Yajnaseni: The Story of Draupadi

by Pratibha Ray

  My presence in the Pandav camp was absolutely necessary. For I was their wife, their inspiration. With victory marks placed on their foreheads by me, after looking upon my auspicious face, they would embark on battle every day. However, after this I would depart for the secure tents made for the stay of women. Therefore, without me the Pandavs would become powerless. In my subconscious mind pride was lurking. It was natural for any woman to have such pride. My husbands had more than one beautiful wife. My dearest husband, Arjun, had among his many wives the sister of sakha Krishna, Subhadra, too. But here no necessity had arisen for their presence. So I was the best among all these wives, incomparable in my chastity despite having married five husbands. My mind's pride was being reflected on my face.

  Laughing, sakha said, "Sakhi, I have been watching you since evening. You are looking most thrilled. Not a trace of fear or apprehension. Are you not terrified of war?"

  Proudly I said, "I am a kshatriya woman! Moreover, I have husbands. Is it improper to hold the belief that all will be well with my husbands? After all, it is faith that is the key to success..."

  Sakha's teeth gleamed in laughter. "So, is war inevitable tomorrow? Although I had given my word to drive Arjun's chariot in the Pandav camp, at the last moment I have backed out. They will not face any problem. What can they fear? Many heroes are on their side. Beside them is so inspiring, chaste and faithful a wife as Krishnaa!" No sooner had Krishna's words ended than terror and despair overcast the Pandav camp.

  The Pandavs were seated around Krishna. Downcast, Arjun said with folded hands, "Sakha! What is the fault of this unfortunate? Why such words of despair at the final moment? Even if you do not fight, still we have taken refuge with you. If you are not on our side, then where is there any question of war? Ultimately, we will be ridiculed. What is my fault?"

  In a deeply hurt tone sakha said, "You have no fault in this. The fault lies in my principles. I have ever remained on the side of dharma and truth. To destroy falsehood is my dharma. The pure heart is my station. But it seems to me that we who are preparing here for war have kept some secrets in our hearts. For the sake of truth I am ever cruel. Therefore, I shall be compelled to be cruel and return to Dvaraka tomorrow morning."

  With folded hands Yudhishthir said, "Vasudev! What pretence is this? What sort of friendship is it to desert the boat in midstream? What is it that you really want?"

  He was glancing at me sideways and laughing. Maya was giving him company in laughing too. When Maya laughs in this fashion I understand that fate itself is laughing. Maya's laughter is a veritable treasure-house of deception.

  In a grave voice Krishna said, "This is a dharma-battle. Therefore, before the war the mind shall have to be made open, clean, pure. Only then shall I be able to become Arjun's charioteer. Otherwise, give me leave."

  Bhim was irritated, "Enough! On such a petty matter you raised a veritable storm! Now we shall each of us frankly declare our secret weaknesses before everyone. I shall begin..."

  Krishna stopped him, "No, no. Not thus. Let it start from the eldest brother."

  Yudhishthir with downcast face said, "Even now I wish that this war did not take place. If a solution to the problem can be found without war even now, it will be acceptable to me. It is to avoid war that I staked my wife at dice and was prepared to lose. If we had not gone into exile then, the Kauravs would have tried to take Indraprasth by force. Despite having been born in the kshatriya clan, to detest war is the weakness of my character."

  Bhim straightforwardly announced, "As mine is the larger share in food, in enjoying Krishnaa too my portion should have been more. Because of this not happening, I get annoyed with Krishnaa and Krishna. Further, I tend to eat too much, therefore I am always thrust into the jaws of danger. Therefore, I feel reproachful towards my mother and brothers."

  With bowed head Arjun said, "For honouring Ma's words I combined with my brothers to marry Krishnaa jointly I feel agitated about this. I wish Krishnaa was mine alone! To think thus is the weakness of my character."

  Shyly, Nakul said, "Krishnaa is more beautiful than me, is flawless, therefore I feel envious of her. It would have been nice if she had been less attractive than me."

  Sahadev's voice was full of sadness, "My weakness is my ma. We feel proud of introducing ourselves as Kunti's sons. Kunti's maternal love is incomparable. But the name of the person who gave us birth, the wife of Pandu, Madri, will gradually be forgotten and someday it will vanish from the pages of history. Sometimes it is this that pains me. It is the duty of the son to keep the memory of his parents alive. Therefore, is this weakness of mine not natural?"

  Krishna's pure laughter was heard, "All of you have unhesitatingly spoken out the truth. Your faces are shining like mirrors. I am glad."

  "Then you have no objection to becoming the charioteer of Arjun, Vasudev?" asked Bhim. Smiling, Krishna looked at me and said, "How can I say as yet? Your beloved Draupadi is still silent."

  On my behalf Maya said, "Why are you dragging queen Krishnaa into this? She is a lady, do you not know that? Is there any account of what comes into a woman's mind and when? Can every thought be uttered in public? Moreover, will any wife be able to say anything before her husband?"

  Sakha laughed, "Maya, you interfere in every matter. Why do you become a barrier between Krishnaa and Krishna? Is Krishnaa an ordinary woman like my sister, Subhadra, or the other wives of the Pandavs? She is as chaste and faithful as she is beautiful and learned. The mind of the chaste woman is pure like the sunlight. On the mirror of the chaste wife's mind not even the shadow of any man other than her husband is reflected. Why should Krishnaa feel any hesitation in opening up her mind? Rather, that will enhance her glory and I too will be able to agree once again to remain in the Pandav camp."

  Caught in a dilemma I kept thinking in silence. How dangerous could Krishna prove to be when the time came! The great war would break out in the morning. My husbands were anxious and restless. At such a time should I frankly expose my mind? It would raise an unnecessary storm in their agitated minds. How would I send them to fight with agitated minds? I had no hesitation in declaring the weaknes of my mind. But Krishna's statement had to be answered cunningly. On the one hand Krishna's presence was essential; on the other, it was my duty to keep the minds of my husbands steady and calm. What a terrible quandary my dear sakha had placed me in!

  Laughing, Krishna said, "Sakhi, why are you keeping quiet? Is the weakness of your mind so very grave?"

  Affectionately I glanced at the pure faces of my husbands and said, "I have heard from Ma Kunti that Krishna is all-knowing. The hearts and minds of all are open to him. I have heard that he destroys pride. He does not permit anyone's pride to remain. So he has created this drama for destroying Krishnaa's pride. Krishnaa's mind is not hidden from Krishna. Even then if he wishes to hear it from my lips, I shall not hesitate."

  All were watching curiously. Maya was smiling. Krishna remained pretending ignorance like a simpleton.

  I said, "I have many weaknesses. For I am no goddess but a human being. If I begin to describe them one by one then the very hour of this great battle will pass by. Therefore, I am declaring only the chief weaknesses. The first weakness of my heart is my dear friend, Madhusudan! From the moment I was named, I used to feel that there was some subtle, unearthlly, unseen but unbreakable bond between Krishnaa and some miraculous person named Krishna. The name of that relationship is not known to me. If it is known, then Krishna will know it. The second weakness of my heart is the same as Ma Kunti's weakness."

  "What is that?" Krishna asked like an innocent child.

  Calmly I said, "It is Kunti's sons that are my second weakness. It is my failing that the sympathy of my heart cannot cross the sons of Kunti. Ma Kunti'e sorrow and weakness are her sons. It is because of her sons that she has suffered all her life. With Ma's grief I mingle my own sorrow. I am attracted to all of them — from the eldest son of Kunti to the youngest. What woman will not, after all, feel a weakness
for a moment towards tremendous manhood! But in that weakness there is no touch of fickleness, hope or desire — this is well known to Krishna."

  "My third weakness is the third Pandav, Arjun! He is valiant and gentle, therefore the entire responsibility of the Pandav family falls on his shoulders. The other four share his glory. Because of this at times I get annoyed. When the burden of getting divine weapons fell on Arjun, I wondered, like any ordinary woman, why that responsibility was not divided by the five Pandavs among themselves. What sort of justice was it that the efforts of one would be enjoyed by four? However, this was my meanness. I have made an offering of my life to keep the five Pandavs bound together, yet blinded by love for Arjun I thought of sowing dissension among them. Although the next moment, full of remorse, cleansing myself of the meanness, I would curse myself."

  Exposing my weaknesses before my husbands my eyes filled with tears. I saw that my dearest Arjun's eyes were also moist. I felt blessed having exposed my weaknesses. Silently, in my heart of hearts, I was expressing gratitude to Krishna.

  With an affectionate glance Krishna said, "Glory to you, Krishnaa! In using words you have surpassed even Krishna! By saying that you are attracted to all Kunti's sons, from the eldest to the youngest, you have opened up your pure heart. Some day after the war I shall explain this statement further."

  Krishna was smiling gently. The Pandavs too were content with my frank admission.

  Suddenly I said, "Is most respected Krishna devoted only to seeking out the weaknesses of everyone? Has he no weakness of his own? He should also purify his heart today in this sacred hour today before the battle."

  Clapping his hands, Bhim laughed out aloud, "It is only Krishnaa who has the ability to compel Krishna. Speak, child Krishna, what is your weakness?"

  Krishna was embarrassed. In that state he said, "My weakness is spread throughout earth, the heavens and the nether regions, everywhere. Playing with the infinite universe is my weakness. Whoever loves me most, I harass him the most. He whom I love, I throw into danger. He who imagines, 'Krishna is mine' — I become an illusion to him. He who imagines, 'I am Krishna's', I become bound to him. That which I build, I also destroy. It is in this that I find delight."

  Folding both palms together, Bhim said, "Enough, enough, child Krishna! Listening to your list of weaknesses our minds have been crushed! For, we love you. It is you who constitute our world. Then, if you destroy that..."

  Yudhishthir pranam-ed Krishna.

  Round Krishna's head was an ineffable radiant halo! A supernal glow was radiating from him, seeing which all agitation and anxiety of mind and heart vanished.

  This was necessary for the Pandavs before the war.

  53

  Time was invincible, infinite. Eighteen days were so insignificant in it, so ordinary. Like the blinking of an eye, how swiftly was the horror of the eighteen-day war swept away in the current of time!

  That eighteen-day current of the time-ocean obliterated everything. Everything was destroyed. In the ocean of great Time, a small wave, the Battle of Kurukshetra, rose and disappeared. The war was over. Pitiful defeat on one side; terrifying victory on the other!

  Could victory be so terrible, awful, full of despair! An earth devoid of people. Friend and foe, wise and foolish, brave and cowardly, old and young, father, brother, teacher, friend, husband, son — all were licked up by the slavering tongue of war.

  Now with whom would the victory celebrations be held? Those who were loved most had been snatched away from me by the great Time. My father Drupad, brothers Shikhandi, Dhrishtadyumna and their sons, Virat and his sons, my dearest son, Abhimanyu, Kunti's supreme weakness, valiant Karna — hidden in the corner of my heart as a gentle emotion like a mole on the chest — innumerable subjects and soldiers, our sons Ghatotkach, Iravan and ultimately my own five dear-as-life-itself sons were all slain in the war. Sinless, delicate children even before blooming lay down to sleep in the battlefield to satisfy the blood-lust of battle-hungry blind men. Eleven armies of the Kauravs and seven of the Pandavs went to eternal sleep in the bloody river of the battlefield. Among the heroes, Kritavarma, Kripacharya, slayer of my sons, Ashvatthama, on the Kaurav side, and on the Pandav side the five Pandavs, Krishna and Satyaki remained alive at the end of the war.

  Joy and sorrow, hope and despair came and went at the blinking of an eye. On every day of the war excitement was at the peak. One moment news to rejoice in would arrive, the next would bring sorrowful tidings. I knew that dharma was wherever Krishna was. Where Krishna was that was where victory was. Victory was playing hide-and-seek with me. Still I knew that victory would be mine. Happiness, prosperity, honour, all would be mine. For, I was the wife of the virtuous Pandavs, the sister of Dhrishtadyumna, the mother of Abhimanyu and the sakhi of Krishna. Yet victory left one thus — stripped of everything!

  I had encouraged the Pandavs for war, but kingdom, wealth, prosperity were not my goals. To avenge the insult and punish the offenders were my only aims. I avenged the insult and the offender was also punished. But what did I get? That in a dharma-war the offender was punished, but the innocent did not suffer — where was this written?

  What was the fault of my darling Abhimanyu? He had taken birth with the beauty, qualities and heroism of Arjun. Therefore, I loved him too much. He knew that after entering the discus formation of the army there was no return. Still Yudhishthir despatched such an innocent boy to fight seven chariot-heroes? Before sending him, he did not even ask whether he knew the trick of coming out of the discus formation after breaking into it! Must always Arjun or his son move into the jaws of death? What was the substance of which Yudhishthir was made? As if he had nothing called a heart! Were virtuous people heartless?

  While living far from my sons in Virat's city, I had showered love on Uttar and Uttara as though on my son and daughter. I brought Uttara as my daughter-in-law with so many dreams of joy applied to her eyes like collyrium! Uttar and his brother were slain in battle. Teenaged Uttara was pregnant and in that condition she lost Abhimanyu. How could I bear any more? Subhadra had always been a believer in fate. She was simple. After the death of her only son she was struck dumb. Uttara became virtually insane. Arjun was overwhelmed with sorrow. Yudhishthir was silent, unperturbed!

  The hellish killing of Abhimanyu was paining me even more. As many as seven chariot-heroes jointly slew him! And the leader in this slaughter was Abhimanyu's eldest uncle, the son of Kunti, Karna!

  I broke down in the sorrow of Abhimanyu's death. I had then thought that perhaps this sorrow would be assuaged by the death of Karna. News of karna's death arrived. The chariot-wheel of Karna had got stuck in the mud. He had alighted to lift it when at the direction of Krishna my husband, Arjun, slew the unarmed Karna! Why did Arjun do this? The killing of Ma Kunti's eldest unarmed son took place on the field of dharma! karna's death could not lessen the agony of losing my son, Abhimanyu. Rather, the killing of Karna in that helpless condition doubled my sorrow.

  Making my heart stone, I had to bear the grief of karna's death. I had thought that it would be Duhshasan's death that would lighten my sorrow. Duhshasan died. At one time I used to be frantic in eagerness to bathe in Duhshasan's blood. Bhim kept his promise. With handfuls of wicked Duhshasan's hot blood he washed my unbound hair. My heart, burning with the insult, had been satisfied, but was not at peace.

  Every fibre of my open tresses was touched by that red, fresh, hot blood. Human blood flowed down my face and shoulders. Every strand of my hair stood up with the smell of fresh blood. It seemed as though all the delicacy of my self would be wiped out in a horrific delight.

  But instead of the heart's burning reducing, the leaping flames went on rising higher.

  At one time I had imagined that Duhshasan's blood would bring peace to my heart. Now it seemed that drinking blood only satisfied the beast. Anyone who has the slightest feeling of humanity in him cannot ever achieve peace by sporting with human blood. However much I might be immersed in revenge, I was a wom
an. How could I find peace through human blood? Rather a helplessness, disgust, detachment from life, profound remorse and sorrow overwhelmed me. Seeing the huge body of Bhim and Duhshasan's blood I had shivered to see the beast hidden in man. Even as red as this would have been my Abhimanyu's blood, the blood of my father, friends, brothers! The earth can never be satisfied drinking blood. For she is the mother, life-giver, bringer forth of heroes!

  Repeatedly the earth has been drenched with the blood of heroes because of man's narrow selfishness. Man's blood is shed on her breast. But does blind man ever appreciate her sorrow and pain? Bloodshed, horror, can never give peace to anyone, can never quench the agony of anyone. Now it was this that the bathing in Duhshasan's blood was telling me. Bhim brought another handful of blood to pour on my hair — I shrieked out, ''Enough, enough! Let me live. Take me to some other earth! O my lord! I cannot bear this! In Duhshasan's blood I can smell the blood of Abhimanyu. It seems that the blood of all human beings in the world carries the same, identical smell. Do not make me an ogress..." I fainted.

  When I regained consciousness, I was in the camp. Someone was seated by my head. I felt a tender touch on my forehead. Tears were falling drop by drop. The smell of blood was still overpowering me.

  I heard the voice of sakha. He was saying, "Sakhi, compose yourself! The punishing of Duhshasan, the destruction of injustice, is the law of great Time. By the death of wicked persons like Duhshasan the earth will become sinless. Once again dharma will be established on earth. This is the goal of my life and yours. It is at my command that great Time is going on destroying the wicked. It does not befit so intelligent a woman as you to lose your composure in this fashion."

  I broke down and was in tears. I said, "Sakha, where is my son, Abhimanyu? What sin had he committed? Why did great Time snatch him away? What sin will the world be free from by his death?"

  Sighing deeply, Krishna said, "Sakhi! This is truly the terrible consequence of war. For the welfare of the world in the course of destroying the wicked, even saints and sages have to make sacrifices. For the sake of the world's welfare individual interest has to be renounced. The individual has to lay down his life. In the cause of the world's welfare, Abhimanyu has sacrificed his life. By dying a valiant death he has gained heaven. In the history of the world the name of Abhimanyu will shine for ever."