Broken & Damaged Love

by T. L. Clark

A pair of smart sneakers fell into step next to her. She stopped. She looked up.

  She stared into a hazel glare that was all at once concerned and confused. Frank’s shaggy brown mane looked dishevelled.

  “I’m so sorry. I had to make sure you’re OK. Are you? OK, I mean,” Frank rambled nervously.

  Tina nodded, her lips tightly sucked in, so you couldn’t see the pink at all.

  “I get carried away sometimes. Your picture is really good though, you know,” he continued.

  “No. I don’t know. It’s bad. Very bad. Please just leave me alone,” she replied, ashamed of her outburst, and embarrassed at how much he’d seen.

  She started to walk off but a soft hand was immediately on her elbow, tugging her to halt. Not aggressively, just the gentlest touch that invited rather than commanded her compliance. It made her feel better, and Tina did indeed slow to a halt.

  “You have soft hands,” she exclaimed.

  It was a foolish observation at a time like this, but it’s what struck her most in the moment.

  “Yeah, well, I use mild green Fairy Liquid,” he sang to the tune of the washing up liquid jingle, smiling and holding his hands in front of him.

  Tina found herself giggling again. Frank really was quite funny and came out with the most surprising things at random moments.

  “So you’re OK, yeah?” he checked.

  “Yeah. Thanks. Look, I’d better get to class, but I’ll see you later, OK?”

  He agreed and they went their separate ways. Frank’s teacher didn’t even notice his late entrance to class. Tina’s did though.

  “Is everything OK?” was asked with genuine care, but made Tina feel even more awkward.

  She blushed a deep crimson as she nodded and took her seat.

  She bit her lip, but then let a broad smile take place as she thought of Frank’s advert impression.

  He was a good person to know, she decided. He made her feel better about herself, and she felt she could trust him. And he clearly cared; he’d waited all that time for her to emerge from her meltdown.

  Time wore on, and their friendship continued to grow. Yet still Tina questioned it.

  Tina struggled to concentrate in class. She was thinking of a pair of hazel eyes, radiating kindness. She had come to trust Frank in such a short space of time it was alarming.

  History had shown her not to trust anyone, and she’d come to rely on herself. Why was she letting him so close?

  He’d seen a hidden depth to her picture she’d not realised was there herself. It scared her and comforted her all at once.

  She felt she ought to explain more, not knowing just how much of her he’d actually pieced together. She needed him to know the truth.

  It was suddenly important to her. But at the same time she didn’t know if she could bring herself to say the words. How would she even start a conversation like that? Her stomach tied itself into knots, and her head hurt as all the contradictions hit against each other.

  She had held so much inside for so long, it was just bursting to come out. Her instincts told her to trust kind, gentle Frank.

  He’d shown concern for her, which was more than a lot of people had done recently. Yes, she could tell him her story. Couldn’t she? What if he did run away? She’d be all alone again, and she’d already started to grow a relationship with him.

  She instinctively felt a deep connection to him and she was afraid of losing it. It was becoming a lifeline.

  But what if she didn’t tell him? She felt as if she’d be lying. How much had he learned from her picture? The words he’d started to say…it was like he’d looked straight into her soul. And if he had guessed then what was the harm of filling in the blanks?

  She’d deliberately kept their conversations light since that day. She had avoided her dark place at all costs. She had felt herself being pulled away from the darkness by Frank. She wouldn’t let herself go back. Did talking about her past mean that’s what she’d be doing? Would it take her back to the darkness?

  “Tina, are you OK?” the teacher was asking her again.

  Tina hadn’t consciously heard her the first time.

  Tina raised her head over the top of her arms, which were folded on the desk and looked bleary eyed at her inquisitor.

  “Yeah. I’m fine,” she said meekly.

  “Then eyes this way please,” her teacher said pointing towards the whiteboard.

  She obeyed, but her thoughts were still miles away.

  At the end of the day Tina, taking lots of deep breaths, made her way down the long corridor towards Frank’s classroom.

  She saw him walking towards her, which made her smile, then her breath caught as she remembered why she was there.

  “We need to talk,” she declared.

  “Oooo kaaay..,” Frank replied uncertainly.

  “Can you come to mine? I can’t talk here.”

  He nodded and they headed over to Tina’s in total silence. Tina was still contemplating what to say, and Frank just didn’t know what to say. Tina opened her front door, which felt heavy.

  It was quite dark in the house, but she didn’t switch the lights on. Frank went to reach for the switch but she stopped him.

  “No, it’s better this way,” she explained and led him to the sofa.

  She sat as far away from him as she could.

  Feeling restless, Tina dashed to the kitchen and gulped down a glass of her mum’s wine, needing some Dutch courage.

  Was she really going to go ahead with this lunacy? The flashbacks started coming in thick and fast, and she felt her bile rising. Just another quick sip of wine?

  Frank’s voice called her back to the present moment, “Tina are you OK?”

  She sat back down as he queried, “Tina, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Is it something I said? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he began, looking increasingly worried.

  He had already begun to cherish this friendship. He didn’t make friends easily and he was scared he’d just really messed up.

  “No. It’s not you, it’s me,” Tina tried to say to comfort him.

  It just made him smirk.

  “I bet you say that to all the boys.”

  “Please. Don’t,” Tina said, trying to remain serious. “Look, my picture. You saw something in it that day.”

  “It was nothing. Sorry. Forget I said anything.”

  “Will you please just shut up? This is hard enough already.”

  “OK. Sorry,” Frank said, motioning zipping his lips shut.

  Tina turned her body so she wasn’t looking at Frank at all.

  “That place you said about; the one that should have been safe? It’s here. My house. The ones who should have protected me are the ones who did me most harm.”

  Frank’s breath hitched, but he remained silent.

  It was lucky Tina couldn’t see his face. If she’d been able to see his look of horror she wouldn’t have been able to continue.

  He’d already guessed, but he’d hoped he was wrong. To hear Tina confirming his worst fears for her was appalling. He was shocked.

  “It started when I was very little,” Tina bravely went on. “My mum went out to work, leaving my dad to look after me.”

  She felt a hand cover her own, which was gripping onto the sofa cushion.

  “You don’t have to carry on if you don’t want to,” Frank whispered hoarsely.

  The words were struggling to get past the lump in his throat. Tina hadn’t even felt him edge up to her.

  She shook her head.

  “No. I have to do this.”

  She felt a squeeze around her shoulders, and she felt some courage stir within her. She’d half expected him to have bolted out the door by now, but of course, sweet Frank wouldn’t do that. She should have known.

  She carried on, and told him everything.

  Once she had started she couldn’t stop, even when the floodgates had opened, and she’d cried her way through the more horrific part
s. She left nothing out, it was a full disclosure; the abuse, how it all came out at school, the kids tormenting her. And all the while Frank had just sat there, silently holding her together with all the strength he had.

  Once she’d finished she managed to look into those soft hazel eyes. They were glimmering with moisture, and tear tracks were running down his cheeks.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said raggedly, and kissed the top of her head.

  As Tina looked back up those same hazel eyes were looking straight into hers. Tina felt the electricity spike through her like a lightning bolt.

  He was still here, and looking at her like that.

  Before she knew what she was doing her chin was tilting up, her lips were being drawn to the soft pink cushions of his mouth.

  It was all but a moment, but it felt like it was happening in slow motion as Tina’s mouth met Frank’s, drawing her mouth over his in a kiss she needed so badly in that moment.

  Frank gasped and jumped back.

  “What are you doing?” he asked in shock?

  “Kissing you,” Tina exclaimed.

  “No, you can’t. Tina!”

  Frank’s eyes were wide, and he was beginning to ramble but she didn’t let him finish.

  Crestfallen, she looked down at her hands,

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve known you wouldn’t want anything more to do with me after that. But I had to tell you. I wanted to be honest with you. I thought, I hoped you’d understand.”

  Tears had returned to Tina’s world. She was sobbing, realising how foolish she’d been.

  She had been right all along; never tell. It only leads to bad things. Hadn’t she learned that before?

  Why was she so stupid? If she’d just continued like nothing had happened, and kept her big mouth shut she still might have a chance.

  No. No, she wouldn’t. Why would anyone this lovely ever be interested in her? They’d shared a moment, a magical connection over art. That’s all. No more.

  Why had she ever thought there could be more? Tina was thinking all this and more when something cut through her inner noise.

  “Tina. Tina. Will you listen to me?” Frank was almost shouting.

  What? He was still here (she thought with surprise)? She had thought he’d run away straight after her pathetic kiss.

  “Tina!”

  His shouts were getting more frantic.

  Tina shook herself.

  “Frank. Why are you still here?”

  She had to know.

  “Tina I’m so sorry. I thought you knew.”

  “Knew what? You don’t fancy me. Look I’m sorry. I just got caught up in the moment. You’re free to leave when you want. I’ll be fine on my own. I’m used to it. In fact, I prefer it.”

  “Tina, it’s your turn to shut up honey. I just thought you knew. I’m sorry. I should have said.”

  “You’re waffling,” she warned.

  “Yeah, sorry, right. Tina, OK. Here it is. The thing is…I’m gay.”

  Ohhhhh, he’s gay. The realisation slowly dawned in Tina’s skull. She was processing the information whilst gawping like a fish, mouth wide open.

  “Say something,” Frank pleaded.

  There was still silence.

  “Please, don’t tell anyone. You have to promise me you won’t tell.”

  “Ummm. Yeah. Sorry. Of course I won’t say. But wow! OK, that makes sense. Oh my God, I kissed you. I’m so sorry.”

  Her gigantic error now showed itself clearly. ‘Wow how dumb,’ she thought.

  “It’s OK. Just maybe don’t do it again?”

  “No. I promise. I’m so sorry. I should have known, you’re right.”

  “How would you know? I didn’t tell you, and my ‘hey I’m gay’ T-Shirt is still at the dry cleaners,” he mocked. Tina managed to giggle once more at his ludicrous statement. He was very good at those.

  “You’re still here,” Frank used Tina’s words back at her, but his voice was just as unsure as hers had been.

  “Of course I am. It’s my house,” she retorted.

  “OK, Smarty-pants. I’m still here. You’ve not kicked me out.”

  “No shit Sherlock.”

  “So, we’re OK? You don’t mind that I’m gay?”

  “Why would I mind?”

  “Ummm…because a lot of people aren’t OK with that. And I’m guessing from that kiss you wanted more than I can give you?”

  Tina blushed, “Mmm…how’s about we never mention that kiss again?”

  “Oh no. That’s too good not to treasure forever.”

  She smacked his arm playfully, “Rat bag!”

  “Seriously, can we still be friends?”

  “I don’t know. You want to hang around with a whore?”

  Frank’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, “Don’t you ever let me hear you call yourself that again,” he roared.

  Tina was momentarily taken aback. She’d not seen him lose his temper before, and it rose in a flash. All she could do was sit there staring at him, Guppy-like again.

  “Nod if you hear me,” he said more quietly.

  She did so.

  “Those boys at school were idiots. Stupid, ignorant twats. It was not your fault, Tina. You hear me?”

  Another nod was aimed at him. He gathered her up in his arms.

  “You’re a beautiful, intelligent, creative girl, and I won’t ever hear anyone say any different. You were a victim, it was not your choice.”

  Frank’s shirt felt wet as Tina’s tears soaked through. He gave her one last squeeze before releasing her, so he could look her in the eyes. He placed his hands on her shoulders.

  “If I were straight I’d be lucky to have someone like you, Tina.”

  She smiled weakly as his words hit home. For maybe the first time ever she began to realise it wasn’t her fault.

  Her dad had made her feel that she’d seduced him, but she began to see how it was the other way round. He’d inflicted himself on her.

  She hadn’t known any better. It was a start. It’s not like Frank had a magic wand, but it was a tiny glimmer of hope that she may change her perspective of the events of her past.

  Tina was sleeping soundly by the time her mum came home from her shift. She was exhausted after her confession to Frank, but she felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders a little.

  When they’d said goodbye he’d given her another hug, but Tina felt differently about that contact now.

  When she was alone in her bed she’d laid there thinking about Frank. She’d been so confused, and so lost she’d not noticed the subtle signals that might have alerted her to his sexuality.

  She cringed as she remembered her pathetic attempt to kiss him. She was so embarrassed. But now she had space to think it made sense.

  Never had she felt so at ease with a boy before. He’d gained entry into her personal space without her flinching. She’d misconstrued that as a result of her attraction to him. But no, it was the total lack of threat he posed.

  Not once had he tried to impose himself on her. He hadn’t pawed at her, or leered. In fact, he’d never done anything but be her friend.

  She let the warm feelings of his assured friendship wash over her now. He knew her story and hadn’t fled, and likewise, she now knew his story too.

  They were custodians of each other’s secret. She felt a pure love she had never known could exist. And it was with these happy thoughts and feelings that she drifted off into her safe, comforted sleep.

  Tina couldn’t wait to see her friend when she got up the next morning. She got ready hurriedly and rushed to college.

  But when she saw Frank in the corridor her steps faltered, and she slowed. She suddenly didn’t know how to approach him. He had seen her and was now looking concerned. His head tipped slightly to one side as he tried to guess what she was doing.

  As always, it didn’t take him long to realise her predicament, and he opened up his arms to welcome her to him. Grinning, she sped back up
to get her morning hug.

  “Thank you,” she whispered against his shoulder.

  Frank dipped his mouth to her ear, and whispered ever so softly, “Just because I don’t want to fuck you doesn’t mean you can’t touch me.”

  The sensation of his whisper tickled right through her, but she heard his words. She felt a little sad. Frank was such a gorgeous young man, and she would have loved to have him as a boyfriend, but she knew that could never be. He caught the sadness in her eyes as she pulled away.

  “Hey, smile please,” he said gently.

  And ever willing to obey, she complied. This was going to take some getting used to, but she’d get there. Tina valued Frank’s friendship above all things. His was perhaps the first genuine kindness she’d ever known.

  They reluctantly parted ways to go to class. Frank really wanted to talk more. He wanted to be sure his friend was OK. There was so much sadness in her, and he wanted to chase it all away.

  Chapter 7 – Frank’s Truth

  The platonic pair met up at lunch time, and Tina was relieved to do something ‘normal’ with Frank.

  As they sat chatting inconsequentially her anxieties and what-ifs disintegrated. The heating was on, and with all the people in the canteen it got really hot. Frank rolled up his shirt sleeves.

  Tina was tracing the fine sinews of his forearms with her eyes, chastising herself for thinking naughty thoughts, when suddenly she did a double take.

  “What did you do?” she asked, nodding at the bruising showing just under his sleeve.

  Frank pulled his sleeves down sharply.

  “Nothing.”

  “OK, now it’s something. I just thought you’d been clumsy. Why won’t you tell me?”

  “It’s nothing you want to know about,” he rebuked defensively.

  “Hang on. I tell you all about my nightmare life, but you don’t have to tell me your story? Who are the trolls in your painting?” Tina bit out.

  She was getting annoyed at the imbalance suddenly looming between them.

  Frank took a breath, opened his mouth to say something, but then firmly closed his lips again.

  “Well?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

  “Fine, but not here,” he muttered. “Is it safe at yours again this afternoon?”

  He started fidgeting with his fingers. Tina began to feel guilty. Sometimes she was just so stroppy.