Breathing For The First Time

by Mary E Thompson

  He spins us around and presses my back to the wall. I tighten my legs to lift myself above him as he slides from me. We slam back together and a moan pours from each of our lips. We repeat the process, each being pulled together and separate toward our own climax.

  I feel my body starting to let go and I press myself harder into Tyler, digging him deeper into me. I drop my head back and Tyler seizes the opportunity. He licks and kisses my neck, nipping my skin and drawing my orgasm out of me in waves of pleasure. I moan his name and feel him pouring into my body.

  Our bodies shudder together in a delicious release of our shared orgasm. I run my fingers through Tyler’s hair, caressing him and whispering kisses over his face. Tyler buries his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply and kissing my neck.

  He pulls back from me, meeting my eyes. Passion is still boiling over the surface, with intense satisfaction covering it all. “I guess a little teasing works for us.”

  His husky voice washes over me and I run my tongue along his jaw, “Oh, yeah, it definitely works.”

  Tyler lowers me to the floor then reaches for my hand, pulling me toward the door. “Come on, a little naked lunch might be just the teasing we need before round two!”

  I raise my eyebrows at him then follow him to the kitchen, laughing.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Tyler

  Easter weekend is always a big one in my family. My parents are very faithful Christians. Being the youngest I went along with all the holiday traditions. Easter was one of the holidays that didn’t really do much for me, but I wanted to be with Mom and Dad.

  This year is different.

  For undergrad I was close to home. School was only a few hours away from Mom and Dad. LSU is a great school, and I had a lot of fun there, but family came first. I would make the drive home to Houston to be with my family. Being in South Carolina makes things harder.

  Dad offered to pay for a plane ticket for me to come home, but it would be a lot of travel and a very short stay. Plus, it would mean three days away from Brooke. I don’t think I could have lived without her for that long. Sappy, I know. The last month together has been unbelievable. She’s stunning and simply amazing, there’s no other word for it. My life wouldn’t be the same without her.

  She gave up being with her family for Easter, telling them she has to study for finals. She said they believed her, but that all she wants to study is me. We made love after she said that. Twice.

  My roommates have been giving me shit about being with Brooke all the time. They’re good guys, but we’re all in different programs, so I don’t know any of them too well. I like being at Brooke’s place because we can be alone, and don’t have to worry about an interruption or my roommates getting into our business.

  I pack a bag with a few things. I know we plan to stay in so I don’t need much. If I have my way, it’ll be a naked weekend, but I’m not sure Brooke is up for that. I make sure to at least pack my toothbrush and deodorant. I throw in a couple of t-shirts and an extra pair of shorts. She told me she likes me in white boxers so I went out and bought some new ones just for this weekend.

  I’d do anything for that woman.

  After a quick shower, I pull a towel around my waist and shake my head to dry my hair. I slide on a pair of white boxers, smiling and knowing Brooke will be the one to take them off. I slip khaki shorts over them and pull on a sky blue shirt.

  My phone rings as I grab my bag. It’s Rachel. I don’t want to answer it, but we’re trying to be friends. I slide the arrow and say, “Hey Rachel, what’s up?”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Brooke

  We finally have a long weekend. It’s Easter weekend, but I told my parents I had too much studying to do for finals. I hated lying to them, but I wanted to spend the time with Tyler and I knew they wouldn’t understand.

  We plan to spend the entire weekend cooped up in my apartment, eliminating the outside world. I have no intentions to do anything except get lost in Tyler. I think he feels the same.

  I picked up some supplies at the store for us. We said we didn’t even want to leave for food so I bought snacks and food to cook dinner. We’re testing out cooking together and I look forward to trying a few new ideas from Pinterest this weekend.

  I hear a knock on my door and dance over to open it. My breath stops when I see Tyler. Something is wrong.

  “Are you okay?” I manage. I step back to let him inside. He follows me in, not speaking, not touching me.

  Tyler walks to my couch and sits down. He looks catatonic and I’m getting really worried. I touch his arm and say, “Ty, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

  “I... I can’t. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry, about what? You didn’t do anything. What’s going on? Talk to me.” Panic rises in my gut. What could be so bad?

  “I don’t know how to say it. You’re going to hate me. You’re never going to talk to me again. I-”

  “Stop. Stop, we’re fine. You can’t say anything that would make me hate you. Just tell me what’s going on.”

  Tyler looks terrified. He takes a deep breath and reaches for my hand. His blue eyes meet mine and all I see is sadness and pain.

  “Rachel’s pregnant. It’s mine. The baby is mine.”

  The room spins as all the air is sucked out. I hear blood pounding in my ears and see Tyler’s face, but I feel like I’m falling. I’m suffocating.

  A tear falls from Tyler’s eye. I’ve never seen him cry, I’ve never seen any man cry. I don’t know what to do while my heart shatters in my chest.

  “How?” is all I manage.

  “On the cruise. I went to you. You said you needed to think. You were going to get back to me, but I didn’t hear from you. I thought it was over. I thought we were over. I was so upset and I went drinking. I hit every bar on the ship and barely made it back to my room.”

  I want to stop him, but I can’t. I don’t want to hear about him and Rachel, but I know I have to.

  “I had a dream. You came to me and we slept together. But is wasn’t a dream, it was Rachel. In the morning I woke up and I was alone. I threw up for two hours and it never occurred to me that it wasn’t a dream. I really thought it was a dream. I even called her Brooke.”

  “But now she’s pregnant,” I finish for him.

  We sit on my couch in silence. I hear cars passing by the window outside, horns blasting, the sounds of the city around us. I am numb. I don’t know what to say or do. He’s still holding my hand, but it’s different now. Everything is different.

  “What... what are you going to do?” I ask, afraid of the answer. Tyler will take care of her. He’ll probably marry her. He always does the right thing.

  He looks at me. His pain is shouting to me. He is begging me to forgive him, but I know it wouldn’t matter. Forgiving him is not going to release him of his obligation to Rachel and their child.

  “I don’t know, Brooke. I don’t know what to do.” The tears fall down his face now and he buries his head in my neck. I hold him close and cry with him. I cry for the child that isn’t mine, for the love that’s slipping through my hands, for our broken hearts.

  “This isn’t how I wanted to spend the weekend. I never imagined this would happen. I’m just so confused.”

  His face twists into anger as the pain drops away. “How could she do this to me?”

  I pull him close again and kiss his head like a child’s. “Shh, don’t worry about that now. Let’s just go out for a walk or something.”

  “No, I just want to be here with you. I know that’s asking a lot of you, but I need you right now. I know you must hate me and I’ll leave if you want me to.”

  Tyler starts to get up but I pull him back to the couch with me. I push him down on the couch and lie down in front of him, pulling his arm tight around me. I flip on the TV that neither of us will watch and find a movie to fill the silence.

  I feel Tyler’s breath heavy on my neck and realize he’s asleep. I
let my thoughts wander, trying to figure out how I feel about this.

  How I feel about his baby.

  With Rachel.

  Fresh tears fall from my eyes. I know this is the last weekend I will have with Tyler. He will go back to Rachel. He will do the right thing. And I’ll have to tell him I’m okay with it.

  But I’m not okay with it.

  No, it’s not fair to his child to grow up without both of his or her parents, but is it fair to have this child grow up in a house where his parents aren’t in love?

  Or maybe they are.

  Could he still love her?

  He looks so upset. He looks like he’s as heartbroken as I am. And he cried. He can’t be happy about this if he’s crying, right?

  But I can’t ask him to give up his child to be with me. It’s not fair.

  Shit, none of this is fair. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to us. It’s not fair to his child.

  But I have to let him do the right thing. No matter how much it hurts.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Tyler

  “Hi, Dad,” I say into the phone. My dad is the only one I know who can help me.

  “Hey, Ty,” his voice booms over the distance. “How goes it?”

  “Not great, Dad. I need some advice.”

  “Okay, shoot.”

  I’ve never been one of those people who feels like I need my parents. I mean, I love them, but I think of myself as being fairly independent. But right now, I know I need my dad’s advice.

  My dad is a big guy, a former offensive lineman for LSU. But growing up with three sisters, Dad has always been a sensitive person. Also, with Mom’s depression, there were plenty of times when Dad was the only one there for us.

  He coaches football for eight to ten year olds back home, but works as a construction foreman. He is one of the smartest people I know, always planning ahead. Even though the housing market in Texas has declined, like everywhere else, Dad put away money just in case something like that happened. Now he’s able to take on jobs as they come up instead of bouncing around to find whatever is available.

  I admire him. He has such an ease about him. Of course, this is why I called him.

  I fill my dad in on the situation. He has met Rachel a few times. In the years we dated she came to the house to visit over breaks from school. She lives 100 miles from my parents so getting together over school breaks was always easy.

  I’ve also told him about Brooke. He knew I broke up with Rachel because of Brooke. He was the first one I called when Brooke said she’d go out with me. He knows we’ve been together, and that I’ve been happier than ever with her.

  But now that Rachel is pregnant, everything changes. I know Dad will help me figure out what to do.

  “Shit, boy, you must have been pretty drunk. Why would you do that?”

  I sigh, knowing he’s right. “I was upset, Dad. I really thought Brooke was done with me. I thought it was over and I couldn’t take it. I never thought... you know.”

  “That Rachel would take advantage of you? Or sleep with you when she knew you were pining over someone else? Maybe even take things into her own hands, and try to remind you how great you were together? What, son? She was trying to salvage the relationship she used to have with you.”

  My thoughts drift back to the cruise and Rachel walking around the room in little or no clothes, hanging on me every day, and all the ‘jokes’ she made about us. Maybe this wasn’t an accident.

  I shake my head, “Do you really think she did it on purpose? I mean, shit, I told her I’d been hoping it would happen, but I thought it was Brooke. Do you think she started something to try to get me into bed?”

  My dad lets out a long breath and pauses, searching for the right words. “I don’t know, Ty. Rachel always seemed like a nice girl, but a broken heart can make you do stupid things. It made you get fall-down drunk. Maybe it made her take advantage of you. But does it matter?”

  “Does it matter? You’re damn right it matters. If she tricked me then-”

  “You still got her pregnant,” Dad cuts me off. “You’re still responsible for that child, whether you knew what you were doing or not.”

  I sit back, the breath knocked out of me. He’s right, and I know it, but it’s not fair. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I push harder on the cruise to show her we’re over?

  “I know Dad. You’re right. I just don’t see a future with Rachel. I want a future with Brooke. I wish she were the one carrying my child right now.”

  “That’s a pretty bold statement, buddy.”

  I drop back to my bed, guilt washing over me for feeling the way I do. I can’t stop wondering if Dad is right about Rachel. She was throwing herself at me pretty hard through most of the cruise. Could she have done this on purpose? Maybe not getting pregnant, but sleeping with me knowing I thought she was Brooke?

  “I know Dad, but it’s the truth. I know Brooke and I haven’t been together for long, but if there’s someone I want to be facing this with, it’s her.”

  “So, how does she feel about all of this?” Dad’s tone changes. He softens when speaking about the woman I love, a woman he’s never met. I know Dad trusts me. He doesn’t have to know Brooke to know how wonderful she is.

  “She keeps telling me that it’s up to me. I don’t think she wants to force me into a decision. Like it isn’t her place or something.”

  “Well, if you plan to build a life with this woman, it’s definitely her place. That kid could be her step-kid one day. But if she’s pushing you to make a decision alone, maybe she doesn’t feel that way. Do you know she wants to be with you? Has she told you that?”

  Fear about Brooke’s true feelings mix with those about Rachel trying to trap me. I don’t think I know anything anymore. But I still have a harder time questioning Brooke than I do Rachel. I push Dad’s doubts from my head, telling myself that what I feel is not one-sided. I know Brooke feels the same, but no, she hasn’t said it. Then again I haven’t either.

  My silence answers Dad’s question and he tells me I need to figure a few things out. Starting with where things stand with Brooke.

  I hang up with Dad, feeling worse than I did before our talk. I need to talk to Brooke, but all our conversations end the same way these days. She asks what I’m going to do and I tell her I don’t know.

  I wish I could tell her how I really feel. How will she look at me if I tell her I wish this baby didn’t exist? I can’t even look myself in the mirror without feeling the shame of that admission.

  How can I feel that way about my own child?

  Maybe I should just go back to Rachel. She’s familiar and I could probably learn to love her again. Being in Texas, or Louisiana, means I’ll never see Brooke again. I couldn’t handle seeing her again if we aren’t together. Watching her with someone else would make me crazy. Just imagining it is making me feel sick.

  But the truth is, I want Brooke, not Rachel. And it’s not fair to Rachel, or to me, or Brooke, to be with Rachel when I’m not really in it. Being with someone for the sake of the kids doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s better to figure out a life apart, to decide how to raise a child when we’re not together from the beginning. It won’t be easy, but it’s what’s best for the baby.

  Now I just need to figure out what exactly I’m going to do. And how.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Brooke

  This is the last thing I need to be worried about. I should be focusing on finals, we both should be, but instead Tyler is coming over tonight so we can talk about the situation with Rachel. He can’t figure out what to do and he wants me to help him.

  But how do I sit here and tell him I want him to stay with me? He needs to take care of his child. Even if we end up together, it’s not right for him to abandon his kid. If I put myself in Rachel’s shoes, I would want the father of my child around. He should be near Rachel and the baby so he can be a part of their life, whether he and Rachel are together or not.
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  I was blessed with my family growing up. My parents loved each other, and they still do. My mom got pregnant with me before they were married, but they chose to stay together. I know that isn’t always the right answer, but Tyler still has a responsibility to his child.

  And if he doesn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life, what does that say about the person he is?

  It’s all just confusing for me.

  I pick up my phone, knowing I need to get my head straight before he gets here. I call the one person I know will tell me the truth, and can give me some perspective.

  “Mom?”

  “Hi Brookey, how are you sweetie?” She sounds so happy, and I hate to ruin that.

  “Mom, I need your help,” I say, trying to keep the panic from my voice.

  She hears it anyway, “Brooke, sweetie, what’s wrong?”

  I lose it when I hear the concern in her voice. I feel like I’m disappointing her, and I didn’t do anything wrong. “Mom, I need some advice.”

  “Brooke, you’re scaring me. Are you okay?” she asks. Her voice is calm and steady, her vet’s voice. It’s the one she uses when talking to sick animals, and their owners, before delivering bad news.

  “I’m okay, Mom. I promise. I’m sad. And I need your help.”

  I hear the chair scrape the floor of her office. She’s not seeing patients today, but she goes in on Sunday afternoons to catch up on paperwork and review the previous week. Mom always has two or three interns and she likes to make sure they see different things. I know she’s setting up their schedule for next week, finding the right cases for each of them to follow.

  “What’s going on, Brooke? Is everything okay with school? And Tyler?”

  “No, everything is not okay. Not with me and Tyler at least.” I fill Mom in on the latest with Rachel’s pregnancy and Tyler’s decisions.

  “Wow, baby girl, it sounds like you’ve gotten yourself in the middle of a mess,” Mom says. Her tone is even, but I can hear a hint of something else, disappointment, or maybe concern. “I’m guessing if you’re calling me it means you’re wrapped up in all this. Is Tyler pressuring you into something?”