Drumline

by Stacy Kestwick

  “You were awesome.” I fought back the sting of tears behind my eyes as I tucked him back in bed after he used the restroom. He was beyond ready for a nap.

  Nothing compared to the way I felt when I left the hospital after hanging out with the kids there. And yes, I called them kids, not patients. Too many people there saw them as a disease first and a person second. I refused to even think of them in those terms. They were just kids caught in shitty circumstances.

  As I walked down the hospital corridor, I pulled my phone out. I’d had it on silent during my visit.

  Nothing from Laird. I guess our little sleepover didn’t mean as much as he said it did. Nothing except three texts from my mom, asking what I’d eaten for lunch, if I’d remembered to take my multi-vitamin, and if I needed her to order more sunscreen via Amazon for me.

  I ignored all three.

  And when I turned the corner and Laird was only six feet away, heading in the direction I’d just left, I treated him the same way he’d treated me all day. I ignored him too.

  Laird

  I couldn’t stay.

  That dream. That wonderful, awful fucking dream. Wonderful, because I got to see him again, in sharp, bright, high-definition clarity in my mind. And it had been long enough since he passed now that, between dreams, he’d started to blur a bit around the edges. I’d forgotten about that cowlick he had, just above his left ear. And that his smile always tipped at that certain angle. And that he was too motherfucking young to go through any of it.

  And it was awful because every time I dreamt of him, I kept getting older. The conversation was always the same, except for what he asked for. Would he get to play the drums too? Would he learn to drive someday? Would he get to graduate at the top of his class?

  I lied every damn time. Yes, Garrett, yes, you’ll get to do it all.

  Leaving her bed was the hardest and easiest thing I’d ever done. Easy, because I’d never let a girl see me cry. And Garrett brought the tears.

  But there was no place in the world I wanted to be except pressed next to her like a sardine in a twin-sized bed, her thigh over mine, her head over my heart, and her hand over that inked G.

  That dream was why I found myself watching the sunrise from a graveyard, sitting in a puddle while the rain fell around me. I traced the numbers that spelled out the length of his life, the dates far too close together. He didn’t even get two handfuls of years to be my brother. But I’d be his forever.

  My clothes clung to my skin, annoying but not cold. It didn’t matter though. It could’ve been the middle of winter and I wouldn’t have budged until I was ready. The discomfort of being wet or hot or cold was nothing compared to what he’d endured. Nothing.

  The early morning text from the band director cancelling practice cemented the conviction that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in that moment. With my brother.

  The only concession I made to the rain was the baseball hat I’d pulled low over my face. Not that it mattered. My cheeks were as wet as the rest of me.

  By the time I finally rose, the thunderstorm had cleared. The violence of it had helped somehow. The angry vibration of the thunder, the sharp, painful crack of the lightning. The endless, endless rain. I understood all of it.

  I embraced all of it.

  And when it ended, it was time for me to move on too. To go back to living for both of us. Trying to turn my lies into truths. Until I dreamed of him again one day.

  When I got back to the Wrangler, the chill from the AC raising goose bumps on my skin, my phone was dead. It didn’t matter. I had nowhere to be today with practice cancelled.

  Except the hospital.

  Maybe there, I could keep Garrett close to me a little bit longer. There were always pieces of him lurking in the depths of their eyes. Parts of him I recognized in their actions. Remnants of when I thought I could save him if I just loved him enough, behaved enough, achieved enough.

  But I couldn’t. My mom left one year to the day from when we buried him here. I never heard from her again. My dad, he’d stuck around physically, but he’d never been the same. Since love had already failed him twice, he’d come up with new tactics to deal with me. Lists of impossible demands, the strictest of schedules, regimens for both my diet and exercise, and more after-school activities than one person could ever enjoy. He kept me at arm’s length, never closer, never farther. And he never, ever said my brother’s name again.

  I wanted to hate him. So bad. But he was the only connection I had left to Garrett.

  And there was nothing I wouldn’t do for my brother.

  Consequently, I listened to Dad’s lectures, did just enough to keep him off my back, and did my best to live my life in what little space remained.

  Like drumline, which he’d always considered a colossal waste of time.

  I scrubbed my hands over my face, wishing I could wash away the reality of being a disappointment to the only parent I had left just as easily. And then I forcibly pushed him from my mind, refocusing on the present.

  On the way to the townhouse, I picked up Oscar, who spent an inordinate amount of time sniffing me. I played fetch and tug-of-war with him while I ate some cold pizza from the fridge. The AC was working again, thank fuck. By the time I showered, changed, and got to the hospital, it was mid-afternoon. The storm was gone, the August sun having erased any evidence it’d once existed.

  When I turned the corner to the oncology floor, she was the last person I expected and the one person I needed to see the most.

  And I was finally able to take a deep breath that didn’t pinch. My first of the day that came easy. When my lungs filled completely and the pain squeezing my ribs ceased.

  But she didn’t stop. Didn’t even look at me. A sharp, prickly sensation filled my gut.

  And when I visited Eli last, after he’d woken up from his nap, she was all he would talk about.

  “… and then she covered my arms with all these tattoos, and I could tell Amelia thought I was a total stud, and then we all played UNO, and Amelia kept winning but that’s okay because every time she won she smiled so big, and her smile is just the best thing, and why weren’t you here too? Did you get in trouble with Reese?” He finally paused for a breath while I tried to catch up.

  “Trouble?” I repeated. “Why would you think I’m in trouble with her?” Maybe because she walked right by me as if I didn’t exist? But Eli didn’t know that.

  He shrugged but looked at me reproachfully from behind those glasses of his. “I asked about you and she smiled, but not like Amelia smiled when she won UNO. She only smiled with her mouth and not her eyes. That’s how you know it’s not real.” Confusion darkened his face. “I thought you liked her? You called dibs on her last time.”

  “I do like her.” Something warm and soft bloomed in my chest when I said those words.

  He laughed. “Well, you’re not doing a good job of showing her apparently. Maybe you need more tattoos.”

  “I’ll take that under consideration.” I nodded seriously.

  “Then you can peacock.”

  “I can what?” Did he just say something about a cock?

  “Peacocking. I saw it on the Discovery Channel. In nature, the male of the species is usually more colorful and bright, to attract the best female. You might need some more colors. Because Reese is the best, after Amelia. Then you can peacock her.”

  I bit back a laugh. “I’ll have to work on my peacocking. Good advice, Eli.”

  “Just trying to help a brother out.” He held out his fist for a bump.

  I tapped it, then said my goodbyes. “Sounds like I got some work to do. I’ll come back and give you an update in a few days.”

  “Good luck.” His eyes were wrinkled around the edges, like he was truly worried about my lack of game.

  Turned out, he was right.

  She ignored my texts the rest of the afternoon.

  And at practice the next few days, she was glued to Smith. Reese didn’t avoid me per
se, but she certainly didn’t seek me out or hang back to give me a chance to catch her alone either.

  And the texts I sent those days? She finally replied. But they were stilted, awkward conversations.

  Me: Hey, how are you?

  Reese: Good.

  Me: Busy tonight?

  Reese: Yes.

  Me: Want to grab dinner tomorrow? Sammy’s maybe?

  Reese: That’s not a great idea. Someone could see us.

  Me: We could bring it back to my place. Or yours. Or go to the park or something.

  Reese: Maybe.

  We didn’t get dinner. Not together anyway. When I stopped at Sammy’s after Thursday’s practice, she was there already, turkey and cranberry sub in front of her. But she was sitting with Smith, Cade, Willa, and Amber. Willa saw me first and licked her lips in blatant invitation as I walked to the counter. After my sandwich was ready, I approached their table, aiming for the empty seat next to Reese, but as I sat down, she popped up like a damn whack-a-mole and announced I could have her seat, she was finished anyway. And Willa and Amber were so visibly excited, talking over each other to get my attention, I couldn’t change my mind and follow her out without it looking awkward as fuck.

  Tomorrow was Friday, the last day of official band camp, and the night of the Countdown, a Rodner drumline tradition.

  I was the captain, damn it. And her vet.

  She wouldn’t be able to avoid me there.

  And I planned on peacocking the hell out of her.

  Reese

  While I’d admit I had a dream earlier this week that involved Laird and being tied up at his mercy, I didn’t expect to wind up blindfolded in the back of his car on Friday night.

  The Countdown had officially begun.

  It sounded easy enough. The remaining NADs were paired off, blindfolded, and driven around for however fucking long the vet behind the wheel decided to drive. Then, each twosome was dropped off at a different unknown location, somewhere within a five-mile radius of campus. If you didn’t make it back to the party at Bubba’s apartment and chug two cups of NAD juice before midnight, you were cut from the line, just like that.

  Only six of us were left. Three groups. And, of course, Smith was the only one willing to be my partner.

  Fuckers.

  Marco and Laird were in the front seat of Laird’s Wrangler, arguing about practice times once school started Monday. Marco kept saying we only needed two a week, with the rest of the band, but Laird was pushing for a third, a drumline only one, on Wednesday nights.

  The Jeep hit a pothole and I grabbed the door handle for balance.

  “We can’t get sloppy this year, man,” Laird said. “It’s our last year.”

  “Relax. We’re better than that. We’re not gonna fuck it up. We can always add in Wednesday practices later if we need it.”

  I bit my lip at the blatant disrespect in Marco’s voice.

  “We need it now,” Laird replied sharply. “We haven’t even narrowed down who’s earned field spots or started on the snare duel for the drum break.”

  I couldn’t hear Marco’s reply over my own swift intake of breath, when the Jeep swerved suddenly to the left and I fell partially against Smith next to me.

  He gave my hand a quick squeeze. “You okay?” His murmur was pitched soft enough not to be overheard.

  “Yeah.” I braced my foot against the bottom of the seat in front of me, trying to stabilize myself a little better. “Pretty sure we just went off road.”

  Marco snickered. “I take back my earlier comment about girls being dumb.”

  I mumbled under my breath.

  The rock music that had been blaring in the background suddenly went quiet. “Did you just say scrotum breath?”

  I coughed to cover my laugh, and then lost the battle when I heard Smith choking up next to me.

  “Scrotum breath?” Marco asked again. “Are you sucking Smith’s balls or something back there? Or is he sucking yours?”

  Laird growled and slammed on the brakes before I could reply. The seatbelt cut into me hard, ending my laughter with a hard grunt. “We’re here.”

  The sound of rustling filled the Jeep. I waited, listening as I heard Laird and Marco opening their doors and getting out. A gust of wind ruffled my hair as my door was opened, some of the dark strands landing in my mouth. I felt someone close to me and held my breath.

  Gentle fingers traced the curve of my cheek, dislodging the hairs stuck to my lip balm. Laird. Marco wouldn’t have cared or noticed. He leaned over me, his arm brushing across my breasts as he unsnapped my seatbelt. Warm breath fanned my ear, his lips teasing the sensitive skin around the shell, and he murmured quietly, “I’ve missed you.”

  Now was not the time or the place to discuss it, so I nodded for lack of a better response, but my traitorous nipples didn’t get the memo and hardened beneath my shirt. I sent up a silent prayer that Marco wasn’t watching.

  The blindfold around me loosened, then fell in my lap. I blinked at the sudden brightness. Even though it was after dinner, the sun wouldn’t set for another hour or so.

  Laird blocked my exit from the Jeep, his broad shoulders filling the door frame. I twisted in the seat, nudging his hip with my knee to signal him to get out of my way. Behind me, I could hear Smith exiting, the Jeep shifting with the movement, and then Smith talking shit about where we might be while Marco dodged his questions.

  “Move,” I whispered.

  His eyebrows dipped and his hand dropped to my knee and squeezed. “Look, maybe this isn’t a good idea. You don’t have to do this.”

  My eyes flashed to his in surprise. “What do you mean?” Did he mean us—if there was an us—or the Countdown?

  “You’re not from here. I don’t want you guys getting lost and …” He lifted his hand to rub the back of his neck as his voice trailed off.

  I nudged him again. “Are you worried about me, Laird?”

  His hesitation was answer enough.

  “No special treatment,” I reminded him. “And, seriously, how hard can this be? We do five miles at practice regularly.”

  “Yeah. It’s five miles maximum if you go in the right direction on your first try.”

  “She wimping out? What’s taking so long?” Marco’s taunt interrupted our conversation.

  Laird stepped back, and I climbed out of the Jeep. “Nah. You’d miss me too much if I wasn’t around.” I kept my voice light.

  Before I could round the corner of the vehicle, Laird’s hand snaked out and hooked the back pocket of my denim shorts, stopping me. Using just his fingertips, he turned my hips partially to the left. His touch seared me right through to the skin. “Start that way.” His words were barely audible, but I heard him.

  Whipping around, I glared at him. “Stop it. I can do this.”

  He still looked troubled as he nodded at me, then glanced at his phone. “You two have about an hour and twenty minutes of light left. If you haven’t found campus by then, you fucking call me.” He muttered the words against my temple.

  “That’s against the rules.” We weren’t allowed to have electronics for this, because it was too easy to cheat with GPS. Your vet was supposed to hold onto your phone until you made it to the party. Except, when he blindfolded me earlier, Laird had refused to take mine, and had instead tucked it in the back waistband of my shorts when no one was watching, where it was hidden by the hem of my loose tank top.

  Internally, I was conflicted. On one hand, his concern was sweet. On the other, I wanted him to have a little more faith in me that I could handle this on my own.

  We had a stare-off until Marco and Smith joined us on our side of the Jeep. He looked away first.

  Marco eyed the two of us suspiciously, while Smith gave me a shit-eating grin. “Problem here?” Marco asked.

  “Just wondering what’s taking so long for y’all to leave,” I answered flippantly. “We have a party to get to, don’t we?”

  “Fucking hell,” Laird muttered.r />
  “We’ll see you suckers later. If you make it.” Marco punched Smith on the shoulder and wrinkled his nose at me before shouldering past us and climbing back into the Jeep. He pounded on the roof. “C’mon, Laird. It’s time to get our drink on while these two wander around like lost sheep. I’m thirsty.”

  Smith flicked his eyes at me, and dropped to one knee to re-tie his already perfectly tied shoe, giving me a minute with Laird.

  He lifted his hand like he was going to reach for me again, but I stepped back. “I’ll see you soon. Have a cold beer ready for me.”

  With a final searching look, those full lips of his pressed tightly together, he stepped back. “Yes. I will see you soon. Because you’re my fucking NAD and you will not disappoint me.” And then he winked before he disappeared inside the Jeep.

  “That’s more like it,” I muttered, and Smith snorted.

  We watched in silence as they drove off, the Jeep bouncing over the overgrown grass down a barely visible path to a black swath of road about five hundred feet away.

  We each had a water bottle, and I had my contraband phone, but other than that, we had nothing to help us on our way.

  “Do you know where we are?” I ventured, looking around. I wasn’t sure if I should mention my phone or not.

  “Yup. I know exactly where we are.”

  “Really?” My voice was bright with surprise. This area looked vaguely familiar. Did I pass it on the way to the hospital?

  The Jeep had turned right onto the road as it disappeared from view. Smith pointed left instead. “Campus is about four miles down that way.” The same direction Laird had pointed my hips. I started walking, but Smith grabbed my elbow and stopped me. “Or it’s two miles around that lake over there if we keep going down this path.”

  I looked behind us, where he was pointing. “For real? That’s so much shorter.”

  “Considering they went right and must be taking the long way back to campus, if we hustled, we could probably even beat them. But what’s the fun in that?” He started toward the lake at an easy pace, and I fell into step alongside him, matching my stride to his out of habit. “Know what else we pass between this lake and Bubba’s house?”