Complete Works of Oscar Wilde

by Oscar Wilde

  ALGERNON: (offering tea-cake): I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

  JACK: Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own house!

  ALGERNON: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

  JACK: I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

  ALGERNON: That may be. But the muffins are the same. (He seizes the muffin-dish from JACK.)

  JACK: Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

  ALGERNON: You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides, I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

  JACK: My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.

  ALGERNON: Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

  JACK: Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.

  ALGERNON: Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.

  JACK: Yes; but you said yourself it was not hereditary, or anything of that kind.

  ALGERNON: It usen’t to be, I know – but I dare say it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.

  JACK: May I ask, Algy, what on earth do you propose to do?

  ALGERNON: Nothing. That is what I have been trying to do for the last ten minutes, and you have kept on doing everything in your power to distract my attention from my work.

  JACK: Well, I shall go out into the garden, and see Gwendolen. I feel quite sure she expects me.

  ALGERNON: I know from her extremely cold manner that Cecily expects me so I certainly shan’t go out into the garden. When a man does exactly what a woman expects him to do she doesn’t think much of him. One should always do what a woman doesn’t expect, just as one should always say what she doesn’t understand. The result is invariably perfect sympathy on both sides.

  JACK: Oh, that is nonsense. You are always talking nonsense.

  ALGERNON: It is much cleverer to talk nonsense than to listen to it, my dear fellow, and a much rarer thing too, in spite of all the public may say.

  JACK: I don’t listen to you. I can’t listen to you.

  ALGERNON: Oh, that is merely false modesty. You know perfectly well you could listen to me if you tried. You always under-rate yourself, an absurd thing to do nowadays when there are such a lot of conceited people about. Jack, you are eating the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. (Removes plate.) I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.

  JACK: But I hate tea-cake.

  ALGERNON: Why on earth do you allow tea-cake to be served up to your guests, then? What ideas you have of hospitality!

  JACK: (irritably): Oh! That is not the point. We are not discussing teacakes. (Crosses.) Algy! you are perfectly maddening. You never can stick to the point in any conversation.

  ALGERNON (slowly): No: it always hurts me.

  JACK: Good heavens! What affectation! I loathe affectation.

  ALGERNON: Well, my dear fellow, if you don’t like affectation, I really don’t see what you can like. Besides, it isn’t affectation. The point always does hurt me, and I hate physical pain, of any kind.

  JACK (glares at ALGERNON: walks up and down stage. Finally comes up to table): Algy! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go?

  ALGERNON: I haven’t quite finished my tea yet. And there is still one muffin left. (Takes the last muffin.)

  JACK groans and sinks down in a chair and buries his face in his hands.

  ACT DROP

  ACT FOUR

  SCENE: The same. JACK and ALGERNON discovered in the same position as at the close of Act THREE. Enter behind, GWENDOLEN and CECILY.

  GWENDOLEN: The fact that they did not follow us at once into the garden, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.

  CECILY: They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

  GWENDOLEN (after a pause): They don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough?

  CECILY: But I haven’t got a cough.

  GWENDOLEN: They’re looking at us. What effrontery!

  CECILY: They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them.

  GWENDOLEN: Let us preserve a dignified silence.

  CECILY: Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now.

  JACK and ALGERNON whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.

  GWENDOLEN: This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.

  CECILY: A most distasteful one.

  GWENDOLEN: But we will not be the first to speak.

  CECILY: Certainly not.

  GWENDOLEN: Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.

  CECILY: Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?

  ALGERNON: In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.

  CECILY (to GWENDOLEN): That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?

  GWENDOLEN: Yes, dear, if you can believe him.

  CECILY: I don’t. But that – does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.

  GWENDOLEN: True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?

  JACK: Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?

  GWENDOLEN: I have the greatest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. (Moving to CECILY.) Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.

  CECILY: I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.

  GWENDOLEN: Then you think we should forgive them?

  CECILY: Yes. I mean no.

  GWENDOLEN: True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one.

  CECILY: Could we not both speak at the same time?

  GWENDOLEN: An excellent idea! I always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me?

  CECILY: Certainly.

  GWENDOLEN beats time with uplifted finger.

  GWENDOLEN and CECILY (speaking together): Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!

  JACK and AGERNON (speaking together): Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon.

  GWENDOLEN (to JACK): For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?

  JACK: I am.

  CECILY (to ALGERNON): To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?

  ALGERNON: I am!

  GWENDOLEN: How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.

  JACK: We are. (Clasps hands with ALGERNON
.)

  CECILY: They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.

  GWENDOLEN (to JACK): Darling.

  ALGERNON (to CECILY): Darling!

  They fall into each other’s arms.

  Enter MERRIMAN. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.

  MERRIMAN: Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!

  JACK: Good heavens!

  Enter LADY BRACKNELL. The couples separate in alarm. Exit MERRIMAN.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Gwendolen! What does this mean?

  GWENDOLEN: Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. (Turns to JACK.) Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But, of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.

  JACK: I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell!

  LADY BRACKNELL: You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Algernon!…Algernon!

  ALGERNON: Yes, Aunt Augusta.

  LADY BRACKNELL: May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?

  ALGERNON (stammering): Oh! No! Bunbury doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden.

  ALGERNON (airily): Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.

  LADY BRACKNELL: What did he die of?

  ALGERNON: Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.

  ALGERNON: My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean – so Bunbury died.

  LADY BRACKNELL: He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?

  JACK: That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.

  LADY BRACKNELL bows coldly to CECILY.

  ALGERNON: I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.

  LADY BRACKNELL: I beg your pardon?

  CECILY: Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.

  LADY BRACKNELL: (with a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down): I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus.

  JACK looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself

  JACK (in a clear, cold voice): Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W. ; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.

  LADY BRACKNELL: That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity?

  JACK: I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.

  LADY BRACKNELL (grimly): I have known strange errors in that publication.

  JACK: Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby of 149a Lincoln’s Inn Fields, Western Central District, London. I have no doubt they will be happy to supply you with any further information. Their office hours are from ten till four.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Markby, Markby and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markbys is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.

  JACK: (very irritably): How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of premature experiences. (Rises, looks at her watch.) Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?

  JACK: Oh! About a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Good-bye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you.

  LADY BRACKNELL (sitting down again): A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces. (To CECILY): Come over here, dear. (CECILY goes across.) Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.

  JACK: And after six months nobody knew her.

  LADY BRACKNELL (glares at JACK for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to CECILY): Kindly turn round, sweet child. (CECILY turns completely round.) No, the side view is what I want. (CECILY presents her profile.) Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon!

  ALGERNON: Yes, Aunt Augusta!

  LADY BRACKNELL: There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew’s profile.

  ALGERNON: Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don’t care twopence about social possibilities.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. (To CECILY): Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.

  ALGERNON: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Cecily, you may kiss me!

  CECILY (kisses her): Thank you, Lady Bracknell.

  LADY BRACKNELL: You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.

  CECILY: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

  LADY BRACKNELL: The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.

  ALGERNON: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

  CECILY: Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

  LADY BRACKNELL: To speak frankly, I am not in favou
r of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

  JACK: I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew’s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline to give.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Upon what grounds, may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?

  JACK: It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful.

  ALGERNON and CECILY look at him in indignant amazement.

  LADY BRACKNELL: Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian.

  JACK: I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ‘89; wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.

  CECILY: But, dear Uncle Jack, for the last year you have been telling us all that you had a brother. You dwelt continually on the subject. Algy merely corroborated your statement. It was noble of him.

  JACK: Pardon me, Cecily, you are a little too young to understand these matters. To invent anything at all is an act of sheer genius, and, in a commercial age like ours, shows considerable physical courage. Few of our modern novelists dare to invent a single thing. It is an open secret that they don’t know how to do it. Upon the other hand, to corroborate a falsehood is a distinctly cowardly action. I know it is a thing that the newspapers do one for the other, every day. But it is not the act of a gentleman. No gentleman ever corroborates anything.