Real Vampires and the Viking

by Gerry Bartlett

  Gretchen rolled her eyes while Jerry looked like he was about to stomp his foot like a petulant boy.

  “You are not going to have my cousin for your mistress, Viking. Or ruin my honeymoon.” Jerry gave me a hot look. “Damn you for falling into our path.”

  “I did not fall into your path apurpose, sir. And I am mightily sorry if you mislike my wooing of Lady Gretchen. But she is not minding it, are you, sweet lady?” Gunnar had the nerve to grin. Now I had two little boys in the room. “I promise to look away if the Lady Gloriana wishes to dance naked around the room for you. That would be a honeymoon pleasure, eh?” He laughed, clearly recovering the fine mood he’d been in after his visit with Gretchen.

  “There will be no dancing, naked or otherwise, while you are here with us.” I held onto Jerry before he threw a punch. “You heard Jerry. This is for one day only. Which is almost upon us.” I smiled at Gretchen. “I’m sure Gretchen is anxious to get home before sunrise.”

  “Yes, I must go.” She stood, patting Gunnar on the chest when he hurried to help her stand in case she was still weak. “I am fine. Really. And it’s not a problem getting home. I live but a short drive from here.”

  “I’m sure we will find Gunnar’s gold soon, very soon, and then we can help him set up his own place. Right?” I walked her to the door, staying between Jerry and Gunnar. “Until then we can pay for his room and give them the same instructions we did for us.”

  “It is to be hoped he can pay me back some day.” Jerry jerked open the door, putting his hand on Gretchen’s shoulder. “Are you sure you’re all right to drive home?”

  “Surely you have a driver for your sleigh. Outriders.” Gunnar looked worried. “You are clearly highborn and shouldn’t ride about unprotected.”

  Gretchen laughed. “I have something better than a sleigh. I can’t wait to show you tomorrow night. And don’t worry about me, Gunnar. I am used to taking care of myself. I have for hundreds of years. My husband is usually too busy to hover over me.” She sighed but then let her eyes linger on Gunnar. “Which I’m beginning to appreciate.”

  I hugged her goodbye. “Thanks for coming. Take care.”

  “I will. If I feel weak when I get outside, I’ll take a taxi.” She blew a kiss to Gunnar who seemed to realize he’d been boxed out by us but was letting it go. “I’ll see you all tomorrow night. As soon as I can get away. Since Fredrick is actually in town I must make a small effort to be with him. Spend a little time proving I am still his wife. It won’t take long, never does these days.” She laughed. “Of course no one is as quick as my Viking.”

  “Gunnar, you have just been insulted.” Jerry was in a better mood as he shut the door.

  “She did not complain to me.” Gunnar still stared at the door. “But I know there is much to learn in this time. The women, they are different, I think.”

  “You’d better believe it.” Jerry winked at me. “There’s a spare pillow and blanket in the closet in the bathroom. I’ll get them.”

  “What do you say, Gloriana? She said I was quick.” Gunnar pulled off his new sweater and tossed it on the bench at the foot of the bed. “Is quick a bad thing? My wife was always eager to be done with our bedsport.” He sat down to pull off his boots.

  “Women these days prefer that men take their time, get them ready before a man . . .” I knew Jerry wouldn’t like this line of conversation. “Ask Gretchen to tell you what she likes. If she allows you to lie with her again.” I saw he was thinking of taking off his jeans. “Leave your pants on, Gunnar. Jerry doesn’t want you to get naked in front of me.”

  “He is acting like one of the priests who used to come to our village. Don’t do this, don’t do that. The man needs to--”

  “He gets jealous, Gunnar. Didn’t you protect your wife from other men and their lustful looks?” I hoped Jerry wasn’t listening to this conversation. Gunnar had basically said Jer had a stick up his butt.

  “But you have already seen me.” Gunnar stretched, watching me to see if I was watching him. Of course I was. “No matter. I am sure Gretchen will let me have her again. She screamed her delight.” He grinned and wiggled his toes in the soft rug. “Some things never change, no matter the century. Now, I want a hot bath again. I liked that bathing tub with the endless water.”

  “Jerry will fix you up.” I sat in a chair and picked up the remote for the TV. Time for a little culture shock. “See this? I am going to turn on a television set. It is a box with pictures and sound. For entertainment. Watch.” I hit the on button and the flat screen above the fireplace came to life.

  “Fostra av Gud!” Gunnar jumped a foot and ran for the fireplace poker. And no wonder. There was a movie on with a really good battle going. World War II was being won or lost on the beaches of Normandy.

  “Don’t you dare!” I threw myself between him and the really expensive HD TV. Jerry arrived just in time to wrestle the poker away from Gunnar.

  “Hey, relax. It’s not real.” Jerry was trying not to laugh. Of course it seemed very realistic with the surround sound--bombs dropping, screams of pain and heavy artillery taking aim at the men on the beach.

  I ran for the remote and hit mute.

  “What is it?” Gunnar sat on the bench, mesmerized. “Blood. I can’t smell… Not real?”

  Jerry reached up and touched the bright red on the screen then held his finger out for Gunnar to examine. “No. See? It’s just a picture. A show. For amusement.”

  “People enjoy watching death? War?” Gunnar was not exactly turning away in disgust himself.

  “Some do.” I took off the mute, pushed a button and the screen changed to the Weather Channel in Swedish.

  “They say we are having snow tonight and tomorrow. Why? I could look out a window and see that.” Gunnar glanced at me. “You do that? Change the picture?”

  “Yes, this button changes what you can watch.” I hit it again and we were at a soccer game.

  “Leave it there. I’d like to see how England did yesterday.” Jerry sat on the bed.

  “Men playing with a ball. We used to have challenges of strength. These men look like they are testing their skills with the ball against each other.” Gunnar leaned closer to the screen. “You like this, Jeremiah? Do you play this game?”

  I realized this was the first time Gunnar had called Jerry by his first name and he’d used the one Gretchen and Jerry’s family preferred. This was progress. Some male bonding. Jerry started explaining some of the rules of the game and where the teams were from as I went into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. But I had a problem. What to wear. I’d only brought the skimpiest, sexiest nighties I owned. I wasn’t about to put on one of those. So I settled for wearing one of the toweling robes the hotel had provided. I could slip out of it after we got under the down comforter in bed. At least Jerry and I could snuggle right before we died at sunrise.

  I was beginning to understand Jerry’s frustration. A third wheel on my honeymoon. Was any fortune worth that? And what were the odds the fortune would be there after over a thousand years anyway?

  Gunnar had been traumatized. That was the only word for it. He clutched the seat so hard that the leather would probably have permanent finger marks on it. Gretchen patted him when she took her hand off the wheel. She’d picked us up in a luxury SUV. The hotel had a driveway on the side opposite from where we’d arrived by dogsled. Taxis and cars used the paved road and it led to a modern highway that was kept cleared of snow.

  Our Viking couldn’t seem to take it all in. Motorized vehicles were new, terrifying and fascinating to him. Jerry could relate. He’d suffered from amnesia not too long ago, stuck in a time before any of this had been invented. I remembered all too well how scared he’d been riding in his favorite sports car. Fortunately he’d recovered his memories. At least this shared experience made him sympathetic. He patiently explained everything we saw to Gunnar and even talked him into the car, offering to sit in the back with him. Not happening of course. Gunna
r wanted to stay near Gretchen. She strapped him in, ignoring his complaints. Sweden had a law about seatbelts, just like Texas did.

  “We should be getting close to the area that Google Maps says used to be Gunnar’s village.” Gretchen had driven us into Stockholm. The city was a bustling metropolis. The area Gunnar had named was in what Gretchen called “Old Town.”

  “No, this cannot be. Where is the forest? The sea?” Gunnar jumped when Gretchen lowered his window from her side.

  “This is it all right. And you look sick. Is the car’s motion making you ill?” She touched his fist where it rested on his knee. “If you have to vomit, say something and I’ll pull over.”

  “A man does not do that. I stood on the deck of my longship and never once did my stomach heave.” But he swallowed, like maybe he wouldn’t have a choice.

  “Was your village on the sea, Gunnar?” Jerry leaned forward. “I’m not surprised the forest is gone. We call it progress. They cut down trees to build houses and shops.” He glanced at me. “There are even some shops here Gloriana would probably enjoy visiting.”

  Jerry knew me so well. We’d already passed a couple of resale shops with displays that made me hang onto the door handle. Not that I’d leap out of the car, but, oh, did I want to explore a little. No, we were on a mission for Gunnar.

  “Stop this thing!” Gunnar leaned out of the open window. “I can’t--”

  Gretchen pulled over to the curb and parked. Jerry jumped out, jerked open the door and dragged Gunnar out after a brief struggle with that seat belt. Jer helped the Viking to a spot next to a bush and we heard retching.

  “Well, I guess he did get car sick. How mortifying for him.” Gretchen tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. “We’ll pretend we didn’t see a thing. For his pride.”

  “Why are things so different here? I understand about the trees being gone, but what about the sea?” I eyed those shops just a few yards away. Maybe Jerry and I could come back another time without the Viking.

  “This area used to be on the Baltic Sea but dirt, silt, I guess you call it, has built up. Now we are on a lake, Mälären. And it is farther away. Poor Gunnar will not recognize any of this.” Gretchen turned around and made a wry face at me. “We figured out that it has been more than a thousand years since his time! I feel sorry for him, I do. But this talk of treasure is foolish. He won’t find it.”

  “I will. By Thor, I vow it.” Gunnar pushed his head in the open window. “You think me a fool. I am not.” He stomped away, looking around like he just knew there would be a sign of his ancient civilization somewhere.

  “Let me talk to him.” I got out of the car.

  “Give him this water to rinse out his mouth.” Gretchen handed me a bottle.

  “Gloriana.” Jerry leaned against the car. “What good will talking to him do?”

  “I don’t know. Humor me.” I didn’t remind Jerry that I had some experience in dealing with a man who was stuck in a time he didn’t know. I followed Gunnar, saw him lean down and pick up a handful of snow, then the soil beneath it, sifting it through his fingers before tossing it away. He muttered something when he noticed me behind him.

  “Is this a joke to you? Watching me when there is no hope?” He stood, his shoulders back but his eyes bleak.

  “Not at all. I want you to hope. Here.” I gave him the water and he rinsed out his mouth then spit on the ground.

  “I thank you. That machine…”

  “Didn’t move like a ship. I understand.” I took his arm. “Let’s keep walking.” I inhaled and caught a whiff of what must be the lake nearby. “Come with me.” I pulled him down the sidewalk. I knew Jerry was following us, not trusting Gunnar alone with me. I heard Gretchen’s car start. She was following too.

  “What are you doing?” Gunnar let me lead him though. I think he was too discouraged to resist.

  “Looking for clues.” I knew we were getting closer and even the Viking sensed it, his nose flaring as he suddenly walked faster. “You had a long ship, you said. Were you a captain?”

  “More than that. I had a flotta, many long ships. I sailed for King Olaf to many lands.” His shoulders were back again, as if he remembered his glory days.

  “You must have been very important.”

  “I was a warrior, well respected. Olaf knew he could trust me to know who was fiende and who was a friend.” He inhaled again. “I smell the sea. How did you know?” He was the one pulling me now as we hurried down the street. Sure enough a quay was just ahead, boats tied up to docks. “These batars look strange. Where are their masts, their rigging?”

  “You know how Gretchen’s car runs on a motor? So do these boats.” I pulled my hand from his tight grip. “Was your treasure near here?”

  “Nay, it was on an island.” Gunnar peered into the darkness, the lights on the pier did little to help us see if there was an island across the dark water. “It was en timmes hard rowing to get there.” He pointed into the mist which had formed near the piers. “Across the sea. That direction.”

  “He means an hour. There is an island out there.” Gretchen had parked and walked up on his other side.

  “Shouldn’t take much time at all in a motor boat.” Jerry stepped to my side and he took my hand. “What do you know about the island he’s talking about, Gretchen?”

  “Was it Bjärkö, Gunnar?” Gretchen touched his shoulder. “It’s still there but was abandoned right after King Olaf died. We call it Birka now.”

  “Dead. Yes, of course he died.” Gunnar looked down at the ground. “All dead. All the fine men that I knew and fought beside.” He stared across the water. “Bjärkö. Yes, that is where I hid my treasure. I can take you right to it.”

  “What’s out there now?” Jerry was eager to get on with this treasure hunt.

  “It’s an archaeological dig. And,” Gretchen laughed, “a museum that is supposed to show how the Vikings once lived. Gunnar will have to tell us if it’s accurate.”

  “We should go now.” Gunnar eyed the boats.

  “No, we’ll have to hire a boat to get over there. And we’ll need to do some advanced planning, won’t we, Gretchen? Research. I can’t see us just jumping into a boat tonight and showing up over there with a shovel.” I wondered about this archaeological dig. Of course they wouldn’t be working it at night. Probably not in the winter at all. The museum wouldn’t be open either. Though many shops were open after dark because of the short daylight hours.

  “Why not? We should go now. What do we wait for?” Gunnar turned to Jerry, clearly ready to go. “Jeremiah, do you know how to captain one of these bätar with motors?”

  “I think so. But we need a chart, or a guide who knows these waters. What do you think, Gretchen?” Jerry was just eager enough to get rid of Gunnar that I could see he was thinking about hijacking someone’s boat.

  “Now, Jerry…” I could only shake my head.

  “Fredrick has a boat and I’ve driven it many times. He keeps it at a marina not far from here.” Gretchen sighed. “I don’t know if we should take it without discussing it with him first.”

  “You want to tell your husband about me?” Gunnar gripped her arms. “What will happen if he senses we are lovers?”

  “We are not lovers.” Gretchen stepped back from him. “We had a moment, that’s all. But you are right, I don’t want to throw you in his face. Our open marriage isn’t working at the moment. Fredrick has decided to be possessive this time. He smelled you on me last night when I came home and it upset him. I don’t usually take vampire lovers.” She flushed. “Not that we are lovers.”

  “How upset was he? Did he beat you?” Gunnar showed his fangs while the rest of us quickly looked around to make sure no mortals were nearby. Fortunately most of the boats had been put up for the winter and this wasn’t exactly a good night for a stroll along the harbor. It was freezing cold and we all wore heavy coats.

  “It’s none of your business what happens between me and my husband.” Gretchen turned
as if to go back to her car.

  “That is not an answer, woman.” Gunnar laid a gentle hand on her shoulder and she winced. “Why are you making a face? Is this where he hurt you? Show us!” He tried to make her open her coat and she slapped at his hand.

  “Leave me alone! I said it is my business, none of yours.” She looked near tears.

  “Wait a damned minute.” Jerry jumped in front of her. “Gunnar is right. You didn’t answer. And now it’s obvious the man did hurt you.” Jerry touched her cheek when a tear slid down it. “You don’t have to put up with that shit, Gretchen. Are you unhappy? Do we need to have a talk with Fredrick? Gunnar and I would be glad to intervene for you. Right, Gunnar?”

  “If you mean we would go see the bastard, stuff his cock in his mouth then make him swallow it before we drive a stake through his black heart. Yes.” Gunnar dropped to his knees beside Gretchen and took her hand. “Dearling, you must not allow this man to hurt you. Jeremiah and I will take much pleasure in killing him for you and setting you free.”

  “That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it would work.” Jerry gave Gunnar a nod of approval.

  “No! Fredrick will come around. You can’t kill him. We have been together for hundreds of years. Something is making him change lately. He has never been this short of temper with me before.” Gretchen was wringing her hands and her shoulders were hunched. The strong confident woman was gone and a shaking, scared woman had taken her place.

  “So he did beat you.” Gunnar was on his feet again. He looked around and saw a wooden fence nearby. With a quick jerk he pulled up a picket and waved it around above his head like he had a sword and was ready for war. “I will put this through his heart and he will never touch you again.”

  “I said no.” Gretchen had tears running down her cheeks now. “Let me find out what is wrong with him. We must go ask about the boat first. You do need money if you are to survive in this time. That is our first priority.”