Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Look, if Martin Henderson, timid, shy Martin who wouldn’t say boo to a goose, is having an affair, I’ll buy you a diamond bracelet for Christmas, how’s that?’ He made a face at her and she smiled at him for the first time all evening. ‘Now, will you relax, you’re all tense.’ He got up and went round to her side of the table. ‘How about a massage later?’

  ‘Good idea.’

  He picked up both their plates and headed for the sink. ‘I mean, he doesn’t even look the type.’ He tried to sound casual, all the while wondering if he could get to Cork immediately after Christmas and surprise Lily. He assumed that’s where she was going. He just hoped she wasn’t off somewhere with that Kevin guy, since Beth had said she was going away. Cork, barely three hours from Dublin, could hardly be called ‘going away’.

  ‘Well, if it is true Shirley will kill him. She’ll never forgive him.’ Beth looked positively livid, which was unlike her. He wished now he hadn’t brought up the subject again.

  ‘What’s for pudding?’ He opened the fridge.

  ‘I wouldn’t either, if I were in her shoes,’ his wife muttered, ignoring his question. ‘In fact, if you ever did it on me, I’d disconnect your balls with a pair of pliers.’

  40

  JAMES AND TAMSIN

  ‘ANY NEWS?’ TAMSIN was at the door as soon as she heard his key turn.

  ‘No, nothing.’ James tried to keep it light. ‘We just have to be patient, love.’ What he didn’t say was that he’d been thinking about it non-stop, wondering if they had, in fact, done the right thing. When his wife had initially suggested that they meet Lily together he’d been completely opposed to the idea, couldn’t even get his head around it for ages. But as usual she’d persisted, assuring him that if Lily saw them as the loving couple they were, she just might be tempted to agree to what he had at first considered to be an outrageous idea. Put simply, Tamsin wanted to adopt – or at least share custody of – the child she was sure belonged to him. Mad, James thought, but so mad it just might work, he had eventually privately conceded.

  ‘It’s hard. I alternate between being seriously nervous and desperately excited.’ She followed him into the kitchen.

  ‘I’m the same. It was all I could think about on my run this morning.’ James went straight for a fizzy drink.

  ‘I’m not buying that stuff any more.’ Tamsin indicated the bottle. ‘Fizzy drinks were number one on Gillian McKeith’s top twenty baddies the other night.’

  ‘Listen, we don’t smoke, you’ll barely let me touch alcohol and we’re forever juicing and eating our greens. Leave me something bad, for God’s sake, woman.’ James slapped her on the bottom as he passed.

  ‘Remember, if we’re going to be parents we’ll need all our energy.’ She wagged her finger at him.

  ‘Please God,’ he said quietly. ‘But Tamsin, we don’t even know if the child is mine.’

  ‘I don’t care.’ She had an odd look on her face that he’d seen before. ‘I want him, James, regardless. I really, really want a baby.’

  ‘I know you do.’

  ‘And you’ve come round to the idea, haven’t you?’ Tamsin seemed to relax. She rubbed his back and he wriggled with pleasure, like a dog having his belly stroked.

  James nodded. ‘Yes, I have.’ He turned and grabbed her in a bear hug. ‘You’ve convinced me.’ He planted a kiss on her head.

  ‘She likes us too, doesn’t she?’

  ‘Definitely. It was worth meeting her together, you were right to make me do it.’ He sighed. ‘Even though it felt wrong, at first.’ James knew he had to be careful. She was still very sensitive about the whole Alison episode.

  ‘I know it did, but it had to be done. It’s just, my instincts are that she might be struggling with the idea of caring for him full time. She didn’t say it but . . . why else would he still be in Cork?’ Tamsin sighed. ‘What we’re offering provides her with the perfect solution.’

  ‘Tamsin, she adores that child, it was written all over her face,’ James said quietly.

  ‘And as you told her, she can see him whenever she likes,’ his wife continued, ignoring his remark.

  James pulled out a chair after popping some toast in the machine. He needed carbs after the run. ‘Are you having tea?’

  ‘Yes, please. James, did I make it clear that she could have him for holidays, or any time really? That we just wanted to have him live with us some of the time?’

  ‘Yes.’ James smiled tiredly. ‘Relax.’

  ‘And Christmas, did I mention Christmas?’

  He nodded again. ‘Tamsin, you’re a psychologist, you used every trick in the book.’ He heard the pop and went to get the toast. ‘All we can do now is wait.’

  ‘James, I’m not . . . I mean . . . I wasn’t trying to trick her or anything. She won’t think that, will she?’

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant and you know it.’ He buttered the toast and made two pots of tea, one herbal and the other regular. Then they sat at the table in the streamlined, immaculate kitchen and went over it all again.

  ‘You know, I want this little boy so much it scares me,’ she told him. ‘I wish we had a picture, even.’

  ‘I know, I know.’ He sighed. ‘So do I. But Tamsin,’ he took her hand in his, ‘we can’t get our hopes up too high, just in case.’

  ‘I realize that.’ But she seemed to shrug off the notion. ‘I’m trying not to, honestly.’ She was lost in thought for a moment. ‘But,’ her face broke into a grin, ‘can we go into town and have a look for things, just in case?’

  ‘What sort of things?’ He was trying desperately to hold back.

  ‘For him, you know, for his room?’ She saw his face. ‘Not buy anything,’ she said quickly. ‘Just look, please?’

  ‘Darling, let’s wait a while longer. Just till we hear something concrete . . .’

  ‘Yes, you’re right.’ She smiled at him. ‘As usual.’

  ‘We could go to an early movie, in Stillorgan?’

  ‘OK, but there’s that lovely children’s shop in the centre. Maybe just a quick look around while we’re parking . . .?’

  ‘Tamsin—’

  ‘Please.’ She kissed him. ‘Not to buy anything, remember?’

  James knew when he was beaten. He drained his cup. ‘Let me shower and change. And I need to do one or two bits around the place first. I’ve been neglecting things recently. Say we leave here about two? That should give us plenty of time. Oh, and go check the movie times on Aertel and decide which one you want to see.’

  ‘Will do. And thanks.’ She put her head on his shoulder. ‘Thanks for understanding.’

  ‘I want this child as much as you do, just remember that. And I pray every day that it happens.’

  ‘Me too. I went to mass this morning.’ She gathered up their stuff. ‘Oh James, we’re so close to having it all.’ She sighed. ‘I promised that I’d never ask for anything ever again if this happens. When do you think she’ll call?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. But I hope it’s soon.’

  ‘Leave your phone on silent during the movie, just in case.’

  ‘Tamsin, we can’t let this take over our lives. Anyway, she’ll probably text.’

  ‘Whatever you say, husband. You’re the boss.’

  ‘And don’t you forget it,’ James told her with a grin.

  They had a very pleasant day, cleaning out the spare room ‘just in case’ and pottering in the shops as if they were already parents. He had to stop Tamsin buying cute little wellington boots and when they looked in the furniture store she went straight to the stuff for kids’ bedrooms. They discussed paint colours and the best schools and had coffee and chocolate cake and generally behaved as if they already had him.

  An hour into the movie his phone vibrated. He saw it was Lily. He excused himself and went outside to the car park. After he’d spoken to her James stayed where he was for a long while. It was one of the few times he wished he was a smoker. Standing leaning against the wall, he noticed
a woman opposite take a long drag on a fag and visibly relax. James needed something himself right now. When he turned around to go back in he saw his wife standing at the door to the cinema.

  ‘What is it?’ She came towards him. ‘James, tell me, please?’

  He led her to a graffiti-covered bench at the edge of a green area beside the lower car park.

  ‘Tamsin, darling, you have to be brave . . .’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That was Lily. She’s found out some information, from her lawyer.’ There was no easy way to break the news. ‘It’s not going to work out . . .’

  ‘How do you mean?’ She looked terrified.

  ‘I’m not Char— the baby’s father.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter.’ She jumped up. ‘James, ring her back. Tell her we don’t care, we still want him. We’ll do anything . . .’ Her eyes had that wild look in them again and he was afraid for her.

  ‘Tamsin, darling, listen to me.’ He took her by the arm. ‘She says she was . . . wrong . . . to give us false hope.’ He felt very low, having to tell her all this. ‘She said she’d die if she had to give him up . . . even the temporary separation is killing her.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘James, please don’t give up so easily. I beg you.’

  ‘Shush, Tamsin, listen to me.’ He pulled her down beside him and put his arms around her. ‘She knew from the start she’d never be able to do it, no matter what. Honestly.’ He put his finger over her lips. ‘She was upset too, but she said that the child is part of her and all she has left of her sister.’ He wished he could change it for her. ‘Darling, we were foolish to let ourselves dream . . .’

  ‘No, we can’t give up, James, we can’t.’

  ‘He’s not mine,’ James told her softly. ‘That was our only hope.’

  ‘No, we’ll do tests, it might be a mistake.’

  ‘No, her lawyer told her. When she mentioned us to him—’

  ‘She mentioned us? James, that means she was going to go through with it, don’t you see? Call her back. Ask if we can meet her. Now, tonight. James, please . . .’ She burst into tears. ‘Please, James, don’t give up,’ she kept repeating.

  ‘Come on, darling.’ He put his coat around her and led her to the car. ‘Please, don’t cry. Please.’

  ‘I want my baby’ was all she said, over and over again.

  41

  RICHARD AND DAISY

  ‘WHAT DO YOU mean, you’re going away?’ Richard asked. ‘I thought you were going to give me a hand in the café?’

  ‘Are you mad?’ Daisy laughed. ‘I need my rest. I’m getting married in less than two weeks, or had you forgotten?’ She kissed him full on the mouth.

  ‘Fat chance of that.’ Richard grimaced. ‘Where are you going, so?’ They were having a drink while waiting for Tom and Trudy. Another meeting with the best man and bridesmaid. His mate had sounded less than enthusiastic when Richard phoned him earlier.

  ‘The Canaries.’ Daisy sipped her water. She hadn’t been drinking alcohol for weeks.

  ‘What? I don’t believe it.’

  ‘Yep, but I’ll be back a couple of days beforehand, don’t worry,’ she teased.

  ‘You’ll be away for Christmas? What am I supposed to do?’

  ‘Go home to Mummy. She can’t wait to get her hands on you, she thinks you don’t eat properly.’

  ‘But Daisy, I really do need help in the café,’ he pleaded.

  ‘I couldn’t anyway. My hands and nails would suffer,’ Daisy said.

  He saw her glance at her perfectly manicured fingernails and flick away an imaginary speck of dirt from under her thumb and knew she was serious. This was all becoming a bit scary for casual, couldn’t-care-less Richard. He had a mad urge to see Lily then. He wanted to spend time with someone who didn’t mind getting their hands wet.

  Tom arrived. ‘What’s the story?’ He straddled a stool.

  ‘Drink?’ Richard asked quickly. He knew it would be a struggle to keep his mate interested for more than two minutes. A creamy pint was his only chance.

  ‘Thanks, mate. So, how’s it going, Daisy?’

  ‘She’s off to the Canaries.’

  Tom laughed. ‘You’re a scream. What for?’

  ‘A tan, what do you think?’ Daisy was rooting in her bag. ‘Now . . .’

  ‘Jesus, not another list. You sure know how to delegate.’ Tom was only half joking.

  ‘I’ve a printout for each of us. It’s a run-through of the day.’ Daisy handed them one each as Richard came back with the drinks.

  ‘She’s put times on everything, look . . .’ Tom was laughing. ‘Eleven ten, give Richard rescue remedy.’ He took a swallow. ‘What the hell is rescue remedy?’

  ‘I haven’t a clue.’ Richard looked thrown.

  ‘It’s to relax him,’ Daisy said indignantly.

  ‘Any more relaxed and he’ll be fucking comatose, eh, mate? Sorry, Daisy.’ Tom knew she hated bad language. ‘Look!’ His mouth fell open. ‘I’ve to get a new suitcase.’ He handed it to Richard, who already had a copy. ‘What do I need a suitcase for in the first place?’

  ‘You’ll be carrying stuff for me,’ Daisy told him calmly. ‘And I’ve seen that scruffy old thing you drag around with you – it’s held together with a belt. I am not having it anywhere near the castle.’

  ‘This is mad.’ Tom made a face behind her back and shot his mate a pitying look. ‘I’m outta here.’

  ‘Sit.’ Daisy pushed him back on to the stool. ‘Trudy’ll be here in a minute. Now, Tom, here’s a separate sheet with what you’ve to do while I’m away . . .’

  ‘Daisy, I’m a bloke, I don’t do lists. Besides, I’ve a radio show to present every day.’ He took another swallow. ‘I do work, you know,’ he told her, a bit miffed. ‘Anyway,’ he glanced at the list, ‘if anyone heard me ringing a florist, my reputation’d be in shreds.’ He winked at Richard.

  ‘I want a report each morning.’ Daisy tried to relax. ‘And no keeping him out late drinking every night. I want him fresh-faced and energized on the day.’ Tom nearly choked.

  ‘Listen, mate,’ he whispered as soon as Daisy had gone to the loo. ‘It’s not too late, honest.’ He grinned. ‘Just say the word and I’ll take a week’s holiday starting New Year’s Eve. We could go off to Thailand and meet a few babes.’

  ‘Don’t tempt me.’ Richard finished his drink in one.

  ‘Jesus, I wouldn’t even mind if the bridesmaid was a looker.’ Tom waved at Trudy, who was glancing around trying to spot them.

  ‘Ah, she’s OK,’ Richard sighed, ‘although I don’t suppose she’d win any beauty contests.’

  ‘Listen, mate, the only competition she’d ever win is best in breed.’

  Daisy was back and she decided to ignore their snorting. Trudy was quickly given the job of phoning each of them first thing every morning to go through the list. That’d wipe the smile off their faces.

  ‘Aw, come on, Daisy, lighten up. I’ve seen military academies with less rules and regulations,’ Tom pleaded.

  ‘Tom Dalton.’ Daisy leaned in and he decided not to tell her she reeked of garlic. ‘This is my wedding day and I will not have anyone – least of all you – spoil it.’ She smiled sweetly. ‘I’d kill you first with my bare hands.’

  42

  LILY

  BY CHRISTMAS EVE I was finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other. It really had been a rollercoaster ride. I was up at five each day, the café seemed to have absolutely no down time and as soon as we’d closed and cleaned up I was almost ready for bed, except that I had a mountain of orders to keep on top of. We were being asked to do more and more catering and my main problem was learning to say no – hard for any new business owner. We’d had at least half a dozen calls from south County Dublin yummy mummies since Beth Hammond’s party. At least I was having no trouble refusing those requests. The last thing I needed was to run into William, who was now talking about coming to
Cork over Christmas – with absolutely no encouragement from me. The man’s ego knew no bounds and, since Brian had dropped the bombshell about Kevin, I had zero interest in keeping him on side.

  All that and bills and VAT to keep track of meant I spent several hours on the computer each evening before collapsing into bed around eleven.

  I had planned to spend at least part of the days over Christmas sleeping and thinking about Kevin and Brian Daly as well as all the other complications in my life, but Aunt Milly had other ideas. ‘All the neighbours want to meet you,’ she told me excitedly during one of our nightly chats. ‘I’ve made so many new friends through Charlie. And because I have time on my hands, sure I’m now letting plumbers in and taking deliveries and returning books to libraries. It’s a whole new world,’ she said happily.

  I was too tired to argue intelligently. ‘So there’s no chance of you coming to me instead?’ I asked feebly, thinking of the journey to Cork with a mountain of packages.

  ‘Personally I’d enjoy it, love – all those sales – but I can’t do that to the little chap.’

  ‘Why not? He’d love the adventure.’

  ‘He’s so excited, you won’t know him.’ She appeared not to have heard. ‘He’s gotten so tall, too. Anyway, he has a group of little pals here and there are so many outings and parties planned for them over the few days. I can’t just uproot him and bring him to Dublin.’

  ‘But Dublin is his home, he’s lived there most of his life, all his things are in the flat . . .’ I began to feel a bit panicked that he might not want to come and live with me at all. Wicklow would mean yet another new start for him.

  ‘I know, I know, and of course he will go back there eventually, or hopefully to Wicklow if you find a house. By the way, have you put his name down for the local school yet?’ She didn’t wait for an answer. ‘He really seems to love the country, Lily. He’s got a healthy glow about him and he’s eating like a horse. And he adores going to the park every day. He’s able to feed the ducks now.’

  I felt horribly guilty once more as I wondered if I would ever be enough for him, what with working and being a single parent.