Broken & Damaged Love

by T. L. Clark

  “I did?”

  “Uh huh. When George went hunting.”

  George was their pet name for his penis, and he’d told her a story about him going out for a hunt one day, but he had to go through a dark tunnel to find the best berries.

  Dean gathered Tina to him in a hug. “My darling, I’m so sorry. You should have said. I’ll be more careful. Let’s try again now, and you just say if it hurts OK?”

  She was still hesitant.

  “OK Tina, I’ll tell you what. I’ll lie on my back so you can climb on top. That way you’re in control, and you can stop if it hurts.”

  Regrettably, Tina accepted this. She thought her daddy was so kind and caring. He only wanted her to be happy. She didn’t want him to get angry at her. He frightened her when he was angry.

  He would hug her close after he had finished, showering her with kisses, “I love you so much Tina. You make me so happy,” he’d tell her. “You’re such a good girl.”

  I feel the need to point out here that this was still far from consensual. Tina had been groomed for many years, and was so wrapped up in her father’s lies she was like a fly in his spider’s web. There was no way she could tell right from wrong in this scenario.

  Going along with something you’re forced into is very different from doing something because you actually want to.

  Of course, being the one at home, Dean was in control of all the washing, so there was never any physical evidence. And he was always careful to lay a large towel down on the bed before their activities. It was easier to wash a towel than a full set of bed sheets anyway.

  Years passed in this way. Dean and Tina had their routine, and Tina was too scared of her mum’s temper to mention anything about what they did.

  She wanted to tell her about the fun times, but she didn’t want to make her mum jealous or upset, as her dad had warned her she would be. And she didn’t have many (if any) friends at school.

  She sort of blurred into the background. She was so quiet not many people noticed her. And the few who did notice teased her for being “Ginger”.

  She was therefore all the more grateful for her father’s love. She could go home and tell him how mean the other kids had been, and he would hold her and show her how much he loved her.

  Many moons later at school, Tina and her classmates were being given a Sex Ed lesson. She was now fifteen. They were learning about relationships and sexual intercourse. Tina’s hand shot up to ask a question.

  “Miss, you said couples are usually close in age. What if the man’s older?”

  “Well, yes, either partner can be older.”

  “How much older?”

  “Well, it depends on the people.”

  “So, if there was someone like my dad’s age…? Would that be OK?”

  The teacher paused. It seemed an odd question.

  “Well, it’s unusual but there are people who have twenty or more years’ difference. There’s no law about age as long as you’re both over sixteen.”

  The class were all laughing. Everyone except Tina that is. She blushed as everyone laughed at her, and then all colour had drained from her face as the teacher’s words hit home.

  It was like a truck had just hit her, or she’d run into a brick wall. Something plummeted inside her, and she felt cold. Her body stiffened.

  The class were still laughing as she ran out of the room, down the corridor and into the loos, where she promptly threw up.

  The teacher regained control of her class and finished the lesson. When Tina still didn’t return she went looking for her.

  She heard the sobs from the toilet cubicle, and knew at once what was so badly wrong. She felt sick herself; could this really be happening? She knocked on the door, having shooed any other girls away.

  “Tina? Is that you?”

  She knew full well that it was.

  “It’s Mrs Strauss, Tina. Can you let me in?”

  There was nothing but sobs for a while, but eventually the door creaked open, and Mrs Strauss saw a mess of a girl perched on the toilet (lid closed).

  “Tina. I need you to know you can tell me anything,” her voice started to crack.

  She reached out to take the girl’s hand, but it was snatched back away. Her teacher crouched down so she could look into Tina’s reddened eyes.

  “Tina. It’s your dad isn’t it?”

  Tina exploded in the most gut wrenching, heart breaking howl Mrs Strauss would ever hear. “Yeeees,” she wailed.

  Mrs Strauss stood up.

  “Tina. We need to go to see the Head Mistress. We need to tell her so we can get some help. OK? ”

  Tina launched herself into her teacher’s arms. It was like she was standing in a burning building fifty floors up, and had to jump across to another building for safety.

  Mrs Strauss stood there, with Tina’s arms wrapped tightly around her. She felt awkward; there were rules about physical contact, and given this girl’s situation this was doubly wrong. But she couldn’t abandon her. Not now.

  “Shhh….it’s OK, it’s OK. We’ll make this right. You’re safe now. I promise.”

  She rubbed Tina’s shoulder. They stood there until Tina had cried herself out. She walked to the sinks and splashed her face with cold water to revive herself.

  Mrs Strauss led her to the school office and sat her down in the waiting chair. She fetched a glass of water and went into the Head Mistress’ Office.

  Having prepared the head teacher with the news, Mrs Strauss fetched Tina. She sat there with two pairs of eyes looking at her.

  “Tina,” the Head Mistress (Mrs Jones), began, “we’re here to help you. I need you to tell me what’s been happening.”

  Tina closed her lips firmly together.

  “Tina. I know this is difficult, and I’m sorry. But we can’t help if you don’t tell us.”

  “But I don’t want to get into trouble.”

  “I promise you’re not going to be in trouble. I just need to know if your dad’s been harming you.”

  She shook her head. “He’d never hurt me.”

  “But has he touched you?”

  Tina nodded. “But only because he loves me.”

  “Where, Tina?”

  Tina pointed to the places.

  “Brave girl. Thank you for telling me. Is he due to collect you from school today?

  Another nod.

  “OK. Tina, I’m going to have to make a phone call. Mrs Strauss will take you to the counsellor along the corridor. Are you happy to go with her?”

  Tina nodded. Mrs Jones’ heart broke for this poor young girl. She glanced at Mrs Strauss who had the same pained expression she knew was on her own face. She tilted her head in a nod and took Tina away.

  Mrs Jones had to take some deep steadying breaths before she picked up the phone.

  “Hello, Social Services,” came the greeting through the receiver.

  Social Services in turn phoned the police. Mrs Jones’ office was getting crowded.

  Two police officers had turned up, but only the female one went into the office.

  Once they were all assembled and briefed on the process, Mrs Strauss brought Tina back into the office too. She turned to leave, but Tina grabbed hold of her hand. She had seen the police officer and was terrified she was going to be arrested. She’d been breaking the law.

  The policewoman saw Tina’s fear and approached gently, slowly and not too close.

  “Hi. Do you know something funny?”

  Tina shook her head.

  “My name’s Tina too. You’re not in any trouble, Tina. I’m just here to listen to what you have to say. I’m only here to help you. Understand?”

  Tina nodded slowly, but not fully believing this woman.

  “Come and sit down. We can just have a chat.”

  Tina obeyed, and at first they started talking about everyday things, things of no consequence, so Tina felt comfortable talking.

  Slowly but surely Tina told them her story. She crie
d the whole time. She felt like she was betraying her dad. She’d never meant to tell anyone.

  But the teacher had said this was illegal, and suddenly she’d realised what he’d been doing all these years. The floodgates had opened and the words blurted out of her mouth.

  The policewoman went out of the room to meet her colleague. She confirmed the girl had told her about her abuse, and they got ready to arrest Dean when he turned up.

  “Is there a friend or relative you want to go home with today, Tina?”

  The lady from Social Services asked. Tina shook her head and told them she just wanted to go home.

  “Your mum’s been called and she’s on her way, but we’re going to have to talk with her for a while. It might be best for you to stay with a friend tonight.”

  In truth, she was concerned the mother may have been ‘in on it’ and needed to investigate.

  “Hermione might be OK, but daddy doesn’t like me going round there.”

  The lady from Social Services thought this sounded like the perfect choice then, but kept her opinion to herself. She looked up at Mrs Jones.

  “Can her parents be contacted?”

  “Of course,” the Head Mistress replied. “I’ll see to it right away.”

  So it was arranged, Tina went home with Hermione. She didn’t speak a word all night, and she barely touched her food.

  She got dressed in one of Hermione’s spare nighties and curled up in bed, with her mind racing through her life. She was looking with fresh eyes. It was as if a veil had been lifted, and she started to see through all the lies. She was horrified.

  Deborah on the other hand had received the shock of her life.

  “But I’m a bloody nurse! Surely I’d know if something like this were going on in my own home?”

  “It’s not always obvious,” the lady from Social Services tried to reassure her.

  She was relieved that at least this mother was genuinely shocked.

  “No. She must be lying. One of her friends must have put her up to it. Dean would never do anything like that.”

  She felt sick to her stomach, she couldn’t begin to imagine it.

  She felt like she’d been in that school office for hours.

  She drove home still feeling in shock, and went into their empty house. Her husband was in the local police station.

  Phew! That was heavy going! Are you still with me? That’s the worst bits over and done with. If you’ve got this far, well done.

  Chapter 4 – Brown Stuff Hits the Fan

  Now some of you may be thinking ‘hoorah, now she’s safe’ and be celebrating the arrest of dastardly Dean. And yes, it was a victory but it was far from the end of Tina’s problems. In fact, you could consider it merely the beginning.

  Before, Tina had been in a state of ignorance, or at least denial. But the truth she learned that day in school hit her as surely as a dagger driving into her gut. Her pain, now realised, began haemorrhaging out of Tina like a waterfall of blood. The full realisation had hit hard indeed.

  The next morning Hermione’s mum dropped Tina off at home. Deborah managed a smile and thanked the other mother for looking after Tina, and shut the door quickly. Then her tirade began.

  “What the hell were you thinking, Tina? What did you have to tell the police for? Why didn’t you speak to me? How are we supposed to pay for the house with him in prison? We could have handled this ourselves.”

  These, and many other reprimands were shouted at Tina, who could only look stunned at her mother.

  She was shocked at the outburst, adding to her already shocked state. Where she had been expecting comfort she found venom and coldness.

  Feeling alone and unloved she stood in the hallway and cried. She tried to apologise, but no matter how hard she tried to explain she hadn’t meant to tell tales, that it “just sort of came out, and it was out of my control,” her mother remained furious.

  Scared her mum may actually lash out she ran to the sanctuary of her own room. But there staring at her was the scene of her crimes (as she thought of them). Her bed loomed large, as a ghastly reminder of all that had occurred. Another place of safety had turned into her enemy.

  Unable to bring herself to sit on the place of sin, she sank to the floor instead. She reached for a teddy bear from her bed to cuddle, desperate for something to hold, for anything that could console her. But the teddy had born witness to the evil doings, and she found the thing repulsive.

  She had nothing and no one. She sorely wanted her dad to hold her. He had supposedly been her support, but she felt sick as she realised how wrong it was to want him.

  He was not her comforter and never had been.

  She let her shoulders fall forwards onto the floor, and wailed into the carpet. She cried out in pain, in distress, and in utter confusion. Her whole body shuddered with sobs, and she could barely draw breath. Snot poured from her nose, but she didn’t care.

  Her screams continued with each tiny intake of breath.

  She blamed herself entirely; she hadn’t stopped her dad when she ‘should’ have, she had told the teachers, she had got him arrested, and now her mum hated her.

  She had no real friends at school. She was utterly alone.

  The darkness whirled around her and closed in. There was nothing but black in her world, with not one slither of light or hope. What had she done?

  “Why God, why?” came her cry. But nobody answered.

  Eventually, with the realisation it wouldn’t change anything, Tina managed to calm her breathing and finally stopped crying. She sat up and hugged her knees to her, her head resting on them.

  She had to figure out what to do. Where did she go from here? But she couldn’t think. Her mind was full of flashbacks, her memories of what she’d believed to be love and affection were poisoned with hate and evil.

  Each memory passed through her mind like a parade of despicable acts. She felt dirty and unclean. She took herself into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

  At first the water felt refreshing, but the effect soon wore off, and she turned the temperature up. She got a bar of soap and a scrubber and tried to scrub off the uncleanliness of what had happened.

  She scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was red raw and started bleeding, but still the filth seemed to cling to her. She even tried putting the soap inside of her, as if that could clean her. But that too failed.

  She felt like a vessel of grime that nothing could ever make clean again. She gave up and towelled herself off.

  She went back to her room and put on the baggiest jumper and jogging bottoms she could find.

  Tina’s mum knocked on her door at lunchtime. Receiving no answer she left the plate of sandwiches and cup of tea outside the room, and called through the door so Tina knew her lunch was there.

  It remained untouched. Tina wasn’t hungry. She didn’t want food. She wanted nothing that would sustain this hateful existence.

  Her mum replaced the untouched lunch with dinner in the evening. But that too went untouched.

  In truth, Deborah had no idea what to say to her daughter. She felt disgusted at both of them. She had questions, like how long it had been going on, but she didn’t feel like she could ask.

  She had no words of comfort. She needed some of her own. She felt the betrayal of her husband and felt guilty that she hadn’t known.

  She hated that she’d not been there for her daughter, despised her job, and loathed herself.

  She felt angry at Dean for what he’d done. No, there were no words she could find to speak to the girl.

  The next day was a Sunday, but she had to go to work. She called through the door to Tina that she was being left alone.

  “Bye,” was the abrupt yet quiet answer.

  Tina spent all weekend in her room, not eating. She managed to drink some water. She brought a cup of tea straight back up when she’d tried to drink it.

  Monday morning came, and Deborah dragged Tina off the floor. She hadn’t slept in
her bed still.

  “You’ve got to go to school,” Deborah barked, when Tina tried to refuse.

  “I can’t. They’ll know. They’ll hate me. They’ll tease me.”

  “Well you should have thought of that before opening your big mouth. Come on, get dressed.”

  Tina reluctantly shoved on her school uniform. She looked a mess. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her hair had barely been brushed. Her clothes were untidy.

  She shuffled her way out of her mum’s car and up the path into school. She felt all eyes turn to her as she walked that path of shame.

  Her head was hung low, as she tried to avoid making eye contact. She went straight to her form room, and tried to hide herself away at her desk in the corner.

  A few other students were already in the room. They stared, but nobody spoke to her.

  “Are you alright?” her form tutor asked.

  Tina nodded and drew her arms around her middle.

  “I think Mrs Jones wanted to see you. Have you spoken to her?”

  Tina shook her head ‘no’. She made her way to the Head Teacher’s office.

  The secretary smiled encouragingly and pointed to the chair where she was to wait.

  A couple of minutes later Mrs Jones popped her head around her door and beckoned Tina to go in.

  Tina’s eyes went wide, as she was faced with yet more horrific memories. This is where she had revealed the hideous truth. Why hadn’t she just been able to remain quiet?

  Mrs Jones explained that the school counsellor was coming to collect Tina. She didn’t have to attend any lessons that morning.

  She walked along in silence at the side of Miss Nodin, the counsellor. Tina was terrified she was going to say something that was going to make this whole situation worse.

  Tina sat down on the low, soft, brown chair in the counsellor’s room. Having shut the door, Miss Nodin took her place opposite Tina. There was a glass of water and tissues on the table.

  “Welcome Tina. I just want to let you know that you can tell me anything in this room. I won’t tell anyone else. This session is just for you, so you can talk about anything you want. The only time I would need to tell anyone else is if you are at risk of harm to yourself or others, but I would talk to you before I do that.