500 Days

by Jessica Miller

  “How?” I stuttered.

  “Does it matter?” she said. I shook my head tears spraying everywhere. My brothers let go long enough so I could hug her.

  “Oh, mom, I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I know honey. I’ve missed you too, all of you,” she said, pulling us all in for a group hug.

  “Group hugs already? Isn’t it a little early to be drinking?” Declan joked as she walked up the driveway, Colton in tow. My mom turned around and Declan stopped, causing Colton to bump into her and almost dropping her bags. “Holy shit.”

  “Oh my goodness Declan, look how you’ve grown.”

  “Aunt Olivia?” Declan said her name out loud almost as if she couldn’t believe it. My mom nodded and held her arms out for her. Declan ran to her, gripping her in a loving hug. “How?”

  “We’ll discuss that later. Come now, let’s head inside before you all catch a cold.” My mom ushered us all inside. I took her hand and stuck to her side, afraid this was just a dream, and tomorrow when I wake up she would be gone.

  “Mom seriously, how are you here?”

  “I will explain it later, but now is not the time,” she patted my hand as her eyes darted to Colton.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. Aunt Olivia, this is my boyfriend Colton,” Declan said, smacking herself in the head.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Colton replied, shaking my mom’s hand.

  “Alex, will your boyfriend be joining us as well?”

  I looked at my mom puzzled. “Mom, I don’t have a boyfriend.” Declan squeezed my hand, a worried expression on her face.

  “No? Then who was that nice gentleman who came to visit me?”

  “What guy? What did he look like?” My heart began to rabidly beat in my chest as the realization of who it could be.

  “Dark hair, blue-gray eyes, tattoos up and down his right arm.” My eyes widened to the size of saucers as I turned to Colton.

  “I swear I know nothing about it,” he said innocently.

  “What was his name?” I asked even though I already knew the answer.

  “Casper- a very nice young man. I could have sworn, the way he talked about you, it seemed like you two have been together for a while and he seems to care about you deeply. Why didn’t you ever tell me about him?”

  “Because there was nothing to tell,” I said, trying to keep my tone in check. “Did he say why he was there?”

  “He said he wanted to meet me and to deliver the good news himself.”

  “What good news?” Jasper asked, suddenly interested in the conversation. He looked to me, down to my stomach and then back up. I stifled an eye roll and waited for my mom to answer.

  “Well, I think me standing here speaks for itself,” she smiled warmly at us.

  “Why? How? I’m so confused.” I scratched my head, getting a headache.

  “Seeing that you’re not going to let this go, I should explain.”

  “Maybe I should go?” Colton said, looking a little uncomfortable.

  “No dear, it’s fine. I’m not ashamed,” my mom said, holding her head high.

  “He came to tell me I was being released. That there was a break in the case that proved my innocence.” My jaw dropped open. Casper never stopped trying to look for a way to get my mom out of jail. “I was surprised to say the least, considering who his father is.”

  “His dad was there too?” The punches just kept coming, like a rapid fist to the gut.

  “Yes, he came to personally apologize, and to tell me he was doing everything in his power to make sure I was able to spend Christmas with my family.”

  I was speechless. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and once again I thought I was dreaming. “Alex?” Declan shook me gently. The only thing that brought me back was the beeping from the oven timer. I ignored all the stares and walked into the kitchen to take the turkey out of the oven. I ignored the rambling as I continued to get dinner ready.

  “Alex, you need to call him,” Jaxson said, laying a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and continued with dinner.

  “Alexis, honey. I’m sure whatever is going on, you can work it out. Talk to me sweetie. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

  I threw a glass into the sink. “No, you don’t show up here and pretend like nothing happened. You don’t get the right to be a mother when you were never there.” She took a step back as if I slapped her. I wasn’t angry at my mom, really, but she lit the fuse for a ticking time bomb.

  “Alex, what the hell is your problem?” Jasper growled. My mom held up a hand to tell him it was fine.

  “You want to know what my problem is? I grew up without a mother and a father. The closest thing we had to a parent was Jack and now he’s dead.” I was gripping the edge of the sink. “Monthly visits to the prison doesn’t count as quality time, mother.”

  All her loving kindness swept out of her, reminding me where my attitude really came from. “What was I supposed to do? Let him kill you and Jaxson. Take away the very thing that keeps me breathing. My entire existence for living?” She took a step toward me.

  “Why lie? Why not tell the truth, that it was Jack?”

  “Because I was protecting my children.” She placed a frail hand on my check. “Alexis, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about you, all of you. I did what I thought was best. I knew Jack would take care of all of you and from what I can see he exceeded my expectations. I hate that you suffered. I hate that you had to grow up without a mother and father. If I had the chance to go back and do it all over again, I would do the same thing. I would do anything to keep my babies safe from harm. To give them the opportunity they deserve. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You can’t live your life blaming others for the way things turned out. Things happen for a reason Alexis, so don’t be scared or angry if they don’t turn out the way you expected.”

  “What am I supposed to do?” I cried, not able to let go of my anger.

  “Be brave, always be brave.” And that’s when I lost it. I broke down and started balling my eyes out. My mom tucked me safely in her arms and hugged me close. “Alexis, I will never stop feeling sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. And I will spend every day, for the rest of my life making it up to you, all of you,” she turned to my brothers.

  “Mom, I’m sorry, I –”

  “Shh,” she cooed, stroking my hair. “No need to apologize. You have every right to be upset.”

  After I finally calmed down, we all sat around the table and had probably one of the best family dinners I had in a very long time. I looked around the table at my family. We finally had our mom back, but the biggest piece of our dysfunctional family was gone. I felt the shadows begin to cast over me again. My mom placed a hand over mine. I smiled at her but I knew she could tell it was forced. She cocked her head to the side, looking at me concerned. “Jack,” I mouthed. She nodded her head understanding.

  She turned her attention back to the table. “Before we have dessert I would like you kids to do something for me.”

  “Sure mom, whatever,” Jasper said.

  “Get your coats,” she said, standing up. We all looked at her confused. “I would like to visit all of my children on Christmas.” Understanding hit me. She wanted us to take her to Jack’s grave. Was it too soon? Could I handle this? “Alexis,” my mom said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You can do this and this time you won’t be alone.” This time when I smiled, it was for real.

  We all piled into Jasper’s truck. Jacob and Jaxson fought over who was going to sit next to mom. I sat in the front so they both could have her and I wouldn’t have to deal with their bickering. I dazedly stared out the window, watching all the scenery pass by. It snowed the other day, coating the ground with a light sprinkle of white. I caught glimpses of little kids running in to the arms of grandparents and loved ones as they joined their families for the holiday. A tiny prick pierced my heart as I thought of Casper. I quickly wiped the tear fro
m my cheek as Jasper pulled into the cemetery gates. I took a deep breath as I braced myself for the cold. I carefully stepped out of the truck and waited for everyone else.

  Jaxson offered me his arm so I wouldn’t slip while we walked over to Jack’s grave. It was still hard to be here. The wound was still too fresh. I jerked back not sure I could do this. Jaxson’s brows wrinkled with concern. My mom stopped and turned to face us. She let go of Jasper and Jacob and reached out her hand for me. “We’ll do this together,” she smiled, squeezing my hand. I let her pull me along.

  We all stood silently, not sure what to do. My mom knelt down on the ground, not caring that she was getting her pants wet. Her pale hand reached out to touch the cold stone. She started to shake and before I knew it I was next to her on the ground, holding her tight. It didn’t take long for the boys to join us.

  My mom wiped her face and began to stand up on shaking legs. Jasper caught her before she fell. “Mom, are you okay?”

  She waved him off. “Stop fussing. We should get back before you all catch a cold.”

  I nodded in agreement starting to feel the cold from my wet legs creep up my spine.

  “Can I, just, have a minute, first?” she asked, never taking her eyes off of Jack’s headstone. We left her alone, walking back to the car. Jasper shoved me back inside the truck and turned the heat on. Sometimes I swear he thought he now had to step up in Jack’s place. No one said anything as we waited for our mom to return. When she was done, Jasper jumped back out to help her back to the truck.

  As soon as we were back at the house, I changed into some dry clothes while I went through Jack’s stuff to find something clean for my mom. Unfortunately she was tiny, unlike Jack. She had to pull the string tight on the sweats I gave her, just so they would stay up. “Sorry, I don’t have anything else for you. I could swing by my place and get something if you like?”

  “Alexis, it’s fine.”

  “You don’t really have anything, do you? I mean, do you have a plan on what you’re going to do? Where you’re going to live? You can stay with me, but we’d have to share a bed, unless you want to stay with a bunch of stinky boys? Then you’ll have your own room, but…” I looked around at all Jack’s stuff. “I guess we could clean it out. We never discussed what we were going to do with his things,” I rambled.

  She stopped me by grabbing my chin. “Alexis, we will worry about that later. All I care about now is you and your brothers. I want to know everything that’s going on and why a girl as beautiful as you is still single.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Because boys are stupid and have cooties.” She laughed and how I missed that delicate laugh. I threw my arms around her, just needing to hold her. I just needed my mom. I felt her sigh as she rested her arms around me.

  “Knock, knock,” Jaxson said, instead of actually knocking. “Hey Alex, you need to share,” he pouted.

  “Now Jaxson, there’s plenty of me to go around,” she smiled, waving him over. Like a little kid on Christmas morning, his eyes lit up and he ran over to hug her. I think this was the most I’d ever hugged my brothers, but for the first time I didn’t mind, and I had no plan to let go anytime soon. “You are looking after your sister like I asked you?” she asked Jaxson.

  “Of course,” he said.

  I punched his arm and he glared at me. “Jaxson, Alexis is your other half. She’s not just your sister she’s your twin which is why I asked you specifically to keep an eye on her. You two have a different connection then the others. A special bond.”

  “He’s been a good brother,” I tell her, making Jaxson blush.

  “How about I make you guys some hot chocolate?”

  “Good luck, I don’t think they have anything like that here,” I mumbled, annoyed.

  “After the last hissy fit you threw, Jasper made sure we were always stocked.”

  “Oh,” I said giggling. My mom pulled back to look at me. “PMS,” I shrugged. She laughed and tugged us both into the kitchen.

  We spent all night talking and catching our mom up on all things ‘us’. I told her I would take her shopping tomorrow to get her what she needed and I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Jasper wanted to show her the shop and Jaxson wanted to show her the new mustang he was working on while Jacob just wanted to be near her. She promised she would do it all after we all had a good night’s rest. We shared Jack’s room and for the first time in a long time I slept through the night.

  I woke to the delicious aroma of bacon cooking. My nose pulled me out of bed and into the kitchen where my mom was making breakfast. “Mom, what are you doing?”

  “It’s been a while, but I think I can handle cooking some breakfast for my kids,” she smiled brightly over her shoulder.

  “You want some help?”

  “That would be lovely.” I didn’t even know where to start. It was like she robbed an IHOP. There was batter everywhere, toast, eggs, and everything else in between. I stuck with the easiest thing I knew how to make – eggs. By the time we were done the table was filled with every breakfast food you could think of. The boys helped themselves, digging in and creating more of a mess.

  I slapped their hands away. “Ladies first,” I growled.

  “Sorry mom,” Jasper said through a mouthful of pancake. I grabbed a plate to help myself when Jasper took it from me. “What are you doing? Ladies first, that means mom, Jacob, and Jaxson. You go last,” he smirked. I threw a piece of toast at him while Jacob and Jaxson threw bacon.

  “That’s enough,” mom scolded. “Jasper, really,” she put her hands on her hips and he lowered his head mumbling a pathetic apology. When she wasn’t looking I flipped him off. He opened his mouth to yell when mom whipped her head up to glare at him. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.

  After breakfast, we left the boys to clean up while I took mom to my place to get her some clothes that fit better and so she could wash up. I let her shower first while I went through my mail. I found a letter addressed to me with no return address. I was almost afraid to open it. There was a slight thumping in my chest as I turned the envelope over to open it. I pulled the letter out and was thankful I was standing next to the bed. I sunk like a log the moment my eyes recognized the handwriting.

  Alexis,

  I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I never loved someone as much as I love you. I love you Alex. I know I’m not good enough for you, that I don’t deserve you, but if you give me the chance I will prove to you every day just how much I love you. All I ever wanted was to show you how much you mean to me. The things you do to me just when you’re around. I never felt true pain until the day I lost you. It hurts to breathe. It hurts just at the thought of someone else touching your skin, kissing those lips. If you’ll let me, I’ll be the man you want me to be. I know you love me too or at least at one time you did. I’m taking a little trip and I want you to join me. If you say no, then I understand and I promise I will leave you alone. But if you still love me, meet me at our spot. The place we first met a year ago on New Year’s Eve. I will be waiting. If you don’t show, then I guess this is my goodbye, but I hope that’s not the case. It’s completely up to you, whatever you decide, I will do my best to honor your decision.

  Love always,

  Casper

  I stared blankly at the letter. He thought he wasn’t good enough for me, when all this time I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I still thought I wasn’t. He needed someone who loved him with their whole heart. Mine was too broken and currently unable to be pieced back together. “Honey, are you okay?” my mom asked, startling me.

  I jumped up from the bed and turned away from her, hoping she hadn’t seen the few tears I’d shed. I quickly wiped away the wetness on my cheeks and walked over to my desk to throw Casper’s letter inside the drawer. I stopped when I spotted Jack’s letter, still unopened. “What’s that?”

  “Nothing,” I said, throwing the letter inside the drawer and slamming it shut. “I’m going to get in the shower.”
I grabbed my things and walked past her quickly. I turned the water on and stepped inside the shower washing away the tears that were now streaming down my face. I was angry, upset, and hurt. Everything inside me felt like it was collapsing in on itself. How dare he do this to me! How dare he make me feel! I don’t want to feel. I want to be numb. Everything was better when I felt nothing. When I closed myself off and kept myself from getting hurt. That was until I met Casper. I knew the moment I met him he was going to change something inside of me. I knew he was the one who was going to break me.

  “Alexis?” I barely heard her over the sound of the rushing water and my sobbing. She pulled the curtain back to find me curled up in a ball on the floor of the tub. Turning off the water, she reached behind her to grab a towel and wrapped it around me. “Alexis, honey, come here.” She coaxed me out of the tub and into my bedroom where I rested my head in her lap while she stroked my hair as I cried.

  When I was finally able to pull myself together I sat up. “You want to talk about it?” she asked. I shook my head no. “We don’t have to go shopping today. If you just want to stay in that’s perfectly fine with me.”

  “No, no. You need stuff.”

  “Alexis, you are more important than anything I need. It can wait.”

  “I’m fine, really. Besides, I have a gift card to the shoe store that’s burning a hole in my pocket,” I said, forcing a smile. She didn’t argue with me. Instead she left so I could get dressed.

  I went a little crazy at the mall. I spent my entire gift card and then some. I offered to buy my mom’s things but she told me she had plenty of money and to save mine. I think I bought more than she did. We had lunch and after dropping all of our things off at my place, I took her to Jasper’s shop. He paraded her around like she was royalty, introducing her to everyone and anyone who came into the shop.

  The week flew by and before I knew it, it was New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t made any plans. Jasper was having people over and with everything going on I didn’t even think about Casper’s letter until today. I was so busy spending all my time with my mom and getting her settled in, that I forced myself to focus on what was important. Jasper, as promised, had given me a tattoo in honor of Jack. I had gotten a small heart on the outside of my wrist with the letter J in the middle. My brothers had the same thing done, but each with a different letter so when we put our hands together it spelled Jack. My mom was so touched by our love for our brother she decided to get a tattoo as well. But not just for Jack, for all of us. She had Jasper put it on her hip. Five hearts in a circle, each the color of our birthstone.