by Pratibha Ray
I drew the anchal over my head, keeping eyes lowered, though I wished that I could see that cursed hero from near.
Karna pranam-ed Mother. In a soft voice he said, "Why did you take the trouble of coming? You could have sent me a message and I myself would have gone to Khandavprasth." Mother kissed Karna's forehead and blessed him. In a hurt voice she said, "What trouble? Does the mother feel any difficulty in coming to see the son? I came to know that to meet your parents you had come to the Ang kingdom. I could not control myself and came."
Smiling wanly Karna said, "This is my great good fortune."
"Keep quiet. One does not talk to mothers as with kings and emperors. What will bahu think? For pranam-ing you she has come from so far away. You never came to Khandavprasth to bless her. So I brought her here — reckoning you are the eldest."
Laughing, Karna said, "She who has obtained heroes like the five Pandavs, with whom a sakha like Krishna stays — she needs the blessings of an insignificant man like me?"
Mother warned him, "Leave this useless talk. The moment you see me your heart fills with wounded pride. You have not forgotten the childhood quarrels and disputes with the Pandavs."
Mother signalled me to pranam Karna. Before pranam-ing Karna it would be proper to touch Mother's feet. On pranam-ing one person it is necessary to pranam all the elders present. My head was bowed. I saw Mother's feet. Bowing I bent forward. Immediately both feet shifted backwards. I was bewildered. Was Mother unwilling to accept my pranam? Was she annoyed with me?
The next instant Karna's resonant voice was heard: "Hastinapur's queen Krishnaa will pranam the charioteer's son, Karna, by touching his feet? This will be insulting Hastinapur. The five husbands too might be annoyed. Even without the pranam my blessings are with them."
I shrank back in shame. Mistaking it to be Mother's feet, I had gone to touch Karna's feet. Mother's and Karna's feet were so similar! Now I noticed that the four feet were truly absolutely identical. That day, noticing the similarity between Krishna and Arjun I had been misled. Here the difference was only that Mother's feet were a little smaller. But how did this happen?
I stretched my hands towards Mother and then pranam-ed Karna. Chheeh! Karna would have thought that using the excuse of pranam I had deliberately gone forward to touch his feet. How ashamed I felt!
Maya understood my feelings. "Your feet resemble mother's so much that misled by this the royal bride was going to touch them. It is a good thing that you moved back, otherwise touching the elder brother-in-law the royal bride would have incurred sin."
Karna burst out laughing. "Royal bride Krishnaa and sin! She is the ideal of womanhood in Aryavart. Further, it is in Satyayuga and Tretayuga that sin occurred on touching elder brothers-in-law. In Dvapar even marriage is taking place with the elder brother-in-law."
Karna's sarcasm pierced like an arrow. My heart began bleeding. I controlled the tears. To give importance to the sarcastic comments of such an arrogant and intolerant man would be shameful for the royal bride Krishnaa.
Turning away my face, I returned to my room and from within spoke to Mother so that she could hear, "It will be necessary to return by evening." Mother realised the time. Maya said, 'Truly, such similarity between Mother's feet and Karna's is amazing."
Mother said, "Perhaps in some birth Karna was my own son. Otherwise, how can this be!"
15
The inauguration of the assembly-hall was conducted with great pomp. Yudhishthir had greeted the guests seated on the throne in the assembly-hall. Everyone was amazed by its beauty and skilful architecture. In such a situation it was only natural for them to be envious. Having despatched the five Pandavs cunningly to undeveloped Khandavprasth, the Kauravs were rejoicing. But here, seeing the newly constructed Indraprasth and particularly the assembly-hall, they were burning with jealousy. Somehow if the Pandavs could be exiled, then they could enjoy Indraprasth.
Yes, I had myself cooked food for those hundred brothers and served them. I myself. For it was Mother's order. The Kauravs were my brothers-in-law. Therefore, it was my duty to honour them as members of my family. What objection could there be in this? Cooking and serving was a pleasurable activity. I enjoyed it. Therefore, with great care I prepared delectable sweet dishes. Maya and Nitambini too helped a lot.
The hundred Kauravs and five Pandavs sat down together. Balaram and Krishna, too, were with them. Mother had wished that Karna too would eat with them. But Karna was staying in the guest house as ruler of Ang. Mother had invited him for dinner at night. Karna had sent word that he would not like to interfere in anyone's family matters. The Kauravs and the Pandavs were staying together, eating together. This was good. It would increase their friendly relations. His coming might prove an obstacle to this.
Mother understood Karna's hurt pride. Karna had been accepted as her adopted son, but still he wanted this to be clear that he was not of the Kaurav-Pandav clan.
Mother had found out from aunt Radha what type of dishes Karna preferred and had got me to prepare them. I too, because of her love for Karna, had prepared food with great care. But Karna had politely declined even from attending. Mother was disappointed. Amid all the flow of festivities suddenly she became absent-minded. The woman's mind in me was filled with curiosity at Mother's love for Karna which appeared to be without reason. But how to satisfy this curiosity? Silently I went on obeying her.
A hundred and five brothers and Jayadrath, the husband of my only sister-in-law, Duhshala, were eating together. Maya, Nitambini and I were serving. All were praising my cooking and repeatedly asking for more. We became exhausted serving the dishes. They went on eating. Duhshasan caught hold of my hand with his soiled hands a couple of times. Considering the fact that he was my younger brother-in-law, I did not say anything.
When I went to serve kheer to Jayadrath, he smiled and said, "Bhabhi, if the food prepared by your hands is so tasty, how would you yourself be?" Duhshasan immediately added, "After returning from here, only burnt things will be available. The beauty we saw in the svayamvar is burning us up even now. Today we have witnessed the entire gamut of her qualities and the perfect housewife. It is as though in those flames oil has been poured!"
My body felt as if it were aflame. My face and looks changed. But, while serving food to guests it was not proper to give way to anger. I suppressed my anger and disgust. Yet my face became red. Jayadrath understood and began saying, "Bhabhi! Such jokes keep being cracked by husbands' brothers and husbands of sisters-in-law. You ought to have learned that in your father's home. If brothers-in-law do not joke with so lovely a sister-in-law as you, how will they live?"
I, too, pretended as if I was accepting all this as a jest. But the indecent hints lurking behind their words were in no way on the level of jest. I became grave. Duryodhan was repeatedly looking at me while eating. My breathing became deeper. As I served, he would look at me with regret and unsatiated lust and hiss and mutter, "tsk! tsk! tsk!".
I thought that like greeting a defeated enemy by garlanding him with flowers, inviting the Kauravs, who had returned disappointed from the svayamvar, to display my beauty before them would appear to them an insult. As it was, the Kauravs were ever intolerant and envious. To irritate them further had not been wise.
I did not know why my joy and good fortune were filling me with fear. My mind was getting hemmed in by anxiety. The body was tired and the mind full of fear. I needed rest. I was proceeding towards the bedroom when I saw Mother standing at the door of the kitchen. I turned that way. I had myself served her food. Mother said, "Now nothing more is needed." She forced me to go and rest. But had she finished eating so quickly?
I saw her food lying untouched. She was standing dejected, absent-minded. I asked, "Ma, what is the matter? You did not eat?" In a sad voice she said, "You too did not eat. How could I?" I was perplexed. "After resting for some time I would have eaten. After the cooks, servants and even the pets had been fed, I would have eaten. You know this." "But today you have work
ed so hard and are looking unwell. So, why not finish eating first? It is one's duty to look after the body's welfare." Embarrassed, I said, "Will you fast because of me today? Then come, I too will eat with you. Perhaps by this time everyone has eaten."
I served for both of us. Mother said softly, "Keeping guests unfed, the housewife does not even take a drink of water." I kept staring in amazement, "Which guest is still unfed? Everyone has been served." Mother said, "The ruler of Ang, Karna, is in the guest house still unfed. He was invited here today. There has been no arrangement for food for the night in the guest house. Should we finish eating and go to bed?"
I grew annoyed at Mother's words. She would fast because Karna had not eaten? I asked, "So?" In a steady voice Mother said, "It will be necessary to go to the guest house with food for Karna." "You will go?" I asked with a simple heart. Mother said, "After Yudhishthir's becoming the king of Indraprasth, you are in charge of the household. Karna is your guest, not mine. Looking after guests is your duty." "I shall go to the guest house?" I asked in surprise. In a grave voice mother said, "What is so surprising in this? Karna is not just a guest but is also your elder brother-in-law. Take along Maya and Nitambini too. Moreover, Karna is after all staying in the private guest house in the palace."
Hiding my unwillingness and irritation I said, "Just as you wish. I have no objection."
Eagerly Mother arranged everything. It was more than was necessary for one person. She began to explain to me, "The guest is God. If the guest is satisfied, God Himself is satisfied. If you do not go yourself, Karna will not accept food. You are in truth the ruler of the household. I know Karna. In every matter he seeks out dharma, duty, rule and law. If you go with the food, he will be pleased."
I thought, whether Karna was pleased or not, Mother would surely be glad and that was what I ought to do. The three of us arrived at the door of the guest house. In Maya's hands was the dish of food and in Nitambini's the vessel of water.
I kept waiting outside. Both of them went inside and sent word by the attendant that a message had come from Mother Kunti. Karna was getting ready to go to bed. He came out into the sitting room and asked, "What message so late at night?" "Food for the night has been sent for you," said Maya. Karna was taken aback and said, "The lunch was so heavy that there is no need for dinner. However, as Mother has sent it, I shall have to take a little."
"No, No, not a little. You must eat your fill. That is why Mother has sent us. Your favourite dishes have been made by queen Krishnaa on Mother's orders. Queen Krishnaa has herself come with the food. Mother's orders are that the guest must be served by the queen herself."
Karna became grave. He appeared somewhat sad. Hesitantly he said, "It is not proper for the queen to come to the guest house so late at night. Mother Kunti has been blinded by maternal love and has forgotten what is proper and what is not."
Quietly Maya said, "You are the Queen Mother's adopted son and the guest of honour of the palace, staying in the rooms where only the members of the royal family stay. Therefore, as she is in charge of the household, it is proper for Queen Krishnaa to take care of the guest."
Thoughtfully Karna said, "When the queen has herself brought the dish, it will be a crime to return it. But, I will have only fruits. Put the fruits down and take back the cooked dishes."
"Why only fruits? Is today any particular day of worship?" enquired Maya, surprised. Karna kept quiet. After a few moments he said, "Whatever anyone might think I want to say clearly that first I beg Queen Krishnaa's forgiveness. I am speaking only of the usual customs. It is the dharma of a woman to have only one husband. If the first husband dies, then in some circumstances there is sanction for a second husband. But at one time to share the beds of five husbands is not sanctioned anywhere. There is no instance of this in the past and will perhaps not occur in the future. Such a woman, despite being married, is considered a public woman. Even to touch water from her hands is to lose one's dharma. Look, in these matters I am very rigid and traditional, your queen, being Yajnaseni, despite marrying five husbands can be famed as chaste. But the ordinary woman in such circumstances is termed unchaste. How can I accept food cooked by her? In these matters I am extremely particular."
On the veranda of the guest house both my feet were frozen. So much insult, calumny, slander! I would not be able to answer back, for Karna was our guest and the guest was God. In anger and sorrow my entire being was shuddering, but the unperturbed body kept standing. Maya was saying, "Sir, you are insulting our queen. Because you could not win her, is this your reaction?" Karna grew pale. Laughing he said, "I am saying what is sanctioned by scriptures. I have heard the queen is learned and wise. Ask her whether my words are according to the scriptures or not. Actually, I do not wish to hurt anyone. But even if the truth is unpleasant, I have the habit of uttering it."
Sending the tray of fruits within, I returned. It seemed to me that this was the beginning of the insults I would have to suffer. I felt angry with Phalguni, with Mother, and most of all with Yudhishthir. My appetite was gone. Anguish and sadness brought tears to my eyes. I did not like weeping at the slightest excuse. Tears represented weakness. But sometimes even tears become companions of human beings when they are helpless. They reduce the burden of sorrow pressing on the heart. They wash away anguish and depression and help gather new strength.
I detested tears. But were tears under anyone's control? That was my state that day. Yet, Mother would have to be informed. I was standing in the veranda of her bedroom. "Ma! Karna only accepted fruits and returned all the food." "Why?" enquired Mother in pain. I said, "It was late at night and the afternoon repast had been heavy. So now he was not hungry. You had sent it, therefore he ate the fruits."
"Then for tomorrow morning you will have to prepare his favourite dishes. Now rest. Get up a little early in the morning."
Mother became so anxious for Karna that she even forgot to ask whether I had had my dinner or not. And she did not notice the tears in my eyes.
I was returning to the bedroom. I thought, in the morning, pretending to be unwell I would not get up. Otherwise, Karna would not take breakfast either. It would be a grave sin if the guest remained unfed. If I did not cook, Mother herself would and then Karna, after breakfast, would depart for his kingdom.
On reaching the bedroom I saw Phalguni coming. I was wanting to pour out on his broad, generous chest the burden of my helpless tears and ask, "Phalguni, why give me this punishment? For epochs this calumny will remain inscribed in the history of the world. Is Krishnaa responsible for this? Did Krishnaa want this? Then why should she bear the burden and pain of this insult?"
On seeing a sympathetic friend, the dams of the river of sorrow break. I sobbed. I stood like a stone statue at the door of the bedroom. Tears were glistening on my checks. Phalguni was about to pass me by with bowed head. Without even looking at me he said, "What do you want?"
The tear-drops fell. Suppressing my agony I said, "Phalguni, I am not well. My heart is heavy with sorrow." I thought that hearing this Phalguni would become anxious. But in a calm voice he said, "It is natural because of the day-long weary labour. I am informing Elder Brother. Rest." Glancing at me sideways, he returned towards the sitting room. It seemed as though he were reminding me of Karna's mockery, "Krishnaa! I am helpless. At this point of time late at night this first husband of yours can provide no help, for at this time you are in the role of Yudhishthir's wife and I am but a mere spectator."
I entered the bedroom. I ought to rest only after my husband had gone to bed. I kept sitting and waiting for Yudhishthir, but he would not understand my pain. He was a detached, unperturbed man. Worldly hurt, anger, hatred never touched his inner being. He was a god and therefore, in one sense, like stone.
My body wanted rest; my mind wanted consolation and patience. I had five husbands, but nothing was forthcoming from anyone.
Outside, Phalguni's feet were visible. They were looking as attractive as blue lotuses on the marble floor. They halte
d on the other side of the door. Phalguni might not enter the bedroom of Yudhishthir's wife, Krishnaa.
From outside Phalguni said, "Elder Brother is now seated with Duryodhan playing dice. This night he is winning every time. He will play all night. For, occasions to win come only rarely and when they do it is not wise to let go of them. Do not wait for him. Rest. Brother has sent this message."
Phalguni would not come inside, but I could go out. Removing the curtain, I came out, and stood in front of Phalguni. In a steady voice I said, "Phalguni, even after hearing of my not being well he will pass the night in the hall absorbed in the intoxication of victory? Will this not produce any reaction in my mind? I do not know why, this dice business scares me. Whatever be the addiction, it is dangerous. It is because of the obsession to give things away Bali was consigned to the nether regions. Duryodhan may not perhaps forget all his life the shame and insult of defeat at Yudhishthir's hands. I do not know what means of revenge he may seek secretly."
Carelessy Phalguni said, "Dicing is for pleasure, entertainment. What is the link between life and defeat and victory in a game? Women are suspicious by nature and habitually look at everything in a devious manner. That is why they suffer more."
I know the Pandavs. While they might blame a brother for something, they would not tolerate from the wife's mouth any complaint against a brother. Calmly I said, "Phalguni, till your brother arrives I shall not lie down. Come let us talk for some time. Let us talk of your sakha's philosophy of life. Why does your sakha devote so much of his energies to matters which concern others?"
Phalguni looked at me gravely. His blue-lake eyes were lookng bloodshot. Perhaps it was late at night or perhaps he had had a drop too much. In a grave voice he said: "Krishnaa! For two years I have to keep a vow. It is you who have laid this down. Then why this attempt to break the vow? Do you want that I should undergo a twelve-year exile in the forest?"