by Anna Lewis
Sam’s scars from this ran deep. So, when Jack had left her without a word the morning after, the familiar fear gripped her and she automatically closed up. Let him approach her, she reasoned. She was not going to wait around for him to build a relationship with her only at his convenience.
Kicking off her shoes, Sam stumbled to the kitchen to drink water. She’d recovered her breath, but she still felt dizzy. She sank into a chair and sipped the cold water slowly. A wave of nausea washed over her and she wanted to kick herself. She should have eaten some breakfast this morning. She always walked or jogged, never ran like she did today, but never did she step out without at least a piece of fruit in her stomach.
A cool shower was just what she needed, she thought. And some food when she was done. But just as she turned the shower on, her stomach lurched and she turned around to make it to the toilet just in time. Thankfully, she hadn’t forced anything down after the run, so it all came up quickly. She sat on the edge of the tub and began shivering. The shower was spraying cool water on her now chilled body. Twisting the knob, she made the water warmer and stripped off her clothes to allow the spray to pelt her body. After just a few minutes, she turned it off, wrapped herself in a towel, and put on a pair of sweatpants.
She was still thirsty but opted to go find something with electrolytes this time. And crackers, she decided. A box of tampons caught her eye just as she was about to shut the closet and she froze. When did she have her last period? Scrambling to her planner she flipped back several pages, her eyes scanned the dates rapidly looking for her usual marks to keep track of her cycle. There was one for the month when Papa passed away. There was another a week after the funeral. Another before she and Jack had slept together. Then, nothing. It couldn’t be. It was entirely possible that with all the things going on that she’d forgotten to mark it down.
She kept scanning and flipping, trying to recall which week it might have been. But she came up empty. It had been over six weeks since she and Jack were together. She didn’t even need proof. It explained her getting sick from her run. Just to be sure, though, she would go pick up a test. She couldn’t tell Jack yet, that much she knew for sure. Part of her felt thrilled by the prospect, but the other part of her felt sad that she would be bringing a baby into a home where she herself didn’t feel like a priority.
Using what was left of her energy, she made it to the pharmacy and picked up a test along with some crackers just in case. When she returned home again, she used it, set a timer, and waited. Feeling fidgety, she hurried to the kitchen, made a cup of tea to eat with the crackers. The timer buzzed and she jumped up to go look. Reading the directions again to make sure, she looked at the test three times to verify the results. Positive. She was definitely pregnant.
***
The rest of Sam’s week sped by. She received access to the still classified information regarding Jack after the firm took over the case. Jonathan had his hands full with other clients, some of whom were deceased and their families were storming in demanding to know what was in the files. With information barely trickling in, she, Jonathan, and others at the firm spent much of their days putting out fires.
Therefore Sam barely noticed when Jack continued to increase his hours at work as she increased her own. It wasn’t until that Friday that she realized she hadn’t actually seen him since Wednesday. In the middle of the night she would feel the mattress dip when he came to sleep, but by morning, he was gone before she could wake up.
She had to tell him today, she thought firmly. Enough was enough. Sam had already made a doctor’s appointment which her busy work schedule forced her to push until next week. Maybe she would ask him to go with her. The thought warmed her, and she thought about how she would break the news to him.
That evening, she decided to make him a dinner to surprise him with. Steak with roasted baby potatoes, and wild rice. For dessert, she opted for a quick fruit trifle that matched her mood of pairing tart with sweet.
Once the food was done, she waited. She called Jack, but his phone went to his voicemail every time. Her stomach growled and she knew she couldn’t wait much longer. She nibbled, hoping he would come soon. But he never came. It was nearly ten now. Dejected, she tried to hold back her tears. She could tell him tomorrow. It wasn’t a big deal. Leaving his plate on the table, she cleaned up the rest of the kitchen before going to bed. She didn’t hear him come home this time.
Sam woke up early the next morning and found that Jack was already up and getting ready. Well, at least she caught him at home, she thought wryly.
“Hey,” she said cautiously.
He looked at her and she saw his eyes crinkle. “Hey, stranger.” She wanted to run into his arms and beg him to just be with her. But she couldn’t yet. They had a lot to discuss.
“We need to talk,” she said softly, searching his face for clues to see what he was feeling.
“Yes, of course.” Jack answered. “I was just going to ask you if you had time to talk. I have some big news, it’s the main reason I’ve been pulling some long hours these past few weeks.”
Sam felt relieved. At least he wasn’t pulling the long hours because of her. That would have been too much to bear. “I’ll go get showered. We can talk over breakfast,” she said lightly.
Jack nodded. “I’ll go throw something together.”
Twenty minutes later, they were seated at the table, sipping coffee. Sam looked at Jack expectantly. “You go first.” She needed time to gather her thoughts.
“Well, I’m going on another mission,” Jack said bluntly.
“What? Where?” Sam was startled.
“Afghanistan.”
Sam didn’t say anything. Her face must have said enough, though.
“It’s for six months,” Jack clarified.
How was he so calm about this? A lump clogged Sam’s throat and she couldn’t form the words she wanted to say. Suddenly she was thirteen years old again, and scared about being alone in a situation that she had no say in.
“I see,” she said finally. Sam lowered her gaze and sipped her coffee quietly focusing on keeping her tears hidden.
“I’m sorry, Sam,” Jack said leaning back. He stared out of the window. “I shouldn’t have pressured you to accept me when you weren’t ready. I hope my leaving will help give you clarity. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He didn’t want to hurt her, yet every word out of his mouth was stabbing her. She wanted to point out the irony to him but couldn’t. Maybe she read too much into their night together. It was possible that she wanted to believe there was more between them than there actually was because she needed someone to cushion the blow of losing Papa.
“You didn’t hurt me,” she said with false cheer. “You do what you need to do. I don’t want to stand in the way.”
A look of hurt crossed over Jack’s face but he quickly masked it and she wondered if she was mistaken. “Same to you, Sam,” he said with a quick smile. “I’ve got to get back to the office and prepare to leave by Monday so you’ll have to excuse me.” He scooted his chair back and rose to leave. “Eat some eggs, you look like you’ve lost some weight. By the way, thanks for leaving the plate of food last night, it was delicious.” He flashed her another quick smile and was out the door before she could react.
Tears streamed down her face. She set her cup down and wrapped her arms around her belly. Rocking back and forth, she allowed herself to release the sadness that she carried with her through childhood. It was too much. She certainly wasn’t going to tell him about the pregnancy now. There was nothing he could do until his mission was over. She would do what she did when she was younger, throw herself into her work and forget everything else.
***
Jack spent several hours in meetings the rest of the day. Normally, he would be given time off before a mission to decompress. But since the nature of this mission was so intense, he knew it was in his best interest to keep his mind on the task at hand. He and the rest of the team were
briefed by several officers. They went over every type of strategy and overview of several possible scenarios.
Towards the last hour, Jack had to stifle a yawn. Since he was in and out of the field, much of what was being covered was redundant. He could do this in his sleep. He knew why he was asked to go on this mission. An officer that was close to Walter had recommended him for it for two reasons. One, he was a natural choice given his success rate, and two, the other officer had gotten wind of the classified files that had been sealed. He gave Jack some time to disappear while the files were being fought over in court. It saved him the humiliation of having to defend keeping them sealed in vague and possibly not-so-vague terms
But Jack had full faith in Sam. She was dedicated to her job. He heard as much from Walter and he’d seen for himself how hard she was working. He appreciated it, and knew that she got her work ethic from her father. He had no doubt she would clear his name by the time he came back. He hoped by then she would have come around to accepting him.
He’d made a promise to Walter to look after her, and he intended to uphold that promise, even if it meant that he was going to be rejected by her. If she chose to walk away, there was nothing he could do about that. He hoped she would change her mind, though.
The night that they’d spent together left him wanting her not just in bed again, but in other ways as well. He wanted to know her favorite ice cream, he wanted to know about her fondest memories. He wanted her to listen as he shared things about himself. But he knew that it wasn’t possible to do any of that until he got back. If he got back, he thought, startling himself at the direction his mind had gone. He’d never worried about not returning from a mission. In fact, he never worried about anything. He always lived for the moment.
Sam’s face came to mind. Would she be upset if he didn’t return? He wanted to think that she would be affected somehow, but he wasn’t sure. The way she had pulled away from him even after they had slept together had sent him into a state of deep confusion about what direction their relationship was going in. If it was going anywhere at all.
As the final meeting wrapped up, Jack headed to his desk to clear out some of the files. He realized as he was doing it that he had virtually no personal artifacts or photos on his desk like others did. It made moving easy, but he wished he had more anchoring him to this place, suddenly. He wished he had someone crying about him having to leave. Sam. He wished she would miss him, though he didn’t want her to be upset. They were conflicting ideas, he knew. But he didn’t know how else to make sense of what he was feeling.
He drove home distracted by his thoughts. He didn’t have much to pack, as most everything he needed was standard issue. As far as entertainment, he had enough books on his e-reader to keep him busy on the off chance he had free time.
Jack’s mind flitted back to the meeting he’d had a couple weeks ago. Until that point, he had been only helping plan and strategize the mission. He had no intention in partaking in it even though they asked him to take the lead on it since he had more experience than any guy on the team. But when the opportunity later presented itself, he jumped on it. He was trying to save himself the agony of hearing Sam reject him to his face. If he removed himself and they slowly drifted away from each other, maybe it would be tolerable.
Since the first time he saw Sam, he felt connected to her. He felt like they were meant to be together, and he was sure she felt the same. That is, until she saw him transform. After that, she seemed more repulsed by him than anything. It was painful to feel the constant rejection and he grabbed at the first opportunity that allowed him to leave.
In the SEALs he was hailed as a hero, but he felt like a coward. He couldn’t face the rejection so he opted to run. It was a cowardly move, nothing more. He held out hope even this morning that Sam would show some emotion about him leaving, but left disappointed. She’d made her feelings abundantly clear. She had none when it came to him.
Tonight or tomorrow, he would make sure to tell her how much he appreciated her working on the case for him. She had at least that much kindness in her heart, and he was grateful to her for it. For now, he was going to go home and take a well-deserved rest before he had to finish packing.
As it happened, Sam was gone for much of the evening and he was disappointed, but relieved that they didn’t have to make polite conversation when he really just wanted to demand that she explain why she couldn’t love him. Love? Where had that come from. His hand stilled while he was folding one of his shirts.
Did he love her? Yes, he answered himself immediately. He did, absolutely. He loved everything about her, and every new thing that he picked up about her only made her all the more endearing. But what was done was done, he thought, shoving the clothes in the duffle bag to the side to make room for his toiletries.
He had no more time to think about this or he was going to be distracted. Distractions during missions were never good. He had both an attachment and a distraction, but he couldn’t let either bother him. He’d seen how Walter had gotten in trouble with his sole liability, Sam. Now, Jack saw himself in the same situation. It was as if the old man had arranged for this to happen himself. Why, though, he had no idea.
***
Jack loaded his luggage into the back of the ride that was taking him to the airport and gave the house one last glance. He’d said goodbye to Sam who lingered in the kitchen as he got ready to leave. She’d made breakfast and hovered, as if unsure of what role she was supposed to play.
Jack didn’t need her to do anything, but he was glad to see her at least. He sat her down the night before to thank her for working on the case. Jack gave her all the information she might need to contact him, including fellow team members in case something happened with his phone.
“We’re in remote areas sometimes, so try at different times during the day if you need to reach me,” he’d warned her. “And don’t be alarmed if the phone is dead. I might not have a way to charge it or I might have turned it off if I’m not at the base.”
Sam had nodded, but said nothing. She didn’t speak much about the mission and she asked virtually no questions. It took a moment for Jack to realize that it was probably because her father had been on so many, she was used to the routine. Still, he wanted her to show some concern.
Pacing before him, she’d offered a few items from the pantry that he might want to take for snacks. He added them and then turned to find her coming from the bedroom to offer him a travel pillow and other comfort items. He took a few of them gladly and declined the rest.
She was leaning in the doorway now, watching him leave. He opened the door to get into the cab when the driver turned to face him.
“You’re not going to leave her without a kiss goodbye, are you?” His eyes sparkled at Jack.
“Oh, right.” Jack turned look at her. She looked wan and tired. A result of the long hours she was putting in on his behalf. He climbed the steps back up to her.
“Did you forget something? I can go get it,” Sam said straightening.
“Yeah, I did. But you don’t have to go anywhere.” He meant to just lean in for a small kiss, but once his lips touched hers, an overwhelming need came over him and he kissed her deeper and deeper until he felt like he was feasting on her mouth. She responded immediately, as if she was waiting for it. Her arms came around him easily and soon he had her body trapped between the doorway and his own rapidly heating body.
A honk sounded behind him and Sam pulled away first, startled.
“I have to go,” he said. “I’ll call you when I get there. Remember what I said about trying to reach me.” He saw her eyes darken with fear.
Sam wrapped her arms around her middle. “I remember.” She bit her lip and he could tell she wanted to say more. She was probably going to warn him not to shapeshift out there, jeopardizing not only the mission but also the case here.
“I know,” he said. “I’m not going to do it. I know how to control it. Thanks to Walter, actually,” he said
with a wry smile.
Sam gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I bet,” she said softly. “He was good at hiding things.”
Jack didn’t know what she meant by that and wanted to press her but another honk sounded behind him. He did have to go if he wanted to check on some of the larger items before the flight. He also had to go help some of the newer team members navigate their first mission.
With a final wave, Jack got into the car and drove off. He looked back to see Sam still standing in the doorway. He watched until she became a spec and even after when she was no longer visible, replaced by miles of changing landscape.
As they neared the airport, Jack touched his lips, her taste still on his mouth. She tasted the same, but something was different. It wasn’t anything they ate, but something deeper. From her essence. He wondered what it could be.
She had responded to his kiss like she was waiting for it. But damn it all, if she wasn’t the most confusing female he’d ever been with. He had Walter to thank for the mess he was in now, he thought drily. The man was right, they were good together. In bed. It seemed to be that out of bed was where their problems began. The solution was obvious, they should never leave the bed, he thought chuckling to himself.
“You two been married long?” the cab driver spoke up, breaking Jack out of his reverie.
“A few months now,” Jack said.
The driver entertained him the rest of the way with his own stories about marriage and misunderstandings. “I’m only telling you this because I know that look she had on her face. I’ve seen it a thousand times on my wife’s face.”
“Oh? And what look is that?” Jack asked.
“She loves you. No matter what you fought about. Forget about it. Being right isn’t more important than being together.”
“You’re right,” Jack murmured. He didn’t know how the older man’s advice was supposed to help him. They hadn’t fought, really. He wasn’t holding an opposing view from her. But he clung to the first words the driver had said. She loves you.