Tony nodded, a look of relief plain on his face. “Okay. Deal. And I’m going to use my discretion, too. Just remember, if you let it go too long, we won’t be able to get to you until after it’s over. And then there may not be time to stage any dramatic rescues. The real one might be all we’ve got.”
Chapter 9
Logan returned to the cottage before dark, secreting the little box of supplies Sabrina had given him under the kitchen sink. He stood to find Rachel in the bedroom door, yawning, her eyes still closed. He stepped away from the sink. “Hey. Feel better?”
She dropped her arms to her sides, her expression unreadable. “Not sure I’d go that far. Were you outside? I thought I heard the door close.”
“Just checking the weather. Looks like a storm coming.” He narrowed his eyes, studying her. Something was different and he suspected it had to do with the tears he’d seen earlier. Deciding not to push, he added as he turned casually, “Won’t be here before tomorrow, I don’t think.”
She nodded. “Good.” Her gaze wandered, her expression vacant. “I don’t want a storm now.”
He didn’t like the look on her face and he stepped forward. “I’ve been thinking…maybe you should learn tai chi.”
Her eyes turned back to him, dark in the evening light. “Why would I do that?”
“It’s a great way to….pass the time.” He didn’t want to say “release tension” because it seemed to hit too close to a mark he’d tried to avoid. “I’m not an instructor, but I could teach you a few basic moves. We could do it together in the morning.”
“Are you worried I’m going to get bored?” Her lips twisted with humor, which was not what he was going for, but much better than vacancy. She raised her eyebrows. “Let’s see, plane crash, jungle hike, excellent dinner last night, first taste of Scotch, swimming in a private lagoon today… Nope. Haven’t been bored yet.”
“You haven’t had a chance yet.” He moved behind her and placed his hands on her hips, feeling her tense. “Relax. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“I never thought you would.” Her voice sounded like taut guitar strings.
“Good.” He left his hands on her hips and moved close enough so his lips were almost against her right ear. “Push your hips forward a little and bend your legs. Feels kind of like you’re getting ready to sit down. Not squatting, just a subtle bend in your posture.”
“This might go better if I’d had a shower and changed my clothes since our swim.” Her voice sounded a little breathless and he smiled. Her response reassured him she wasn’t retreating into depression. He led her through a couple of introductory moves, moving in concert with her, concentrating as hard as he could on the peaceful sensation of the exercise, willing it to pass from his body to hers.
She adapted to the gentle motion of the tai chi easily, as he’d known she would. Within minutes, they were moving together, several inches separating them, but somehow bound together in a rhythm he’d felt flowing through him earlier as he stood on the edge of the jungle. As they paused at the end of the last movement, he felt the skin of his palm tingle with longing to broach the space and touch her. He stepped back. “Great. That’ll get you started. Now all you have to do is get up early enough tomorrow to practice with me.”
She glanced over her shoulder, expression eager for praise. “How’d I do?”
He pretended to consider. “It’ll get easier.”
“What?” She blinked, startled.
“The moves. The more you do them, the easier they get.” He kept a straight face.
“You didn’t like the way I did them?”
He snorted. “You’re not going to master tai chi in one day, sweetheart. Doesn’t matter how devoted to the art you are.”
“Maybe I’m not looking to master tai chi.” She crossed her arms over her chest petulantly.
“I don’t know of many things you can master in one day.”
Her stance changed as if he’d issued a challenge. She grinned. “No matter how devoted to the art you are?” She looped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
Caught off guard—again—by her innate sensuality, he’d already responded, pulling her firmly against him, enjoying the taste and feel of her, his heart still synchronized to hers from the tai chi. But the niggling voice in his head wouldn’t stop whispering that she wasn’t healed…no way had one day of relaxation set her on the right path. She was using him the same way she had used the college kid and who knew how many others…to fill a void left by some as yet unexplained sorrow. His lips still locked with hers, he summoned all his strength, captured her hands and pulled them down to his heart, holding them tightly even as he took advantage of the small space he’d created between them and stepped away, shaking his head. “Sorry. I can’t.”
“Why the ever living hell not?” Her frustration was evident. She yanked away. “I’m obviously willing.” She stepped forward and slid her hands under his t-shirt, palms flat against his skin. “God, Logan. I want you. I don’t know how much plainer I can be. And you keep kissing and teasing and never following through…” She shook her head. “Jeez.”
He closed his eyes, aware of how very much he really wanted to follow through with her, but he couldn’t risk damaging her that way. She was so used to men either betraying her or taking advantage of her, she couldn’t comprehend that he could want her and still hold back. “I do want you.” When she rolled her eyes, he took her hands, reluctantly removing them from his body. “The timing needs to be right, though. I truly do want to make love to you, but this—this just isn’t it.”
“Because of my ‘self-destructive path’?” She grinned humorlessly at him.
“No. Because I’m responsible for you being here.” He spoke without thinking, still a little off balance. At her quizzical look, he groaned. “I mean that it was my responsibility to get you to Cancun safely and I failed. I screwed up.”
“It was a mechanical problem. That’s not your fault.” She shrugged. “So we might as well make the most of our time—”
“No. I’m sorry.” He squeezed her hands and turned away, releasing her and going into the kitchen to take the steaks he’d put in to marinade out of the fridge.
When he turned back, she stood with her arms crossed over her chest. He raised his eyebrows, better able to continued his manufactured lie now he was several feet away from her. “It can’t be helped, Rachel. And as much as I’d like to believe for certain it’s not my fault, there’s always pilot error to take into account. And if it is my fault you’re here, taking advantage of you—just isn’t right.”
She considered his words for a moment, then groaned, looking at the ceiling. “You had to put me on a deserted island with a sexy, honorable man?” She glanced back at him, a little smile on her lips. “Fine, but as soon as we’re off this island—”
“I won’t be responsible for what happens then.” He grinned, hoping this meant she had accepted his excuse.
“Good. I’m going to take a shower. And if you change your mind and want to join me…” Her wicked smile seemed to indicate she hadn’t given up.
He sank onto the couch, exhausted from fighting his own instincts and desires. He had a feeling it was a battle he would soon lose. He considered the box under the sink, but rejected it. It didn’t feel right. Like cheating. Turning resolutely to the plate glass window, he considered the jungle and a peaceful feeling came over him. He didn’t need magic tricks and special effects. Not here. Because this was where magic lived. And that was the only kind of magic that could ever heal Rachel.
****
After dinner, they sat on the patio, feet propped on the edge of the hot tub while they reclined in the soft chairs. The insects and small animals rattled and clicked and chirped in a cacophony of background noise that Rachel tried mentally to decipher, as impossible a task as unwinding one instrument in a symphony from another. The wind had risen, but so far it amounted to just enough breeze to keep the heat of the night
and the bugs at bay. The dishes from another excellent meal still sat on the table behind them. She sipped her wine. “I keep forgetting I’m stuck here.”
He didn’t answer at first, and she wondered if he’d heard her, but then he stood and walked over to the edge of the patio. “I used to wish I could get stuck here. I’ve always loved this place. It’s where I first started to heal after…”
“Nora.” She nodded. “Did you come here to stay with Jake?”
“Jake.” He glanced over his shoulder, and his expression made her wonder if there was bad blood between him and his friend. Surely nothing else could account for the odd mix of emotions that passed over his face. “Yeah, he didn’t own the place then. I guess you could say I’m kind of responsible for him owning it now. I came here wanting to bury myself. I didn’t think I could ever get over the guilt. I wanted to be completely alone, isolated, because I didn’t think I belonged with humans anymore.” His gaze wandered back out toward the jungle. “But then something funny happened. I felt something out here. Something sort of healing and soothing and wild all at the same time. I still think it’s magic. Real magic, not the kind I did on the stage.”
“Real magic?” Her incredulity was instant, but faded when he turned to face her. “Really?”
He shrugged. “I’m sure it’s different things to different people, but I’m also certain I’m not the only one who has felt it. The Mayans built their temples in the middle of the jungle. Even now, there are spas and new age healing centers springing up in rainforests everywhere.” His lip curled a little with distaste, and she wondered why. Wasn’t that pretty much what he’d done with his resort on a Caribbean island? Even though she knew the resort emphasized recycling and conservation, such a large place must leave a pretty big footprint on the ecosystem. But then she looked around her at the largely unspoiled smaller island and understood.
“This is what you wanted, wasn’t it? This little island? But why not buy it? Why build the resort on the big island instead?”
“Because I had a dream, I guess. I wanted to share it, help other people.” He laughed. “Don’t get me wrong. My resort is wonderful. I feel I share some of the magic I found here, and that’s important to me. Magic always has been something I like to share, and it’s possible there. But here, it’s like it’s…more immediate. Like I can really feel what the magic is in its natural form. And I don’t think you’re going to find that in a spa or a resort.”
She nodded, thinking about the sounds of the jungle again. She’d barely noticed them at the resort, but they were so close here. One birdsong twining into another, insects and small animals chirping and the whole air swelling with life. No, this magic couldn’t be appreciated from a resort setting, but here at this little cottage, it was inescapable. She had a haunting feeling that Logan, in this state of mind at least, was a part of it, and that it could overcome her, too, if she let it.
A howler monkey scream split the air and she jerked upright. “I think I’m going to go to bed.” He nodded, his eyes still very far away, and she put her hand on his shoulder, at least partly to reassure herself he was really still there. He turned his head and kissed her wrist lightly, sending a shiver down her spine, and she reclaimed her hand and hurried inside.
****
Logan stayed outside for several minutes after she went to bed, his feet propped on the hot tub, feeling more stuck in one place than he had for a while. His brain wouldn’t stop thinking about Nora and what he might have done to keep her happy and alive. He’d failed Nora and Jasmine, and he feared he would fail Rachel, too.
Another howler monkey scream cut through the rising wind, seemingly right beside the house although he knew it was probably miles away. Startled in spite of himself, he jerked out of his trance. His fears wouldn’t do anyone any good. The jungle was trying to tell him something. He straightened, listening, then stood to gather the plates from dinner to carry into the kitchen before turning in.
The scream that pierced the air wasn’t a monkey this time. He recognized Rachel’s voice, and he dropped the plates, hearing them smash on the tile behind him, but he was already inside, yanking the bedroom door open, and she spilled into his arms, clad only in a t-shirt, her body shaking, her face white.
“Rachel!” Half angry, half frightened, he shook her a little. “God, what happened?”
“In the…in the bathroom.” She gasped the words, obviously in a state of shock.
Wondering if a snake had gotten into the cottage—which did sometimes happen although he’d had it built as airtight as possible—he deposited her on the couch and crept into the bathroom. The light was on and he spotted the culprit almost immediately. A large, colorful spider, almost as big as his palm, had invaded and made itself at home on the mirror. He recognized it as a harmless garden spider and carefully swiped it into a cup to transport outside.
He came back, displaying the empty cup with a flourish. “There you are, madam. One spider eliminated and no harm done. He’ll be happier in the jungle anyway.” He paused, concern overcoming his attempt at lightheartedness. “It was completely harmless, I promise. Are you all right?”
Stupid question. She sat on the sofa, hugging her knees to her chest, tears on her cheeks and her eyes downcast. She turned her haunted gaze to him. “That’s what they told me.”
“Who told you?”
“Them. Kevin. Angel. About the wolf spider.” Her voice assumed a different cadence as if she were mimicking someone. “They’re harmless, Rach. It wouldn’t have hurt you, but you had to go and freak out because a spider fell on you and now…” Her voice broke. “It was all my fault. They were right. I did it. I reached for my sunglasses while I was driving, and the spider fell out on me. That’s how the accident happened. That’s how I lost my baby.”
So that’s what she lost. Comprehension dawned on him and he sat on the couch next to her. “Oh my God. Oh, sweetheart.” And her husband and sister had blamed her. Rage filled him but he suppressed it, gathering her into his arms. “And you feel responsible.”
“Of course I do.” Her body felt rigid, refusing the comfort he offered, and he backed off. She glared at him. “I am responsible. I panicked, my muscles seized up, I practically forgot I was driving and I ran into a telephone pole. The doctors told me I had a ‘cardiac incident’, probably partly due to the pregnancy, because my blood pressure had been high enough to be watched. Not high enough to put me on bed rest, but they were monitoring it.” She looked at her hands, still clasped over her knees, and her savage voice calmed in an ominous way. “The doctor said it was a combination of things, really, that killed my baby. The cardiac incident, blunt trauma from the accident, and who knows what all else. But I know it was really me.” Something behind her face broke, giving him a glimpse behind her guard. Her hands opened and closed in a convulsive, grasping motion. “My baby…I killed him.”
“No.” He thought about how such a simple thing had turned her life into a tragedy. Just a harmless spider. Probably another ten minutes and she would have been safe at home, her baby still growing inside her. And now she’d be a happy mother with an adoring husband instead of heartbroken, alone and trying to ruin what was left of her life.
It’s the same for me, really. If I’d been there more often, maybe I would’ve known how much Nora needed me. And we’d be a happy family with Jasmine right now. The difference, he knew, was that although he still felt responsible for his wife’s death, he’d accepted the fact that though he probably would feel regret for the rest of his life, he could continue to live. How could he help Rachel do the same?
He took her hands, giving them a little tug, and this time she didn’t resist; she unfolded like a blanket and came to rest against him. He stroked her dark hair, remembering her as she’d been before Nora’s death, how Nora had always said Rachel was the only one who could cheer her up. He wished he’d known her better then, but he might not be holding her now if he had.
How could her sister and husband betra
y her? How could they not be there for her when she needed them most? If his own friends had deserted him after Nora’s death, he wasn’t sure he would have fared as well. In fact, however, Tammy had staunchly defended him, Tony and Andre had been true, even Nora’s family, although they’d never totally forgiven him for not being there, didn’t blame him any more than they blamed themselves.
“Sweetheart, you have to let it go. It’s eating you up from the inside out, and I can’t stand to see it happen. You have so much to offer the world still, and you have to find a way to move on.”
“Eating me up?” Her voice choked on itself and her entire body shuddered. “God, it’s like that. It’s like a black hole in me. Like it’s eating everything that once made me what I am supposed to be. I can’t even…I can’t even feel sorry for the things I’ve done. I know it’s been wrong, using people the way I do. I know it but nothing seems to matter when I think that I’ll never be able to hold my son, never talk to him, never—“ She broke off, swallowing her own voice with a gulp, her body still shaking.
He tightened his arm around her shoulders, looking for some comfort to offer her. He finally found it in the words his own mother had said after Nora’s death. He didn’t often think of her in connection with Nora because she’d held her distance. He knew she resented the way he felt about his part in Nora’s death. She didn’t think he was responsible for Nora’s actions and she’d been rather outspoken about it.
“Son, you can’t do this to yourself. She made a decision. Yes, she was sick and the Lord will take that into account, but her actions are not yours. And in the end, who’s to say it wasn’t what was meant to be?”
Meant to be. God, he’d hated his mother for a second after she’d said that. How could such a thing be meant to be? He’d forbidden her coming to the funeral, had given Jasmine to Nora’s mother, had banished himself. He still only spoke to his mother on a monthly basis. But when he stopped to think about it, maybe she was right. Maybe it had been God’s plan for him to lose Nora and be here to help Rachel.
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