Avoidance

by Kristen Granata

  “You said it yourself – all of your troubles began with your mother. That means they will end with her, too. You have spent your life running around your problems. Now, it’s time for you to learn how to cut through them, so that you can finally move past them.”

  I took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly.

  “What are you afraid of?” he asked.

  I thought for a moment, searching for the words to explain how I was feeling. “Honestly, I’m scared of hearing the truth. In my mind, she left because she was a bad person. It makes it easier to blame her, to hate her, if I keep telling myself that she left because something was wrong with her.” I looked down at my feet, thinking aloud. “I’m afraid of hearing that she left because she wasn’t happy with us… with me.”

  One corner of his mouth turned up, as he held my gaze.

  “What?” I asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

  “That was such an honest answer. Your progress and strength has made me so proud, Merritt.”

  “Thanks. I really couldn’t have come this far without you.”

  “You could have. You just need to believe in yourself. You are your biggest obstacle.”

  “I think this will be my biggest obstacle.” I pulled out my phone and texted Shelly for Claire’s number. I knew she had saved it, in the hopes I would come to this very moment.

  While we finished eating, I decided to text Chase, as well. I hoped I could catch him before he went on stage tonight; I hoped we could smooth things over.

  As I stepped into my apartment later, my phone sounded from inside my purse. Chase was actually calling me. My stomach twisted nervously as I answered.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. I saw your call. I go on in a few minutes.” He didn’t sound any different than when we had spoken hours earlier, and my heart sank.

  “I’ll make it quick then. Shelly sent me the pictures from your show last night,” I began. “You look so happy in them.”

  “Thanks.”

  “It’s funny,” I faked a laugh. “She called me freaking out, saying that you had your arm around some blonde chick.”

  “Why is that funny?”

  “I… I guess it’s not. I tried to explain to her that there was probably a perfectly good explanation as to why you would be… hugging another girl like that in pictures.” I held my breath, waiting for his reaction.

  “What is this about, Merritt?”

  “It’s about how you have no time to talk to me, yet you have plenty of time to hang out with other girls!” I blurted out, frustrated with his shortness.

  “Other girls? I perform, and girls want pictures with the band. You know what it’s like.”

  “You know, I was hoping you would feel sorry for the way you spoke to me this morning, but I can see that you clearly don’t care.”

  “I told you I was sorry, but maybe you didn’t catch that before you hung up on me.”

  “I was mad.”

  “Well, maybe I’ve been mad, too! Jesus Christ, Merritt. I am going through hell over here without you. You left. Part of me knows deep down you never wanted to come in the first place, and I know it’s my own fault for dragging you here… but I like it here! I’m happy here. I just wish you could have been happy here with me.”

  I thought about the pictures. Chase’s expression exuded happiness – he was happy. He was experiencing life, and living out his dream. Then, T.J.’s words entered my mind. He was worried that I was not getting the kind of love I needed; however, I was the one who wasn’t giving Chase what he needed. It was selfish of me to try to hold on to him from afar – to drag him through everything I was going through here. I was screwed up. I was the broken one who needed fixing. Like an anchor weighing him down, I was only causing him pain. He didn’t deserve this. Moreover, I didn’t deserve him. Tears stung my eyes as the realization of what I had to do suddenly became so clear in my mind.

  “I’m sorry, Chase. I know this isn’t fair to you. You deserve to be free, and have the time of your life over there. You don’t need all of my baggage bogging you down.”

  “Merritt, wait.” He heaved a sigh. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “You can admit it. I don’t blame you for being angry with me. You should be able to do whatever you want with your life. I don’t want to stop you.” Silent tears fell from my eyes. “Your dad told me to make sure that I help you, because he couldn’t. I thought that by going to California with you, I could help you become everything you’ve always wanted to become. But, I’m starting to see that there is only one way for me to help you.”

  “Please, I know what you’re thinking.” He began to scramble, sensing what I was about to say. “That won’t help me.”

  “I’m a mess, Chase.” I laughed once. “I’m a mess, and you’re the Golden Boy. I am trying to get my act together here, I really am… but the truth of the matter is: you deserve so much better than this. You deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

  “You love me, Merritt. You love me, and I love you. You’re everything I need.”

  “I’m not. I wish I was.”

  “Chase! Let’s go, man! We’re on!” I heard someone shout from his side of the phone.

  “I’ll be right there. Just give me a minute,” Chase shouted back. “Merritt, listen. I have to go right now, but I am going to call you the second I step foot off that stage. Please say you will answer. Please say we can work this out. I’m sorry I was so short with you today. I truly am. I’m just under so much stress, I’m tired all the time, and I hate being away from you. It won’t happen again. That girl in those pictures Shelly sent you is just a girl. She’s a fan of the band, and she asked for a picture. I don’t even know her name. You have to believe me.”

  “I do believe you.” I squeezed my eyes shut, mustering up the last few ounces of strength that I had left. I knew this would hurt him, but it would be better for him in the long run. “I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye.”

  “You’re just letting me go perform, and then I’ll call you back. Right?”

  “No, Chase. I’m letting you go. You deserve better than me. You deserve to be happy.”

  “You make me happy!” His voice was strained, desperate to change my mind.

  “I love you so much. I’m sorry… for everything.” I ended the call, shut my phone, and stared at the blank screen. I had just walked away from the love of my life.

  Chapter Fourteen: Down the Rabbit Hole

  I did not sleep at all. I kept my phone off, knowing I wouldn’t have the heart to ignore Chase’s calls once he finished performing. I went through alternating hours of heartache and acceptance. It killed me to break up with him, especially right before he went on stage. Despite how much it hurt, I felt in my heart that I was doing the best thing for him. He would see it, eventually.

  I had a full day at work ahead of me, and still had not done T.J.’s homework. I had to find a way to push the pain from the forefront of my mind and get out of bed. I knew I had to make the dreaded call to Claire before I saw T.J. Reluctantly, I turned on my phone, and tried to ignore the multiple alerts from Chase that came through.

  I stared at Claire’s number on my phone and listened to the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. My thumb hovered over the call button as I thought about each scenario that could happen when I called her. I thought about why I was here – how I got here; I had left the person I loved on the other side of the country in order to undo the giant knot I had entangled myself in. Perhaps, the sooner I hashed things out with my mother, the sooner I could move past all of the hurt and resentment I had built up inside. Maybe I could even turn myself into someone that Chase would deserve. My thumb hit the button, and I held my breath while I listened to the ringing. It rang, and rang, and I was just about to hang up when I heard the ringing stop.

  “Hello?”

  “Uh, yeah. Is this Claire?”

  “Merritt?”

  “Yeah.”


  “I didn’t think you would call.”

  “I didn’t want to, but… I’m doing this for myself. Not for you.”

  “I’m sorry. I just… I really need to talk to you. I’m not okay with the way we left things.”

  I chuckled. “The way we left things? Do you mean when I told you to go away, or when you disappeared for eight years?”

  There was a pause on the other side of the phone. “I heard you’re not in New York anymore. Is that true?”

  “I wasn’t. I’m back now.”

  “Oh, that’s good news.”

  “Yeah, it’s great,” I said flatly.

  “Do you think we could meet? I would really like to sit down with you, face to face.”

  “That’s funny. You could have seen my face every day for the last eight years, but you chose not to. Why all of a sudden?”

  “It’s not all of a sudden. I’ve been trying to do this for a long time, now.”

  “Guess you didn’t try hard enough. I’ve been in the same spot since you left.”

  “I’m here now. That’s what matters.”

  “You’re here, and Dad’s not. Doesn’t really seem fair.”

  “No. It’s not fair. Nothing in this life is fair.”

  I was silent. I couldn’t argue that fact.

  “Maybe you’re free tonight? We could meet somewhere – wherever you choose. Just name the time and I’ll be there.”

  “We can do it at my apartment. I don’t want to do this in public.”

  “That’s fine. What time? I can bring takeout if you’d like.”

  “Don’t bring me anything. Be here at seven.”

  “Seven. Got it.”

  I pulled the phone away from my ear and ended the call. Glancing at the clock, I went to the bathroom and got ready for work.

  Everyone was silent when I walked into the shop. Beverly, Charlotte, and Tanner’s faces all wore the same expression.

  “Geeze. Who died?” I stopped and thought about what I had said. “Did someone die?”

  “How are you?” Charlotte asked.

  “I’m fine,” I responded, lifting a suspicious eyebrow. “How are you?”

  “Chase called me last night,” Tanner blurted out.

  “Oh.” Now I understood the awkward silence. I immediately looked at Beverly. “Am I fired?”

  I could tell she was trying not to laugh. “No, of course not! Do you think your job is contingent upon you staying with Chase?”

  “I never really thought about it.”

  Tanner walked around the counter, and rested his arm on my shoulders. “I told you not to break my brother’s heart.”

  I craned my neck to look up at him. “It won’t be broken for long. He’ll move on. You’ll see.”

  “You’re an idiot if you really believe that.” He turned and walked towards the garage door. “Let’s go. We’ve got work to do.”

  “You’re not an idiot,” Charlotte called after me.

  As I stepped into the garage, I called T.J.

  “What’s up, Curly Sue?”

  “So, I did your homework.”

  “Oh, yeah? What happened?”

  “She wants to meet tonight. She’s coming over at seven.”

  “So, you’re calling to tell me that you won’t make it to training tonight.”

  “Yes, but for good reason! I’m following through with my homework assignment.”

  “Fine. I’ll allow it, just this once.”

  “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll train for an extra hour tomorrow.”

  “What makes you think I want to train you for two hours?”

  “Oh. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “Relax, I’m kidding.”

  “Oh.”

  “You okay? You’re not firing your usual insults back at me.”

  “I… I broke up with Chase last night.”

  “Shit. All because of the girl in the picture?”

  “No. That was nothing.”

  “Okay. Well, you can tell me about it tomorrow. Are you going to be okay with your mom tonight?”

  “I have no idea. I just need to get through work, first.”

  “You know my number if you need to talk. I’ll be here.”

  “I know. You have no life. I remember.”

  “There she is.”

  I cracked a smile. “Goodbye, T.J.”

  “Bye, doll face.”

  * * *

  At seven o’clock on the dot, I heard a knock from outside.

  My hand shook as I turned the knob to open the door. This was it.

  Claire smiled nervously. “Hi, Merritt.”

  Without a smile in return, I took a step back and gestured for her to come in.

  “Thank you.” She walked into the apartment and took off her coat. “Where would you like me to put this?”

  “Just lay it on the couch,” I pointed.

  “It’s so nice in here.” She looked around and draped her coat over the armrest of the couch.

  “Yeah. The Brooks took care of me when I had nothing and no one left.”

  “They’re good people.”

  We stared at each other in silence for a few moments, unsure of what to say next. I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible, but I did not have a clue where to start.

  “So,” she began. “I don’t know if I should start at the beginning, or the end.”

  I shrugged.

  “I think if I start at the end, everything will make more sense. I can backtrack from there.”

  “Whatever.” I sat on the opposing couch, and braced myself for what was about to happen.

  She took a shaky breath, and her eyes remained on mine. “I am an alcoholic.”

  Stunned, as if I had been hit over the head with a bag of bricks, I said nothing.

  “It took me so many years to finally be able to say those words – and to get up the courage to say them to you.”

  I remained silent, waiting for her to continue. Words had not yet formed into thoughts inside of my brain.

  “Your father and I were young when we had you. Your dad went to work every day; I was left home alone with a newborn baby. I had no clue what I was doing. You would cry, and I would cry right along with you. I didn’t know it then, but I was suffering from postpartum depression. Do you know what that is?”

  “Yes, I know what that is. Everyone knows what that is.”

  “Well, back then, I didn’t. All I knew was that I felt such a heaviness in my chest whenever I looked at you. I stayed up at night, worrying about every little thing that could possibly happen. I was sleep-deprived, and anxiety-ridden. I would beg your father not to leave me each morning, but he would just tell me that I was doing a great job and had nothing to worry about.

  I didn’t tell my doctor what I was going through because I was embarrassed. When I said it out loud, it sounded like I hated being a mother. It sounded like I hated my baby.” She leaned in. “I never hated you. Not once. But, I was in pain, and I needed to find something to make the pain stop. It started with wine. I would drink a glass while you were taking your afternoon nap. Then, it increased to two glasses, and before I knew it, I was finishing a bottle each day.”

  “Didn’t Dad see that you were drunk when he came home?” That was the first coherent question that had formed.

  “Your father looked at me through rose-colored glasses. I could do no wrong, and even if I did, he would not have admitted it.”

  “That’s the first thing we agree on.”

  She nodded. “I got really good at hiding it. I know it sounds terrible that I was drunk while taking care of a baby, but I was able to function. I didn’t drink to black out, and I never threw up. I just needed something to numb the pain.”

  A knot formed in my throat as I listened to her explanation. As scary as it was to admit it, even if just to myself, I understood exactly what she was saying.

  “Over the years, wine turned into cocktails, and cocktails turned into straight vodka
. I was able to drink without anyone noticing a thing.”

  “So, you’re an alcoholic. How does that explain why you left?”

  “I went out to dinner one night with my friends from the law firm. My boss approached me at the end of the night about drinking on the job. He had found a bottle of vodka in my desk drawer. His ex-wife was an alcoholic, and he recognized the signs. He told me about a great rehab facility that I could go to. He offered to pay for it and everything. I was embarrassed, and I knew that going to rehab would mean that I would have to tell your father the truth… and that you would find out, too. I denied having a problem, and told him that everything was fine. After all, it was fine. No one was getting hurt from my drinking. Until the night someone did get hurt.”

  My eyes widened as realization set in. My mind raced to connect all of the dots. “You were drunk the night you picked me up from Shelly’s house and crashed into the fire hydrant?”

  Her eyes filling up with tears for the first time. “I was worried about losing my job. My boss threatened to fire me if I didn’t tell your father the truth and get help. The drinking always seemed to worsen whenever I was worried about something. I thought I was okay to drive the night I went to get you from Shelly’s. I ran a red light without even realizing that it was red, and another car almost smashed right into us. I panicked when I realized what I had done, and lost control of the car.”

  “You said a squirrel ran out in front of your car… but you were drunk.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I had to get stitches from the broken glass that fell on me!”

  “It was the first time I had hurt you, and I swore it would never happen again. The only problem was that I couldn’t stop drinking. I tried.” She wiped a tear that had escaped. “I couldn’t stop. I checked myself into the rehab facility that my boss had told me about, but it wasn’t that easy. I had to undo thirteen years of drinking. I fell off the wagon countless times.”

  I sat up in my chair. “Let me get this straight – you chose abandoning your family over simply telling them the truth, and letting them help you. How do you justify that?”

  All she could do was shrug her shoulders. “I don’t have an answer for you. I was an addict. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just knew that I couldn’t allow myself to be around the people I loved anymore. If something would have happened to you that night… if that accident was worse…”