Enduring Everything (Marked Heart #1)

by M. Sembera

  Rolling my eyes, I said, "Okay, she was engaged but I know the rest of the story."

  The cheerfulness in his memory faded as he replied, "You know I bought a ring and proposed but it wasn't the happily ever after it seems."

  "But y'all are still together," I replied.

  "I was the biggest mistake she ever made. And I am thankful every day for that," he informed before explaining, "Her family was furious so we ran off and eloped. About a month after we were married we were staying in a little motel a few towns over. She told me she was pregnant. Somewhere in my mind, I decided she was planning my life for me just as my parents had. I didn't know if I wanted to be a father but I did know I was not ready for any responsibility."

  Staring at him I couldn't believe what he was saying.

  "Suz was devastated, all she ever wanted was to be married and have a family. I handled the moment terribly, she left me and went back home to her family," he said, appearing hurt by his own memory as he continued, "I called my father, who said to come back and he would handle everything, and I made plans to leave."

  "You didn't, did you?" I questioned, still finding it hard to believe Mr. Thomas was talking about himself.

  With a heavy high, he replied, "I did. I was home for three months, following in my father's footsteps when I received a phone call. Suz's uncle Gus said I insulted him, his niece and the entire Caffrey family. They didn't need me or my father's money and that I didn't know what being a man meant. Old Gus was rough, he cursed more than any man I ever met. He was not the slightest bit compassionate. Right before he died, he confessed that he called me that day because he knew I would come back. That a man his niece loved enough to leave their family for had to be worth something."

  "So what happened when you came back?" I asked completely wrapped up in the story as if I had no idea how it was going to end.

  With a slight smile, Mr. Thomas explained, "A few weeks passed before I realized, Gus was right. I had no idea what being a man was about and they didn't need me but I sure as hell needed them. I came back with nothing. My parents disowned me the moment I left. I sat at the edge of the Caffrey's property line for three days. Suz wouldn't speak to me or see me and Gus said he would shoot me if I stepped foot on their property." His smile grew wide as he said, "I don't think I have ever worked harder for anything in my life. Family, real family is always worth it though." Shaking his head with a laugh, Mr. Thomas said, "I wanted to see her because I started thinking maybe I was crazy, leaving everything for nothing. In the middle of the night I snuck up to the house. I could see her sleeping through the window and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life lying next to her. The next thing I knew, Gus was next to me holding a shot gun and Brennen was right beside him."

  "Oh my gosh!" I blurted.

  Nodding, he agreed, "Yea," before saying, "I told him he was going to have to shoot me because I was never going to willing let her go again. For a minute I thought he might too."

  I couldn't help starting to laugh.

  "He didn't shoot me but he did invite me inside. I slept on the couch and the next day Brennen took me with him to work before anyone else was up. We cut brush all day and the second work was over, he took me out to another cousin's house. He said if I was serious about being a man then I needed to prove it. The last thing I remember from that night was stumbling into their house drunker than I had ever been in my life and a fresh tattoo on my chest." My eyes welled up with tears as he finished the story, "She didn't take me back right away. I had to prove myself. I never gave up though and by the time Jackson was born, she had finally taken me back."

  Mr. Thomas' story was touching but it occurred to me, I had no idea why he shared it with me.

  Until he imparted, "Everyone has a past. How could any of us possibly look down on you when we have all made mistakes."

  Shaking my head, I argued, "It's not the same."

  Smiling a thoughtful smile, he shared, "It never is. I know firsthand, it's a whole lot easier to walk away from people when you're afraid you have failed them. When the things you've done make you feel like you don't deserve them. That is the wonderful thing about family though, they don't let you walk away. Even when it's hard."

  "Sophia's never going to forgive me," I said.

  "Her life just got turned upside down but she's your daughter, all she really needs is time." he replied.

  Scowling at him, I said, "I always felt like I was on borrowed time with her. With all of y'all."

  Compassion filled his expression as Mr. Thomas replied, "You can stay here pretending you have no one. Resign yourself to whatever you have decided you deserve or you can be someone worth forgiving."

  Surprised at his reply, I asked, "What if I'm not?"

  Mr. Thomas stood and headed towards my front door, saying, "Any woman my son would spend his life waiting for has to be worth something."

  Looking up at him as he opened the door to leave, I smiled and received a wink and wide smile in return.

  ~

  I sat on the couch for a long while after Mr. Thomas left, thinking about everything that he shared, wondering if there was anything redeemable about myself. It occurred to me if I could help someone, why wasn't I helping myself. I thought about Charlotte hiding in the closet afraid of being punished and decided I would do the steps with her. I could repeat each step I created for her on my own. If she could do it, so could I.

  Determined, I made it a mental competition to keep up with Charlotte's progress. Hopping up from the couch, I dashed to the bathroom. Quickly turning the water on, I watched as the bathtub filled up. Once the tub was full I stood there staring at it. Mentally getting undressed and getting in, physically I couldn't move. Gritting my teeth, no matter how much I willed my arms and legs to move, I couldn't do it.

  Closing my eyes with a heavy sigh, I sat down on my bathroom rug. Pulling my knees into my chest I wrapped my arms around my legs. I remembered what I looked like, what I felt like and how I was when I was with Henley. Visualizing the two of us together, he would trace the marks he left on me with his fingers and smile whispering how much he liked knowing I was his and seeing where he had been. I would look at him and confirm that I was his. Every time the same scenario would repeat itself. It didn't matter how many years it had been or that the fear of relapsing into him had long since gone. I was still his. He held a part of me I could never reclaim. Henley never had my heart, he held my entire being. There was no love between us just shared sickness. He needed control, I needed to lose myself and together we fulfilled the most primal and despicable tendencies within each other.

  It was shameful and beyond reproach but I could never regret it. From all the pain, I got Sophia. And let's face it, Henley wasn't even the worst experience of my life.

  23

  Letting Go

  Friday afternoon, I sat on my bedroom floor. The box that set in front of me contained my mother's notebook, my M.R. Industries file and the original document from when I assumed control of The Office for a short period of time. As I opened the box, I wondered why I held onto it all these years. Possibly, like everything else from my past, I had difficulty letting things go. How was I supposed to be worth forgiving if I couldn't let go?

  Refusing to hold onto hurtful things, I picked up the box and carried it into my backyard. Setting the box down in a metal tub that I used for parties as an ice bucket, I lit a match and tossed it inside. Glancing back, I thought about sitting on the porch swing Jackson and I bought but settled on the outdoor sofa instead.

  Watching the flames rise and fall as they flickered, I thought about my mother's notebook. Always hoping with each page she would say that she loved me or that she was sorry she was never there for me. All it contained was how difficult my father's life was and how I made it worse.

  The share transfer documents I was sure had turned to ash by now. Recalling how proud of myself I was that day, it was the moment I made my judgment call and took control of what was going on in
my life. Those papers with our signatures on them led to my ex-husband Hert's position as president and majority shareholder of M.R. Industries and although they almost cost me my life, they bought me my freedom.

  Sure the staples and paperclips in my file accounted for the sizzling and popping sound coming from the metal tub, I still found it hard to believe someone knew that much about me and took the time to write it all down. I knew Hert was the one that put it together but I liked to pretend he wasn't. There were so many things that hurt when I read them about myself but thinking back, that was his job. After we were married and the truth started coming out, Hert told me part of his job was to know things. No matter what our history was or the fact that we had known each other our entire lives it was simply business for him.

  As the fire simmered down to a smolder, I realized, although I had moved on I held onto everything. I barely remembered who I was when it all unfolded. I had fought so hard for peace and the ability to make my own choices about my life and for what? So it could all fall apart just when I had everything. I wanted to let go of it all but my past wouldn't let go of me.

  ~

  Standing in front of my bathtub, I tried again. Making it as far as touching the water with my fingers before I jerked my arm back and started to hyperventilate, I knew it was just a stupid bathtub but I couldn't do it. Disappointed in myself, I quickly flipped the drain down and walked away from the bathtub.

  With nothing else to do and virtually no food in the house, I decided to take a trip to the grocery store. Now that I was shopping just for me, I only needed a few things. I had spent the last two days in pajamas so I threw on some jogging pants and a sweatshirt before slipping on my tennis shoes and heading out of the door.

  Finished with my shopping in no time, I checked out of the grocery store, pushing the cart and fumbling through the bags to find the box of beef jerky I impulse bought while looking for my favorite brand of popcorn. It was late in the evening and the parking lot was practically empty, so I felt okay with tearing into the box and shoving a huge piece in my mouth, knowing I wouldn't embarrass myself in front of any onlookers. Satisfied with a mouthful of jerky, I pushed the grocery cart out to my car.

  I wasn't paying much attention to the car parked two spaces away from mine, until Henley stepped out of it.

  He reached into my cart to lift out a bag as I snapped, "Don't touch my stuff."

  "Would you like some help with your groceries?" he asked running his hand along the side of the cart.

  "No," I blurted before saying, "Stay the hell away from me."

  Shaking his head, Henley narrowed his eyes, replying, "You always have to do things the hard way."

  Throwing my last bag in the trunk, I slammed it closed and fussed, "How could you!"

  A slow smile formed before he said, "I warned you."

  Nodding, I griped, "You didn't just hurt me by telling her, you hurt her too."

  Pushing the cart from between us, he argued, "No you did that. This could have all been avoided if you had just come and talked to me."

  Throwing my hands in the air, I questioned, "For what? Yes, I left you because I was pregnant. You made it very clear that you wouldn't share me and if I brought anything into your house you would get rid of it. So what? Now you think it would have changed something? That it wouldn't have been a thousand times worse, than it was for us with my father or your uncle, for her growing up? Or now that she's grown she doesn't fall into the disgusting category for you anymore?"

  Stepping right in front of me, Henley lowered his eyes to mine and shared, "I could care less about your daughter. Did I ask to talk to her? Did I ask to see her?" As I watched his expression grow into agitation, he continued, "Why would I want to have anything to do with her? She took you away from me."

  Unable to comprehend that he was truly that deranged, I said, "But I thought..." when he offered a slow blink before licking his lips and saying, "I wanted her to know what you really are. What you've always been."

  Shaking my head, I was stunned.

  Running his finger across my jaw, Henley's breath was on my cheek as he whispered, "Mine."

  Stumbling back, I shook my head.

  Goosebumps covered my arms and bile rose up in my throat as I stood there staring at him.

  Taking a step towards me he bit the corner of his bottom lip, saying, "Now she's out of the way, you can come back where you belong."

  "You have got to be the most vile person on the face of the earth," I replied in a daze. As revelation after revelation hit me, I announced, "I always thought there was something redeemable about you because of you I got Sophia. That you were just lost like me and that you would eventually find your way but you weren't lost. It wasn't me or us, it was you. You truly are repulsive."

  Anger took him over as he reached out to grab me, growling, "You will always be mine."

  Wishing I had realized all of this sooner, I assured, "I was never yours. I wasn't me back then so you never had me. I was just a hollow shell of nothing. That's what you had. That's what belonged to you and you can have it. That's not me."

  Shaking my head at myself, I turned to get in my car.

  "Deangelo was right. Mignotta, merdoso," Henley shared.

  Hearing my father's words come out of his mouth, I whipped around and stated, "And you can rot in hell with him," before getting into my car and driving away.

  I didn't bother to get my groceries out of the car or even lock my front door after I slammed it closed behind myself as I rushed into my house. Heading straight to the bathroom, I pulled my clothes off along the way. Practically jumping into the bathtub, I pushed the plug and turned the knobs on. For a moment I froze. Watching the water fill the tub with me in it, I could feel my hands start to shake. Closing my eyes, I drew in a controlled breath. When I slowly opened my eyes, I looked down at myself. My body wasn't weak and battered like the last time I sat in a tub. It was lean, fit and without so much as a scrape on it. Exhaling, I leaned back, relaxing in the warm water.

  24

  Reclaiming the Pieces

  My head was throbbing when my nightmare woke me with a jolt. I instantly ran to the mirror and carefully inspected the side of my face. It was so real, I was there and so was Henry. We were in the old office building and I was on my knees. I closed my eyes tight, gritted my teeth and forced the memory out of my mind. It was the only thing I had left. Most of the time, even my subconscious mind wouldn't relive it. I would wake up the moment, I saw his face or when he told me I smelled good. Not this time. There would be no redemption from that moment in my life. The moment I broke or the stranger that broke me.

  ~

  Sitting at my kitchen table, I created an activity for Charlotte as well as jotting down my list on a separate piece of paper. My time seemed to be running out with only two days left before I went back to work, plus I wanted a head start on Charlotte.

  I wanted to reclaim the pieces of myself that were taken from me. Some were taken without permission and some were given with great remorse after the fact. Regardless of how or why, I wanted them back. With each name I crossed out, I felt as though I was making progress until there was only one left and I couldn't bare to write his name. Circling the initial I wrote at the bottom of my list, I wondered how. How do you undo the worst moment of your life? How do you take the moment you realized you weren't strong you were weak? The day your will, your pride, your soul was permanently marred by a stranger.

  The strangest part was, I had no quirks from it. There was nothing I did differently or refused to do after that day. It could have easily never have happened, except it was there. He was there. Always inside my mind just waiting for the right moment. Recalling him say, he was told to take his time, it seemed as though that's exactly what he was doing. After lying dormant for years he was back reminding me it was real and how close I came to the end of my life.

  ~

  Just as I was about to step into the bathtub, there was a loud knock at my front
door. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed a robe off of the back of my bathroom door and slid into it. Hearing another knock as I made my way through my house, I thought 'doesn't anyone call anymore'. Grabbing the doorknob, I waited, thinking whoever it was may have left. Another loud knock startled me a little and I seriously considered getting a peep hole installed.

  Barely cracking my door open, I tightened my robe before opening the door wider for Jackson to enter.

  "Are you feeling better?" he asked.

  Giving him a confused look at first, I remembered I did call in sick but I assumed he understood what I meant.

  "I was fixing to take a bath," I replied.

  Holding a brown paper sack up, he said, "I thought I would return the favor," then giving me a puzzled look, he asked, "A bath?"

  I opened my mouth and started to correct myself, then sighed, "I'm working on these steps...with Charlotte...And a... I just don't want to feel like I'm being a hypocrite or anything."

  Jackson walked further into my house and set the bag he brought on my kitchen table before questioning, "Is she making any progress."

  The way he looked at me made me wonder if he was really asking about Charlotte.

  "A little at a time I think," I replied with an answer that would fit us both.

  Nodding at me, Jackson pulled items out of the sack, saying, "I got that popcorn that you like, some pumpkin seeds, your nasty cheese, black olives..." before he could finish I broke in, saying, "That's not sick people food."

  A wide smile spread across his face before he shook it off, replying, "I didn't think you were really sick. It's more like feel better food."

  My heart melted a little.

  Jackson finished showing me what all he brought before folding the paper sack in half and setting it on the table.

  He stood there for a minute before saying, "Well, I hope you feel better. See you Monday."

  Suddenly sad, I offered, "You can stay for a little while if you want to."