All Because of You

by Melissa Hill

  The casual, almost indifferent reaction and the disinterested way he’d tried to brush her aside set off something inside Emma, and right then, all thoughts of breaking the news softly to him went right out the window.

  “It was a good time for you a few months ago, though, wasn’t it, you two-faced bastard!” she blurted, her tone rising. “Back then, you had plenty of time for me!”

  He looked stunned for a moment. “Emma, please . . .

  calm down!” He looked worriedly up and down the street.

  “Why should I? Are you afraid that everyone will find out about you? Afraid they’ll all find out that the person they think is the salt-of-the-earth is nothing but a heartless, using bastard?”

  “Heartless, using bastard . . . what’s all that about?” he said, looking genuinely puzzled. “How did I use you? As far as I was concerned that night was just a bit of fun – for both of us. Something stupid after a few drinks too many.”

  Emma couldn’t believe it. He had no idea – no idea at all that she had real feelings for him. He’d really thought their night together was no big deal. Just a bit of fun? Having known all about this man, having always known deep down that she couldn’t –shouldn’t – put any faith in him, still she’d thought it meant something. But she’d been silly to think about trusting him, because most of the time the same man couldn’t even trust himself.

  “Look, Emma, I’m sorry if you thought that . . . well, I didn’t mean to . . . as I said, we’d had a few drinks, and it was just a bit of a laugh, wasn’t it?” He was talking as if it was all perfectly reasonable. “I didn’t think for a second that you might think something would come of it. I mean, you know as well as anyone the story with me.”

  “Well, something did come of it, actually,” Emma replied, her heart racing as she said the words. “I’m pregnant.”

  She watched his face drain of colour, as his gaze quickly moved to her abdomen.

  “I don’t believe you!”

  “Well, you’d better believe me, because it’s no bloody joke.”

  The two of them stood there for a while, both silent as he tried to take in the news. “Emma, I don’t know what to say,” he said eventually. “This is . . . well, to be honest, I’m completely shocked.”

  The fact that he hadn’t immediately closed the door in her face, the fact that he looked almost . . . fascinated by this news, buoyed her a little. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe the two of them might just be able to muddle through. But just as quickly, Emma remembered what Eric had told her, remembered the reasons she’d kept this a secret in the first place. There was no future for her with this man – nor would there ever be.

  “But why didn’t you tell me before now?” he asked then.

  Emma looked quickly down at her feet. “I was going to, but then I heard from Eric that you’d . . . well, that you’d found someone else – someone serious.”

  He coloured slightly. “That’s true. But Emma, you and me, that night . . . well, to be honest, after that I did feel a bit strange . . . a bit confused, I suppose – and I felt I was back to square one again, back to not knowing what I wanted. But then, shortly afterwards, I met Nicky, and right away I knew I didn’t have to make a choice. It just felt right . . .”

  His words trailed off, as the aforementioned Nicky appeared behind him in the doorway.

  “Is everything OK, Colm?” he asked, glancing at Emma warily.

  Emma looked from one man to the other and all of a sudden felt very foolish indeed.

  Eric had been right; she’d been stupid to think that she had a chance just because the long-time object of her affection hadn’t been living an openly gay life. Colm had struggled for years with his sexuality (when they were younger, in this village an admission would have been impossible) and she’d been stupid to think that he would – or even could – change his mind.

  But you couldn’t help who you fell in love with, and unfortunately for her, Emma had been in love with Colm for a very long time. Despite what Eric had told her, despite what she knew herself to be true, for as long as Colm struggled, she’d always thought she was in with a chance.

  And when, a few months ago, just before taking the new job in Dublin, she’d worked her final shift alongside him in The Coffee Bean and Colm had brought her out for a farewell dinner and then back to his house to share a bottle of wine, Emma tried to take that chance.

  Colm was right, it had all been a laugh at first and, in fairness, she had more or less thrown herself at him, but at the time, he hadn’t refused. And over the days that followed, Emma had been certain that their night together had made things clearer for him, that it meant that for him all those years of experimentation and uncertainty were finally over.

  And she’d been right, albeit not in the way she’d anticipated. It appeared that their night together, along with Nicky’s subsequent appearance in the village – ironically to act as Emma’s replacement in the café – had made Colm decide on his path once and for all.

  Emma still recalled the devastation she’d felt when Eric had one day mentioned in passing that Colm had finally started a proper gay relationship. It had only been a few weeks since their night together, and she’d been too busy settling into her new job and new place in Dublin after the initial move to come home since.

  “So it seems Colm has finally bitten the bullet and decided to swing one way once and for all,” Eric had said with a grin.

  And thinking that Colm had told Eric about their night together, Emma smiled coquettishly.

  “Really? How so?” she’d asked, expecting Eric to start teasing her about it. But she’d nearly fallen off the chair when he told her Colm had begun openly seeing Nicky, some guy who’d recently moved to Castlegate and started working at the café.

  And then, to complete her upset and utter embarrassment about the situation, soon after that, she discovered she was pregnant. She immediately resolved not to tell Colm or indeed anyone else who the father was. Pregnant by the town gay? How mortifying!

  But now, it finally was all out in the open, and Colm knew everything.

  And strangely, Emma thought, as she stood on the doorstep outside his house, he didn’t seem all that upset by her news – certainly not as upset as she’d expected him to be at any rate. Yes, there would be plenty to sort out, but for some reason, Emma suspected that things mightn’t be that bad after all.

  Still slightly dazed, Colm looked from Emma to Nicky and back again. Then, he shook his head from side to side. “Emma, please come inside for a cup of coffee,” he said, smiling faintly at the absurdity of it all. “I think the three of us have a lot to talk about.”

  Back at the McGrath house, Liz was still trying to pick her jaw up off the floor.

  “Colm from the café?” she spluttered. “Gay Colm?”

  “I know,” Eric said shrugging. “Believe me, I was as surprised as you are. Although, probably not as shocked,” he added wryly. “Colm is a very confused man – has been for a very long time.”

  “I’ll say!”

  “Remember I told you before that he was a bit of a catch with the girls in the village when we were younger?” Eric shook his head in exasperation. “To be honest, over the years I think he’s had some sort of fling with most of the girls from around here.”

  Liz was still shaking her head. “Well, fair enough if he’s confused – I’ve known guys like that myself – but what on earth was Emma thinking? Colm’s in a relationship – with a man! Surely she didn’t expect him to forget all about that for her? I mean, I know she’s good-looking but she’s not that –”

  “He wasn’t with this guy when he and Emma . . . got together,” Eric explained. “And afterwards, she really thought she was in with a chance. Turned out it was the complete opposite. I felt a bit sorry for her, to be honest. She really was mad about him.”

  “I can’t believe this!” Liz gasped. “What kind of weird people live in this village?”

  Despite himsel
f, Eric raised a smile. “Look, I know it sounds a bit weird to you now, but you don’t know what Colm is like. Ask Tara – everyone here has always known that Colm wasn’t quite sure himself about his own sexuality, and all this excessive womanising was simply part of that. And, as you can probably imagine, it certainly wouldn’t have been easy for him to come out properly – not in Castlegate anyway. But then, when Nicky came along . . .” Eric shrugged, “he told me he’d eventually decided to hell with the begrudgers after all – he was happy with this person and he wasn’t going to give that up simply because of what people thought. I suppose the fact that he’s more mature and now much better able to handle it all helped.”

  “And times have changed – even in Castlegate.”

  “Yes. Look, Liz, Colm still doesn’t know Emma’s pregnant, by the way – undoubtedly as far as he’s concerned it was just another of his idiotic attempts at figuring out what the hell he wanted. Look, I know what you’re thinking, but believe me Emma’s realised just how stupid she’s been, and she’s terrified that it’ll get out that they’ve slept together. She hasn’t been keeping the father a secret because she’s afraid he’ll find out about it, Liz; she’s keeping it a secret because she’s embarrassed about the entire situation. Seducing the town gay? Think about it.”

  Liz didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She believed her husband when he said he hadn’t been cheating on her and that he’d been meeting Emma because they knew one another’s secrets. But she was still hurt that he hadn’t felt able to tell her about losing his job. She could imagine just how delighted the vindictive little cow would have been about finding out Eric’s situation and helping him keep it hidden from his wife.

  And she was convinced that Emma had in the meantime been purposely trying to plant seeds of doubt in her mind about Eric. Why else would she be blatantly sending him texts and making supposedly innocent phone calls? The bitch had known exactly what she was doing in trying to make her suspicious and it had worked! Though convincing Eric of this might be difficult, given that he seemed to see Emma as some kind of confidante.

  And although it still galled her to think that Eric and this horrible person had for the last while been meeting in secret to talk through their individual problems, she knew that she couldn’t say too much about it. They were old friends at the end of the day and there was nothing Liz could do to change that. Granted, she’d make sure Eric stayed well away from the little witch for the next while, and Liz would ensure she stayed well away from Emma herself – otherwise there was no knowing what she’d do!

  “So, now you know,” Eric said then. “Now you know that I wasn’t cheating on you. Although I can’t believe for one second that you would think something like that, and if I had known you’d even suspected it . . .” The rest of the sentence trailed off. “Liz, I love you so much. All I’ve ever wanted was to make you and Toby happy, to look after the two of you like my dad never did for me and my mum. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you I’d lost my job – at least not until I’d had a chance to try and find another one, a decent one. I just didn’t want to disappoint you.” He shook his head and took Liz’s hands in his. “You two are my life, and I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I would never sacrifice that – you’ve got to believe me.”

  Liz looked into her husband’s face and knew instinctively that he was telling the truth. OK, so she still didn’t fully understand his need to keep the news about his job a secret from her; after all it wasn’t as though he was sitting on his backside refusing to do anything else. He still was working – even if it was just in a bar. But Liz knew only too well that it was very difficult to try and live up to other people’s expectations, and sometimes even more difficult not to. She had to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  “I do know that, love,” she replied, squeezing his hand. “But I think you and I have a lot to sort out. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me, and doubly hurt that you felt able to confide in someone else. And it’s not a question of you having to take care of me and Toby. We’re a partnership and we look after one another.”

  “I know, but can you at least understand how all this happened? As far as I was concerned, it was all innocent between Emma and me. I had no idea you suspected anything about the two of us. As far as I was concerned, we were just two old friends discussing our individual troubles. Of course, Emma turned to me a lot because she didn’t have anybody else, and also because I know Colm well, so I could understand better than most why it had happened. She’s so embarrassed by it, Liz.”

  “And well she should be.”

  “But look, now that I’ve told you everything, including Emma’s private business, will you promise not to breathe a word to anyone about it? Not even Tara?”

  Liz sighed deeply as she thought about it. “Well, I don’t like the girl, you probably know that by now, but at the same time it’s none of my business what she does – thank God,” she added, eyeing Eric who smiled ruefully. “So I won’t say a word.” And despite all that had gone on these last few months, she felt a stab of pity for Emma and her pathetic existence.

  So what if Colm had been the love of her life but ultimately rejected her for a different lifestyle? All it meant was that for once Emma Harrington didn’t get what she wanted. But by pursuing such a foolhardy and destructive course of action, the girl had eventually ensured that she’d got a hell of a lot more than she’d bargained for.

  But thank God, thank God, it wasn’t Eric.

  Chapter 35

  “Tara, it’s Natalie.”

  It was the day after their return from London, and by the other girl’s tone Tara knew instinctively that she knew – that Jason had told her the whole sorry story. It was a relief in a way; it meant that she wouldn’t have to pretend anything if Natalie excitedly asked her what she thought of him.

  “Hi, how are you?” she replied guardedly.

  Natalie’s tone was solemn. “I know, Tara. I know about you and Jay. He told me everything. I can’t tell you how sorry I am to have put you through all this. I had no idea. I knew there was something familiar about him when I met him – maybe it was because he reminded me a little bit of Glenn – although obviously I didn’t know that at the time.”

  “How could you know? How could either of us have known that we had that much in common?” Tara attempted a short laugh. “But Natalie, please don’t let this affect your relationship with Jay. It was a long time ago – a lifetime ago – and it shouldn’t affect how you feel about him.”

  “It doesn’t,” Natalie said simply, and for reasons she couldn’t quite fathom, Tara felt a little wounded. “But look, that’s not the real reason I’m phoning. Jay is here, and he wants to talk to you.”

  Tara stopped breathing. “Natalie, no, I can’t –”

  “Please. He really wants to talk to you – to explain.”

  “Natalie, there’s nothing to explain – it was seventeen years ago. You and Jay should just get on with your lives and leave me and Glenn to get on with ours. I realise that you and I have been close this last while, but surely you realise now that our friendship can’t really continue?”

  “I understand that, but if our friendship ever meant anything to you, then can I ask you to just talk to him, just hear him out? After that, I promise I’ll leave you alone.” Then she sniffed. “But I’ll miss you, Tara – you’ve been a rock to me.”

  Tara’s heart went out to her. It wasn’t fair of Jason to involve her in this, to use her as a go-between in an attempt to salve his conscience. “I’ll miss you too, pet. But it’s better for both of us.”

  “Will you talk to him? For me?”

  Tara sighed. She might as well get this over with. “All right.”

  Then Natalie was gone, and before Tara had any real chance to prepare herself, Jay’s all too familiar voice appeared on the other end of the line.

  “Tara? It’s me,” he said, and immediately she tensed.

  “Pretty cowardly of you to get Natal
ie to do your dirty work, isn’t it?” she replied.

  “It wasn’t like that,” he said. “I knew it was the only way to get you on the phone.”

  “We have nothing to say to one another, Jason. You said it all seventeen years ago.”

  “I didn’t say anything,” he countered softly. “You wouldn’t let me. You’d hung up the phone before I even had a chance to think. Tara, the same day you rang me, I’d been out earlier shopping for stuff for college. It was a total shock, and I couldn’t think straight.”

  “How nice for you,” she said bitterly.

  “Look, what I mean to say is . . . that I wasn’t in the proper frame of mind to tell you what you needed to hear – which was that I’d try to support you every way I could. But I couldn’t say those words back then, Tara, because in all honesty I couldn’t be sure that I could support you at all. I had no job, no prospects – we didn’t even live in the same town for goodness sake!” When Tara said nothing, he continued. “I told my parents, who as you know were horrified and more than a little embarrassed. They’d visited and had friends in Castlegate for many years, and then their son goes and gets a local girl into trouble. They wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. I was confused, upset; I hadn’t a clue what was going on.”

  “And how do you think I felt?”

  “I know. Look, I’ll admit I tried at first to put it out of my head for a while, tried to convince myself – as my parents tried to – that there was nothing I could do. I was too young to provide for you properly, they told me, better to let your family rally round and help you out. And I thought that was what would happen – you were seventeen after all, barely out of school . . . so I thought I was doing the right thing – they’d convinced me I was doing the right thing. Looking back now, I know they were just trying to make sure I went to college and got my education. They didn’t want me wasting my life on some young girl I’d met on holiday. But they didn’t realise how close we were and how much I cared about you.”