Breathing For The First Time

by Mary E Thompson

  “You can tell me what the hell is going on.” I put my hands on my hips, daring him to challenge me.

  He looks around and spots a free table at the edge of the dance floor and asks me to sit with him. I turn back to Paige and Tiffany and point to the table. They nod and I let Tyler guide me to the table.

  He runs his hand through his hair when we sit down, buying time before he speaks. I want my hands running through his hair, to feel him close to me again. It’s not fair that he looks so amazing. His dark hair is pushed back form his face, but his chiseled jar shows a rough shadow that makes him look undeniably sexy. His blue shirt makes his eyes pop and I watch his muscles dance under the fabric. He’s nervous. His crystal blue eyes meet mine and I can see the regret on his face. I almost forgive him before I even hear what he has to say, but I stop myself.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I ask. I can’t sit here without answers. Being this close to him is like skydiving; it’s a rush that only stops when your feet hit the ground.

  He drops his shoulder, looking defeated. “I planned this trip months ago. Over summer break last year Rachel came to visit me at my parents’ house. We were still together. We talked about a cruise, going away with some friends, for spring break. Rachel is in her senior year, you know that, and she wanted a great last trip before she graduated. I thought it sounded fun, so I agreed. I didn’t even know you then.”

  I nod, understanding it was a long time ago, but I know there’s more so I keep quiet.

  “When we broke up over Christmas break, I told her I didn’t want to go on the trip. I knew she would still have fun since we’re here with her best friend and her boyfriend, but they’re also people I’m close friends with.

  “Rachel protested, saying I should still come and we can be friends. I told her I would think about it.”

  I get wanting to be friends with your ex. It’s hard to let go of someone you’ve shared so much with. But it still doesn’t tell me why he’s here.

  “When I asked you out, I decided I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t want to be in a position with her that would seem like, well, like it seems. I called Jon and told him I wasn’t going to come on the trip. He told me he was planning to propose to Jessica as we pulled out of the dock and he really wanted me to be here. I told him about my issues with Rachel, and about you, but he pushed hard. I didn’t want to let my friend down.”

  Tyler always does what others want, instead of what he wants. For once I wish he wasn’t such a nice guy.

  He continues, “When we left the dock, Jon proposed like he planned. Jessica said yes, of course. When you saw us that first night, we were celebrating.”

  “You looked pretty comfortable with her,” I try not to let the anger show through, but he hears it.

  He takes my hand in his and meets my eyes, “I’m sorry about that. A part of me fell back into what we had. She’s a good person, and we were celebrating with friends. I got wrapped up in the moment, and that’s when you walked in. Nothing is going on with her.”

  He stops and takes a deep breath. His eyes are pleading with me to forgive him, to accept what he’s telling me, but I know it’s not that easy.

  “Are you sharing a room with her?”

  Tyler opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. He drops his head and I know the answer before he confirms it. When he looks up at me again, his eyes are different, panicked.

  “Nothing is going on, I promise. She’s sleeping in her bed and I’m in mine. She knows it’s over between us. We’re friends, I swear. Do you have any guy friends?”

  I nod, thinking back to our group of friends in college. I’ve shared a bed with some of my friends before and nothing happened. But we also hadn’t been sleeping together a few months earlier.

  “I want to believe you, but this is hard for me. I felt like... I thought...”

  “I did, too, Brooke. I felt all the same things you did when we slept together. It felt right, we felt right. And I don’t want to mess that up. Please, Brooke, please give me another chance.”

  He takes my hands in his, his eyes begging me to trust him. I want to believe him. I want to know he’s telling me the truth. But I need time to process all this, maybe even Paige and Tiffany’s help.

  “I need some time. I want to believe you, but this is all hard. Seeing you with her is difficult. She’s still in love with you, and I don’t blame her. You’re comfortable with her, and you say it’s over, but watching you two, I’d never know that.”

  “I promise you, it’s over. I would never lie to you, Brooke. I care too much about you to risk what we have, what I hope we have.”

  I turn away from him, trying to keep it together. If I believe him, there’s no reason to stay away from him. But I still see the way they are together. I need time.

  Tyler says he understands when I ask him to give me some time. He says he won’t bother me again on the cruise and it’s up to me when I’m ready to talk again. He thanks me for listening to him, for giving him a chance to speak. But I can tell he was hoping I would jump in his arms and forgive the whole thing. He walks to the door with a defeated slump to his broad shoulders. He stops before he pushes through to look back at me. I give him a small smile and he looks lost, like he doesn’t know where he is or where to go.

  I know I’ve hurt him, but I need to make sure I don’t get hurt anymore.

  Once the door closes behind him, Paige and Tiffany are at my side. “Are you okay?” “Do you want to leave?”

  I tell them, “I’m not sure what I want. I think I’m going to head back to the room for a little while. Y’all have fun.”

  I get up and walk out of the club, climbing the stairs slowly to my room. I let the door close behind me and walk to the balcony to think. And to cry.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Tyler

  Twenty-four hours. It’s been twenty-four hours since I told Brooke the truth about everything. She said she would let me know something, but she still isn’t talking to me. I’ve seen her on the boat more today than any other day, at breakfast this morning, then at dinner. She glanced my way after dinner. And flashed me a look of pity.

  I’ve spent the time wishing there was something else I could say. If I could talk to her friends, or talk to her again I could convince her to give me another chance. If I could kiss her, she would know how much I want her, how much I want to be with her. She’s the only one I want. Even if she denies me now, I will find a way back to her. Brooke admitted that she felt the same way, she felt the same connection. If she felt it once, she will feel it again.

  But for now, I think I got my answer. This is too much. If she wanted to be with me, she would have told me by now. She’s had chances today. She doesn’t want me. I know there’s nothing I can do while we’re on this ship, surrounded by her friends. I need her alone, back at school. She’s got Jen, but Jen is my friend, too. Maybe she’ll help.

  I beg off plans with my friends after dinner, telling them I’m still not feeling well. It’s not a lie at this point. I’m sick. I can’t get Brooke out of my head. I can’t breathe without her.

  I find myself at one of the bars and sit down and ask for a drink. At this point I don’t even care what it is, I just want to be numb from the pain. The bartender asks if I’m okay, but I can’t explain what’s going on. I shake my head, but he gets it that I’m not going to talk.

  It only takes about three drinks before I start feeling better, feeling free. A few more drinks and memories of Brooke start to fade into the distance. It won’t take many more to forget her completely, at least for tonight.

  I spin my stool toward the rest of the room and take in the crowd. Most of the people out this late are couples cuddling against each other at small tables scattered throughout the space. The dance floor in here is pretty small, nothing like the dance club, but it’s still crowded. I think to last night when I was dancing with Brooke. Having her in my arms, feeling like we were okay, even for a few minutes, was en
ough to give me hope. But today, that’s gone.

  Brooke breezes into the bar, oblivious of my presence. It’s definitely over if she can walk into a room and not know I’m here. My body lights up every time she’s within a mile of me. But she doesn’t want me.

  She and her friends go straight to the dance floor. They are moving with the music and I can’t stand to watch her, and know I can’t touch her, go to her. I see a few guys at the bar watching them and know I need to leave before I have to watch her flirt with someone else.

  I find another bar and keep drinking, pushing away my thoughts of Brooke. She’s probably laughing with her friends, talking about how pathetic I was to think this would all go away. I’ll make it right one day. I have to.

  No matter how hard I try to push Brooke out of my head, she keeps coming back. I swallow each memory of her with another drink. I have no idea how many drinks I’ve had, but I can barely stand. With a nod to the bartender, I wobble away from the bar, knowing I need to find my room.

  I manage to locate the right floor and then walk it a few times before discovering my door. It takes a few tries, but I finally get the key in the lock and push through the door. I stumble to my bed and drop my clothes to the floor. I fall to the bed and the room spins violently. I’m not sure if it’s the boat or the alcohol, or both. The room stabilizes when I set my foot on the floor.

  I drift off quickly, falling into a deep sleep. And dream about Brooke.

  She enters my room. Her impossibly short dress is still dancing just below her ass. She walks to my side and asks if I’m okay. I tell her I can’t be okay unless she’s mine again. That nothing in life is okay without her. She whispers, “I’ll always be yours,” and my heart begins to heal.

  Brooke bends forward and presses a kiss to my forehead. I grab her wrist, not letting her get away. This may be a dream, but it’s my dream, and she’s the only thing I want.

  Brooke looks to the tent in my boxers and raises an eyebrow at me. I tell her, “You have that effect on me. Even in my dreams.”

  I reach up to her, but the room spins when I try to sit up. How am I so drunk in my dream? This sucks. But Brooke is here and that’s all that matters. She’s mine in my dreams, and no one can take that away.

  She leans forward and kisses me. It feels familiar, but strange in some way. I guess because it’s not real. I push away my thoughts, wanting to be with her, even if it’s only a dream. I’ll take her any way I can get her.

  Brooke climbs on top of me, straddling me between her legs. My fingers move to the edge of her dress and slide under to brush against her bare skin. I pull the dress up so I can touch more of her, and admire her. She helps me, pulling the dress over her head.

  Her soft white breasts glow in the moonlight streaming in through the porthole, standing out against her tanned skin. She presses down on top of me, her mouth meeting mine and her breasts smashed against me. My erection brushes the inside of her thighs. She gasps and sits up.

  She stands again, and removes her panties, guiding my hand between her legs. I’m drunk, but I can feel her wetness, her desire for me. I pull her closer and slide my fingers inside her, getting harder with the feel of her body around my fingers. I circle her nub with my thumb and pulse my fingers inside her until she moans and releases a crashing orgasm.

  She climbs back on top of me, pulling my erection through the hole in my boxers. She settles me inside of her, sitting up so I fill her body. She moves her hips against me, lifting herself off me and slamming back down hard. She twists my nipples as I plunge into her.

  My drunken dream state doesn’t let me last long and it’s over too soon. I would give anything to do that again, but I tell myself I’ll have another chance. I’ll dream her again.

  Brooke collapses on my chest, breathing hard against me. My erection shrinks and pulls out of her before she rolls to my side. She nuzzles under my arm, settling her head on my chest.

  I wrap my arm around her, and tell her, “Thank you. I’ve been hoping for that. This is the best dream I’ve ever had. I love you, Brooke.”

  “What?” she asks me, but I’m already passed out.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Brooke

  I’m completely in love with Grand Cayman. I don’t think I’ve seen a place more beautiful. Tiffany booked us on a shore excursion to swim with stingrays. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.

  When our boat pulled up to the sandbar, I didn’t understand why the sand was black. Then I noticed it was also moving and it wasn’t sand, but the stingrays swarming the water. Talk about stunning. And terrifying.

  We had a brief safety explanation then descended the ladder from the back of the boat onto the sand. At my height, the water was a little above my waist, something that surprised me since we were a mile or so off shore.

  Tiffany was the fearless one. She jumped right in there, picking the stingrays up and even feeding them. Paige wasn’t far behind her, quickly getting comfortable in the water with these beautiful creatures. I was terrified.

  One of the guides noticed I wasn’t interacting much and came to my side. He explained that the stingrays are used to people here, and that they naturally aren’t aggressive animals. One of the rays swam toward him and he easily lifted it from the water, the span of its fins reaching beyond the guide’s hands.

  His eyes met mine and he moved toward me, slowly handing the stingray off to my arms. As I stood there, holding this fascinating animal, I was surprised by how light it was for such a large creature. It tried sucking my neck, looking for food, but the guide delicately lowered it back to the water. He handed me a fistful of food then easily caught another stingray and showed me how to feed it.

  The subtle sucking of the stingray was gentle but effective. And I was hooked. I found Paige and Tiffany, both happily catching and feeding the five and six foot long fish. It gave me strength to see this, to do something I know I will never do again.

  The boost of confidence that experience gave me is leading me today. We’re back at sea for the day, our last full day on the ship. And today I’m going to find Tyler.

  Paige and Tiffany helped me last night. We talked through everything that has happened with Tyler and we all agreed he is being honest with me, and I should give him another chance. Relief washed over me when my friends agreed with me. I worried I was letting myself believe him because I wanted to and not because he’s the man I’ve come to know. I think Paige and Tiffany see that he’s a good guy, and they want to believe him.

  I really hope we can spend our last day together. I look for him at breakfast and at the pool, but don’t see him. He could be in the gym or even still sleeping. I’m not sure what room he’s in so I keep my eyes open, hoping to see him.

  Paige, Tiffany, and I go to the buffet for a late lunch. We slept in this morning, always our preference, but it seems everyone else did too. When we walk into the buffet area, I spot Tyler. My friends give me a nod and I go to Tyler where he’s piling his plate full of food.

  I walk up behind him and tap him on the shoulder. He turns to face me and I notice he looks like shit. His face lights up when he sees me, but he’s definitely not feeling well. My concern shows on my face when I ask if he’s okay.

  “Yeah,” he groans. “I had a lot to drink last night and I’m a little sick.”

  “Oh, okay, I’ll leave you alone then.” I turn to walk away, figuring he doesn’t want to talk when he’s hungover.

  Before I can take a step, Tyler grabs my arm and spins me around. “No,” he tells me, “you make me feel better about everything. Is there something you wanted to say?”

  His eyes give away his hope, expectation all over his face. I smile at his openness and tell him I’ve done a lot of thinking.

  “I believe you. I know you were telling me the truth about Rachel, and I believe you. I trust you.”

  Tyler beams at me. He whoops then scoops me up in his arms and spins me around. He sets me down and stumbles, no doubt dizzy from th
e alcohol and the spin. I reach out for his arm to steady him and he thanks me. “Will you have lunch with me?”

  I look toward Paige and Tiffany, “Well, I’m having lunch with my friends, but maybe you could join us? They’d love to meet you.”

  Tyler agrees and follows me to our table near the windows overlooking the ocean. I introduce Tyler and go back to the buffet for my own lunch. When I return to the table, Paige and Tiffany are laughing at something Tyler said. I smile watching my best friends getting along with my... boyfriend? Do I dare think that?

  I take the seat between Tyler and Tiffany and join the conversation. Tyler says, “Oh, did she tell you about when she lost it before our Principles of Psych mid-term last semester? It was right after you and Dante visited, Paige. She was sad because you just left and flipped out because she didn’t study enough. I studied the whole weekend y’all were in town since I didn’t have Brooke to hang out with. In class Monday she told me she was going to fail since she hadn’t studied so I told her I would help. I worked four days, then another two night with her, and she still got a better grade than me! I wish I had half her brains.”

  Paige and Tiffany laugh with Tyler. He looks at me appreciatively, and I glow under his gaze. I remember that week. It meant so much that he was willing to help me out.

  “Be glad she did well, Tyler. She’s even worse when she gets a bad grade!” Paige begins. I drop my head to the table, knowing what’s coming. I peek out through my fingers at Tyler who is watching the whole scene unfold with a smile on his face.

  “Yeah, don’t ever get between Brooke and her grades,” Tiffany tells him. “Our junior year Paige and I finished exams before Brooke.”

  “And we were ready to have fun!” Paige jumps in.

  “We knew Brooke needed to study so we called our friends to go out and leave Brooke alone.”

  “Ten minutes before we left, Brooke came out of her room looking hot and ready to party. We told her to stay home and study, but she insisted she needed a break and was done studying.”