by Pratibha Ray
I was ready to be married. I knew who was to be my husband, who would be able to fulfil the unique conditions of the svayamvar. There was no anxiety in my heart, nor any agitation. That would have been there if my husband were the prince of my dreams. I had never seen Arjun; only heard descriptions of his appearance and stories of his famed strength, heroism and personality. Therefore, like a still lake my mind was calm and filled with gladness.
That day I was strolling in the garden with Nitambini. Talking of Arjun's qualities, she was teasing me. Such teasing had become a habit with her. She said, "Sakhi! Never trust Krishna. He is such a trickster! Having got such a priceless woman as you, will he hand you over to Arjun from the heart? Do not forget that a portion of Krishna is in Arjun. Even after getting Arjun you will still remain Krishna's. Rightfully, his authority over you will persist. I do not know why my mind is filled with doubts watching the arrangements for the ceremony."
I started and asked, "What doubts? Arjun is bound to be victorious in the test set by Father. Shri Krishna himself has approved this test devised by Father."
In a low voice Nitambini said, "I have heard that the five Pandavs are not in Hastinapur. There are bad rumours circulating about them. I hope to God they are not true! If they turn out to be true then you will have to prepare to remain unwed forever."
My left eye twitched. The heart fluttered. In a weak voice I asked, "The five Pandavas are celebrating a festival in Varanavat. Shri Krishna is bound to inform them about the svayamvar. How can there be any doubt about their arrival?"
Nitambini wanted to say something but was unable to say it: "I do not know ... whether the news is true or not ..."
"What news?" I asked anxiously. At that moment wailing was heard from the palace. Maidservants and attendants were lamenting loudly. Both of us were stunned. Why this heart-rending outcry in the midst of joyous celebrations?
Brother Dhrishtadyumna was before me in the garden. His face was pale, eyes downcast. Perhaps father had suddenly taken ill. Agitatedly I asked, "Why this weeping?"
"Shri Krishna has arrived," said Dhrishtadyumna with bowed head.
Surprised I asked, "So what is there in this to weep about?"
Brother said in a thick voice, "We were both born from the sacrificial altar for the protection of dharma. Therefore, like ghee on the flaming altar, we will have to be consecrated to destroying the agony and sins of the world. Krishnaa, you know that the Pandavs had gone to Varanavat."
With bowed head I replied, "Yes, they were halting in the lap of peaceful, beautiful nature at Varanavat. But so what?"
Dhrishtadyumna sat down next to me in the creeper-festooned grove. In a voice heavy with grief he began speaking, "The Pandavs had virtually been sought to be driven away by the conspiring Kauravs. Leaving Hastinapur, they stayed in Varanavat. After their education was over, the blind king Dhritarashtra had no option but to declare Yudhishthir the Crown Prince. The people had faith in him and depended on him. Moreover, Yudhishthir was the eldest. Therefore there was no alternative but to make him the Crown Prince. The Pandavs are brave, strong, discriminating, righteous and peace-loving by nature. Drona, Kripacharya, grandfather Bhishma, minister Vidur and others also strongly supported this decision. After Yudhishthir became the Crown Prince, Duryodhan, Duhshasan and the hundred brothers began to burn with jealousy."
Apprehensively I asked, "Then what happened?"
"That which was inevitable..."
"You mean...!"
Dhrishtadyumna explained, A festival was arranged in Varanavat. The Pandavs were sent off there. Peaceable, simple Yudhishthir — why should he imagine deception? First the Kauravs extolled the merits of Varanavat. So, to have a change of climate the brothers took their mother to Varanavat. A new palace had already been constructed for their stay there. The Pandavs were pleased with the lavish arrangements and decoration of the place. But they did not know that this new palace would open up for them the gates of Yama's kingdom.
I shrieked in distress. Brother caught hold of me, "Yes, Krishnaa! That palace was a house of lac. The Kauravs had engaged Dhritarashtra's cunning minister, Purochan, to seal the Pandavs' fate. He set fire to the house of lac at night. And the Pandavs, Kunti, Purochan — all were burnt to death. It is this terrible news that Krishna has brought, hearing which everyone is grievously stricken. That is why the palace attendants are lamenting. If this is the ultimate fate of the Pandavs, then how will the intention behind our birth ever be fulfilled? Establishing dharma in a world bereft of the Pandavs will be like the blooming of a lotus in a waterless pond."
I sat motionless. What would be my fate now? I had already chosen Arjun in my heart of hearts. I knew that besides him none could fulfil the conditions of the svayamvar. This was how one was held up to mockery in the world by depending on Krishna! I was not so sorry for myself, but for those five virtuous brothers — what a fate to overcome! If this was true then Krishna could never have been the sakha of the Pandavs and he could not have taken birth for the establishment of dharma. But what should I do? Princes from different kingdoms were flocking to the various guest-houses built for the svayamvar. For enjoying the festivities, relatives, friends, foreign guests, all had arrived on being invited. New palaces, eating houses, tourist lodges, entertainment arenas, streets and markets, all were teeming with people. Scholars and priests from various parts of the country had arrived for chanting the hymns. Hoping to win me, many princes were constantly practising with their bows and arrows in the courtyards of the guest-houses neglecting their meals and rest. In such a situation the svayamvar would have to be held. But its results were obvious. That there was no one in the world suited to be my spouse would only sully my reputation, not enhance it. That no one was fit for me could hardly be said to be an auspicious omen for me, for I was a woman and that too one who was to choose her spouse. If everyone failed, Father would certainly not relax the conditions of the test. And if he did relax them, why should I silently accept that? First I was offered to Krishna. Krishna did not accept me and ordained that I was for his sakha, Arjun. I did not feel any hesitation, for Arjun had been born of a portion of Krishna himself. In Arjun's body it was Krishna who was the life and soul. I had not surrendered myself to Arjun's body. It was before his character, his soul that I had offered myself. In other words, it was to Krishna that I had surrendered myself in a different way. I had thought that in getting Arjun I would find Krishna. But if someone other than Arjun succeeded in the test due to Father's relaxations, how could I taint my soul by wedding that person?
Slowly I said, "Brother! Can't the arrangements for svayamvar be stopped?"
Brother was startled and said. "How? Duryodhan with many brothers, Karna, Shakuni, Ashvatthama, Jayadrath, Shalya, Kritavarma, Satyaki, Shishupal, Jarasandh...many competitors have reached the guest-houses. Bhishma, Drona, Kripacharya, Balaram and other respected guests are coming. Scholars from Ang, Vang, Kaling, Chol, Pandya, Magadh, Koshal, Hastinapur, Madra, Kamboj, Gandhar and other kingdoms have come. To speak of aborting the arrangements will be a grave insult to them. Panchal will have to acknowledge defeat before their united strength. Panchal will be gravely endangered. Therefore, for the welfare of the kingdom and to honour the guests, the svayamvar assembly will be held at the notified date and time. There is no other choice."
I thought to myself, Krishnaa's danger could never be of greater importance than the danger facing the kingdom. Therefore it was Krishnaa who would face the danger. But who but I could appreciate how terrible that danger would be?
Sighing deeply I said, "It is the same thing. I would have remained an unwed virgin as it is! None will be able to fulfil the conditions of the svayamvar and, therefore, I shall remain unmarried. Let only the danger facing the kingdom be averted and Panchal be emptied of enemies.
Brother said, "Hopefully, this is what will happen. They will return with their forces. Why should we test their strength?"
I was silent. All the enthusiasm, dreams, fantasies, desires,
anxieties aroused in me by the ceremony had died out. Now I would have to accept the stern ascetic life of a perpetual virgin unmoved by joy and sorrow. After all, if I had no role in what had already occurred and what was going to occur, where was the cause for anxiety?
But that dream-prince of my heart! The thought of that sudden untimely bereavement kept bobbing up in my mind again and again. Remaining unmoved — yes, up to a point. But could anyone ever become emotion-free?
I did not know that my blue eyes were filled with tears. Brother saw it and it pained him. To distract my mind, he said, "Krishnaa! Come, let us go in. Father is expecting us. Krishna has to be greeted. He is Aryavart's finest hero and wisest man. He is our companion in joy and sorrow. It will not be proper to allow any lapse in honouring the guest."
Trying to stem my tears I said, "Will not the greeting of an inconsequential woman like me sully Krishna's glory? These inauspicious eyes of mine had rather not be cast on him. The moment my alliance was proposed with his priya sakha, he was taken away. Even after such a disaster will Krishna like to look at my face?"
Suddenly a stream of nectar flowed through my ears touching the inmost depths of my being. Whose sweet laughter was this? Looking around I found Krishna the most desired of all, standing there! His dark body was looking even more attractive — clad in yellow with auspicious marks on his forehead, rings in his ears, beautiful blue lotus-like eyes, the broad chest adorned with a necklace of gems and a garland of wild flowers, the lips curved in a gentle smile. All my sorrow and distress vanished in a trice. Truly, Krishna was an enchanter. Hypnotised, I began to rise to pranam him.
With the same smile he said, "I would prefer your grieved face to a devotional salute. Perhaps you do not know how much more attractive sorrow makes a pretty face. Whether the news of the accidental death of the Pandavs be true or false, had I not brought it, your face would never have expressed the inimitable loveliness of this sorrow. After seeing the beauty of your face, I have forgotten even the sorrow of losing the Pandavs."
The long-restrained tears now flowed down my cheeks and I thought, "Krishna is pleased by my sorrow! How cruel he is!"
Looking at me steadily he said, "After seeing you my mind tells me that the Pandavs are still alive. He whose marriage has been decided with you can never remain hidden from public view like a coward. If the Pandavs have so easily been deluded into the maw of death by being burnt alive in the house of lac, then that is the result of their foolishness. If Krishna's sakha is such a fool, then Krishna is an even greater fool! Krishnaa! Do you think that I am a fool?"
Looking at Krishna my heart at once said, "Arjun will come. To keep the vow, to rescue Krishnaa from this extreme danger he will come." Shutting my eyes, I prayed to the Supreme.
The sixteenth day of the celebrations. This was the much awaited day.
At the auspicious moment, before dawn, I bathed in the lake in the garden and entered the golden temple of Parvati with my sakhis for worship. I was looking like an ascetic with my entire body unadorned, wet hair left open, falling on my back like waves of the sea. My entire attention was focused on the lotus-feet of Parvati where I bowed after placing the lighted lamp. Silently I prayed, "Devi! Preserve my honour! Refusing to countenance criticism of your husband, you immolated yourself in the sacrificial flames. I was born from that very yajna-altar. If the person I have accepted in my heart as my husband has been burnt to death, is that not an insult to me? Then what is the point in my remaining alive? If anyone other than Arjun was successful in passing the test, Father would accept him as son-in-law, but how can I take him as husband? If there is truly something called dharma, then preserve my dharma as a chaste wife."
At that moment a flower fell from the Devi's head. The priest picked it up and offered it to me, "What you have desired will be fulfilled! This is the sign. The Devi is smiling. She does not smile unless there is a sincere cry from within. Good fortune is certain when she smiles."
My heart sang, "Arjun will come! Definitely!"
I touched the sacred flower to my head and returned to the garden. It brought an incident of another day to mind. It was the day of Sita's svayamvar. She was returning after having worshipped Parvati and the meeting with Ram took place on the way. The four eyes met and became one. It could so happen that in the Devi's courtyard the meeting with Arjun, the union of four eyes, would take place! But who knew whether Arjun was alive at all or....
My heart grew heavy again. No meeting with Arjun occurred. Every moment I thought, "Arjun will come. Four eyes will meet and unite. My life will be blessed." But he did not come.
Chaste Sita was my ideal. After reading her life story I had turned her devotee, had been immersed in her love, had wept in her sorrow. But why compare myself with her? Would I be able to live like her, silently bearing the agony, burning up within? She was a great lady, the beloved of Ram, the glory of the Raghu dynasty; and I was just Panchal princess Yajnaseni — not even knowing this little, whether I had any husband at all. Why should every incident of her life be repeated in mine? Dejectedly, I returned from the temple, looking with hopeful eyes in all directions. Panchal' streets were ringng with joy. The kings, emperors and honoured guests had all arrived. They had no news of the five Pandavs. No more guests to come. The elaborately decorated guest-house prepared for the stay of the Pandavs was still absolutely empty. If the Pandavs were alive, they should have arrived by now. The svayamvar assembly would be held in the forenoon and there was no further possibility of their arrival.
The royal highway was a tree-flanked avenue. Resplendent with new leaves, flowers and loaded with fruit the trees looked like decked-up city women. The cuckoos, parakeets, starlings, thrushes had all got wind of the celebrations in the city. With their heart-stealing songs they were fulfilling their duty by joining in the music for the ceremony, as it were.
In front of the guest-houses the onlookers were fascinated by the swans gracefully swimming in the crystal-clear ponds. There was not a cloud in the sky. Yet at places peacocks were dancing, participating in the singing and dancing of the celebrations, as though they were competing with the dancers.
I returned from the garden with my sakhis by way of the Panchvihar. Ultimately one would get to know whether the Pandavs had come or not. Through the lattice of leaves and creepers the Panchvihar looked most attractive. Dancers were dancing in the entertainment halls of the guest-houses. The Panchvihar, decorated with multi-coloured lights, was still resplendent. The entrances to the halls were decorated with many-coloured flowers. Holding garlands in golden trays for greeting guests, lovely maidens still stood waiting. The Pandavs might arrive at any moment. Even the plants and trees of Panchal could not believe that the Pandavs had been burnt alive. Looking at the decorated guest rooms it seemed to be that the Pandavs were about to arrive ... they would surely arrive.
Who was that striking figure in the guest house? Who was that youth, with complexion like blue clouds, in the garden of coloured flowers? Arjun? I was unable to see clearly. My heart started beating fast. Some sakhi was saying, "Aah! Shri Krishna remained awake all night in the Panchvihar waiting for Arjun. How pale this freshly blooming blue lotus appears in disappointment! Will Arjun and his four brothers really arrive? See how distracted Krishna is, sitting and waiting!"
At this my eyes brimmed over with tears. My fears that the worship of Parvati had been fruitless became firmer. Hearing the tinkling of our anklets, Krishna too joined us on the pathway. Noticing me he said, "Krishnaa! On this earth it is man who suffers the most. Even when he is immersed in happiness he keeps worrying about grief and danger. While sunk in sorrow, some people keep imagining a state of happiness. True, even in grief joy lies hidden and the tears in your eyes are proof of this." Lifting up my tearful eyes I looked at Krishna. With a smile Krishna said, "These tear-drops of yours are reflecting the vermilion rays of the rising sun, enhancing the beauty of your face and thereby the value of these drops. The sun-rays are themselves glorified. How enchanting they
are becoming! Therefore, even tears have a value in life — there is a loveliness even in the shedding of tears. Precisely in the same manner, sorrow too has value, for behind grief happiness lies ready. What is to happen is bound to happen anyway. Therefore, in the moment of joy instead of savouring it, what is the point of weeping and imagining sorrows before the moment for tears has arrived?"
I could not say anything. I pranam-ed Krishna. It was my very sorrow which was my offering to him today. There was nothing other than grief in my heart. I began feeling that my heart had become somewhat lighter.
The competing kings, richly dressed, had assumed their seats on the gold-embossed dais. A costly pavilion covered the entire assembly-hall. Wall-hangings woven with gold and silver threads were gleaming in the light. Each king was smug with self-satisfaction considering himself worthy of Krishnaa. Scholars and priests were seated in a separate area. For Brahmins there was a separate arrangement. For accommodating the spectators from the city and the women arrangements had been made on one side. The citizens and subjects had decked themselves out with ornaments. Their seating arrangements were such that while they could overlook the hall, they were not visible to the guests.
But I! I would have to appear in front of everyone for it was my svayamvar. I would be on display before all. My beauty and radiance would spur the competitors on.
The sakhis had decorated me in many ways. Pure white clothing and flowers covered my whole body. Seeing my reflection in the mirror I thought: "Why don't white flowers look so lovely in the garden?" Sandalwood and heady perfume mingling with the lotus scent of my body were capable of perfumng the entire hall. I had always preferred white clothes and white flowers. So they had adorned me only with diamonds. How attractive and enchanting dark complexion could be I realised only that day after seeing myself. Accompanied by my sakhis, seated in a decorated palanquin, escorted by brother Dhrishtadyumna, I entered the hall. As they came to a halt, at my brother's command I alighted from the palanquin. The entire hall filled with murmurs the moment I arrived. Young and old, Brahmin and Kshatriya, men and women — everyone gazed stunned at my dark loveliness. With lowered eyes, slowly I advanced towards the prescribed spot. I was profoundly ashamed to be the target of so many lustful eyes. I wanted to hide my face in the veil. Then, as if in tune with my wish, bees left the bouquets arranged in the hall and began humming around me like a dark blue veil creating a curtain between the greedy eyes of the princes and myself. They got agitated and began breathing in deeply the fragrance of my body. Their breathing could be mistaken for a mild gust of wind.