If Ever I Fall

by S. D. Robertson

  Bad move. That had led to an even worse row than the last and, a couple of days later, to Maria’s suggestion of the trial separation.

  Now here he was: hungover and alone in this godforsaken place.

  The alarm sounded again – good old snooze function – snapping Dan out of his half-doze and alerting him to the fact it was now 8.10 a.m. He turned it off, properly this time, and levered himself upright.

  ‘Merry Christmas,’ he said to his reflection in the mirrored doors of the cheap wardrobe.

  He walked through to the lounge and spent a few minutes tidying up his mess from the night before: bottles of beer, a shot glass. He didn’t know why he was bothering. It wasn’t like he was expecting guests any time soon. Force of habit, he supposed, still not used to being a bachelor. He didn’t want to get used to it. Hopefully it would be short-lived: a brief chapter in his life that one day he’d look back on and smile about.

  In the kitchen, his gaze fell on the vodka bottle he’d been drinking from the night before. For a moment he thought about picking it up and having another go, but he stopped himself. His boozing had accelerated enough since moving in here. At least it was still mostly contained to acceptable hours. Necking vodka at this time of the day would be crossing a line. Next thing he’d have a bottle in the inside pocket of his jacket, swigging from it at the wheel of his car. No, he didn’t want to go down that route. Plus, the police were always on the lookout for drink-drivers over the festive period. No point in risking his licence.

  Instead he found his pack of cigarettes, opened the window and, enjoying the feel of the cold winter air on his skin, lit one up.

  Dan found himself thinking about the first Christmas he and Maria had ever spent together. He remembered it like it was yesterday. They’d been a couple for less than six months and were madly, passionately in love. Neither could bear to spend a night alone, so although they still had separate places, they were always together at one or the other. Although they’d received various invites from family and friends, they decided to spend Christmas day alone at Maria’s flat.

  They’d filled stockings with little treats for each other, which they opened in bed. Later that morning, still in their dressing gowns, they opened the rest of their presents under the tree they’d chosen together, drinking Buck’s Fizz. After returning to the bedroom for a while, they shared the cooking duties. Neither had prepared a turkey roast before, but they had great fun working out what to do. They spent most of the time in the kitchen laughing as they took it in turns to mess things up. Surprisingly, the end result was edible, although it definitely wouldn’t have won them any awards.

  ‘I’m going to get the Christmas pudding,’ Dan said after polishing off the rest of his red wine in a bid to numb the nerves he was feeling.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve got any room,’ Maria replied.

  Dan grinned and, as he stood up with their plates, gave her a quick kiss. ‘Sorry, but it’s obligatory. I’ll take care of it while you chill out for a few minutes.’

  He’d been planning this for some time and was anxious to get it right.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t need any help?’ she shouted through to him a short while later.

  ‘Nope, I’m almost done.’ He poured the warmed brandy over the top, steadying his shaky hands as he did so, and held a light to it. Then he grabbed the plate and carried the fiery blue pudding straight through to the lounge. ‘Da dah!’

  Maria’s face was a picture. ‘Wow! That looks amazing. How did you know what to do?’

  ‘I have my ways, gorgeous,’ he said, hoping his face didn’t give away the butterflies in his stomach.

  Once the flame had died, he carefully cut them both a piece and handed one to Maria. ‘Enjoy, but be careful. You never know what you might find in there.’

  ‘Ooh, that sounds fun.’ A moment later she came across her silver prize and pulled it out. ‘Hmm, now what do we have here? Could it be a sixpence?’

  Dan felt his heart pounding in his chest. ‘You’ll have to open it and see. I wrapped it in tin foil. I didn’t think it would be very hygienic otherwise.’

  ‘Good plan, Batman.’ She took it in her hands and made them quiver with mock anticipation as she opened it up. ‘Exciting!’

  As the silver coin was unveiled, Dan’s tiny folded note fell out, as planned.

  ‘Yes! Twenty pence,’ she said, ‘but hold on. What’s this little piece of paper I see?’

  Dan shrugged, feigning ignorance.

  It seemed to take forever for her to unfold it. Then she started reading and tears – happy ones, he hoped – started to form in her eyes.

  He knew the words, penned in his tiniest handwriting, off by heart:

  Maria,

  I’ve never been so happy as I have with you these past few months. You’re amazing and I love you. Let’s live together?

  Dan

  X

  She looked up and, wiping the corners of her eyes, beamed at him. ‘Let’s do it,’ she said, voice wavering with emotion. ‘Let’s live together. I love you too, Daniel Evans. Now get over here and kiss me.’

  Back in the present, a couple of hours later, Dan found himself standing in front of what he still considered to be his own front door. He was wondering whether to ring the bell or to let himself in. He had his key but decided against using it, in case doing so sparked Maria to ask for it back.

  It was Ruby who answered the door. ‘Hi, Dad. Can you guess what Father Christmas brought me?’

  ‘Hang on. First I need a Christmas hug.’

  As Dan embraced his daughter, Maria appeared. ‘Hello. Merry Christmas,’ he said before greeting his wife with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

  ‘Merry Christmas. How were the roads? Not too icy, I hope?’

  ‘No. They were fine.’

  Dan wished he could say the same about Maria, but she didn’t seem the slightest bit happy to see him. The frosty reception she gave him made it clear that he’d been invited purely for their daughter’s sake. How had the two of them become so distant? Their relationship had drifted so far off course now; part of Dan feared they’d never work things out.

  He took a deep breath and tried not to feel too sad. Maria had at least made an effort to look nice, wearing make-up and a long black dress, her hair up in a bun. But he could tell straight away how tired she was from the thin red veins snaking their way across the whites of her hazel eyes: usually one of her most beautiful features.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Dan asked. He almost added that she looked tired but thought better of it. It didn’t take much to spark an argument these days and he was aiming for a row-free visit.

  ‘Fine. I need to get back to the kitchen.’

  ‘Can I help at all?’

  ‘No, thanks.’

  ‘Your job is to play with me,’ Ruby said.

  ‘Great. Let’s see what Santa brought for you, then.’

  Dan followed Ruby through into the lounge where the various presents she’d received so far were arranged in a neat pile on the coffee table. As expected, the one she was most excited about was the tablet he’d ordered online about six weeks earlier, when he’d still been living at home. Maria hadn’t been keen at first, arguing that she was too young to have her own device, but somehow he’d managed to persuade her.

  ‘Look, Dad,’ she said, holding it up. ‘I got my own tablet. And there are loads of games on it already. It’s not an iPad, but it’s still really good. It looks almost the same, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Wow,’ Dan replied, feigning surprise despite being the one who’d put all the games on there. He brushed off the iPad comment, realising Ruby didn’t mean it in an ungrateful way. Kids her age didn’t do tact. Besides, there was no way he was paying Apple prices. ‘You’re a lucky girl. And what’s all this other stuff?’

  She gestured towards the pile before turning her attention back to the tablet. ‘Have a look.’

  ‘Is all this from Father Christmas?’

  ‘Yep
. Some of it was in my stocking and the rest was under the tree.’

  ‘Cool. And what time did you wake up?’

  ‘Six forty-three. Then I went into Mummy’s room at seven o’clock.’

  Dan felt a stab of jealousy. It was the first time he’d missed seeing that look of joy on her face when she got up on Christmas morning and tore open her gifts. And why was Maria still Mummy when he’d become Dad all of a sudden?

  He wondered if this would be the last time Ruby believed in Father Christmas, remembering the conversation he’d once had with Sam. That had been after watching one of those American Santa movies where there’s a naughty kid who doesn’t believe but by the end he’s back on board. It had had the opposite effect on Sam, sparking her to ask the question. Reluctantly, he’d told her the truth, ending the magic for her. He could still picture the look of disappointment on her face now. He hoped it would fall to Maria to break the news this time around.

  ‘So what are all those other presents under the tree?’ he asked. ‘Are they for you too?’

  ‘Most of them are; there are a few for you and Mummy.’

  ‘Really? I’d better have a look, then.’

  Dan pretended to inspect the pile while sneaking a couple of extra gifts in among them. There was little need for subterfuge, though, with Ruby busy playing on her tablet.

  ‘Hey. What’s this?’ he said. ‘I think you missed one from Father Christmas.’

  That got his daughter’s attention. ‘Really? Where?’

  ‘Here.’ He handed her the small present. He knew she didn’t need any more gifts. She was spoiled enough as it was. But he wanted to see her open at least something he’d chosen for her.

  ‘To Ruby, love from Father Christmas,’ she read aloud.

  Dan had disguised his handwriting on the label and matched the wrapping paper Maria had used on the other gifts.

  ‘What do you think it is, Dad?’

  He shrugged. ‘I don’t know any more than you do, sweetheart.’

  She turned the present around in her hands, enjoying the mystery for a moment. ‘I think it’s a book.’

  ‘Well, darling, there’s only one way to find out for sure.’

  Maria walked in from the kitchen, a glass in each hand, as Ruby was halfway through tearing off the paper. ‘There’s some orange juice for you both here. I assumed you wouldn’t want anything alcoholic, Dan, seeing as you’re driving.’

  He wondered whether that was meant as a dig at him – a hint that he stank of booze from the night before, which he probably did – but he chose to ignore it. ‘Thanks. That’s perfect.’

  ‘Look, Mummy,’ Ruby said. ‘There was another present from Father Christmas under the tree. We missed it before. Oh, cool, it is a book and there’s a rabbit on the front. He’s so cute.’

  ‘Another gift?’ Maria said. ‘Someone has done well this year. You must have been very good.’

  ‘What’s it called?’ Dan asked, trying his best to ignore the look of disapproval that Maria was sending him.

  ‘Um, Watership Down, it says. I’ve not seen it before. It must be about a rabbit.’

  ‘Let’s see. Oh, wow. That looks good, doesn’t it?’

  What Dan wanted to say was that it was a book he’d adored as a child and hoped that she would too, but he knew better than that. He understood the benefit of letting her discover it for herself. Ruby was quite the bookworm, like her sister had been. It was something Dan, a booklover himself, liked to think he’d engendered in them both through regular bedtime stories. Watership Down was, perhaps, a little advanced for an eight-year-old, but it was important to keep challenging her and he was confident she was up to the task.

  The book was soon discarded, with the tablet taking centre stage again, but that was fine. Dan could tell she was pleased with it.

  Maria, wearing a pink Yummy Mummy apron he’d bought for her years earlier, disappeared into the kitchen.

  ‘Back in a minute, love. I’m going to see if I can help your mum with the food.’

  Ruby didn’t look up from her tablet screen.

  ‘Smells delicious,’ Dan said as he entered the kitchen.

  Maria was tending the oven. She glanced in his direction and then continued with the job at hand: turning the roast potatoes around in the hot oil. ‘Thanks. Not sure if it will taste that way.’

  ‘Problem?’

  ‘It’s hard trying to juggle everything.’

  ‘I’m here to help. Whatever you need.’

  She shut the oven door and turned to face him. ‘No. I want to do it myself. Please, Dan.’

  He held up his hands. ‘It was only an offer. Chill.’

  ‘I am chilled, thank you very much. But I need to be left alone.’

  ‘Message received. If you change your mind, give me a shout.’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘At least it’s just us this year,’ he said.

  ‘Are you suggesting I wouldn’t be able to cope with more?’

  ‘Not at all. Only that it’s easier without visitors. I realise I’m technically a visitor this time, but—’

  ‘There’s still plenty to do, trust me.’

  ‘I know. That’s why I—’

  ‘Daaad,’ Ruby’s voice bellowed from the lounge. ‘Please can you help me with something?’

  ‘Coming,’ he called back. He shrugged at his estranged wife, wondering what he could possibly do to get things back on track between them. ‘I’d better see what she wants.’

  Last year Maria’s parents had come to stay and he’d been the one to take charge in the kitchen. He wasn’t a fantastic cook. Maria was the more naturally gifted out of the two of them, but he was capable enough – and less flappable. He’d accepted very little help and had somehow managed to get by and produce a decent meal.

  In truth, the main reason that he’d done all the work then had been to stay out of the way of Maria’s mother. He and Helen rarely saw eye to eye. The two of them had clashed for as long as he could remember. It was like he’d found himself in a real life version of a Les Dawson gag. Only it wasn’t funny.

  Helen had an opinion on everything – and it was invariably at odds with his own. He’d never been able to do or say the right thing; to be good enough for her daughter. She blamed him for what had happened to Sam too. That much was clear without her ever actually vocalising it. No doubt she was glad that Maria had turfed him out of the house. Not that he’d seen her or heard from her since then.

  His father-in-law, Geoff, couldn’t have been more different. A placid chap, he loved and lived to play bowls and watch sport; to sup on a good single malt whisky. He’d always been very welcoming to his son-in-law. But in all the time they’d known each other, Dan had never once seen Geoff stand up to or contradict his wife. He rarely spoke when they were together, leaving her to do the talking. So as nice as he was, he didn’t amount to much of an ally. Dan couldn’t imagine for the life of him what had drawn the two of them together. Talk about opposites attract.

  ‘What’s up, darling?’ he asked Ruby, walking back into the lounge.

  ‘Oh, could you help me with this game? I’m stuck.’

  ‘What game is it?’

  ‘Wiggly Worm.’

  Dan smiled to himself and ruffled Ruby’s hair. ‘It’s actually Wriggly Worm. What are you stuck on?’

  ‘I can’t get past this mean bird. It keeps eating me.’

  ‘Okay, let me have a look.’

  Dan enjoyed helping Ruby with computer games and the like. It made him feel useful and less over the hill than usual. He didn’t want to be one of those adults who let technology pass them by. Playing simple, fun games like this reminded him of his own childhood in the 1980s, when he was a dab hand at titles like Horace Goes Skiing and Daley Thompson’s Decathlon, loaded from cassette tapes. That said, he knew from his experience with Sam that Ruby would soon be running rings around him. It was amazing how much she already knew her way around her new tablet. In a day or so, she’d be showin
g him things.

  Luckily the game in question was one he’d also installed on his phone. Although he rarely found time to actually play it, he was at least able to help.

  ‘Like this,’ he said, tilting the screen so she could watch how he did it and then handing it back to her. ‘Now you have a go.’

  ‘Great. Thanks, Dad,’ she said, planting an unexpected kiss on his cheek. ‘But can you stay and help, in case I get stuck again?’

  ‘Of course. Team Evans to the rescue, right? Give me an E.’

  Ruby threw him a side-glance that made it clear she wouldn’t be doing any such thing. ‘Don’t be weird, Dad.’

  ‘Okay,’ he replied, feeling far less like a cool father than he had a moment earlier. ‘Only joking.’

  Maria did a good job with the dinner, which Dan found delicious. Not that you’d have thought so from the way she talked about it. Nothing was quite right in her mind, from the turkey being ‘a little dry’, to the cranberry sauce being too runny. And she was up and down from the table throughout the meal, getting this and checking that, which made it hard to relax.

  In days gone by Dan would have told her to stop flapping. However, their relationship was no longer up to such comments. So he ate his food, paid Maria and her cooking as many compliments as he could without fawning, and tried to maintain jolly conversation.

  After they’d finished, he insisted on doing the dishes, which Maria eventually accepted. Then he brought out a pot of tea and suggested that they open the rest of the presents together.

  Ruby was under the tree in a flash. She knew most of the remaining presents were for her. There were two joint gifts for Dan and Maria – a box of chocolates from his cousin Alex and a tablecloth from Maria’s aunt Emily – both apparently unaware of their separation.

  ‘You can have the chocolates,’ Maria offered. ‘Unless you need—’

  ‘No, that’s fine. Tablecloths aren’t my thing.’

  Then Ruby handed her mother the present Dan had placed under the tree earlier.

  ‘Another one?’ Maria said. ‘Who’s this from?’

  She read the label and threw Dan a confused look. At her suggestion, they’d agreed not to get each other a gift this year. But then he’d seen a bracelet matching the necklace he’d given her last birthday and he’d gone ahead and bought it for her anyway. He wanted to show her that he still cared. That he considered the current state of affairs a temporary setback and hoped to be home soon.