by Pratibha Ray
All conflicts were at an end.
I became the subtle thread for keeping the five flowers bound together, whom no one would see; whose pain and anguish no one would know; word of whose torment would reach none.
9
The wedding festivities continued for five days. The royal priest Dhaumya placed my hand by turn in the hands of the five Pandavs. One by one, five times over, with fire as witness, I married all five of them; swore vows five times — "With body, mind and speech I am yours, only yours. I shall not deceive you. Thrice do I say this is the truth."
In my mind the question arose — was this possible? Was this the truth or self-deception?
On the first occasion at the wedding altar the priest placed my hand in that of Yudhishthir. That night I was to meet him. Father had arranged for five guest rooms for my five husbands. For the nights of the marriages five bedrooms were prepared in five palaces with special pomp and show.
The first night I offered Yudhishthir my devotion. What could I give him other than devotion? Yudhishthir was extremely handsome, with a serene and calm face. At the very first sight all my anger dissolved. That he should arrange things in this fashion being attracted to me — what was his fault in this? He who had poured so much of beauty and youth into this female form and had filled man with the thirst for beauty was to blame.
I pranam-ed him. In a calm and soft voice he said — "I hope there is no sorrow in your mind, daughter of Drupad? In a fashion you have been forced into this marriage. Do you think ill of me? Are you depressed?"
With bowed head I thought — "Why this question now? Even if I am depressed, what can be done about it?" But I said, "You are the lord of dharma. Whatever you do has awareness of dharma behind it. If anyone is depressed as a result of that, it means that he does not respect dharma. I have taken birth from the sacrificial altar of dharma. Therefore, I am profoundly attached to dharma."
Yudhishthir grew joyful. Like the sweet face of a child his delicate face appeared incomparable in its innocent beauty. Most respectfully he said, "Yajnaseni! Ever since I heard the account of your birth I have been attracted to you. I knew that without you the preservation of dharma was impossible. So I had to make you my own. With fire as witness you have married me — that is enough. I do not want anything more. You have been won by Arjun. It is he who was victorious in the svayamvar. Therefore, I have no objection to his setting up home with you. Let this pure relationship persist between us. That way, Mother's words will not be dishonoured. Your womanhood will not be insulted either. The other brothers will agree with me. What is your view regarding this?"
I was torn asunder with fury, feeling grossly insulted. Shooting a piercing glance at him I said, "You will go on being praised as Lord of Dharma while, I, spending the whole of life in an untruth, go on incurring sin? Having kept fire as witness to make you my husband should I discharge the duties of a wife towards only one husband? Let the world call me unchaste but why should I remain untrue and disloyal to my husbands and spend my entire life feeling guilty?"
Perhaps Yudhishthir was prepared for such a reply from me. In a sweet voice he said, "Who does not desire you? But it is not easy to satisfy all five of us. The five of us have different inclinations and desires. What I like, the others do not. They would not like to see you as I would. If I say, 'Go to the temple', then Bhim will ask you to go to the kitchen, Arjun will want to go hunting; Nakul will wish to go roaming in the forests on horseback; Sahadev will want to sit in private in the courtyard and watch the stars in silence and, (computing their positions) dream of the future. Then what will you do? Whose will you be? Whose demand will you satisfy?"
I was perplexed, but I did not reveal this — "What you command shall be done first. For, your orders are obeyed by the other brothers too."
Yudhishthir said intimately, "It is not such a simple thing, Yajnaseni! You will suffer for this. You are not familiar with the nature of men. Man cannot bear the authority of anyone else over his favourite object. You are, as it is, the beloved of all five. None of us would like to have you out of his sight even for an instant. None will tolerate the slightest indifference. Then what will be the state of affairs?"
I had thought over it, not once but many times, but what was the value of my thoughts? To honour mother Kunti's words I had been offered in oblation. More anger flared up in me against Yudhishthir. Everything had been started by him. But why was he now proffering such explanations? He knew that now no change was possible. Then why was he indulging in useless talk?
In a steady voice I said, "On my account perhaps none of you need to suffer. All will get me wholly, this I vow. Krishnaa is not all-bearing like the earth. Yet she detests cunning and disloyalty."
Yudhishthir was waiting for my reply. Putting a hand on my shoulder he said, "Come Yajnaseni! As partner in my life, in the dharma-yajna, become my wife in dharma — You are the first woman in my life."
I made myself firm. How many princesses of Aryavart would have done penance for becoming the wife of Yudhishthir, the lord of dharma! I was getting him without any power of ascesis. But as yet I was half a virgin. Even now my marriage was not complete. I would have to marry four more with fire as witness. Before that it would not be proper for me to sacrifice my virginity. Before me stood my husband, the soul of righteousness, serene, courageous, wise, Crown Prince of Hastinapur! Today was the first night of our union. But I was unable to surrender myself at his feet. Till my marriage was formalised with the others, I would have to preserve my virginity intact. In no one's life had such a dilemma, such a peril, such a terribly dangerous juncture arisen and it was unlikely that it would occur in future either.
I braced myself for the ordeal. In a soft voice I said, "Forgive me, Lord of Dharma! As yet my marriage is not complete. Before dawn, having purified myself by bathing, I shall again have to sit at the marriage altar. Keeping fire as witness, the right to wed a man according to vedic rites resides only in a woman who is a virgin. You will surely understand me."
Yudhishthir burst into laughter. In that laughter there was no deception, no remorse, no compassion, no distress. Calmly he said, "You have easily passed the first test of life. Yajnaseni! Your devotion to truth and self-control are what I treasure. Tell me now how we shall pass the night."
Inwardly I was sorry for my husband. How easily he had mastered his desire and lust! Would he not be hurt? Would he not be cursing me secretly?
In a calm and tender voice I said, "Please take rest. To ensure that you sleep well I will massage your feet and the night will pass."
He protested and said, "I would rather you got some rest. You must be tired out. You must have undergone much strain walking with us through the forest. Do not worry about me. I shall sit down to play."
'You will play?"
"Yes, at dice — "
"With whom?"
"Alone, by myself." — He was smiling.
Full of surprise I exclaimed, "Alone, by yourself!"
"Everyone does. Everyone means you, myself, all men and women of this world and all insects. We do not play on our own. Someone directs us and we play. In this world everyone leads his own life and lives for him self." Yudhishthir was labouring under strong emotion.
Quietly I said, "But no man can play dice alone."
Yudhishthir said in the same manner, "Yajnaseni! Today in the first night of our union it is my duty to expose before you the weakness of my life. Playing dice is my greatest weakness. I can restrain myself in every sphere except dicing. There is a reason for such a weakness."
I kept looking at him enquiringly. I thought dicing was a royal luxury and entertainment. Kings found pleasure in it. But why should any king be weak because of this? Conquering kingdoms, vanquishing enemies, possessing gems and wealth, weakness for wine and women — kings had many such weaknesses. But why should the Lord of Dharma have a weakness for dicing?
Perhaps behind this lay some obstinate perversity of adolescence which had now turned into a weakness
. In childhood while being trained under guru Dronacharya the five Pandavs had never known defeat in anything. They had passed all tests during student days quite well. They had remained favourites of their preceptor. Because of this the hundred Kaurav brothers were full of envy and animosity. They could not defeat the Pandavs in anything. So it was to dicing that they took recourse. Of course, dicing had no special place during student days. Therefore, it was but natural for Yudhishthir to lose in this. But at that tender age the Kauravs neglected their studies and became experts in gambling. They lagged behind in studies. They knew that however brave or intelligent the Pandavs might be, they would never be able to win in dicing, although in other games they might defeat the Kauravs. They had no answer to Bhim in any game. In swimming, too, he would grab hold of ten or twelve Kauravs and duck them for a long time. They would madly struggle and gasp for breath — only then would he release them. While playing with an iron ball in the woods he would throw it so hard that others would get hurt. The Kauravs were worshippers of cruelty in entertainment. Climbing up trees they destroyed nests and throttled the chicks, finding pleasure in that. Bereft of their nests and offspring, the bird-couples would lament grievously. Then the coarse laughter of the Kauravs would broadcast their barbarity. Right then Bhim would shake the tree so hard that they would fall down and get injured. Sometimes he would even uproot the tree and throw it into the stream. But in gambling strength was not needed. Watching out for a suitable time they would challenge the Pandavs to a game of dice. Bhim and the other brothers would not show any interest in that.
Yudhishthir, however, was very conscious of self-respect from childhood. He would participate in the dice-game and invariably lose. He would repeatedly accept their invitation in case the Kauravs thought that he had not responded out of fear of defeat. Despite having lost, he would play again and again. He would think, 'By going on playing I shall surely defeat them in gambling'. Caught in this obsession, whenever he found time he would practise gambling by himself, alone. And this became his weakness. He accorded defeat and victory in this game the status of royal honour. Winning and losing as such did not count for much with him. The shame of that defeat in adolescence had become a blind, perverse obsession with him.
Hearing this, it seemed to me that every human being had some stubborn streak, weakness, addiction or bad habit. Compared to any of these, this simple stubbornness of Yudhishthir was pardonable. How many addictions, weaknesses there could have been in the future king of Hastinapur! Compared to those, this was hardly anything. Moreover, to confess this before his wife on the very first night showed his nobility. The future king was hardly bound to expose before his wife such a minor weakness! From this viewpoint, Yudhishthir was an ideal husband.
I again pranam-ed him. In a mild voice he began saying — "Take rest, Princess! Before dawn I will wake you up. I will not be able to sleep tonight. The joy of having obtained you has stolen my sleep. I will play by myself — then four days later when I shall meet you again, then I shall not play alone."
Looking at me he broke into laughter. Internally I was gathering strength. The first night of acting was about to end.
The second night. I did not have to change my body. But one had to change one's character. One had to be transformed. Transformation was nothing but acting!
Bhim was different from Yudhishthir. In appearance, qualities, personality, habits, behaviour and conversation he was distinct. Immediately on entering the bed-chamber he placed his head-piece in my hands, handed over the ornaments and dress saying, "Now all this is your job. You see, besides my stomach I do not bother about any work of mine. I am not conscious about my body or dress. Take care of my stomach first, then come all other things. Only remember that I love eating. My second weakness is that I am somewhat overfond of women. Do not mistake this for a tendency to polygamy. Hidimba is not here. She will never come to Hastinapur. That is the condition with her. The moment I saw you I was attracted, for you are very beautiful. By the mere touch of your hand the simplest food becomes amrita. What more do I want? Only delicious food. When I want, give me your company. That is all, you understand? Among us, my share is greater. Mother's direction, too, is that. Similarly, in obtaining you too my share is greater. All the hungers that are in man are present in me powerfully. The responsibility for quenching them is yours." Then he laughed. There was a wicked glint in his eyes.
Depressed, I was thinking, "How shall I divide mind from body? How shall I simultaneously satisfy Bhim's excessive hunger while discharging my responsibilities towards my other four husbands properly?" Bhim did not notice any reaction in me. He was engrossed in his self-expression. I had not even opened my mouth till now. I had not expressed any opinion — whether I had taken in his words or not. He continued saying, "Look, Draupadi! I am rather quick-tempered. I do not tolerate sulking or anger on anyone's part. The moment I notice any neglect of duty I immediately take drastic measures. With me there is no question of forgiveness. However, I do not nurse any grudge. Whatever comes to mind, I speak out. The next moment I forget my anger. Therefore, you will have to tolerate my anger. I know that you are extremely cultured, intelligent and patient. Women ought to be like that. If women are not capable of bearing everything, family ties get loosened. If you do not tolerate my anger it is you who will suffer. For, I shall leave you to live with my rakshasi wife Hidimba. Hidimba belongs to the rakshas race, but as a wife she is devoted to me. She is afraid of my anger. She saw how with one blow I killed her brother, Hidimb. Who is not afraid for his life!" Bhimsen laughed loudly, mightily pleased with himself.
Even then I sat dumb. It was not pleasant to listen to the praise of my co-wife Hidimba from the lips of my husband. Moreover, Bhim's hectoring tone also pained me. I said nothing at all. A woman had to bear everything. If I said something and Bhim went away to Hidimba, would Yudhishthir ever forgive me? My primary duty was to string all five in the thread of unity. If Bhim left Hastinapur then on the basis of whose strength would the Pandavs raise their voice against the tyranny and injustice of the Kauravs?
The next instant I thought, if out of fear of Bhim's anger and annoyance I gave him more time than the others, expressed greater regard, or took more care of him, then the other husbands would take exception. It would bring about alienation from Bhim. Because of this reason unity would be destroyed. Then what would happen to me? No end to the dilemma was anywhere in sight.
Bhim pulled at my anchal. Playfully he said, "Oho! Why are you dumb like a clay doll? I do not understand all this. The learned woman is said to be sparing of speech. But there is no need for my wife to be learned. What is the use of women being learned? Let them be lovely — enough! Let them be good cooks, provide service, laugh with me, talk to me, sing to me, do whatever I command instantly. Understand? Otherwise I'm off to Hidimba. She will be waiting for me. The moment she receives my command, she will start dancing to entertain me. Will you be able to be like that? Do not sit like this pulling a long face. Such a glum face infuriates me! Aha! Scared just by that!"
Bhim laughed out aloud. He was bubbling with glee and curiosity. But my eyes brimmed over. What a terrible test! Yudhishthir wanted a learned lady who would discriminate between dharma and adharma; who would be able to sacrifice life's dearest possession for the sake of dharma; who, having comprehended the essence of the scriptures, practised them in her life. Bhim's inclination was in a different direction. There were still three other husbands whose likes and dislikes were yet to be known.
This body of five elements would be the possession of five persons. How would this be possible?
The dilemma lies stretching endlessly,
The night somehow always ends.
10
The fragrance of Krishna, and only Krishna, pervaded the entire house. He was here just now. Before meeting sakhi Krishnaa he was giving sakha Arjun some advice.
That day was the first night of union with Arjun! My life's first five nights of union! Each night began amid profound self-
control and inner conflict.
But that night was special. It was going to be the night my heart supremely craved. If Arjun could be my only husband! Everything in my life was happening like the unreal scenes in some play! Did anything like this ever happen anywhere else?
The third wedding night. I was thinking this would be the most memorable night in my life. Under the compulsion of circumstances a man does many things. For the sake of the country, for the sake of the community, for preserving dharma, a man does many a gooseflesh-raising deed against his will. As a result, he gains in honour, achieves renown, but one does not know whether his soul too gets peace or not. But where the inner sanction exists, that act gratifies the soul too. My situation was such.
It was only after I had offered my soul to Arjun that I was forced to marry the five brothers. Why? Because as a result of that dharma would be preserved. That among the five husbands my soul was pledged to Arjun, had to be acknowledged.
Sakhi Nitambini knew my mind. So she decorated the bridal chamber elaborately that day. The doors and windows were beautified with garlands of blue lilies, champak and other fragrant flowers. If she had her own way, she would have embellished them with diamonds, pearls and gems. But she knew my taste. Despite being a princess, why was my taste thus? Perhaps there was a fateful purpose behind this! For years this queen of a kingdom would have to remain a queen of the forest — this I did not know, but my fate was not unaware of that.