Avoidance

by Kristen Granata

  “Merritt?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks for calling.”

  “Sure.”

  * * *

  “Harder! Punch!” T.J. shouted.

  My shoulders burned as my fists fired furiously at the pad.

  “Three! Two! One! Time!” He lowered the pad while I caught my breath.

  “What time is it?” I gasped. “I need to leave here by six-thirty.”

  “You’ve got two minutes. Don’t worry. I’ve been keeping my eye on the time.”

  “My stomach is in knots.”

  “I know. Just breathe.”

  “All your words of wisdom, and you just tell me to breathe?”

  He grinned. “I have faith in you. You need to have faith in yourself.”

  “I’ll be fine once it’s over.”

  “Call me when she leaves. We can talk it out.”

  I inhaled deeply. “Okay. Here I go.”

  “You’ve got this, Curly Sue!” he called as I exited the ring.

  I left the gym, and took a quick shower. After I finished getting ready, I paced in my living room, going over everything I planned to say.

  Again, my mother arrived promptly at seven o’clock with a knock on the door.

  I let her into my apartment, and she took the same seat on the couch as last time. This time, however, I sat next to her, leaving one cushion between us. She sensed the change, and shifted nervously in her seat.

  “I just wanted to start by saying I’m sorry about upsetting you last time,” she began.

  I held up my hand to stop her. “You don’t have to be sorry. I am sorry for how abruptly I made you leave. I have a habit of shutting down when I feel emotional. I’m working on it, and I will try to do better tonight.”

  She swallowed hard, and her eyes were wide. “Okay. Thank you. I understand.”

  “You shared a lot with me last time, so now I want to share some things with you. I have been struggling since Dad died, as I’m sure you can imagine. What you don’t know is that I fell in love with someone who helped me put the pieces of my life back together after that.”

  “The blonde one that was here the day I came?”

  I nodded. “He is a singer in a band. We went to California together in February to meet with a record label that wanted to sign him. It was right after you showed up out of the blue, and that brought back so many demons I had been running from for so long. While I was in Los Angeles, I started drinking… a lot. It just felt so good being drunk. It became something I counted on, something I needed, in order to shut off the constant thoughts inside my head. I craved that allover numb feeling from it.”

  I looked into my mother’s brown eyes, and knew that she was not judging me; I knew she understood. She placed her hand on my knee, and though I flinched, I forced myself to allow her to keep it there.

  “When I tried to stop drinking, I realized that I couldn’t; or I didn’t want to. So, I left. I came back home, and left Chase behind.”

  Claire swiped away a tear that had rolled down her cheek. “Merritt, you need to get help for your drinking. It can get so much worse.”

  “I have been working with someone for the past two months. I only made one mistake, and that won’t be happening again. I’m learning to deal with my emotions, and I’m getting stronger every day.”

  “That’s good to hear. You’ve always been strong-willed. If you say you’re going to do something, then I know you will. And what about Chase?”

  “We tried to make the long distance thing work, but after a while it hit me that he deserved someone better than me. I think I always knew, deep down, but I kept telling myself that I could be better – I could do more, or try harder.” I shrugged. “I broke up with him. We haven’t spoken in weeks.”

  She took both of my hands in hers. “Do you love him?”

  “I love him more than anything in this world. That’s why I had to let him go.”

  “No, Merritt,” she shook her head fervently. “You can’t let a love like that go. Believe me when I say: you will regret it for the rest of your life. I think you’re making a huge mistake.”

  “When you love someone, you have to do what is best for him, even if he doesn’t see it. Chase needs someone better.”

  “Better than you? I doubt that he could ever find someone that exists.”

  “You’re my mom. Of course you’re going to say that.”

  “I know I haven’t been around for these last important years of your life, but I still know you. I know who you are, and I know what is in your heart. Chase fell in love with you because he saw it, too. He chose to be with you, despite knowing your flaws. Nobody is perfect. Even if you think he is perfect, I can guarantee you – he is not.

  Don’t beat yourself up because of the way you handled a situation. Mistakes are necessary for us to learn from. Learn from yours, and use it to become an even better version of yourself. You deserve all of the wonderful things this world has to offer. You are worthy of love. Let people love you, and above all else, love yourself.”

  I felt my lip tremble as the tears surfaced.

  Claire touched the palm of her hand to my cheek. “My beautiful girl, stop punishing yourself. Even if you never forgive me, I beg you to forgive yourself. It is the most important thing you can ever do.”

  I wanted to remain tough – to not let her in – but I was exhausted. After all of the running I had done, my legs finally gave out. I had fought so hard to keep myself locked up in my fortress, and it was now time to let the gate down. “I am so sorry for everything,” I choked out as I sobbed. “I have been so mean to you.”

  Claire immediately wrapped her arms around me, and hugged me tight. “I know how angry and hurt you were. I’m just so grateful that you allowed me to explain myself. I know it doesn’t take back any of the horrors you had to go through, and I’m so sorry for that. I wish I could do it all over again.”

  “I just wish you didn’t leave. Everything might not have gotten so messed up.”

  “I know. I know.” She rocked me in her arms as I cried.

  “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right anymore. I just feel so lost.”

  “What do you want? What is it that makes you truly happy?”

  I pulled away from her, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. “It’s him. He makes me happy.”

  “Then be with him. You can get through anything, and you can do it together. Everything is so much harder when you’re alone.” She looked down as a tear fell onto her lap. “I left instead of giving your father the chance to help me through my issues. I regret it every second of every day.”

  “You do?”

  “I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving you. I thought I was protecting you from my mess. You and your father deserved better than an alcoholic mother and wife. I told myself that I wasn’t capable of giving you what you deserved. I left in the hopes that your lives would be better because of it; but, leaving the two of you was the biggest mistake I have ever made, and I will never get to undo it.”

  I reached out and took her hand in mine. “I’m sorry.”

  She kissed the top of my hand. “I’m sorry, too.”

  I looked into her eyes – the same eyes as mine – and I took a breath to steady my voice. “I forgive you.”

  She looked back at me in disbelief. Then, she hugged me again, and we cried in each other’s arms. Years of heartache and resentment poured out of our eyes, and washed away the pain. I did not know where we would go from here, but I knew that was not the point. All that mattered was what had happened in this moment. I had allowed myself to begin to forgive her, and I would learn to forgive myself.

  Eventually, I walked Claire to the door.

  “Think about what you want to do,” she said. “Let me know when you decide.”

  “I will.” I gave her one last hug before she stepped out onto the landing.

  She hesitated when she looked down at the cement stairs, causin
g me to stick my head out from behind the doorway.

  T.J. was sitting on the stairs, and quickly rose to his feet when he saw us. He moved out of the way so Claire could pass.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked. “Is everything okay?”

  “I’m fine. I came to make sure everything was okay with you.”

  “How long have you been sitting out here?”

  He shoved his hands into his pockets. “It’s a nice night. I wasn’t keeping track of the time.”

  I stepped down two steps and sat on the top landing. “It is a nice night.” I patted the empty space beside me.

  T.J. sat in between me and the railing. “How did it go?”

  I exhaled for what felt like the first time all day. “It went really well, actually. I opened up to her and told her about my drinking – why I started, how I couldn’t stop, and how I’ve been working with you to make sure it never happens again.” I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “She said a lot of things that sounded like you.”

  He smiled. “Like what?”

  “Like how I need to trust myself, and stop beating myself up about the mistakes that I’ve made. She said that mistakes are necessary for us to learn from. She also said that I need to let people love me, and to love myself.”

  “That’s all true. She’s been through a lot. She’s an addict in recovery, so she’s learning from all of her mistakes. She’s trying to make sure that you don’t go down the same path she took.”

  “She said she regrets her decision to leave every single day. It’s the one mistake she will never be able to fix. That’s a lot of guilt to live with.”

  “It is. We have to live with the choices we make, and they’re not always good.”

  I rested my elbows on my knees, and propped my head up with my hand. “She made me think twice about breaking up with Chase. I’m left with this feeling like I don’t know if I made the right choice or not.”

  “To me, the choice is crystal clear.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You have to ask yourself one question: do you love him?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then you need to fight for what you love. You’re a warrior, remember?”

  A slow smile began to creep onto my face. “Thanks for coming to check on me.”

  “Any time, doll face.”

  “You wouldn’t be here if you had a life, you know.” I leaned in and nudged him with my shoulder.

  “If it weren’t for Chase, you would be my life.”

  I caught my mouth before it dropped completely open. I looked into his eyes. “Tanner was right.” It came out as more of a statement than a question.

  T.J. averted his eyes. “The only time you can’t fight for what you love is when she’s in love with someone else.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “I didn’t want you to know.”

  “I’m so sorry. I can’t–”

  “I know,” he interrupted. “I know.”

  I covered his hand with mine. “You have done so much for me, T.J. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

  He stood and stretched his arms up over his head. “You can repay me by staying sober. Stop running away from your feelings. Your avoidance is your downfall.”

  I stood. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “You will.” He winked, and trotted down the stairs.

  I walked inside my apartment, and grabbed only my keys. I locked the door after stepping back outside, and jogged down to my car – the only thing I had left of my father. I started the engine, and rolled the windows down.

  The further I got from the city streets, the faster I went. I was not focused on where I was headed, as a million thoughts raced through my mind. For the first time, instead of craving a bitter liquid to dull my senses, I wanted to feel everything; I needed to feel every emotion that I had inside me – I needed my mind clear and sharp.

  I had forgiven my mother. Moreover, I allowed myself to. Had I not started drinking in California, I don’t know that I would have been able to forgive her. I would not have been able to truly understand what she went through; but I walked in her shoes, and I searched for solace in exactly the same places. Though forgiveness was not a quick wave of a wand, magically making everything better, I felt a heaviness lifted off of my shoulders. I still felt grief over the death of my father; I still felt heartache remembering my teenage years that were taken from me; I still felt hurt over the loss of my mother for eight important years of my life. Some feelings would never change. The one thing that was different, though, was the absence of hate. It was blatantly apparent. I no longer felt angry.

  Driving down the quiet road, the wind whipped through my hair. I recalled Chase sitting in the passenger seat after he had restored my Chevelle as a surprise for Christmas. He watched me whenever I drove it, his eyes always looking into my soul. He saw me for who I was during that time, and he accepted me for the shell of a person I had become. I was broken, cynical, and closed off. He fell in love with me in spite of it all. He brought the light back into the darkest places of my heart, and he showed me how good it could feel to be loved.

  I had pushed him away so many times before in the beginning, but this time felt different. I had cut off all communication with him, forcing a choice upon him that he did not ask for – much like my mother had done to me many years ago. It was a decision she regretted in hindsight – a decision that changed our lives forever. Why had I pushed Chase away? What was I scared of? T.J. had taught me to face everything, and deal with it. It was okay to be scared, but it was not okay to back down. I had to face my emotions. I had to face my fears.

  I slowed my car down, and came to a stop in front of a tree. Bark was missing from part of the trunk, while the remaining pieces were blackened and damaged. It took me a few seconds to realize where I was, where I had subconsciously driven to. Nine months ago, I had wrapped my car around this tree. I was trapped inside of the mangled metal, half-conscious, and was about to be burned alive. Chase had followed me there, and risked his life trying to pull me out of the wreckage.

  I stepped out of the car, and walked towards the tree. The grass was still missing from where my tires had skidded off the road. I touched the tree as the fragments of that night flashed through my mind. If it weren’t for Chase and his father, I would have died. Now, I was here and Tim was not. I was given a second chance that he was not so fortunate to receive. Life was short, and it would be a waste to spend it on the run from my feelings. Living in the past did not allow me to appreciate what I had in the present – and what I had was irreplaceable.

  I jumped back in my car, and sped off en route to my apartment. Thundering down the roads, I could not get home fast enough. The sense of urgency I felt only grew with each turn I made. Throwing the shifter into park, I sprinted to my stairs, and climbed them by twos. I didn’t waste time to catch my breath once I was inside my apartment. I had wasted too much time already.

  Chapter Seventeen: Guardian Angels

  “Would you stop bouncing your leg? You’re making me nervous!”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t help it,” I whined. “What’s taking so long?”

  Shelly slammed on her horn for the third time. “People drive like morons! Relax. It’s not like Chase is going anywhere.” Shelly did her best to calm my nerves as we sat in traffic just outside of the airport.

  Last night, I booked the first flight to California that was available. I didn’t call Chase to tell him I was coming. I didn’t want to explain everything on the phone, and I was afraid he would try to talk me out of it. I needed to see him in person, and it had to be soon. Every second that passed felt like another second too late to fix the mess I had created.

  “Finally!” Shelly shouted as the cars began to move. “I wish you would let me come with you.”

  “I need to do this on my own.”

  “Do you think T.J. is going to be pissed that you’re missing the last few training sess
ions?”

  “I’m hoping he understands.” I had texted him last night, explaining that I would be away for a few days. He did not respond.

  Shelly pulled up to the curb at the drop-off area. She popped her trunk, and leaned over the center console to give me a hug. “Text me when you land. Call me after you talk to him.”

  I hugged her tightly. “Thanks for driving.”

  “Thanks for finally coming to your senses.”

  I laughed. “Hopefully, it goes well.”

  “It will. I know it will.”

  I hoisted my luggage out of the trunk, and waved goodbye to Shelly one last time before entering the busy airport. Being here for the third time this year, I had memorized all the steps. I waited as patiently as I could until it was time to board. A Mothra-sized butterfly flapped her giant wings inside of my stomach when my flight number was called.

  I tried to sleep on the plane, but my nerves were on high alert. I recited all of the things I wanted to say to Chase in my head over and over again until we landed. Waiting for everyone to exit the plane felt like water torture, and waiting for my luggage was even worse. All I wanted to do was take off running until I arrived at Chase’s apartment.

  I checked the time while I waited for a cab outside. Chase would be just about to go on stage when I arrived – wherever he was playing. I knew that I would probably have to wait in his empty apartment until he returned after two o’clock in the morning. I tried to prepare myself for the fact that he might not be coming home alone; I had not thought of a plan for that scenario yet, and hoped I wouldn’t have to worry about it.

  I paid the cabbie when he parked in front of Clutch. Taking an enormous deep breath, I rolled my luggage through the familiar front door. The bar was exactly how I had left it – jam packed with people. I could see that a band was setting up on stage, and I stretched up onto my toes to catch a glimpse of any familiar faces. I made my way towards the bar, pulling my luggage through the crowd, still trying to see who was performing tonight. My luggage tilted sideways and rolled over someone’s foot.

  “Sorry!” I shouted back over my shoulder. I bent down to pick it up by the handle, and smacked right into someone’s back. I cringed, and looked up apologetically. When I saw who it was in a plain black t-shirt, and perfectly fitting jeans, my stomach did a backflip. It was Chase.