Breathing For The First Time

by Mary E Thompson

  Jen laughs, “No, but you made a valiant attempt last night. You were on a mission.”

  I cringe, barely able to remember the night, but know it was bad based on how I feel right now.

  “I’m never drinking again,” I mumble, knowing it isn’t true as soon as the words escape my lips.

  Jen laughs, no doubt having said the same words a time or two in her past. “Tyler messed you up worse than I thought. But I am sorry. Oh, you tried to drunk dial him, but I stopped you. At least when I found you I did. I’m not sure if you called when I wasn’t there, or wasn’t looking. You might want to check your phone.”

  A fresh wave of nausea grips me and I lift the lid again, trying to empty what’s no longer there.

  I finally manage to pull out my phone and scroll through my calls from yesterday. “Shit,” I mumble. Yep, I called him. It was a three minute call. That could mean I talked to him or that I left him a message. I try to pull something out of my memory, but it’s all blank from last night.

  “Sorry, hun,” Jen says before leaving the room.

  I stand up, holding onto the vanity while I wait for the room to stop moving. I splash cold water over my face and feel slightly better. I emerge from last night’s bedroom and am met with the smell of breakfast. My stomach rumbles and churns at the same time, but I keep it together.

  I pad into the kitchen of Jen’s apartment, a place I’m not very familiar with. Becca greets me and tells me she hopes it was okay that she took the guest room. She looks as adorable as yesterday in a tiny tank top with a pink crown across the front and matching pink shorts. I give her the best smile I can muster and say, “Yeah, I think I was right where I needed to be.”

  She laughs, a sweet melodic sound. She motions to the table where I see eggs, bacon, and pancakes piled high on plates. “I’ve been drunk more times than I want to remember. You need some energy, and this should help you feel better.”

  I thank her, secretly wondering if she’s an angel, and start filling a plate with breakfast.

  Once I’ve eaten I feel much better and know I’ll survive. It baffles me how eating on such a weak stomach helps, but it does. I wish I had learned my lesson the last time I did this, but it’s been a while.

  The next lesson I need to learn is that when I’m drinking I need to surrender my phone to someone sober. I have no idea what I said to Tyler. I can’t call him. I won’t call him. I’ll just pretend it never happened and maybe he’ll leave me alone.

  Jen gives me a ride home after breakfast and I carry myself to bed. I slept on the floor of her bathroom, but know I need to recover some more. I crash for a few hours, trying to forget that I called Tyler.

  I wake up to my alarm going off and see it’s dark outside. I hit the alarm, but it doesn’t go off. I realize it’s my phone and I answer before looking at the screen.

  “Hello,” I mumble.

  “Well, I guess that answers my first question,” Tyler’s voice fills my head and I jump up, dizzy, this time more from him than the alcohol.

  “Shit,” I whisper. I don’t know what to say to him.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes... no... I don’t know. I called you last night, didn’t I?” I hang my head in shame.

  “Yeah, you did. You sounded drunk. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m, um, I guess I’m better now. Jen took care of me, I stayed with her last night.”

  Tyler hesitates before responding.

  “I’m really sorry Brooke. I should be there with you.”

  “No, you’re right where you should be. Don’t...”

  My emotions overwhelm me and I start to cry. I can’t help it. I love him too much. It’s stupid, but I do. I love him. And I’ll never be with him.

  “Brooke, listen. About what you said last night -”

  “Ty, look, I don’t remember calling you. I don’t have any idea what I said.”

  I hear him take a deep breath, as if he’s trying to decide how much to tell me. I couldn’t have said that much in three minutes, right?

  He recites my words, his voice rehearsed like he listened to my message more than once, and then memorized it. “You said you love me. You said you want me to come back to you and that we can make it work. You said you want to get over me, but you can’t because you love me too much.”

  Oh, shit. I can’t believe Jen let me do that. No, I can’t blame her. She tried to stop me. I must have called when she wasn’t around. How could I do that?

  “Ty, listen, I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was saying. It’s okay. I know you’re trying to make things work with Rachel. I told you to go and figure things out with your family. Don’t worry about me, okay. Just, make things right for your baby. I’ll be okay.”

  I choke on my words. I want to tell him I meant every word of it. That I love him and want him. But I know I can’t do that. I told him I wanted us to be together before he left. But he owes it to himself to figure out what he wants from Rachel and what she wants from him. The whole reason I didn’t go with him is so he could figure it all out.

  Tyler’s breath is ragged. I can hear him over the phone and I can’t tell if he’s crying or just trying to figure out what to say.

  “Are you sure that was it?”

  “Yeah, Ty, I’m sure. We’re good. You have more important things to worry about. Forget about me, and be happy with your life.”

  “I’m not going to forget about you, Brooke. We agreed that I was going to be here for a month. I’m coming back. As far as I’m concerned we’re still together. I’m not with Rachel.” There’s anger in his voice, and it gives me hope. Still, he needs to be free to be with Rachel if he wants to be.

  “Maybe you should be,” I whisper. The words slip out before I realize I’m thinking them. I don’t mean it, but I feel like I need to let him go, give his child the family every child deserves.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you, Brooke. I’m not going to be with Rachel, even if you decide you don’t want me anymore,” his sadness overwhelms me. I want to hold him and tell him we’ll figure it out, but I know I can’t. He needs to figure this out on his own.

  “Just spend time with your family, Ty. Everything will work out.”

  “Yeah, okay, Brooke. I, uh, I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

  “Goodbye Tyler.”

  “Bye Brooke.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Tyler

  I hang up the phone and drop to the floor. What the hell happened? Brooke told me to forget about her. All I’ve done since I’ve been here is think about her. God, I’m such an idiot. I never should have left her.

  I knew she was going to push me away as soon as I was gone. I knew being away from her was going to ruin everything between us. Maybe I should have brought her with me. She could have met my parents and my sisters, Ruth and Ann.

  No, she didn’t want to come. It would have thrown her into the middle of the mess with Rachel. I’m going with her to two of her doctor’s appointments, and it wouldn’t be fair to Brooke to be there.

  Shit, I just wish none of this had happened.

  Dad walks into the kitchen while I’m sitting on the floor. His heavy footsteps make me jump and I scramble back to the table. He turns and sees my face. Silently he reaches into the fridge and pulls out two beers, twisting the tops off with ease, and drops one in front of me.

  I offer a tentative smile and thank him.

  “Now what happened? You didn’t just find out you got someone else pregnant, did you?”

  I glare at him, not amused.

  He thinks it’s hysterical and his round belly shakes with his laughter. His size never left him after he stopped playing football, but the muscles disappeared and a softer man emerged.

  “Well, we know it’s not that bad, so what’s going on?”

  Seriousness returns to his face, laced with concern. All the women in Dad’s life have made him more sensitive than I’ve ever been. I think football was a way to
show he was a man, but he’s as sensitive as any woman out there.

  I tell him about the message from Brooke, and the call I just had with her. He listens intently, seeming to toss the words around in his head. When he speaks, he looks like I feel. “Do you believe her? About wanting you to forget her? Or do you think she’s putting on a brave face for your sake?”

  “I don’t know, Dad. I want to believe she’s just saying that, but I don’t know. She’s been so distant since I’ve been here. I know she’s hurt, but I wish she would talk to me. I don’t know what to think now. Do I believe drunk Brooke or sober Brooke?”

  Dad takes a long drink from his beer, pausing to figure out which Brooke is telling the truth. “I guess I believe alcohol lowers our inhibitions and makes us say and do things we otherwise wouldn’t have the courage to do. My guess is she’s a good person. Maybe she’s seen broken families and doesn’t want to be the cause of one. But after an endless amount of drinks, her brain couldn’t stop her from telling you the truth.”

  I flinch, unable to meet his eyes, “What does that say about me and Rachel?”

  “That you’re a dumb-ass,” Dad says without hesitation. I can’t argue with him though.

  “Does Brooke know you’re here with us and not with Rachel?”

  “I don’t know. Probably not. We really haven’t talked much. She knows Rachel and I dated in college, but I’m not sure if she knows Rachel lives 100 miles from here. She knows Rachel just graduated. She probably figures I’m living with her. She told me to come back here and figure things out.”

  “Well, I’d say that’s the first thing you need to clear up. Make sure she knows you’re not with Rachel, that you’re here. And if you love her, dammit boy, tell her.”

  “I wish it were that easy, Dad.”

  “You know it is.”

  I finish my beer in one swallow, not knowing how to talk to my dad about love. “She’ll think I’m crazy. It’s only been two months since our first date. If I tell her that I’m in love with her, she’ll laugh at me.”

  “Ty, did I ever tell you about your mom and I, how we met?”

  I shake my head. It never occurred to me to ask how my parents met. I know they were at LSU together and they got together there, but I never wondered about the rest of the story. I just accepted they’ve always been together.

  “Your mom and I, we met in college. I saw her at orientation and thought she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She was wearing a long pink skirt and a white sweater. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail, and her blue eyes shined all the way across the room. She looked like an angel.”

  Dad’s eyes drift off and I know he’s seeing her all over again. I can picture her too, imagining Dad as a young man watching her.

  “I wasn’t the only one. She was surrounded by other guys. I never figured I’d have a chance with her, but I knew I had nothing to lose. We were all in an auditorium, listening to the professors tell us about campus. When we broke up into groups, I made sure I was in her group.”

  I smile, imagining my dad, afraid, but fearless at the same time.

  “I worked my way to her side and asked if I could sit with her at lunch. She smiled at me and I knew I’d never be the same.”

  A thoughtful smile crosses his face and I think back to the first day I met Brooke. She was already seated in class and I saw her sitting there, talking to someone. I took the seat on the other side of her and waited for her conversation to stop. I introduced myself and shook her hand. That first touch ignited my skin like nothing ever had. I knew I needed her in my life.

  When the professor told us we needed to pair up with someone as a study partner, he asked us to work with the person next to us. Before she could turn the other way, I asked her to work with me. She smiled at me. I felt complete.

  Dad jumps back to his story, “At lunch I asked your mom to come to a party with me that weekend. I had no idea where I’d find a party but figured I could ask some of the other players. She agreed and our second date was set.

  “The party was fine, but I didn’t drink since I didn’t want to mess up my scholarship. Your mom didn’t drink either since she was underage and not willing to get in trouble. We talked at the party, about our life, our dreams, our families. I fell in love with your mom that night. We were sitting on a porch swing, avoiding the sounds of the party inside.”

  He looks up at me, meeting me eyes. His eyes glisten with the memory. “I asked your mom to marry me that night. I told her I loved her and I didn’t ever want to be without her. And do you know what she said?”

  I shook my head, captivated by a story I never could have imagined.

  “She said yes. She didn’t hesitate. She didn’t tell me we were too young. She didn’t tell me it was too soon. She just said yes.”

  I’m blown away. I mean, you hear these stories, but I never imagined my parents were those people who fell in love at first sight.

  “We waited until after graduation to get married, but we never wavered from each other. The best love is the love you don’t question. The love that makes you feel like you hadn’t lived or breathed before. You never had that with Rachel. If you did, you would have asked her to marry you a while ago. But with Brooke, I see it in your eyes. I know it’s there. And chances are, it’s there for her, too. That sort of love isn’t one-sided.”

  “I sure hope not, Dad, I hope not.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Brooke

  Everything around Columbia reminds me of Tyler. I think about our classes, going to dinner or dancing, our first date at the baseball game, and making love. Every street reminds me of the day we went running together. And The Strom makes me think of how that day ended.

  I have to get out of town. Since I promised Tiffany I would visit her this summer, I’m on my way. I’m headed to Buffalo, New York.

  My flight lands and I grab my carry-on suitcase. Tiffany is waiting for me just outside the security area. She pulls me into a huge hug before looping her arm through mine and guiding me to her car.

  Tiffany is from a suburb of Buffalo. She moved back home when we graduated college last year. She teaches high school math, but doesn’t seem too happy here. School is still in session, but she’s off for Memorial Day Weekend and assured me there are plenty of parties to distract me.

  Tiff drives to her apartment and lets us in. She shows me around her place and I realize it’s very similar to mine. She painted her walls deep, rich colors. Her kitchen is a chocolate color with matching counters and white cabinets. The living and dining rooms are a dark red wine color. She painted her bedroom and bathroom a stunning wasabi green color, her favorite color. The whole place is gorgeous.

  I toss my bag in her room and we flop on her new tan couch in the living room. “Okay, you’re here. Can you tell me what the hell is going on now?”

  Tiffany tells it like it is. She’s a great teacher because she doesn’t let the kids get away with anything and doesn’t let the parents place blame on her. With Tiffany, everything is facts, not emotions.

  “I had to get out of Columbia. Everywhere I go reminds me of Tyler and I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “Have you heard from him since your drunk dial two weeks ago?”

  I shake my head, unable to tell her he’s doing what I asked, he’s leaving me alone.

  “I know it’s hard, hun, well, I can see it is. I guess I don’t really know. But maybe it’s better that he doesn’t call you. I mean if the city reminds you of him, hearing his voice might rip you apart.”

  “I know. I guess I just hoped he would decide to be with me. It’s selfish, but I hoped he would pick me instead of Rachel and the baby.”

  I cry again, for probably the hundredth time in the last few weeks. Tiffany pulls me into a hug and tells me her parents invited us over for dinner. I don’t know Tiffany’s family well, but she’s always been close to them. She has three younger brothers that she is fiercely protective over.

  Ti
ffany tells me she has some friends that are dying to meet me also and that she has lots of fun planned for us over the next few days. I’m honestly looking forward to new people, new situations, and hopefully starting to heal.

  Shit, Tyler is hard to get over.

  Dinner with Tiffany’s family is a blast. Her mom, Barbara, reminds me of Peggy, Diane, and Terri, the women we shared a table with on the cruise. She is warm and friendly, so kind and welcoming. It feels like being home with my mom for how much she’s doting on me.

  Tiffany’s brothers are hysterical. Tom, Tim, and Travis, yes, their parents liked T, are typical boys. Tom is going into his senior year of college, Tim will be a senior in high school, and Travis will be a high school sophomore this year. They spend most of the time we’re there wrestling, arguing, and throwing a football or baseball around. At least until Barbara throws them outside before they break something.

  Their dad, Tony, is a big strong guy, a mechanic at one of the car dealerships in town. He taught all four of them everything he knows about cars, which came in handy more than once in college. Being with the Wright’s really shows me Tiffany can handle being a teacher without any issue. Although I imagine it’s weird teaching her brothers.

  A family dinner is exactly what I need tonight. I laugh, talk, and learn more about Tiffany than she probably ever wanted me to know. It’s nice to have a low-key evening after traveling all day. Tiffany is just as tired as I am after working all week so we go back to her place before her brothers head out to various friends’ houses.

  We spend the night in our pj’s. It’s great to climb onto the couch to watch movies and forget life for a few hours. It’s a good end to the day, and even though I think about Tyler, I still feel better being with Tiffany.

  The next day Tiffany insists on visiting the local landmarks, especially Niagara Falls. I didn’t think to bring my passport so we stay on the US side of the Falls, riding the Maid of the Mist boat into the Niagara River up to the base of the Falls. We walk around the casino and wander the grassy area around the Falls, enjoying the beautiful late spring weather.