly at him.

  ‘Great, thanks,’ he said in an ultra-cheery voice. ‘That’s a cold night out there, balls off brass monkeys an’ all, what?’ He handed her an ice-cold bottle with a foil top.

  ‘Champers,’ he said unnecessarily. ‘Mo-et, actually. Chilled an’ ready.’

  ‘Oh, thank you.’ She seemed embarrassed then. ‘Actually, I’d just made some coffee, but perhaps you’d like something stronger?’

  ‘JD and Coke if you have any?’ Dave looked at her admiringly. She was a corker, that was for sure. If he played his cards right he’d be on to a winner in no time, he could feel it in his waters. ‘The bubbles are for you. Alison always loved a glass or two . . .’ He trailed off, a bit uncertain, but she seemed relaxed enough so he ploughed on. ‘Always got her . . . eh, helped her unwind . . . after a hard day, like.’ He’d been going to say ‘in the mood’, but thought better of it, ditto with the broad wink he’d been about to give her. He quickly pretended to have something in his eye.

  ‘So, how have you been keeping?’ he asked as he flicked away an imaginary speck of dust. He thought he smelt food; must be that chipper next door.

  ‘Fine, thanks. Busy.’ She poured a generous measure of Jack Daniel’s into a tumbler and added ice without asking. Dave watched her and thought she looked very fragile.

  ‘I’ll leave you to dilute it to your own taste.’ She smiled as she passed him the Coke. He noticed the lamps were on and there was stuff strewn around, not like when Alison was here. It looked as if she hadn’t made any special effort, he thought, a bit disappointed. The cushions weren’t arranged and the flowers were messy, yet it all worked. Shame about the shite orchestral noise in the background, though. Must be that James Last guy. Dave hated instrumental music with a passion, despite Marie’s best efforts. His wife was big into Richard Clayderman – had been for years. Dave himself preferred Tony Christie or Tom Jones. He added a splash of Coke to his drink and took a big gulp. ‘Aaah, that’s better. Do you mind if I smoke?’

  ‘No,’ she said but he sensed she did. Dave needed a fag badly otherwise he wouldn’t have suggested it. Lily was looking around, uncertain where to find an ashtr
ay.

  ‘Don’t move,’ he ordered. ‘You just relax. I know where she kept them.’ He headed towards a cupboard. ‘If that’s OK?’ He stopped and turned to check with her. ‘I can stand over here by the window if you like?’

  ‘No, please, make yourself at home.’ She waved her free hand in the air and watched him. He noticed that she sat on the edge of the couch and crossed her long legs, so he decided to take things a step further. This was all progressing nicely.

  ‘Thanks. In that case,’ he lifted out an ashtray and placed it on the table, ‘I’ll just change the music.’ He grinned at her, then saw that she looked uncomfortable. ‘Not exactly my cup of tea,’ he offered by way of explanation. ‘What is it, anyway?’ He was rooting around in another cupboard.

  ‘Handel.’ She sipped her coffee and Dave knew he shouldn’t have been so forward. He wanted her so badly, and the last thing he needed was to be thrown out on his ear.

  ‘Well, the only handles I know are luuuv handles and I ain’t got none of those.’ He pivoted around and decided to back off bigtime and concentrate on getting to know her better. In typical Dave fashion, he tried to lighten things by making her smile. ‘I’m a bit of a John Travolta fan myself.’ He found what he was looking for and treated her to one of his moves on the way to the stereo. He liked the way she laughed. Women generally responded when he did his impersonations and Dave had enough self-confidence not to mind making a fool of himself. ‘Or maybe Patrick Swayze.’ He held his arm out in front of him and circled his finger in a twirl with an imaginary partner. ‘I was good in me day, I’ll have you know,’ he told her as he bowed. He liked flirting with her. ‘And I can still give those Westlife guys a run for their money when I do me karaoke in the club.’ He winked at her.

  The funny-guy routine worked, because her smile was instantly more relaxed. ‘I’ve no doubt about it, in fact I’d say you can still turn a few heads on the dance floor.’

  ‘Yep, I’m well fit.’ He sauntered towards her, thinking that now might be the perfect time to tell her about him and Alison. It was only then that he noticed a table set for dinner.

  ‘What’s this?’ he asked, disconcerted.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I should have explained.’ She walked over and smoothed an imaginary crease from the snow-white cloth. ‘I’d nowhere else to put it, there’s so little space here’ – she played with her hair and it drove him mad – ‘and my sister didn’t really cook much.’ She blushed. ‘I’m making supper for us. I’m a chef. . . that’s my job.’

  ‘I see.’ He didn’t.

  ‘I hope that’s OK? You are hungry?’

  ‘Oh yeah, absolutely,’ he lied.

  ‘It seemed like the best way to thank you for all your kindness, coming to the funeral, ringing to enquire how I was getting on.’ Her smile was a bit childlike and he felt a rumble in the jungle. Jaysus, Dave thought, I was hoping more for dessert.

  ‘Great.’ He gulped down his drink.

  ‘Please, sit down, it’s all ready.’ She led the way to the table. ‘It’s mostly cold, anyway. I wanted to give us time to talk.’

  ‘Great’ seemed all he was capable of saying.

  ‘Do you like eel?’

  ‘Slippery little suckers, but yeah . . . great,’ he repeated, cursing his stupidity for not noticing what she’d planned.

  She laughed, took his glass from him and returned a few moments later with platters of food, most of which he’d never seen before.

  ‘So, tell me,’ Lily said as she served him a little of everything. ‘How did you meet my sister?’

  He was very nervous at first so he skirted round the details. She seemed content to let him talk.

  ‘And are you married, Dave?’ She slipped it in while refilling his glass for the second time.

  ‘Oh, eh, well, I am and I amn’t.’ He choked. ‘My wife and I, well, we sort of have an arrangement, like.’ He gave Lily a knowing look but she said nothing.

  ‘Yeah, she does her stuff and I do mine, you know, that class of thing?’

  ‘And children?’ she enquired.

  Dave was happy to tell her all about them and she seemed interested.

  ‘Light of my life, the twins,’ he finished as he mopped up with bread.

  ‘It’s a special bond,’ she told him softly, but it went over his head.

  ‘Great girls, great girls, sure they have me wrapped round their little fingers.’

  ‘So, you and your wife, you lead . . . separate lives, as it were?’

  ‘Oh totally, yeah. Absolutely. Own rooms and all that, you know how it is.’

  ‘No, actually. I’m sorry but I don’t,’ she said and it sounded innocent.

  ‘Well, to tell you the truth, it’s bloody lonely at times.’ The drink had loosened his tongue. ‘My missus, she sort of went off that side of it, like, after the kids were born. Don’t get me wrong now, I idolize her, it’s just that she made it clear, well, you know . . .’

  ‘That must be hard on you?’

  ‘It is, yeah.’ He sensed she knew exactly how he was feeling so he shovelled it on, hoping for the sympathy vote. As he talked he realized that he really resented Marie sometimes, for not wanting him that way. It was hard on a man’s ego, he told Lily, although not in those words exactly.

  Dave noticed she asked a lot of questions about him and Alison, but luckily he had his story ready. He’d rehearsed a couple of scenarios on the way down in the car, just in case. As they talked Dave knew she didn’t have a clue about her sister’s life. He tried to hide his disappointment as he realized it might take a while to get her into the sack.

  Still, maybe this is the way in, he thought happily, as he pretended the eel was delicious. He relaxed after a while. What the hell, he could wait for it.

  20

  WILLIAM

  WICKLOW TOWN WAS buzzing when he asked his driver to drop him outside the courthouse and wait. William was glad he’d rung and suggested they meet and slightly surprised that Lily had immediately invited him here, to the apartment. She intrigued him and William was keen to know more. He stepped out of the shiny black Mercedes and adjusted his jacket. Unusually for him, he was out to impress.

  Two hoodies ambled by with their fists dug into brown paper bags and he could almost taste the fat and the vinegar. A couple of smokers outside Ernie’s pub nodded to him as he passed and he inhaled their fumes without asking, which annoyed him slightly, though not for long.

  ‘Hi there,’ Lily greeted him. ‘You made it.’ He’d telephoned her earlier to say he was running slightly late because of a problem with an MRI scan. ‘So, you survived the madness?’ she said casually. ‘You mentioned that it had all gone pear-shaped?’

  ‘That’s not quite how I put it,’ he laughed, ‘although we had a few problems early on with some test results.’ He loved talking about his work. ‘And then it just seemed to get worse as the day progressed. Sorry about that.’ He smiled, taking in her fitted white blouse and short grey pinafore. He didn’t tell her that nothing could have put him in a bad mood today. He’d been on top of his game and enjoyed the surge of adrenalin that coursed through his veins when he felt untouchable.

  ‘You look lovely, may I say,’ he told her and saw that she looked a bit uncomfortable. ‘You are so like your sister,’ he added for good measure, but didn’t include the words ‘younger and fresher and deliciously alluring’, which was what he was thinking.

  ‘Thank you.’ She blushed and he loved it. ‘Make yourself at home, please.’ She disappeared into the kitchen and William glanced around the apartment as he shrugged off his overcoat. There was a new scent in the room and the lighting appeared warmer and a bowl teeming with what looked like overblown roses lent the place an air of opulence. He savoured the gentle piano sound of Rachmaninov for a moment, enjoying the atmosphere of tranquillity. It seemed very seductive, William thought, and wondered if that had been her intention.

  ‘Sorry, I was trying out some new lamps.’ Lily returned and switched on the main
light, putting paid to his theory. ‘I’ve been looking at lighting – for the café I’m thinking of turning this place into,’ she said when he raised an eyebrow. ‘Although that’s still a bit of a question mark at the moment so I won’t bore you with the details.’ She had a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other. The wine was not one of his favourites – which Alison had kept a stock of for his visits. ‘Drink?’ she asked.

  ‘Thank you, that would be lovely. Here, let me do that.’ He took the bottle and corkscrew out of her hand without waiting for a reply. William wanted to look after her although he sensed she didn’t need it. From what he’d seen of her so far, she was very different to her sister.

  ‘I can open wine, you know. I use it a lot.’ She grinned and he felt old-fashioned and didn’t like it.

  ‘My apologies.’ He handed it back.

  ‘Cheers, what is it?’ William asked when she handed him a half-full glass moments later. He twirled the stem and sniffed appreciatively.

  ‘Guess.’ Her grin was cheeky as she turned away and switched off the music. ‘I’ll bet you’re an expert.’ He liked her slightly bold approach. Alison had always been more circumspect, he remembered. Most people were where he was concerned. It excited him that this girl didn’t seem to care what he thought about her. She fiddled with her hair, a long plait that had swished around her shoulder as she turned back towards him.

  ‘No idea, but ten out of ten.’ He grinned, playing along. ‘It’s cold and wet and that’s all I need this evening,’ he said truthfully.

  ‘Phew, that’s a relief,’ she said flippantly. ‘Food’s my thing, as I said, and while I do know a good bit about wine I’m not an expert.’

  ‘Speaking of food, I wondered if you’d like to have dinner with me? I booked us a table, but I can easily cancel if you have other plans?’

  ‘Eh, that would be nice.’ He knew she was surprised – that had been his intention. ‘Although if you’d prefer, I did get some bits and pieces in, just in case you were famished and only had an hour to spare?’