Rage to Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  Speaking of silence, here on the third floor was perfect. Other than a guy reading at a table in the corner, it was empty. Then his cell phone rang, breaking the quiet. I automatically checked mine in my pocket, but then I remembered I didn’t have it on me. I had lost it during my breakdown. For the first time in three years, I didn’t have a cell phone. It felt like I had lost a limb. I was cut off from all communication except for email or IM. Matilda didn’t appreciate that, writing a long email accusing me of not wanting to talk to her after what she’d told me over the phone. Our last IM conversation had been short, and so was the one with Dad. As with his old job, he was working long hours again.

  At one point I would have to buy a new cell, but that would mean using the money in the account Dad had set up with my settlement. I’d rather get a job, knowing the money I made that way didn’t come with a price.

  “Everything sucks,” I grumbled under my breath. I started to leave, but stopped when I heard a sucking sound and a male chuckle. Peering around the column, I spotted two guys kissing in the far corner. The one cupping the other guy’s face was someone I knew—Marshall.

  Both their shirts were wrinkled, and they were going at it hard with mouth and tongue. The other guy lifted the hem of Marshall’s button-down shirt, making Marshall laugh. Marshall dropped his hands on the guy’s jean-covered hips, reaching around to grab his butt. As he broke the kiss, his eyes met mine. I could feel my face burning. Both their faces were glowing red, but for an entirely different reason. Marshall stepped back, and his make-out buddy cursed softly, dragging back his hair. They both stared at me wide-eyed.

  “Sorry for interrupting.” I backed away, ready to run.

  “Don’t leave.” Marshall held out his hand, stopping me. Then he hung an arm around his friend’s shoulder, and they whispered with their heads close together. Marshall gave his friend a sweet kiss, which his friend was happy to receive before he scooped his backpack off the floor. Passing me, he winked. I covered my mouth to stop from laughing too loud as Marshall came toward me.

  He had a big grin on his face as he straightened his shirt. His slacks were noticeably tighter in the front. I darted my gaze away from that area, staring up at the ceiling. He stopped right in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

  “So,” he said, rocking back on his heels.

  “So.” I dragged the toe of my sneaker on the faded green carpet. “A friend of yours?”

  “That’s Nigel. His mother is the theater teacher. He’s usually the lead in most of our plays and musicals.”

  Figured. I nodded as if impressed. I wondered what Theo would have thought if he’d caught Marshall making out with another guy. I kept it to myself so as not to ruin his buzz. “It’s ballsy of you to make out in the school library. What if you get caught?”

  His face flushed again. Maybe he already had? “It’s not a big deal.”

  “You’re not worried it would get out about you making out with another guy? What about Nigel? Wouldn’t it ruin both your reps?” Or something worse could happen, like getting the crap beat out of them.

  His forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows lifted. “You think if we’re caught kissing on school grounds, we’ll get bullied? Is that why you left your old school?”

  Ouch. He went right for the jugular. I didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes if I told him about my rape. Enough people shared my shame with me. I didn’t want to add him to the mix.

  “Something like that.” I shrugged.

  “Maybe one day when you trust me, you’ll tell me about it.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Albee High isn’t like your old school. I’m not afraid of being myself, and neither is Nigel.”

  “Why are you making out in the library?”

  He tapped his fingers on his hips. “It’s a turn-on.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

  I rolled my eyes, but I did agree with him. Kissing Larissa in one of the locker rooms next to the gym flashed in my head. I pinched the back of my hand to keep myself in the present and not overwhelmed with discouraging memories.

  Blinking, I concentrated on Marshall, who stared at me in silence. Had he noticed my strange reaction?

  “What?” I hunched my shoulders, annoyed about being on display for his benefit.

  “You’re doing okay after passing out last Saturday? I felt horrible when I heard,” he said in a sympathetic tone.

  I straightened away from the wall and gave him a stiff smile, hoping he’d accept it. “The heat got to me, that’s all. I’m better, pretty much myself again.”

  “Good.” He nodded in approval and started to say something else, but a beeping came from inside his pocket. He took out his cell and swiped a finger over the touch screen.

  I grunted in frustration. I missed my phone!

  He typed while he snuck a peek at me. “I don’t mean to be rude—”

  “It’s not that. I lost my cell phone, and I’m too low on funds right now to buy one.”

  He stopped typing, bringing his gaze to my face. No judgment or ridicule there. “Can’t you ask your dad or your aunt or uncle for a loan?”

  “Nope.”

  If he thought my one-word answer was odd, he didn’t comment. He slid his phone back into his pocket and flashed another huge grin. “I might have a solution to your problem. I remember you telling Jo you’re looking for a job. I may have one, if you’re interested.”

  I crossed my arms, going on the defensive. It must have been because of his almost cocky voice, as if he knew I would accept. “Depends what it is. Not illegal, right?”

  He burst out laughing. “Definitely not illegal. It would be working for my uncle. He runs his own real estate office and needs someone for a few hours a week filing and doing some computer work. The pay is good. If you’re free, we could see him now.”

  “I’m not dressed for a job interview,” I indicated my blue-and-white striped T-shirt, black jeans, and scuffed Chucks. Marshall was more suited for a job interview in his usual button-down shirt and slacks. He was also the only guy my age I knew who wore penny loafers with an actual penny in the middle of the shoe.

  “I’ll vouch for you. It’s a ten-minute walk from school.” He held out his hand. “Plus, the killer heat has finally ended, so you don’t have to worry about passing out.” He winked.

  Of course he would wink to soften the blow. What was the harm in going along with him and checking this job out?

  “Okay. Let’s go.” I motioned to the exit.

  He linked arms with me. For once I didn’t mind.

  “YOU DIDN’T have to buy me a coffee.” I inspected the latte Marshall had bought me to celebrate my new job with his uncle. We sat in a corner booth at a café a few buildings down from his uncle’s office. Within ten minutes of talking to his uncle, he’d offered me the job, which I’d accepted.

  “It’s not a big deal. Cheers.” He raised his cup and saluted me.

  I saluted back and sipped the delicious liquid mix of vanilla-flavored milk and espresso. Marshall drank his spiced chai and broke off a piece of the large oatmeal cookie we were sharing.

  Curling my hands around the warm cup, I checked the tables and booths and the people who were also enjoying their drinks or sweet treats. The café had a homey feel, with bright colors on the walls and the cushioned seats. Soft jazz piped out from the speakers. I could see myself coming here again as soon as I had enough cash to splurge on more lattes.

  “Your uncle Hugh is very nice. I’m surprised he offered me the job, since I don’t have much experience other than helping my dad with some of his cases.” Working as an administrative assistant would be the first real job I’d ever had. I’d sold myself by explaining how I’d worked with Dad by filing paperwork and sending off emails. I would be making almost as much an hour with this new job as I had with Dad.

  “You impressed Uncle Hugh with your office lingo. Also, not many teens have worked with a lawyer,” Marshall pointed out.

  “I worked on smaller projects,
not the big hush-hush ones. But I can recite appellate rulings like no one’s business.” I smiled over the rim of my cup as a burst of energy swept over me. It could have been from the caffeine, but it might have been excitement over being useful again. I did miss working with Dad, even on the weekends, shut in his home office for hours.

  “What type of law does your father practice?”

  “Corporate litigation. One of the reasons I’m staying with Jo and her family is because my dad’s company transferred him to Ontario.” I kept to the facts as much as possible, leaving out the reason for his transfer.

  “Your face lit up when you talked about working with your dad. Is law something you’re interested in pursuing? Maison has a great law department.” Marshall’s gaze pinpointed on me.

  The question caught me off guard. I’d expected him to ask why Dad had moved to another country. I hadn’t given much thought to what type of career I wanted. All I cared about was graduating high school and hopefully getting into college. Picking a major was something I hadn’t even considered.

  I sipped my drink and shrugged. “Maybe. But now that I’m working with your uncle, I might enjoy it so much that I’ll want to be a real estate agent.”

  “Real estate can be demanding. Uncle Hugh loves it. I think he’s disappointed I didn’t want to work with him.” Marshall tipped his chin down to the table, acting shy for some reason.

  “No interest in selling houses?” I asked, genuinely curious.

  “This fall I plan on interning for the governor’s reelection committee. After I graduate college, I’ll work in the White House.” He lifted his chin, proud once again.

  “White House, as in the presidency?”

  He bent forward with a glint in his eyes. “The first gay president, baby.”

  For some reason I found that funny and did a combination snort-sputter instead of laughing. If he was offended, he didn’t show it. He just smiled and popped a piece of the cookie into his mouth.

  The chime over the door caught my attention. Theo and Arielle entered. I ended up slouching down in my seat as if it would stop them from noticing me. I hadn’t talked to Arielle since my meltdown last Saturday. She hadn’t gotten in touch to check up on me either.

  “You’ve lost all the color in your face. What’s wrong?” Marshall asked.

  “Theo and Arielle just came in.” I continued watching the two at the counter. “Arielle was there when I passed out. I’m embarrassed she saw me like that.”

  “If you’re afraid of her making fun of you, don’t worry. She’s not that type of person.” He inspected the duo. “She’s not your typical sorority chick.”

  “She loves creating art,” I divulged, wishing I knew more about her.

  “She’s also big on social issues and rights. She’s the vice president of the LGBTQ group.”

  “She’s the VP?” My voice croaked.

  Marshall glanced back at me. “She joined her freshman year. She’s active in the group, so is Theo. They’re on a mission.”

  My stomach pinched at the thought of those two working close together. I’d had this feeling before. Recognizing it for what it was, it made me squirm. It was straight-up jealousy.

  “A mission to save the world?” I joked in the hopes of hiding my agitation. Marshall was just too perceptive about people’s emotions.

  He didn’t answer. He locked on Theo instead. I did the same with Arielle. Finally, Marshall and I had established a connection that I understood. Because of that, I’d take one for the team. Marshall wore his heart on his sleeve for Theo, regardless of the other guy he had sucked face with in the library.

  “Ask them to join us.” I tapped his hand.

  His head swung around. “Huh?”

  He’s got it bad. Sighing, I took a slug of my drink for courage and twisted to the side. “Hey, Theo and Arielle!”

  The duo waved and walked over with their drinks. I snuck a peek at Marshall, who had erased all the longing from his face and now held a pleasant expression.

  “Hey, bro.” Theo high-fived Marshall and slid in next to him. Marshall hugged the corner of the booth as Theo swung an arm around his shoulder, oblivious to the tension.

  “Hi, Charlie, how are you feeling?” Arielle asked with more concern than a normal person would have. I wanted to think she cared about me and wasn’t just being polite.

  “I’m good. Great, actually,” I said with peppiness in my voice, going so far as to smile. That seemed to catch her off guard. She stared down at the top of her cup with a small frown.

  “Are you going to sit?” Theo asked her.

  “Um, yeah.” She sat down next to me. Her hip bumped mine, making me move to the far left and almost hugging the side like Marshall.

  Theo ruffled Marshall’s hair and finally dropped his arm away. Marshall exhaled a hard breath. I tapped the side of his shoe with mine, making him shake his head.

  “From the scent of vanilla, you both got some flavored coffee?” Theo turned slightly toward Marshall. “You’re finally jumping on the coffee bandwagon after all these years?”

  “Mine is chai. Charlie got a vanilla latte.” Marshall grabbed a piece of cookie at the same time Theo did, and their hands met. Marshall jerked as if burned and lowered his hands to his lap. Theo kept his hand near the plate, eyeing Marshall.

  Arielle cleared her throat as she drank, amusement clear on her face. She must know the deal with Marshall and Theo also.

  “I’m craving a red velvet cupcake now,” Theo announced and got out of the booth. “We’ll all share it so I don’t look like a pig.” He slapped his stomach and grimaced.

  “Oh please, mister six-pack abs,” Marshall muttered and slid out of the booth as well. “I’m going to the men’s room.”

  When Marshall stood, Theo clapped him on the back, then strolled up to the counter. Marshall darted to the back, leaving me and Arielle alone.

  “So,” we both said at the same time. Arielle snickered, and I plucked at the plastic top of my cup.

  “How have you been?” she asked.

  “You asked me that already.” I traced the cup’s rim.

  “I asked you how you’re feeling. There’s a difference.” She arched an eyebrow, daring me to argue.

  “Fine.” I really didn’t want to talk about last Saturday, especially in a public place. I needed to change the direction of the conversation fast. “Am I the only one who’s noticed what’s going on between Theo and Marshall?”

  “I’ve see it. I’ve tried talking to Theo about Marshall, but when I do, he says Marshall is like a little brother to him.”

  “Ouch. Poor Marshall.” I winced. “Maybe he’s oblivious to Marshall’s feelings, or he doesn’t want to admit to anything because it could be a sticky situation? Their parents dated, and Marshall is too young.”

  “Could be.” Arielle glanced over at Theo talking up a storm with one of the male servers behind the counter.

  “He’s also very touchy-feely with Marshall.” I tried ignoring the small space between us. If I shifted to the right, the sides of our legs would touch.

  “He’s does that with everybody.” She turned toward me. “He’s just a friendly type of guy. We have that in common.”

  “Touchy-feely, or being friendly?”

  “Both.” Her foot knocked into mine.

  Her face betrayed nothing. As soon as her foot met mine, she moved it away. Marshall came back from the bathroom the same time Theo approached with two huge cupcakes. He set them on the table and rubbed his hands. “My man behind the counter gave me a ‘buy one, get one free’ deal.”

  “I bet he did,” Marshall said loud enough for us to all hear.

  Theo chuckled and climbed into the booth with his arms hanging over the back. Marshall followed but sat near the edge, looking ready to bolt. I wished I could change places with him. I didn’t know how much longer I could sit this close with Arielle.

  “You forgot napkins and utensils.” She slid out of the booth, allowing me
to breathe much easier.

  When she came back, she took back her spot, with a nice chunk of space between us. She set down a pile of napkins in the middle of the table, but instead of putting the forks down, she held out one for me to take.

  “Share one of the cupcakes with me?” She wiggled the fork.

  “Sure.” I took it from her.

  She responded with a bright smile that made me give her one back.

  “ENOUGH IS enough.” Theo pushed away the plate with only a few crumbs left. “My sweets addiction is out of control.”

  “Stop with your bellyaching. No one forced you to scarf it down.” Arielle set down her fork and motioned for me to finish up the rest of our cupcake.

  “Bellyaching is the key word here, kids.” Theo pouted and rubbed his stomach. “Hopefully I won’t end up in a sugar-induced coma. I have to start research for my Lit paper due Monday. My weekend is shot to hell.”

  “Why do you always wait until the last moment to write your papers?” Marshall tsked and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

  “It’s how I roll.” Theo shrugged and took out his cell. “I have a date with the hot TA on the third floor of my dorm tonight, but it looks like I’m gonna have to cancel.” He waggled his phone Arielle. “You know, Perry? He’s on the swim team. He has the tightest ass on campus. I also heard he has a huge co—”

  She lifted her palm. “TMI, Theo dear.”

  Marshall seemed to deflate. He slouched his shoulders and looked everywhere but at us.

  Before Theo offered more information about his hot swimmer and made Marshall crawl under the booth, I tapped the table, getting Theo’s attention. “I’m in the same situation you are. I have a big paper due in a month, and my school library is useless. I swear all the books are from the twentieth century, if not earlier.”