by Pratibha Ray
Nitambini had adorned me with jewels ignoring my protests. "From today you are free from the ascetic life. Now you are a queen. The queen of Hastinapur will wear cloth woven of golden thread. She will put on jewels and ornaments, and anklets of diamond and sapphire when she enters the bridal chamber."
Leaving me in the room, shutting the door, the sakhis left. Through the glittering pearl-studded veil I saw my beloved, the heroic Phalguni, waiting.
How wonderful did he look! Tall, firm, well-proportioned body, gentle beauty, bright eyes, face decorated with sandalwood paste, a garland of white flowers round his neck, curly black locks picturing rain clouds, in his eyes the stillness of the blue sea. I looked at him only once. My eyes fell in shyness though I wanted to gaze at that enchanting form for ever.
Very gently Arjun left his seat and approached me. I stood still with a trembling heart. If I surrendered my all to this supremely desired man then for my two other husbands how would I regain virginity before marriage?
But — but this my beloved, beautiful as Kandarpa, the god of love — how could I turn him back from the door of my heart? If I did so, his loving heart would break and before that my heart would shatter into a hundred pieces.
My attention was centred on my breast. How would I make this distressed heart understand? Suddenly I was startled. Whose was this lovely face on my breast! He was standing afar. How was I seeing him on my breast? Chheeh! How naughty Nitambini was! In the pendant in my necklace she had placed a tiny mirror of glowing pearl. In that mirror Arjun's face was reflected. He was smiling gently. I was even further immersed in shame. I tore my eyes away from the mirror and fixed my eyes on my hands and feet. But even there it was the same predicament. There on the gems adorning each finger and toe Arjun's reflection was shimmering. In the earrings, the ornaments on my forehead, the nose-stud — everywhere Arjun's bejewelled form was reflected. In every limb of mine Arjun's picture was being etched. Every pore of mine was thrilled, the body was covered with droplets of sweat. In them, too, Arjun was reflected. Now how would I control myself? How would dharma be protected? Yet two more marriages would have to be gone through with fire as witness. I felt I would faint at the mere touch of Arjun. Thereafter what would take place — what control would I have over that?
When a man loses faith in himself he seeks some different path. He cheats himself till his sorrow has passed to be free from torment.
He had intuited my secret dilemma. Softly he said, "Krishnaa!"
This voice — whose was it? Was it Krishna's? Such a gentle, sweet voice was only his! How did his sakha Arjun know that it was one of my names and that it was this name which was dear to me?
My concentration was broken. Arjun was saying, "Why are you anxious? I know your vow. It is the husband's duty, too, to fulfil his wife's vow. Before the marriages are complete not one of your husbands will attempt to put even the hint of a mark on your unsullied virginity. This is the speciality of the Pandavs. But Krishnaa...!" He stopped midway in his speech. Dark clouds of sorrow and depression were obscuring his pleasant face. How could he have a sorrow? Was I the cause of his grief? If this was so, what was the sense in my remaining alive?
In a choked voice he went on, "My supreme moments of happiness with you have gone by. The time that I have been able to have you solely to myself, that remains the most precious period in my life. The rest of life that remains in our hands is solely for the sake of preserving dharma, preserving civilization, for the welfare of the world. Therefore, how can you lose faith in yourself? Now you are no longer your own; you belong to the world! Why should I blame you for having offered yourself for the preservation of dharma in the world?"
Startled, I glanced at my husband. Shyness, hesitation, everything, disappeared. The eager, expectant bride within me had been pushed far away. What was all this that Arjun was saying? My life with him had just begun that day with this tender moment of union. His days of happiness with me had ended — what was the sense of these words? Moreover, how could he blame me?
Arjun was following everything. Taking my hand he seated me on the be-gemmed bed and said, "When we were returning from the svayamvar-assembly by the forest path who knew that you would not be able to remain mine, only mine? It was during those moments that I felt myself to be the world's greatest hero. I thought if sun-rays and moonlight fell on you, I would remove even the sun and the moon! If our pet deer and birds embraced you lovingly, I would behead them! So much so that I was even jealous of your necklace. Only this is my request: Krishnaa! As long as I am before you, remove this necklace and these ear-rings. The necklace touches your breast, the earrings touch your cheeks. How can I, as your husband, tolerate this? But who could imagine that I would have to meet you on the third night and then wait for some more days, till the third night after the marriages with Nakul-Sahadev?"
I complained, "You have won me. You could have said, 'No one else has a right to Krishnaa! Why did you leave everything to me?"
In a voice heavy with sorrow Arjun said, "Brother had spoken thus and Mother had replied! Whatever I said thereafter was as son, as a younger brother. That was what dharma dictated. I could not have spoken otherwise. What my reply would be had been determined by Elder Brother and Mother. But what reply you would give was wholly within your grasp. Unhesitatingly, without any bar, you could give your decision..."
Anger, hurt, self-esteem, mortification were choking me. I sobbed out, "The five Pandavs, their mother, guru Krishna Dvai-payan and your sakha Shri Krishna are capable of doing anything on this earth for preserving dharma. Should Draupadi alone, considering her happiness, honour and pride more important, disregarding the views of them all, invite the scorn and curses of the whole world? Is it this that you wanted? If that had happened, your desire would have been fulfilled, Krishnaa would have been exposed — "I checked myself midway trying to suppress my anger.
Arjun placed his hand on my shoulder. Calmly he began speaking, "It is no use crying over spilt milk, Krishnaa. Is it not a matter of good fortune that even for some time we had got each other wholly? There are many instances of sacrificing personal interest in the cause of a greater interest pertaining to the world. The world is now in peril. Just understand this that we have come on this earth not for our own sake, but with a greater aim. I am no different from my brothers. If for any reason I wish to be different, then that will be the beast within me. Even though I am proud of winning you, that is the egotism of my manhood. In truth, who are you? Who am I? Who are these four brothers of mine? Where have we come from? Where are we going? Even this we do not know. By living on this earth for some days if you are able to add to the happiness and prosperity of everyone, why should I be sorry for that? Will that not be gross selfishness on my part?"
I kept listening to his virtuous counsel. Rather than giving me solace, he was actually consoling himself. He was more mortified than I was, more helpless. My heart brimmed over in empathy. I was furious with sakha Govind. Arjun was the beloved friend of the finest man in Aryavart, one as learned and discriminating as Govind. For what crime of his could other men lay claim to his wife? Even though they were his own brothers, they were other men! Why had such punishment been meted out to him?
Forgetting my pride, anger and hurt, I got so immersed in Arjun's grief that slipping out of control two tear-drops spilled out of my eyes and fell on his feet like two pearls.
In a pained voice Arjun said, "Krishnaa, you are no mere beautiful princess. You are distinguished in learning and knowledge. You are a poet. There is great need for tears in life. There are times when you faint if you do not cry. Therefore, it is not proper to insult tears whimsically. It is the companions in adversity who are the finest friends, and those are tears. Do not waste them."
Wiping my tears, I looked at him. Despite being covered with clouds, the vast expanse of the sky was not affected. Despite being touched with depression, his beauty was not lessened a jot. Rather, the darkness of sorrow had made his manhood all the more impress
ive. Forgetting my grief, I kept gazing, fascinated, at the beauty of his face. I thought, though life might have to be spent amid slander, calumny, sorrow and conflict, I was blessed as I had got Phalguni. In an instant all the darkness vanished. Arjun, too, was trying to be agreeable. Why cry over what was not under our control?
Arjun sat near me. Like an intimate friend he began saying, "The desire to marry you sprang from two causes. The first was your name itself, 'Krishnaa!' Your name resembled that of my beloved sakha, Krishna. So I fell in love with your name. Secondly, you are learned and a poet. I have heard that you have written much about my sakha. Can I hear some?"
I cringed in embarrassment. I murmured, "Who told you all this?"
Arjun laughed and said, "My sakha is clairvoyant. He has that power. As a child he did many miraculous deeds. He is superhuman. He keeps humming some of your lines."...
11
I blushed crimson with embarrassment. Truly my poems had been composed with Krishna in mind. How had he got to read them? Must be Nitambini's work! My poems had been in her custody for some days. She had taken some for reading and had left them behind in the garden. The next day Krishna had gone there for a walk and these fell into his hands. He had returned them. Perhaps at that time Nitambini did not know this. Whatever it might be, how sweet my poems sounded in Arjun's voice! He was such an expert singer!
I was listening with bowed head. Arjun went on speaking — "Krishney! Poetry is fine in itself, but if the poems had been addressed to anyone other than Krishna, I would not have pardoned you today! But even before my telling you, you have wanted my sakha heart and soul. I do not know what is that quality in him that makes any woman lose her head and heart the very first time she sees him. Had you not desired him, then sometime or other some unpleasantness was bound to have arisen between ourselves over him. Sometimes he gives such counsel that it may seem he is thrusting you into a chasm. But if we wait with patience, then we realise that behind it lies concern only for our welfare. Had he not given us this information, how would we have come to know of the svayamvar? Therefore, will it not be proper for us to be eternally grateful to him?
In jest I said, "So it seems that to you Krishna is dearer than Krishnaa."
Arjun laughed and said, "Krishna is dear to me, and Krishna is dear to Krishnaa; therefore, Krishnaa is exceedingly dear to me.
The night passed in singing the praises of Krishna.
Nakul and Sahadev were the twin sons of the Ashvinikumars. Both were beautiful as Kamadev himself. Faces resplendent as the full moon, eyes calm and compassionate. Obedient to the eldest brother Yudhishthir, exceedingly devoted to their mother, courteous, refined, mild, modest. Both were delighted at getting me as their bride because this happened on account of mother Kunti's command and the elder brother's wish.
Of the two, Nakul was the more handsome. He had more delicacy and grace. Like petals of flowers blooming in the morning sunlight, the touch of grace on the soft, handsome face attracted the heart. Nakul was simple like a child, his heart was open like a blooming, joyous flower. At the first meeting he said, "Devi Panchali, the desire to wed you had awoken from the very day I got to know you. Do you know the reason?" I kept smiling softly at the simple confession. Like a playmate, he caught my hand and drew me to the window.
"Panchali! Do you see my horse? That is my only fascination. I personally tend it. This is what I have heard: you love animals and birds very much; your residence is a beautiful sanctuary; you are able to understand the language of birds and beasts, can follow their gestures; angry elephants calm down on seeing you; poisonous snakes stepped on by you forget to bite back. I am delighted that from now on my horses will be looked after by you too. Getting your loving care they will become the finest horses in the world. If you wish you can bring your pets here. If we ever return to Hastinapur, you will be the queen and your pets will live in royal luxury. I have heard that if they do not eat, you too starve and that you cannot do without them."
"How did you get to know all this?" I asked in amusement.
Nakul replied, "Govind has told us all the events from your birth till now. It is sweet to hear of your qualities from his lips. Actually, having heard of your beauty and qualities from him, we all secretly desired you. Having obtained you, we have become eternally indebted to Govind."
I wondered what Govind's intention was behind this carefully laid out strategy.
Nakul was repeatedly gazing at his reflection in the mirror and admiring himself. His own appearance captivated him more than the new bride dressed for the first tryst. Again and again he was adjusting his ornaments and dress. Looking at himself in the mirror, he felt satisfied. I was vastly amused at his being so childlike, caught up in himself. I wished I could cup that inimitable delicate beauty in my hands and pet and love it. With this husband there would not be much conflict, I felt.
"The horse is, of course, very beautiful and you, too, are beautiful" he would be exceedingly glad to hear this, I thought. But Nakul himself said, "I hope you like me. Is my appearance up to your expectations? I know that a beautiful woman would want that her husband should be beautiful too. It is you who have to judge whether I fill the bill."
I understood the implications of these words. Nakul wanted to say that he would be the best of the five husbands from the viewpoint of beauty. This was what he wanted to hear from me. On the wedding night it was praise of the bride's beauty that suited the husband's lips. But I had to say, "I fade away before your beauty. You should tell me whether you like me. This marriage has, after all, been forced upon you by Yudhishthir, compelled by Mother. You had no chance at all of selecting or rejecting."
Nakul went on looking at me fascinated. In a voice heavy with emotion he began speaking, "Krishnaa! I thought God had poured the entire beauty of creation into me alone. I was worried that my lifemate might be wanting in this. But the Creator is wise. In case I become insignificant beside your world-enchanting beauty, my friend beautified me with very great care."
I laughed out. I liked Nakul's simple and pure self-expression. I thought: now Nakul would be the companion of my joys and sorrows. I would be able to express my mind and heart freely before him.
12
Like Nakul, Sahadev was modest and gentle, but sparing of speech. He did not speak unless it was necessary. Was talking indispensable? Lines of poetry were written in his very limbs. Dreams gathering thick in his eyes conjured up the love-tryst. Though he was ever immersed in profound thought, on looking at him it would seem as if you were hearing the rhythm of poetry.
The moment he saw me poetry bloomed in his dreamy eyes. For some moments he kept staring at me unblinking. Drowned in embarrassment, I sat stiff. He kept gazing, enamoured, lost. Then, somewhat sadly, sighed deeply. I got worried. What was his grief? And why?
He said nothing. Should I speak first on the wedding night?
He spoke first: "Krishnaa! On earth man alone is aware of death and conscious of the future. Therefore, he is afraid, is anxious, has dreams, gets lost in thoughts of the future. He suffers too. The beast has no worry about the future; the present is its supreme moment. This is the difference between man and beast. Man planning for the future commits sins as well as virtuous deeds. Since the ancient times man's mind has been filled with irrepressible curiosity and anxiety regarding the future. Your future flashed before my eyes the moment I saw you in the svayamvar hall. Your future is so romantic that on that very day I wished to make myself a partner in it. We are princes of Hastinapur but are facing a severe trial. What his purpose is in uniting you with our lives, only Govind knows. I know only this that you can become a fitting companion on our life-paths. On knowing this, the irrepressible desire to get you that had arisen in my heart has been fulfilled. But remember one thing: when I speak I cannot be wholly frank because since childhood I have been over-sensitive. We are twin sons of mother Madri. Nakul is more handsome than me, lively and strong. Therefore, he leaves me behind in everything. So much so that even in gett
ing the love of our parents I used to be left behind.
"Father left us in childhood. Ma Kunti filled that vacancy. As a child, being quiet by nature, I was not able to think about myself. Bhim used to keep Ma Kunti so preoccupied that I did not feel like bothering her much. Therefore, I remained content with whatever I got. You are my wife, but the other four brothers have equal rights over you. Because of their power and strength if all leave me behind in the race for your affection, respect, intimacy, I will not blame you. I will not assert my rights by force either. My principle is to remain content with whatever comes my way. But it is the duty of the wife to understand her husband's mind. If you keep performing your duties properly, I will never have to speak my mind about anything."
I sat quiet. Why did God give me so many qualities that all five brothers had found their various inclinations and likes in me? What if I failed to satisfy everyone fully?
Can anyone please everyone? Even God cannot satisfy everyone. If you try to satisfy everyone no one gets satisfied. Your own mind gets weighed down. Merely on thinking of this, you lose confidence in your self. I felt helpless and distressed. I asked myself, "Who will help me? On whom shall I depend? Govind, who has turned my life into a joke? Does he find happiness in this? All right, Govind, I, too, will find happiness in this. Because you are my husband's dear sakha. If you are happy, then my husband will be happy. It is just in this that my life will become meaningful."
For five days the marriage festivities went on. Music, lights, dance and song, gifts, feasting — with all this the Panchal capital echoed with joy like Indra's palace.
The weddings were over. Now the bridegrooms and the bride were to be sent off. It was my misfortune that my husbands had been driven out of their kingdom. To save themselves, they were roaming in the forests. Where, in which forest, would they keep the gifts given by Father? He had given each son-in-law a thousand begemmed, gold-plated chariots with pennants, a thousand white elephants decked with gold ornaments, loaded with jewels, many types of luxurious items and beautiful slaves and maids. For each son-in-law expensive garments had been given as presents. For me, specially, pots of my favourite flowers on a thousand chariots, my pets, my library, my musical instruments, various types of clothes and jewellery. Much had come as gifts from Father's allies. Krishna, ruler of Dvaraka, had sent many presents. Among them was a ring set with a blue sapphire and also a maid named Maya.