Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘How did you find me?’

  ‘It wasn’t hard. When I was going through stuff I found a brochure for a beauty salon with your sister’s name on it. It also had your name scribbled on it. I made a few enquiries, checked his work diary . . .’ She smiled at me. ‘When I saw you first I was frightened. You’re exactly his type. Dave liked class. He always said you could smell money.’

  ‘Well, he wouldn’t have smelt it from me,’ I assured her.

  ‘Do you only work here then?’ she asked, surprised.

  ‘No, I do actually own it. What I meant was I’ve never had a penny really. All this only happened because of Alison’s death.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘She had a child, a little boy called Charlie. He’s three. There was a trust fund . . . I only found out . . . later.’ I’d no idea why I was telling her all this.

  ‘I’m so sorry. What’s happened to him?’

  ‘I’m looking after him – or at least I will be shortly. He’s with my aunt, just until I get our house sorted. I can’t wait to have him with me, he’s all I have . . .’ I felt embarrassed yet happy saying it. ‘I suppose in a sense all this is for him.’ It was odd, but it was the first time I’d thought of it that way.

  ‘You’re lucky then,’ she said with confidence. ‘You have a reason to go on. He’ll make you so proud one day, and he’ll keep you young, and teach you so much. My girls still do that.’

  ‘You sound very wise.’ It was true. ‘I’d say Dave was a lucky man.’

  ‘Did he ever mention me?’

  ‘Yes, actually, he did.’ It wasn’t a lie, but the rest was. ‘He mentioned something about me catering – a surprise party for you, as far as I remember. It was one of the first things he contacted me about. That and my sister’s death. He was quoting her for a job, or something . . .’

  ‘Really?’ Her eyes lit up. ‘It probably would have been for my birthday. I’m fifty next month. He was on at me to throw a big do. Dave loved surprises.’

  ‘That might have been it,’ I told her. ‘I know I wrote it down at the time . . .’ I let my voice trail off.

  ‘Thank you.’ She grabbed my hand. ‘I’m so glad I plucked up the courage to come and see you. You’ve no idea what a weight’s been taken off my mind. I was torturing myself with it.’

  ‘It’s hard when someone you love dies suddenly . . . It leaves you with so much extra stuff to deal with, on top of the grief.’

  Marie left once we started to get busy. As I watched her go I knew that she was a lot happier than when she’d arrived and I was glad.

  50

  LILY

  JANUARY IN WICKLOW was a grey and dreary month with hardly a local, never mind a tourist, in sight. The countryside was naked and the sea looked angry any time I drove out the coast road. The car parks were deserted and the picnic tables dotted about the edges needed to have kids climbing all over them. I longed for the first splashes of yellow to appear in the gardens and window boxes and tried to cheer up our customers by introducing an ‘energy-boosting’ menu to keep us all going. Aunt Milly insisted I buy an industrial juicer and try out a few healthy specials – the recipes for which she personally researched – and I have to say our younger customers really took to them.

  Everyone around me was complaining that the days were crawling by and a lot of our regulars came in looking damp and grumpy. Too many hard-to-keep resolutions or strenuous exercise classes, Orla reckoned, as everyone ordered skinny lattes and vegetable soup and brown salad sandwiches – no butter, no mayo. The new menu was a hit for about three days but by the end of the first week they were all back on the white chocolate chip muffins.

  The house purchase was going through without any difficulty, which my aunt reckoned meant it was destined for me. She and Charlie were coming to see it the following weekend and I couldn’t wait.

  Daniel invited me to have dinner with his mother at their house. It seemed she wanted to check out her new neighbour. I was terrified she might not like me and veto the sale, so I dressed carefully – like a nun, according to Orla, who laughed outrageously when she saw me – and took her a huge bunch of late winter grape hyacinths and early daffs and snowdrops.

  ‘You look very sedate,’ Daniel said when he came to pick me up. ‘Like you’re going to meet a priest or something. What’s up?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I said casually. ‘Just felt like being understated for a change.’

  ‘Well, you managed it.’ He laughed as we snaked along my favourite road with the purple hills on one side and the vast expanse of frothy waves providing a backdrop on the other. It still gave me a thrill each time I realized that this would be my route home from work each day.

  ‘I hope you’re not trying to impress my mum?’ Daniel asked.

  ‘Whatever gave you that idea?’ I shot him one of my looks.

  ‘Oh, I dunno – the flowers, the homemade cupcakes, the all-black outfit and the flat shoes – nothing much, I guess.’ He poked me in the ribs, then burst out laughing so I was forced to clock him one.

  As soon as he introduced me to his mother I realized why he’d been trying to keep a straight face earlier. She was much younger than I’d expected – a well-known local artist, as it turned out – and a hippie. I nearly died with mortification when she strolled out to meet us wearing a long, flowery kaftan-type dress and sandals, even though it was winter.

  ‘She’s much more likely to be put off if she thinks you’re a Bible-thumper,’ Daniel whispered as we followed her indoors.

  Luckily for me, she was also a very nice woman and warm, home-baked bits and pieces seemed to convince her that I wasn’t going to be the neighbour from hell. Listening to her stories I knew it was much more likely that I’d be feeding her up and mothering her rather than the other way round. It was also a great relief to know that she wouldn’t be knocking on my door all the time looking for company.

  ‘The way you talked, I thought she was a little old lady with a bun and roundy specs and an apron.’ I could have killed Daniel as he dropped me back.

  ‘I never implied anything of the sort,’ he said indignantly. ‘She spent three months in Zanzibar on her holidays last year, so she’s not about to crawl into a rocking chair any day soon.’

  ‘But you said she relied on you when your dad died . . .’

  ‘To run the business, yes – but that’s because she has no interest. If I’m honest I was afraid she’d sell it from under me.’ He laughed again at my face. ‘And donate all her money – my inheritance – to a benevolent fund for ageing tree-huggers or something.’

  By the time we pulled up at the shop we were giggling like teenagers.

  ‘Would you like to come up for coffee?’ I asked him, not wanting the evening to end. I’d knocked back a couple of glasses of wine pretty smartly at dinner to hide my embarrassment, whereas I knew he’d hardly drunk anything. ‘One for the road maybe?’ I suggested then, anxious to keep the atmosphere going.

  ‘Better not, I’ve a group in first thing in the morning. Got to be at the airport at six thirty.’

  ‘Where on earth do you get your energy?’ He looked as fresh as the proverbial daisy.

  ‘It’s the company.’ He tipped the side of my nose with his finger. ‘You’re a funny girl, Lily Ormond, do you know that?’ Without warning he leaned over and kissed me – very lightly to start with – then leaned away slightly so that he could see my face in the half-light. Afterwards, I don’t know which of us decided we wanted more first, but thirty seconds later it was definitely more satisfying than any kiss I’d ever tasted.

  ‘Don’t you have a girlfriend who might object to that?’ I asked him, still unsure about his friend Zanna.

  ‘No, but don’t you have at least two boyfriends on the go at once?’ He raised his eyebrow at me, then didn’t wait for my reply. ‘Goodnight.’ He grinned and leaned over to open the door for me.

  ‘I don’t have even one boyfriend.’ It seemed important to set him straight.

&n
bsp; ‘Glad to hear it,’ he said softly and pulled my hair.

  Next day Richard called in and I was pleased. I’d phoned him a couple of times and we’d been texting, but I still hadn’t seen him since the day he nearly got married and I was concerned about him.

  ‘Hi.’ He still looked sheepish even now – over a week later.

  ‘Hi, yourself.’ I greeted him warmly. ‘Coffee, or something stronger?’

  ‘Coffee – black and strong – would be great, thanks.’

  He looked the worse for wear. I watched him as I made up a pot of espresso and frothed some milk for myself.

  ‘So, how’ve you been?’

  ‘OK, I guess.’ He shuffled about. ‘Was it a complete disaster?’ He was looking at his feet.

  ‘Unmitigated,’ I told him.

  ‘Go on then, get the lecture over with.’ He sounded like a schoolboy as we sat down at a table in the window.

  ‘I’ll leave that to everyone else in your life,’ I told him. ‘I’m not in a position to lecture anyone.’

  ‘Well, I’ve started to clear up the mess,’ he said. ‘I have a son, can you credit that?’

  ‘Me too,’ I said softly. ‘Can you believe that?’

  He smiled.

  ‘Had you really no idea?’ I asked him.

  ‘Truthfully, somewhere at the back of my mind I knew there had to be a reason Shauna was always trying to see me. I’m not that vain.’ He grinned. ‘But I dunno, I just never let myself go there. As long as she didn’t say it out loud then I guess I could avoid it.’

  ‘Well, she definitely picked her moment,’ I said, not sure he deserved that.

  ‘I probably deserved it.’ He was reading my thoughts, it seemed.

  ‘No, I don’t think so,’ I told him truthfully. ‘What are you going to do now?’

  ‘We’ve spoken. It was all a bit fraught on the day, I needn’t tell you, but things calmed down eventually. Anyway, I’m going to meet them both next week. He knows about me.’ He smiled. ‘His name’s Cillian.’

  ‘Good for you.’ I meant it. ‘I don’t think you’ll be sorry.’

  ‘No, but I am sorry about Daisy. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. I loved her, you know, in my own way. I’m just a typical stupid male, I guess, always wondering if there isn’t more around the next corner,’ he said and it didn’t hurt at all to hear.

  We chatted for a good while and the light faded and eventually the girls called goodnight. Daniel Williams walked by with a young woman in tow and made a face at me as he passed. I laughed in spite of myself and stuck out my tongue at him in response, then spent the rest of the evening wondering who the hell the girl was.

  ‘Got any scraps to eat?’ Richard asked eventually.

  I gave in and prepared a plate of cold meats and cheeses and added some olives and sun-blushed tomatoes and a bit of pesto. ‘That’s all you’re getting.’ I put down a basket of fresh bread and some butter and stole the black pepper from a nearby table. ‘Wine or water?’

  ‘Maybe one glass of wine?’

  ‘That didn’t take long.’ I grinned. ‘I thought one of your texts said you were off drink for the rest of January?’

  ‘Well, I was off it for a couple of days after my binge, but hey, you gotta live, eh?’

  ‘That’s true.’ I handed him a glass and a quarter bottle of wine and we tucked in.

  ‘So, d’ya fancy meeting up some time then?’

  ‘A date, do you mean?’ I was joking.

  ‘I suppose so. Yeah, why not?’ He shifted about a bit and looked uncomfortable.

  ‘So what is this, a “let’s start again”-type conversation?’

  ‘Sort of. I’m definitely single now.’ He gave me one of his ‘please love me’ looks.

  ‘Richard.’ I was getting a bit tired of all the game-playing with him. ‘What is it you’re trying to say?’

  ‘I just thought . . . you know, maybe we could get together some time, have a bit of fun . . .’ He was struggling to make it more palatable, I could tell. ‘I’m not ready for anything else at the moment,’ he said quickly.

  ‘Sorry, Richard, it’s out of the question,’ I told him in a flat voice. I felt oddly disappointed. He hadn’t grown up at all, it appeared. ‘The truth is, I won’t have much time for “a bit of fun” in the near future. As you know, I’m a mother now and my child is coming to live with me.’ I stood up. ‘Actually, I need to phone him, so I’d better close up here.’

  ‘Can I call you some time?’ He seemed about to say more, then drained his glass.

  ‘No, I don’t think so but thanks, you’ve helped me clear up a few things in my head.’ I walked him to the door. ‘Good luck with your own son, by the way. I hope you get a second chance with him.’

  ‘Lily, is this because of . . . you know, my arrangement with Alison?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Because if it is, I just want you to know that I wasn’t suggesting anything like that.’ He looked genuinely upset. ‘I wasn’t implying that you were . . . well, you know.’

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘Nothing,’ he said and I let it go. But I knew exactly what he meant. I just wasn’t ready to hear it said out loud. It was still too big for me.

  51

  LILY

  HIS WORDS HAUNTED me for the next few days, but I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let myself think too much about what he’d meant. I was beginning to feel I’d never be able to face it, so I convinced myself that I’d no real proof. It could still turn out to be something else entirely, I reasoned. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d got it all wrong.

  I finally had the long-overdue chat with Brian Daly. We had some formal business to do, but first I took him to lunch at a little French bistro near his office. I felt it was the least I could do: he’d been a good friend to me over the past few months.

  ‘We need to talk about Kevin,’ I said after a while.

  ‘Lily, I want you to know that the Kevin thing was as much of a shock to me as it was to you.’ Brian looked as strained as I felt. ‘Let’s just say it took me a long while to discover what it took you less than a month to figure out about Kevin. Oh, we get on well enough and all that, but Kevin is out for only one person in life and that’s himself.’

  I couldn’t deny he was spot-on. ‘What I don’t understand is why he’s come forward after all this time? I mean, he and Alison were never an item – in the traditional sense – or I’d have known about it.’

  ‘I’d no idea either. He said that after Alison died he realized that he was all Charlie had left. I know what you’re thinking,’ he added quickly as he saw my face.

  ‘I’m Charlie’s legal guardian,’ I said quietly. ‘And nobody comes into his life unless I say so.’

  ‘I understand that.’

  ‘Brian, I know he’s your brother and all that but I don’t trust Kevin. And I don’t think he’d be any good for Charlie right now. I’m not even convinced he sees himself as a hands-on father, so what does he want?’

  ‘Nothing that I know of.’

  ‘So why didn’t he talk to me about this? Christ, is that why he . . . made a play for me?’ I wondered aloud. ‘I thought at first he was interested in Orla, and so did she.’

  ‘I don’t know. He came to me and I asked him not to talk to you about it. I wanted to tell you myself. I’m just sorry the way it came out . . .’

  ‘Brian, I want to see the letter she left. I want proof before I think about this any more. It’s been on my mind since we had our conversation and it’s wrecking my head, to be honest. Besides, I have a horrible feeling he’s not going to go away where I’m concerned.’

  He said nothing for a moment and I was prepared for an argument.

  ‘Fine,’ he said eventually.

  ‘Do you believe Kevin?’ I felt I had to ask. ‘And I’m sorry if that’s an unfair question.’

  He shook his head. ‘No, it’s not. And yes, I do believe him. Why else would he be doing this?’


  I sighed. ‘OK, let’s go back to your office and get this over with.’

  ‘Lily, it’s not a very long letter and I don’t think it’s very . . . personal or anything,’ he warned. ‘I think she just wanted me to have it in case anything ever happened to her . . . but like all of us she never really thought it would.’

  My heart sank. This letter was my last chance to get some answers to the one question I could no longer avoid. ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘She wrote it in my office one day. She asked me to witness her signature but I didn’t read the contents or anything so I don’t know what’s in it.’

  ‘I see.’ We ordered coffee which neither of us really wanted, I guessed.

  ‘You’ll be glad to know we’ve finally arranged a date for Charlie to move in with me,’ I told him as we walked back to his office a short while later. I saw his face light up. He knew about the house purchase; all the paperwork had gone to him as my solicitor.

  ‘Can I come and see him?’ he asked.

  ‘You’d better,’ I warned him. ‘You’ll be my chief babysitter if I ever get a boyfriend. I’ve nothing planned, mind you,’ I added quickly.

  Ten minutes later he handed me a brown envelope. My heart started beating faster the second I saw my name written in her bold handwriting. She’d drawn a little flower in the loop of the Y in Lily, just as she’d always done. When we were children she said it was because the name Lily made her think of the scent of summer flowers and when we were very small she used to make me smell my name whenever it was written down, insisting that if you tried hard enough you could get the perfume. Also on the front of the envelope was the date and a note that said Statement of Alison Ormond – only to be opened by her sister Lily Ormond in the event of her death, and then only if an issue arises in relation to the father of Charles Ormond. Otherwise to be retained by Brian Daly, Solicitor, and left unopened.