Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  Walking briskly to my car, I looked down and saw that the first missed call was from an unknown caller. After I saw the second and third I could barely dial the number with my trembling fingers. It was Sam’s school.

  Chapter 19

  “Elm Street School, may I help you?” I recognized the secretary’s phony cheerful voice right away.

  “Mrs. Williams, this is Sam Thomas’s mother. Someone there was trying to reach me. Is Sam okay?”

  “Oh, thank goodness.”

  “It’s her,” she whispered to someone nearby. My knees started to shake.

  “What’s going on? Did something happen to Sam?”

  “Yes, the ambulance is on its way. How soon can you get here?” I had to lean on the car to steady myself. If she had been in front of me, I would have slapped her.

  “Can you please just tell me what’s wrong with Sam?”

  “Oh I’m sorry, yes, it’s his arm.” A million possibilities ran through my mind. Severed, impaled, broken, cut, burned.

  “Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with his arm?” I suddenly remembered the large gold cross she always wore around her neck. She cleared her throat before speaking to let me know she disapproved of my blasphemy.

  “Well, uhm, actually it’s more his wrist than his arm, looks like it might be broken.” Her still cheerful voice made the moment even more surreal.

  “So are you on your way Mrs. Thomas?” I climbed into the car and came close to sideswiping a yellow Porsche convertible as I veered into traffic. The driver gave me the finger.

  “Yes, I’m on my way but I’m about twenty minutes away.”

  There was a long silence and then a soft, “oh no.” Now I wanted to pound my fist into her face instead of slapping her. She was judging me for being twenty minutes away from my son’s school when I should have been able to rely on her and her coworkers to keep him safe.

  “Can you please put Sam on the phone?”

  “Sammy, honey, are you okay? How bad is your wrist?”

  “It really hurts but I only cried a little. The emergency guys are here and they have to check it out now. I gotta go, Mom.”

  “Sammy, I’m on my way but I’ll have to meet you at the hospital. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I love you sweetie.”

  “Yeah, Mom, it’s okay, Eric’s here with me.” The school redeemed itself just slightly in my mind by allowing Sam’s best friend to stay by his side. I left Rick a quick voicemail message and started to dial my mother’s cell phone number. It took me three times to get it right.

  “Hello?” Her voice was barely audible over the sound of screaming children.

  “Mom, where are you?”

  “What? Beth is that you?”

  “Where are you?” I screamed.

  “We’re at Chuck E. Cheese’s, what’s wrong?”

  “Which one?”

  “What’s the matter Beth?”

  “Just tell me which fucking Chuck E. Cheese’s you’re at.”

  “The one by my house.”

  “Goddamn it, Mom, why couldn’t you go to the one by our house?”

  “You’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

  “Sam’s wrist is broken and I’m twenty minutes from the school. And you’re even farther.”

  She gasped. “Poor Sammy. Where’s Rick?”

  “He’s in court. I left him a voicemail but he might not be able to check it for hours.”

  I felt the first ever pang of anger at my mother in law for having moved five minutes away from Rick’s sister and her three kids, which placed her an inconvenient thirty minutes away from us. I swerved around slow moving cars and raced through yellow lights but there was no way I could make it. I was on the phone with Sam again when the paramedics told him it was time to transport him to the hospital. When he hung up, my chest hurt so bad I had to pound on it with my fist to loosen up the breath.

  The entire drive was torture. Guilt, shame, anger at myself and everyone else. I wanted to know how the teachers and aids could have let my little boy get hurt. I wanted to know why I didn’t have the kind of village touted by Hillary Clinton and why the one day I decided to be adventurous and do something for myself, just twenty minutes away, my son had to be taken to the hospital without me. Maybe this was my punishment for thinking about Dave so much. I couldn’t wait for Rick to get my voicemail message and call me back. He was the only other person who would understand and who would hurt for Sam as much as I did.

  As I pulled into the hospital parking lot, my phone rang. I flinched in my seat. The call I was so desperate for earlier was now unwelcome.

  “I can’t talk to you right now Dave.”

  “What is it? Tell me.”

  “It’s nothing. A family thing. I’ll tell you about it later.”

  “When? When will you call me back?”

  “I don’t know. Not for a while. There’s something I’ll be dealing with.”

  “Can’t you just give me some idea of what it is? Maybe I can help.”

  I didn’t want him to know. Of course he would try to comfort me, but I didn’t want it from him. I didn’t want anything from him in that moment. I just wanted my family.

  “I have to go, Dave. I’ll talk to you later.” Click.

  Time moved into slow motion as Sam’s face lifted and his eyes met mine. A nurse was taking his blood pressure as I stumbled into the room panting like a dog. I expected to see relief and comfort in his eyes when he saw me, but instead I saw something else, something I might not have picked up on if it were any other day.

  Chapter 20

  What I saw in Sam’s eyes was the fear of embarrassment. Eric and his mother Jenny were standing next to the examination table Sam was sitting on. I could see that Sam was afraid I’d overreact and treat him like a baby in front of everyone.

  “Beth,” Jenny said. “I was volunteering at the school today so Eric and I thought we’d come along with Sammy. I hope you don’t mind.” All the judgment I had passed on this gorgeous, thin, non-working, cookie baking, school volunteering mom vanished in an instant. I became aware that it had been jealousy more than anything else, maybe in part because of the idyllic relationship she seemed to have with her son.

  “Of course. Thanks, Jenny. Thank you for being here for Sam.” I watched spiky haired Eric hold up a trading card as he and Sam estimated its value.

  “Thank you too, Eric, for coming to the hospital with Sam.”

  “No sweat, Mrs. T.” He chomped on a huge wad of orange bubble gum and went back to the trading card discussion.

  The doctor entered the room and Jenny and I did our best to pretend not to notice how striking he was. His wavy brown hair reminded me of Dave’s, but everything else about him was different - mature, confident, wise, experienced. He caught me eyeing the wedding ring on his finger as he examined Sam’s arm.

  “So tell me what happened, buddy.” Sam recounted his fall from the monkey bars while Eric added dramatic details from his perspective as an eyewitness. Doctor McEvoy listened with interest and nodded his head.

  “It looks like a Colles fracture.” He looked up at me with his electric blue eyes. “Typical playground injury. The same thing happened to my youngest when he was in preschool.” I pictured his wife arranging flowers and ordering her maid around while he put in long hours at the hospital.

  “So what is a Colles fracture?” I asked.

  “A radius distal fracture, basically a broken wrist. It’s the most commonly broken bone in the arm. When you start to fall, you put your hands out to protect yourself so the wrist takes the impact and breaks.” As he spoke, he pushed his hands out in front of him to demonstrate the action and I noticed strong triceps peeking out of the short sleeves of his blue scrubs. Maybe he could have been the one, I thought. The idea of it surprised and frightened me. I wondered what it said about me, and about Dave.

  He interacted so naturally with Sam. “Must be pretty uncomfortable.”

  Sam nodded, trying not to look too upset.
I looked at his red, swollen wrist and wished it had happened to me instead. As he examined the injury more closely and we made small talk, it occurred to me that although I had only known him five minutes I felt more at ease with Dr. McEvoy than with Rick.

  “So did you have to rush over here from work?” he asked.

  “Oh no, I teach late afternoon classes at the university.”

  He raised his eyebrows and moved his head up and down slowly to show that he was impressed, the way people always do. Yeah, really impressive, I thought, his pay must be about 200 times what mine is. I prayed he wouldn’t ask me if I was a tenured full professor. Thankfully Sam prevented that.

  “Do I get to have a cast?” The doctor smiled.

  “Probably. We’ll need to have some X-rays taken first and then send you up to orthopedics for a cast if it is indeed a Colles fracture.”

  When the doctor left to get the paperwork for the X-rays, Eric and Jenny said goodbye and it was just Sam and me. It occurred to me that we were probably in for a longer chunk of time alone together than we had had since before Jack was born.

  “So how bad does it hurt?”

  “Not too bad as long as I don’t move it.” He swung his legs back and forth beneath the table and I wanted to tell him to stop but I couldn’t think of a reason why he should.

  Our silence was broken by a patient on a gurney being wheeled into our room. The thin beige curtain the nurse pulled shut did little to hide what was going on. We listened to the woman on the other side describe pain in her arm and the sensation of bricks piled on top of her chest. Her breathing was rapid and filled with panic. Sam’s eyes bulged out of his head as I whispered my diagnosis. There was another long period of silence after the patient was taken away and I wished for another interesting roommate for us to talk about.

  Sam grabbed a latex glove from a box sitting on the counter and started blowing into it.

  “Come on Sammy, don’t do that, you don’t know what’s on that.”

  “It came straight from the box, Mom. Look it says ‘sterile’ right there.”

  “I know but… fine, go ahead.”

  We sat quietly as he blew up several gloves with his one good hand and passed them to me to tie like balloons. When the doctor returned, he chuckled at the sight of Sam’s row of turkey-like creations. I was happy to see him again and I worried that my smile was a little too big. When he smiled back, I thought I detected a quick flirtatious wink of his right eye.

  “Things are a little backed up over in X-rays. You may as well wait here and I’ll let you know when they’re ready for you.” I felt disappointed when he left so quickly but I decided to try to use the time to connect with Sam.

  “So how are things at school?”

  “Fine.”

  “Did you get your Einstein report grade yet?”

  “Nope.” He examined his fingernails.

  I wanted the doctor to come back and make the conversation fun again. Then I remembered Iyana’s words.

  “You want him to be like you, but he’s not.”

  “Hey, Sam?”

  “Yeah, Mom?”

  “I think that doctor out in the hallway right there is an alien and he’s planning to abduct us and take us back to his planet, Zumari.” Sam’s eyes brightened and a maniacal grin spread across his face.

  “Yeah, and he wants to cut up our bodies and bring them back to Zumari for the doctors there to learn about humans, but not if we plan our attack first.” I cringed at the image, but saw the thrill in his eyes and knew there was no turning back.

  We continued to add to our story, taking stock of items in the room that could be used to fashion weapons for our fight against the evil Zumarian aliens. Then we gave everyone who passed by in the hallway an alien name and rank in the Zumarian army. In the middle of explaining to me how the kids on Zumari have their own language that the grown ups can’t understand, Sam’s mind seemed to go somewhere else.

  “Mom?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Remember when I was playing with Marianne in the backyard the other day?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, we kept having races and whenever I was about to win, just as I got to the finish line she would say ‘first one there is the loser,’ so I lost every race because she kept changing the rules.” If that isn’t a perfect metaphor for life, I thought.

  “So how did that make you feel?” He blinked and looked at me with a blank stare.

  “I mean, what did you think about that? What do you make of it?” An image crept into my mind of a teenage Sam engrossed in a physics book and me trying to rip the book away and smother him with kisses.

  “Well, I didn’t like it because I like to win,” he said with the slight hint of a “duh.”

  “So what do you think made her do that?”

  “Maybe because she’s an only child she doesn’t get to play with another kid all the time, so when she does she always has to be the winner.”

  “Hmmm, that’s a good point. You might be right. You remember I’m an only child too, Sammy. Do you think I’m like that?” He shrugged his shoulders and I realized it was too early to put him in the role of his mother’s therapist.

  “So, do you still want to have playdates with Marianne?”

  “Of course I do. She knows how to make the best science experiments of all my friends.”

  By the time the doctor returned, I had learned a great deal about the way Sam viewed the world and what was happening in his life, interspersed with plans for our attack against the aliens.

  Dr. McEvoy escorted us to the seventh floor for X-rays. On the elevator, I bent down to tie Sam’s shoe and as I stood up, I was surprised to find the good doctor peering down my v-neck sweater. He quickly averted his eyes and the awkward moment was interrupted by my ringing cell phone. My nervous fingers fumbled through my purse searching for too long and I missed the call. It was Rick.

  Tucked into a corner out of hearing range from Dr. McEvoy and Sam who were chatting in the X ray waiting area, I dialed and braced myself for Rick’s reprimand.

  “Why the hell didn’t you answer the phone? Do you know how worried I’ve been? Your message made it sound like Sam… ”

  “Rick, do you want to know how Sam’s doing or do you want to keep criticizing me for missing your call?”

  Chapter 21

  As Sam and I pulled into the driveway, we noticed the extra cars in front of the house.

  “Looks like everybody’s here, Sammy.”

  “Cool. They can be the first ones to sign my cast.”

  Jack snuggled up in my lap as Sam captivated Rick, my parents, and my mother-in-law with his tale. I struggled to stay focused on Sam and not think about cleaning up the empty pizza boxes and dirty paper plates and napkins strewn around.

  “I was so brave. I barely even cried. Mom, on the other hand, looked white as a ghost.”

  “Come on, I wasn’t that bad,” I said. Sam laughed out loud. Everyone turned their attention to me and I rolled my eyes.

  “Actually, Mom was much more brave than I thought she’d be. And she came up with this really cool game so we wouldn’t get bored all that time we had to wait. It was so much fun.” My heart smiled and it felt like a small victory in a battle I hadn’t even been aware I was engaged in.

  When they were focused back on Sam’s story I transferred Jack to Rick’s lap and headed for the kitchen. The pop of the cork being released was loud enough to be heard from the living room so I quickly grabbed a few glasses and returned with my bottle and a smile as if I had intended to share the entire time.

  Rick’s mother declined as always, but my husband and parents were happy to join me in numbing the intense emotions of the day. If they only knew all the feelings I needed to numb.

  We toasted to Sam’s bravery and as I held up my glass, a drop of Chianti landed right on his spotless white cast.

  “I guess that counts as your signature, Mom.”

  I snickered and downed half
the glass in one gulp. About an hour later, I almost lost my balance as I stood up to put Jack to sleep. I blamed it on a plastic bb pellet on the floor near my foot.

  As soon as we hit the bed, Jack was asleep. I knew I should go back out to the family, but I stayed there instead, my head spinning with wine and worry and longing. I wanted Dave again. Just as quickly as it had gone away when I was at the hospital with Sam, it was back. Only this time, there was a nagging feeling that maybe it wasn’t really Dave I wanted. I pulled the business card from my back pocket and stared at the little blue hospital logo. Dr. Richard McEvoy, ER Supervisor. Closing my eyes I remembered his parting words.

  “Why don’t you give me a call next week to let me know how he’s doing?”

  I couldn’t remember my exact response, but I knew it was some form of a yes. I didn’t know if he really wanted me to call to tell him how Sam was doing. Was he looking for a friendship? A flirtation? A slut who would meet up for hotel trysts during his lunch hour?

  Go back out there, I told myself. If it were just my parents, I wouldn’t care about leaving them in the living room while I laid there, but whenever my mother in law was over, I felt like I needed to entertain, like I couldn’t be at home in my own house. But my body didn’t want to move. Suddenly I was at a park on a blanket with a picnic basket brimming with cheese and crackers, a bottle of wine and colorful fresh fruit. The sun warmed my bare shoulders and the flowery sundress I saw myself in looked exactly like one I wore when I was a little girl. I realized Dave was next to me. I was so happy to see him. He slid a cracker with a smudge of creamy Brie into my mouth. The combination of crunchy, smooth, rich flavors and textures exploded in my mouth. I took a firm crimson colored grape and moved toward him as he opened his mouth. Before giving it up, I slid the grape along the length of his tongue, my fingers gently brushing against his lips and teeth. We didn’t say a word. He leaned in and started to kiss my neck. I closed my eyes. But when he pulled away it was no longer Dave. The face on the man who had been kissing my neck was now Dr. McEvoy’s. And we weren’t in the park anymore. He had a paper surgical cap on his head and was peering down at me from above. I couldn’t speak or move. I was anesthetized and being prepared for surgery.