But how to say such a thing to her? It was absurd to a lonely, heartbroken woman. He took a deep breath and tilted her chin up so he could see her face. Her gaze met his and he knew he had to try to find a way.
He took a deep breath, let it out and let his own faith guide his words. “You know that thing people say after a tragedy happens? The one you hate? That maybe it was meant to be?”
She flinched. He nodded. “Yeah. I always felt like that too. I hated the people who would say that to me. I hated the idea that God could have such a horrible plan.” He stroked her hair back from her face. “I never believed it, either. Not until right now.”
“No.” She shook her head and pulled away, but she didn’t leave him. Though she was rejecting his words, she wasn’t pushing away from him. “Don’t say God had to take Nora away because I would need you.”
He shook his head. “No. That’s not what I mean. I loved Nora. And I don’t blame God or you. And I’ll never, ever not feel responsible for failing her. But…” He hesitated, then shrugged. “I’m not in charge, you know? I made bad decisions. I carry my guilt. But until this moment, I never wanted to think that my guilt and my bad decisions and my grief were just a part of the bigger picture. It’s a really big picture, you know. Bigger than you, me, Nora, Jasmine…” He put his hands on either side of her face, framing it. “And your baby. And even your sister and—God help him—your husband. When you think of all the pain and suffering and beauty and happiness and horror and everything else that happens in the world every second, it makes you feel kind of small, doesn’t it? Somewhere a baby is being born, somewhere someone is dying, somewhere someone is falling in love and someone else is saying good-bye.” He shook his head. “It’s too big and too complex for us to figure out how our little pieces fit into it. All we have is just you and me and, if we can find it, a little faith that whatever happens, if we’re trying to do right, it’ll be enough.”
She was silent for several seconds. Again, she pulled away, but she stayed on the couch, facing away from him, toward the room. Outside he could hear the wind howling in the jungle. When did that happen? The storm must be getting here sooner than Tony had anticipated. But he couldn’t worry about that now. All he could do was wait.
****
Rachel didn’t want to think Logan’s words were right. She didn’t want to believe in her own redemption. She’d spent so much time condemning herself for her baby’s death, echoing what she heard from Kevin and Angel, she couldn’t believe there might be a way out for her.
“I don’t…” She put her hand on her belly, feeling the emptiness there. She lifted her eyes to Logan. “Logan, I can’t believe that.”
“You mean you can’t let yourself believe it.” He nodded. “I understand, but you can. Just let go, baby. Let it go and let yourself be free of the pain. If you were wrong, believe that you’ve been forgiven and it’ll be easier to forgive yourself.”
“It feels like cheating.” She whispered the words, almost ashamed she was even thinking of it.
“But it’s not.” He smiled, and she recognized a peace in his expression that she’d never seen there before. “It’s acceptance. I don’t think I ever realized what that meant. The final stage of grief, right? Accept the loss, I always thought. But that’s not it. It’s accepting your role in life. Accepting that some higher power—God, I guess—has a reason for taking something away and leaving you here. And as much as you’d like to take the weight of the world on your own shoulders, it’s not your job to do that.”
In spite of herself, she felt something, an emotion she hadn’t allowed in her heart for so long it took her a moment to comprehend what it was. Hope.
Like a pinprick of light, a tiny flame a long way away…a star in the palm of her hand. Hope.
If she could let go of the guilt, would living still be possible for her? Yes, her body was empty now, but her heart still might have the capacity to be filled with love. If she let the light of hope take over the darkness in her soul—if she sought and received forgiveness and accepted that there was still a place for her in the patchwork quilt of God’s plan—what might be possible for her?
“Logan—” She whispered his name through trembling lips, but he stopped her.
“Say my name.” His expression was filled with both tense anticipation and dread. “Call me by my first name.”
She sucked in a startled breath. No one had dared call him Ian since Nora died. In the first few months after Nora’s death, his given name had been met with a cold glare and “Call me Logan.” He’d given up his name, part of his penance for being someone she couldn’t count on in the end. The honor of being the one he asked to end that punishment made her hesitate.
“Please.” He took her hands. “I haven’t wanted to hear it until now. But I want you to say it. Call me by my name and help me start over, Rachel.”
The world had frozen around them. Waiting, perhaps to change direction. For both of them. She’d never been more conscious of a word in her life. It rose in her throat and hovered there for a moment until she released it, a shining beacon for both of them. “Ian.” The name tasted sweet on her tongue, easier to utter than she’d anticipated. She smiled a little in relief and lifted a hand to touch his face. “Ian.”
His smile answered hers, and then he leaned forward, kissing her, at first very gently, but then he pulled her into his arms and lap and she gave herself up to him as he explored her mouth with his tongue. Her breath hitched in her chest, but more important was the sudden ferocious need to be as close to him as possible, as if that alone could convince her what he said about a new beginning was true.
After what might have been several minutes, an hour or just a few seconds, she felt him stand, still holding her. She looped her arms around his neck, lips grazing his jaw. A sound from outside made her stiffen a little. “What was that?”
She felt the bed beneath her and his body warm on top of her. “Just the wind.” He kissed her again, his hands beneath the t-shirt on her sides, caressing. She arched up against him and he laughed.
“Is it storming?” She gasped the words, reaching for his shirt, not really caring about the weather outside when what was happening in her own heart was so much more important.
He drew away, kissing the end of her nose, his hands cupping her breasts as he tilted his head as if listening. He smiled down at her. “Not anymore.”
The wind howled again, and a branch smacked against the window, contradicting his words, but she didn’t even flinch. Instead, she reached up for another kiss, lips eager for his, but found herself hesitating at the last minute.
He seemed to sense her withdrawal and paused. “What’s wrong?”
“I just—” She stumbled and blushed a little. “I don’t know how to…how to do this anymore. Not this way.”
“Is it going too fast?” He brushed her hair out of her face. “It’s okay. I’ll stop.”
“No.” She caught him before he could roll off her, winding her legs through his. “God no. Don’t leave. It’s just that I’ve…had sex with a lot of guys—”
He raised his eyebrows. “I am not certain this is helping the mood.”
“—but it’s been a long time since it’s mattered. I want it to be different but I’m not sure how to do that anymore.”
Comprehension softened his expression. “How about I show you?”
“Can you?” Her breath came faster at the thought.
He answered by sitting up, somehow pulling her t-shirt from her body with a deft twist of his hand. She would have sat up too, but he shook his head, pushing her back onto the blankets. “Just lie there. I want to look at you.”
She closed her eyes, self-conscious beneath his gaze. He laughed. “Feeling shy?” Clothing rustled and she felt his lips on her neck, his bare chest against hers. She trembled and he moved his lips to her ear. “It’s okay to want me, baby.”
“I don’t know if it is.” She swallowed hard. “I haven’t…haven’t wa
nted anything this much since…” Had she ever wanted anyone this much? Even in the early days of her relationship with Kevin, had it been like this?
“Shh.” He lay next to her, turning her on her side to face him. “Open your eyes.” When she did, he pulled her closer and she realized he’d discarded more than his shirt. Her gaze fluttered down, a wanton desire to see him allowing her to admire his lean hips and long legs. God, he was tan all over. Did he have a tanning bed or did he run naked on the beach when he wanted?
The idea made her smile and when she looked back at him she found him watching her, his expression a mixture of amusement and arousal, but the amusement faded into tenderness when their eyes met. He caressed a tendril of hair, pushing it back over her ear and sliding his hand back to the nape of her neck. His eyes on hers, he spoke in a soft voice. “Are you certain?”
She felt as if her heart was in her mouth, preventing speech. The time for words was past anyway. Their bodies pressed together as if of their own accord, she wrapped one leg around his hips and pulled him even closer, feeling his erection pressing against her. A slight movement by either of them and he’d be inside her. She held her breath and nodded. She expected him to enter her then, but he didn’t. Instead, he continued kissing her, very gently, moving a little away to work his hands between them, caressing her breasts, moving lower over her belly to the soaking spot between her legs, fingers sliding into her effortlessly.
She arched her back, surprised by the onslaught in spite of herself. His low laughter rumbled in her ear. Was he laughing at her? She thought of all the magic she’d already seen him accomplish with those fingers—catching the star, producing a rose. Was it any wonder he found all her secrets so quickly, massaged and teased and stroked until she cried out with an animalistic passion she’d all but forgotten she was capable of and she clung to him as her orgasm swept through her, emptying her, leaving her clean and drifting on a wave of remembered pleasure.
She barely noticed he’d rolled them over, covering her body with his. Her heart rate sped up and she felt her attention refocus. Broad shoulders, well-defined chest tapering to a flat stomach… Dear God, he was magnificent. And she did want him. When he slid his knee between her legs and she let them part for him, she realized it went beyond that, though.
She needed him, and when her eyes met his, she knew he knew she needed him, beyond want or desire or even reason.
He bent his head, kissing her deeply, and she wound her arms around his neck, kissing him back with total abandon. He was right. In spite of all she’d lost and all she’d done, she could be whole again in his arms.
He pulled away for a moment, searching for something. He didn’t have to go far to find it, and she heard the soft crinkle of the condom wrapper with a smile. Either he knew his friend Jake better than he’d said, or she was not the first woman he’d seduced here. Not that it mattered. The only thing that mattered was what was between the two of them now. So much more than sex or seduction.
He needs me too. Her heartbeat quickened and she reached for the condom wrapper. He held it out of her reach for a moment, and she was temporarily distracted by the perfection of his arm. Smooth, sun-bronzed skin over well-defined muscles. She let her reaching hand trail along the biceps and pectorals she’d been admiring and he laughed, seizing her around the waist and flipping her over so she straddled him. Then, kissing her, he gave her the condom. “Put it on me.”
The four words were both invitation and order, and she had no intention of refusing either. She tore the wrapper with her teeth, but, her heart beating in her throat, she caressed his erection with her free hand, holding the condom in the other. He moaned, arching his back and moving against her stroking hand, giving her a sense of utter power until he opened his eyes and fixed her with a stern glare. “If you don’t put that damn thing on me right now, I’m going to take you without it.”
The thought of making love to him without barriers made her heart stop, but after the promiscuous lifestyle she’d led the past few weeks, she couldn’t swear she was safe. She’d hardly worried about safe sex on the course of her self-destruction, though some of her partners had taken the initiative. For the first time, she wished she’d taken more care.
His hands moved to her waist, and he half lifted her, positioning himself beneath her. “Now, baby.” His voice urged her to action. “Do it now.”
Obediently, she rolled the condom over him and almost as soon as she’d done it, he released her and thrust upward at the same moment. The sensation of fullness made her gasp and bend over, her long hair falling in a veil over them. She shook it off, impatient, wanting to see his face, to know it meant as much to him as it did to her.
“God, you feel so good.” He half-whispered the words, holding her hips firmly with both hands again, grinding against her as if to bury himself further into her. He held her there for a moment, then let her go, watching as she raised her hips, then catching her and pulling her back, meeting her halfway with his thrust and holding her again before releasing her to repeat the movement.
He continued the sweet torture, and each thrust built the fire inside her, until all she wanted was to ride him until she could explode and ease the excruciating pressure of pleasure. “Please.” She felt the sweat of restraint break out over her skin. “God, please, Logan…Ian.”
“Not yet.” He was sweating, too, and he half sat up, curving one arm around her back, restraining her from the wild, breathless, galloping orgasm she longed for. “Not yet.” He ground his hips against her again, and this time he groaned and held her still for a moment, then, just as she was certain she would truly spontaneously combust, right there in his arms, he released her and met each of her downward thrusts with an upward one, and it was all she needed to explode inside and come floating down in the embers into his arms as he called out her name like a prayer in the dark and came at last.
Chapter 10
Logan felt lighter than he had in a long while. As if he’d finally let some heavy load slide away. He wondered how he’d gotten through the days and weeks and years since Nora’s death without this feeling in his life. Maybe he could have had it if he’d kept Jasmine. Maybe with his daughter in his life he could have let go of the guilt and anguish sooner.
Rachel lay silent in the crook of his arm, one hand on his chest. He wondered what she felt right then. Was it as much of a new start for her as it had been for him? Or did she regret letting him past her guard and into her heart? He covered the hand on his chest and when she looked up at him, he asked, “Are you all right?”
Her lazy smile of contentment reassured him. “I’m so much better than all right. I haven’t felt like this…ever, I don’t think.” Her smile faded a little. “It was never like this with Kevin. We made love, we made plans, we started a life together, but it was never like we really belonged together. But…if it weren’t for the accident, we’d still be together.” Her voice faded.
“What happened, after the accident?” When she shot him a sharper look, he nodded. “I know your husband and your sister—but how?” How could he do that to you? How could he betray you?
She was silent for several seconds, then took a deep breath. “I know what you’re thinking. That he was to blame. And yes, he was, for a lot of it. But I guess I’m starting to see how it happened.”
“Tell me.” He tightened his grip on her hand and she smiled, kissing him lightly before she continued.
“I shut him out. I didn’t mean to, but I didn’t deal with it the same way he did. The way everyone did. When they told me about my baby, I cried. All night. I thought it would rip me in half. And then in the morning, I—just couldn’t anymore. I tried. God, I wanted to. But I couldn’t. Everyone around me was crying and it was like this little black knot in my chest. I couldn’t seem to let go of it. And the longer it stayed there, the bigger it got. Like the tears I couldn’t cry were kind of feeding it.” She sat very still, breathing hard. “And then Angel and Kevin—” she shot him a look t
hat told him how much was still unresolved between the sisters.
“They had an affair.” He nodded, wishing he dared touch her.
“I thought that’s what it was when I caught them.” She lowered her head again, her shoulders tense. “But it was more than that. They fell in love. They grieved for the baby together because I couldn’t.”
The wind rose outside and rain lashed the windows. She started a little. “How long has it been storming?”
“It’s nothing to worry about.” He remembered the smashed dinner plates and glasses on the patio. Oh well, the wind and rain would most likely take care of the mess now. He wondered how fast the wind gusts were. He’d guess at least forty miles an hour. But straight line winds were nothing much to worry about in a sturdy little cabin in a clearing. He kissed the top of her head, feeling drowsy now. “Try to sleep.”
“Hmm.” She snuggled closer, her naked body warm against his, accidentally making it more difficult for him to get comfortable. However, as she relaxed and her breathing deepened, he slipped into sleep too.
****
A crash outside woke Rachel with a start and she flung the covers back, leaping from the bed. Momentarily uncertain of her surroundings and caught by surprise by her own nakedness, she reached for a blanket to cover herself with but stopped when she caught sight of Logan by the window. He was naked, too, bringing back memories of making love to him. She relaxed. This was safe. Here, with him, she could rest.
“Logan? What’s wrong? Is the storm worse?”
He came to her, putting his arms around her. “It’s all right. Everything’s fine.”
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