Lasgun Wedding

by Will McDermott

  Bobo, well-trained in the art of the straight face, simply nodded and sat across from Jillian. She had full, thick, black hair that was currently tied back into an elaborate bun, with what looked like teak wood sticks poking out at odd angles. She was a full figured girl wearing a long, pleated velvet dress and a tight-fitting, low-cut top that accentuated her considerable assets. Perhaps the most striking thing was the black eyeshadow and thick, dark-red blush she wore, which made it very tough to read her expressions.

  ‘A large lump in the mattress?’ he asked with an innocent look on his face.

  Princess Jillian smiled again, which made Bobo worry that he’d gone too far with his brazen act. ‘Mr Bristol,’ she began.

  ‘Call me Jackal.’

  ‘Mr Bristol,’ she began again, and Bobo felt a chill run down his spine as the temperature out in the sun seemed to take a nose dive. ‘I received a message this morning from a rival of mine. I would like to send a reply.’

  ‘Surely your valet can deliver a message for you,’ said Bobo.

  ‘Not this message,’ said Jillian. ‘This will require your special expertise.’ She pulled an envelope out from beneath her dish and passed it to Bobo. ‘Inside you will find pictures of Davol Orlock’s sister as well as five thousand credits. I think you know what to do with her head.’

  Bobo had a great deal of trouble controlling his face and breath as he accepted the envelope. What had he started here? These nobles were in a price war, but real people were getting hurt. He opened the envelope and took out the pictures. His gasp was quite audible.

  ‘She’s no more than ten,’ said Bobo, disgust dripping from every word.

  ‘And your point being?’ asked Jillian as she casually buttered her toast. She took a bite and smiled at Bobo as she chewed.

  Bobo pressed his feelings into a ball and shoved them back down to a pit in his stomach where they would most certainly fester. ‘Only that it will take more time to get her alone,’ he said. ‘I assume you wish no collateral damage.’

  Jillian dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. ‘I think we understand each other,’ she said. ‘Can you show yourself out? I believe you know the way.’

  Bobo gladly rose and left the balcony. He waved off the valet as he came rushing towards him.

  Scabbs rolled over on his side and wrapped his arms around his chest. He was pretty sure he’d cracked a rib. ‘Damn,’ he muttered. ‘Why do I always get hurt when we wing it?’

  He tried to pull his laspistol out but every movement shot sharp tendrils of pain deep into his chest and back. He just managed to get the weapon out of its holster as Seek and Destroy came around the corner. One of them kicked his hand as he raised the gun, sending the weapon sliding away and possibly breaking a finger or two.

  ‘Well, well, well,’ said the other. ‘What do we have here?’ He kicked Scabbs in the ribs, which drove all of his breath out of his lungs and nearly made him pass out from the pain.

  ‘You shouldn’t ought to have made us run,’ said the first. ‘That makes us mad.’

  Scabbs looked up at the two of them. They tried to slap each other’s hands, but one went high and the other low and they ended up hitting each other instead. This led to a brief argument during which Scabbs could only groan in pain.

  ‘Hey Destroy, let’s take him back to Nemo,’ said Seek.

  ‘No, you idiot,’ said Destroy. ‘Nemo said not to come back until we find the package.’

  ‘Shut up,’ said Seek. ‘And don’t call me an idiot.’

  Scabbs tried to get to his hands and knees as they started punching each other again. They must have both noticed because he got a boot in his stomach and another one in his chest. This time he did lose consciousness for a moment. When he came to, the boys were still standing over him.

  Seek snapped his fingers. ‘I know. He’s a ratskin, right? He’s gotta be a tracker, right? Let’s use him to find the package for us and then we take ’em both back to Nemo.’

  ‘Hey, good idea,’ said Destroy.

  ‘Don’t sound so surprised.’

  ‘Don’t take everything so personally, dummy.’

  They grabbed each other and began wrestling, eventually falling on top of Scabbs.

  ‘I think that’s enough, boys!’ said Kal a moment later.

  Scabbs rolled out from beneath Seek and Destroy and looked up at Kal standing above them all, his pearl-handled laspistols pointing at the leather clad goons. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘These warehouses are big. Took me forever to run around behind them.’

  Scabbs nodded his head and then passed out.

  Bobo folded up the envelope full of credits and photos of a little girl he had no intention of killing and stuck it in his inner coat pocket. He’d now made contact with two houses, and neither seemed at all interested in House Helmawr or killing Kal Jerico. Perhaps those two were simply too caught up in their own little rivalry to worry about ascending into the upper Spire.

  Since that meeting hadn’t taken very long, Bobo decided to pay a visit to the Kitty Club to see if Prince Gregor of House Ulanti had arrived for his afternoon special yet.

  The Kitty Club was conveniently located near the entrance to one of the tunnels that ran between the Spire’s myriad levels. As Bobo walked in, it took a minute for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. The goo globes were no match for the sun’s rays.

  Before his eyes adjusted, Bobo felt his arms grabbed, and he was pulled forward through a curtain into one of the numerous alcoves situated around the perimeter of the club. Bobo began to wonder if these were ever used for their intended purpose, although their purpose probably was for clandestine meetings.

  ‘Mr Bristol,’ said a figure sitting at the table. The goo globe above him provided just enough illumination to see his outline. ‘Have a seat.’

  Bobo closed his eyes and felt his way into the booth. ‘My friends call me Jackal,’ he said. ‘Are you my friend?’

  Bobo opened his eyes, which had now adjusted enough to see some facial details of the man across the booth from him. He was a large man with a round, plump face and a wide smile. His blue eyes sparkled beneath a thick shock of wavy black hair that seemed just this side of out of control.

  ‘I am Gregor,’ said the man. ‘Prince Gregor, of House Ulanti, if you must, but my friends call me Gregor and I truly wish you to be my good friend.’

  He smiled again as he extended a meaty hand across the table. Bobo had thought the man to be heavy-set when he first saw his shape in the dark, fat from a life of leisure, but there was enormous strength in Gregor’s arm and hand and very little flab. His fingers enveloped Bobo’s small hand, practically crushing it when he squeezed.

  Bobo smiled through the pain. ‘Thank you for your kind gift Prince, I mean, Gregor. To what do I owe the pleasure of your largesse?’

  ‘I require the services of one such as yourself, he said. As he talked, Gregor kept running his thick fingers through his hair as if something felt out of place up top. As far as Bobo could tell, the prince’s constant rearranging never changed a thing. His hair simply returned to the same wavy state after each pass.

  ‘You need a well-dressed, dashingly handsome businessman?’ asked Bobo, getting into the good natured banter.

  Gregor laughed out loud, which was a sight to behold. He threw his arms up in the air and leaned back on the couch and then slammed both hands down flat on the table with such force that Bobo nearly jumped out of his seat.

  ‘No, no, no!’ said Gregor. ‘I need someone trained in the art of death.’ His eyes bored a hole into Bobo’s forehead. ‘I need a killer.’

  Bobo resisted the urge to lean in. Perhaps he was finally getting somewhere with this investigation. ‘Oh?’ he asked. ‘And you believe I have the look of a killer?’

  Gregor laughed again, but this time Bobo was ready for the loud crack as his hands smacke
d the table. ‘Your reputation proceeds you, Jackal,’ he said after the laughter subsided. ‘I know of your exploits downhive.’

  ‘Well, let’s say I have a certain knack,’ said Bobo. ‘A flair if you will. Was there a specific target you had in mind?’

  Gregor shook his head. ‘Nothing specific,’ he said. ‘I am planning an excursion and wish to take a skilled hunter along with me.’

  ‘Excursion?’

  ‘Into the depths of the Underhive,’ said Gregor. His smile returned. ‘I take an annual trip down into the bowels of this massive city to hunt the most dangerous prey imaginable.’

  ‘Giant spiders?’ asked Bobo, hopefully.

  ‘No, you silly assassin,’ roared Gregor. ‘Man!’

  Here we go again, thought Bobo.

  ‘The Underhive is full of gangs, you see,’ he said as he passed his hands through his hair again. ‘Very dangerous they are, like cornered animals. Now, I normally go down in a spyrer rig, but lately that has lost much of its thrill, so I would like to go on a hunt with just my wits, a kevlar suit and my trusty heavy plasma gun. But I would like a professional along to protect me. Here’s the plan…’

  Bobo’s eyes glazed over as Gregor outlined their itinerary using objects from the table to illustrate. He wondered why it seemed that every job these nobles had for him involved killing regular people. But, he realized, his question contained the answer: because they were nobles.

  After they dropped all of their weapons, Kal handed the twins some rope and told them to tie each other up. This proved to be too much trouble as they almost instantly began arguing about who would tie up the other first.

  Kal blasted the ground next to them to get their attention and pointed at the one wearing the blue bandana tied around his bald head (the other wore a red bandana). ‘Which one are you?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m Seek,’ he replied. ‘That’s Destroy.’

  ‘Nice names,’ said Kal. ‘Tie him up Seek. Nice and tight. In fact, the tighter you make his knots, the looser yours will be. Got it?’

  Kal glanced down at Scabbs as Seek got started. From the cursing coming from Destroy’s lips, he knew the blue twin was doing a good job. Scabbs was unconscious, but seemed okay. There were no bones protruding anywhere and just a trickle of drying blood around his mouth. Kal would need to get him somewhere safe where he could recover.

  After Seek finished tying up his brother, he looked expectantly at Kal, holding his arms out with his wrists together. Kal smacked the pearl-handled butt of his laspistol into Seek’s jaw, dropping him to the ground.

  As he leaned down to tie up Seek, Destroy started laughing. ‘Good one, Kal. That serves him right for tying me up so tight.’ He then kicked his brother in the stomach.

  Kal just shook his head. He knew you could always count on family to kick you while you were down. He raised his weapon up towards Destroy. ‘That’s enough,’ he said. ‘Now, you tell me what Nemo and Feg have planned for the satchel or you’ll be down here on the ground after your brother wakes up, and I’ll tell him you kicked him.’

  Destroy’s face paled to a deathly white. He began speaking very quickly. ‘I don’t know what Nemo’s plan is. He never tells us nothing. But I heard Feg say he was looking for transport up to the Spire.’

  ‘Wait,’ said Kal as he finished tying the knots around Seek’s wrists. ‘You mean Feg and Nemo aren’t working together?’

  ‘Course not,’ said Destroy. ‘You either work for Nemo or get tortured into working for Nemo.’

  Kal stood up and trained a gun on each twin again. ‘Let me get this straight,’ he said. ‘Nemo is torturing Feg?’

  Destroy nodded his head.

  ‘So Nemo doesn’t know where the satchel is yet?’

  Destroy nodded again.

  Kal thought for a moment and an idea sprang into his mind. It was a terrible idea, but it was the only one he had and it was so old and so bad that only Kal Jerico could pull it off.

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Here’s what we’re going to do. When your brother wakes up, you two are going to take me to see Nemo. I know how to get the information out of Feg, but Nemo will have to pay me to get it.’

  ‘That’s your plan?’ asked Destroy. He rolled his eyes and let out a low whistle. ‘You are scavving crazy, Jerico.’

  ‘True,’ said Kal, smiling. ‘But it works for me.’

  8: BAIT AND SWITCH

  Yolanda tumbled forward, blindfolded, her hands tied behind her back. ‘This isn’t necessary,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, but I think it is,’ said the familiar voice. ‘I know you all too well.’

  ‘What do you want from me?’ asked Yolanda. Free of the hands that had held her, she whirled around and kicked out, hitting nothing but air.

  ‘Just a little favour,’ said the man. ‘You owe it to me.’

  ‘I owe you nothing but pain,’ she said. Yolanda lowered her head and charged blindly towards the voice. Hands caught her before she reached him, pulling her backwards. Kicking out, Yolanda landed a couple of good blows, but whoever held her was strong enough to withstand a few off-balanced kicks.

  She reared one leg back, getting ready to snap it down towards what she hoped would be a knee or ankle. But before she unleashed the kick, the hands slammed her back into a chair. She felt a rope go around her waist. She kept kicking, but once they cinched the rope tight, they worked together to grab her legs and tie them to the chair as well.

  She couldn’t move, so she screamed. ‘I’ll never do anything for you again!’ Her blindfold came off and she stared at her father. ‘You hear me?’ Never!’

  ‘Oh, but you will,’ said Lord Catallus. ‘For if you don’t, I will send spyrers down to wipe out your precious Wildcats; every last one of them, and any other Escher women they happen to see along the way.’

  ‘You monster!’ she screamed.

  Yolanda’s father simply smiled. He turned to the guards standing beside him. They stopped massaging their thighs and calves long enough to stand straight and salute their lord. ‘Bring it in,’ he said.

  The guards left the room. ‘Bring what in?’ she asked. ‘What do you want from me?’

  ‘It’s not what I want,’ said her father. ‘It’s what the house wants: needs actually.’

  ‘Let me guess,’ she said. ‘More power.’

  Her father smiled again. ‘You always were a smart girl,’ he said. ‘And you are uniquely qualified to perform this little task for the good of the house.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ spat Yolanda.

  ‘Because it involves your comrade, Kal Jerico,’ he said.

  The door opened and the guards returned. Yolanda gasped. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Absolutely not.’

  ‘You know we’re not supposed to bring anyone here without a blindfold,’ said Destroy.

  Kal walked just behind the two thugs, his hands folded inside his jacket holding his pistols beneath his arm pits. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’ve been here enough times that I already know the way by heart.’

  ‘It’s just that it’ll look funny, us bringing you in without a blindfold.’

  ‘But we brought in Feg without a blindfold,’ said Seek.

  Destroy elbowed him in the side.

  ‘Don’t worry, boys,’ said Kal. ‘I’m sure nobody will notice. They’ll all be too impressed by my presence to worry about such trivial matters.’

  After a while, the twins led Kal up to a blank wall. Seek stepped forward and tapped out a series of knocks on the wall with his fist, waited for a response, and then rapped out another series of knocks. As the wall slid open, he turned to Kal, his laspistol in hand. ‘What if we just decide to turn on you right now? We’re bad guys, remember?’

  Kal smiled. ‘Well, for one thing,’ he said. ‘I took the liberty of depleting your power cells before I gave back your weapons.’

 
Seek popped open the cell compartment and took a look. ‘Scav!’ he said.

  ‘So,’ said Kal, showing them his weapons again, ‘if either of you tries anything while we’re inside, I’ll shoot you both in the back. And if you survive that, you’ll have to face Nemo afterwards. You don’t think he’ll be happy about the two of you showing me the way into his secret base of operations, do you?’

  Destroy huffed, his eyebrows crinkling. ‘You said you knew the way,’ he said.

  ‘I lied,’ said Kal. ‘I’m a bad guy, too, remember? Now move in, both of you. And remember: try to get as many guards to follow us as possible.’

  ‘Why do you want the guards?’ asked Seek.

  ‘All part of the plan,’ said Kal. Just not the plan I told you about, he added to himself.

  As they stepped through the opening in the wall, the panel started to slide shut behind them. Kal immediately knew something was wrong. Other than a little ratskin slave operating the wall controls, there was nobody at all in the outer room.

  ‘Where is everybody?’ asked Seek.

  ‘I dunno,’ said Destroy. ‘Maybe they smelled you coming.’

  As Seek grabbed his brother in a neck hold and tried to wrestle him to the ground, Kal began to hear sounds of a battle from deep inside the complex. Then an explosion shook the room around them. The twins stopped their tussle and looked around.

  ‘Sounds like someone already beat us to the punch,’ said Kal. ‘I guess with that diversion going on, I don’t really need you two any longer.’

  Seek and Destroy, still holding each other in bear hugs, looked back at Kal just in time to see the pearl handles of his laspistols come down on their foreheads.

  ‘Looks like we go with plan W as usual,’ said Kal as he followed the sounds of battle into the complex.

  Gregor had given Bobo a sizeable retainer for his services on the hunt and Bobo, in turn, promised to meet the prince at the wall at dawn the day after the upcoming royal wedding. Gregor couldn’t miss that, of course. Every noble in the Spire was practically required to attend. He’d asked Bobo to stay at the Kitty Club and enjoy some companionship with him in his private suite upstairs, but Bobo begged off, saying he hadn’t eaten all day and needed his strength before he could handle any more pleasure today.