The Memory Game

by Sant, Sharon

  He grabs for her hair again and she squeals as he pulls her up to stand. ‘I’ll teach you to show me up,’ he says bending down and looking her square in the eye. ‘Of all the stupid, stupid tricks…’

  ‘No, Dad… please, I didn’t mean anything by it… it was a mistake…’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ he drags her down the hallway, still gripping her by the hair, ‘it was a mistake alright.’

  Her feet scuff the floor; she’s barely touching it as he pulls her along to the kitchen. All I can do is watch and try to fight the suffocating panic that’s stopping me from thinking properly. If I lose Bethany, I lose more than just her – I lose my only link to this world and the thought terrifies me.

  Bethany’s dad slings her through the kitchen doorway by her hair. She squeals as she skids across the floor. I look at him. There’s so much anger in his eyes, but it’s not like someone normal gets angry, it’s like he’s not really himself anymore, he’s just this unthinking heap of rage. He could kill her, I’m sure, without even knowing he was doing it.

  Something suddenly clicks into place.

  ‘This is what happened to your mum, isn’t it?’ I say to Bethany. ‘And when she died you took her place, you started to get the beatings instead.’

  Bethany scrambles to her feet. ‘No,’ she whispers.

  ‘You can’t keep protecting him. You need to get out and go somewhere safe, somewhere where he can’t hurt you anymore.’

  She shakes her head uncertainly.

  ‘He killed your mum! And he’ll do the same to you!’

  ‘He didn’t mean to,’ she says.

  ‘It doesn’t matter! Dead is dead, Beth, whether he meant it or not. Just look at him, he doesn’t care!’

  She looks at me and frowns, like she’s working out some complicated puzzle. She’s about to say something when her dad starts towards her with his hand raised again. As she backs away, her bare foot catches a shard of china. She winces and draws her foot up and the action knocks her off balance, sending her crashing down. The side of her head hits the table as she falls to the floor and then she is still. Her dad stares at her as she lies on the grubby tiles and the fog seems to clear from his eyes.

  ‘Bethany?’ He stoops down and lifts her head to lean on his arm, patting her cheek gently. ‘Wake up, Beth. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’

  Her head lolls to one side and he gently turns her face to him.

  ‘Oh God, not again. Beth, please…’

  She begins to groan and her eyes slowly open. It takes a second for her to focus and then she pushes herself up and scoots backwards across the floor, away from him. She hits the wall and pulls her knees to her chest, watching him carefully. ‘I know you killed Mum,’ she says quietly.

  His mouth drops open. ‘It was an accident, you know it was.’

  She shakes her head. ‘You’re going to kill me too.’

  ‘Bethany, I would never…’ He’s still on his knees. He makes a move towards her and she backs along the wall, squeezing herself into a corner.

  ‘Get away from me!’ she cries.

  I move to the doorway and hold out my hand. ‘Come on, Beth, get out now while he’s calm.’

  She just pulls her knees in tighter. She looks at me and then back at him. I glance across at him; he has his face in his hands now. Then he looks up at her and his cheeks are wet. He lumbers to his feet and holds out his arms to her.

  ‘Bethany, I’m so sorry…’

  Her eyes widen and she squeals as she leaps up and bolts for the doorway. I can hear him calling after her but he doesn’t give chase. We tear along the hall together and she yanks open the front door and runs out into the snow.

  Bethany sits on the wall at the churchyard hugging herself. She’s only wearing a thin jumper and her feet are bare. There’s a huge gash along the edge of one of them and there’s a bruise spreading across her cheekbone. I suppose there must be loads of other bruises, under her clothes. At least her mouth has stopped bleeding now. The church is quiet and dark again now; the carol service must have ended ages ago and everyone will be safe and warm in their homes. The graves are buried under a blanket of white, the snow still falling heavily and muffling the sounds around us.

  ‘You can’t stay out like this,’ I say to her for what seems like the hundredth time. ‘You’ll freeze to death. Go and see my mum, she’ll help you.’

  Bethany shakes her head forcefully.

  ‘Maybe your dad has calmed down now? You could go back home?’

  ‘I can’t. I can’t ever go back.’ She’s not crying now but her voice has a defeated weariness to it that’s almost worse. ‘You said he’d kill me.’

  I did and I really believed it. But now I’m wondering whether sitting out here in this snow this will be the thing that kills her quicker. ‘What are you going to do, then?’

  She shrugs.

  ‘You’re really cold now?’

  ‘A bit,’ she says. ‘I don’t feel so good either.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  She squeezes her eyes shut and then opens them again to look at me. ‘My head feels funny, it keeps spinning. And I have a headache coming.’

  I feel that panic bubble up inside me again. I need to keep her safe but I don’t know what to do for her. She must have hit her head harder than it looked.

  ‘You have to get out of the snow.’ I scan the landscape. ‘The church might be unlocked. You could shelter in there for a bit.’

  She drops unsteadily from the wall and wobbles for a second before we start walking slowly towards the doors of the church. Her footsteps make no sound and hardly dent the snow. Seeing it unnerves me; it’s like she’s halfway dead already.

  ‘You’re ok?’ I ask. She’s not ok, but I don’t know what else to say.

  ‘My head really hurts,’ she says. ‘I feel like it’s a balloon being pumped up.’

  We stop in the porch and Bethany pulls at the iron door handle but the door doesn’t open.

  ‘Try again,’ I say. ‘It must be open, churches are supposed to be open all the time in case you want to pray.’

  She yanks it harder but it stays shut. ‘No praying today,’ she says.

  I try to bite back the frustration that’s building. I wish I could try the handle myself because I’m positive it wouldn’t be locked. Looking at Bethany as she slides down the door to sit against it, I’m pretty sure that she can’t open it because she’s just too weak. But it seems pointless asking her again and at least the porch is some shelter from the snow. She closes her eyes and holds her head.

  ‘It’s worse?’ I ask.

  ‘About the same.’

  ‘Maybe you’ll feel better if you sit here for a while?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  Leaning over to her side she’s suddenly sick. She wipes her mouth, not even noticing the steaming puddle by her side, leans back on the door and closes her eyes.

  ‘You can’t go to sleep, Beth.’ I don’t know much about first aid, but I’m pretty sure that’s a bad thing to do when you’ve had a knock on the head. Her eyes don’t open and she doesn’t answer me. ‘Beth!’ I shout. ‘Don’t go to sleep!’

  ‘I’m not,’ she murmurs with her eyes still closed.

  ‘Open your eyes.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Yes, you can. Open your eyes.’

  ‘It’s dark. What’s the point?’

  ‘It’s not that dark, Beth. There are lights, on the Christmas tree. Open your eyes and tell me what you see.’

  ‘Everything’s spinning too much. It makes me feel sick.’

  ‘You need to go to the hospital.’

  ‘Who will take me?’

  ‘We’ll walk to a phone box. You can call an ambulance.’

  She screws her eyes tight, as though she suddenly has a flare of pain. ‘It’s too far,’ she says through gritted teeth. Then her face relaxes again and she tilts her head back against the door.

  ‘Beth… Beth… you’re not going to sleep, are you?�
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  ‘Just for a while.’

  ‘No, you can’t!’ I think about ways of keeping her awake. ‘Play the memory game with me.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Tell me about hot chocolate and being wrapped in a big blanket.’

  ‘I’m too cold to remember what being warm is like.’

  I see that she’s shivering worse than ever. Her head has started to drop to one side.

  ‘You have to get up, Beth. You can’t stay here; you need to walk around, get help. Please, go and see my mum, she’ll sort you out.’

  ‘She hates me.’

  ‘She’ll still help.’

  Bethany says nothing.

  ‘Please, please…’ My voice is strangled in my throat. ‘It’s not that far and she will help you.’

  Bethany shakes her head slightly and then screws her face into a pained frown.

  ‘Your head is worse?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispers.

  ‘Ok,’ I say, trying to stay calm. ‘If you won’t see my mum then how about Raven? She’s nice, she’d help you.’

  ‘I would like some headache tablets,’ Bethany’s words suddenly sound a bit slurred. ‘And maybe some green tea… yeah, that would be nice.’

  ‘Come on, then. Let’s go.’

  Holding onto the doorframe she drags herself up and then falls onto all fours. Slowly but painfully, she stands again.

  ‘You can do this,’ I say. ‘Just concentrate, one step at a time, yeah?’

  ‘You’ll help me?’

  ‘I’ll be here all the time.’

  She clutches at me and falls against the wall.

  ‘Beth!’

  ‘Where did you go?’ she asks, staring at me. Something in her eyes isn’t right, like she can’t understand who I am.

  ‘You can’t hold onto me.’

  ‘But you said you’d help.’

  ‘You have to walk on your own. I’ll be right beside you… ok?’

  She doesn’t answer straightaway and looks as though she’s trying to figure me out. Then she says, ‘ok.’ She looks down at her feet. ‘Where are my shoes?’ she asks.

  ‘You ran out without them, remember?’

  ‘Did I?’

  ‘Come on, you need to walk. Raven’s house is a long way.’ I wonder whether I can guide her to mine instead. It’s closer and if she’s this confused she might not notice.

  Her steps are so wobbly and slow that I feel my frustration start to build again but I have to stay calm. ‘That’s it,’ I tell her. ‘Just keep walking.’

  We make our way down the path. At least, I think it’s the path – I can’t really tell now. Bethany sinks into the snow, ankle deep with every step. She’s shivering but she doesn’t even try to hug herself for warmth now. Her head is all over the place, like her neck can’t support it properly, and her eyes keep closing from time to time, but she keeps walking like I tell her to. Raven’s house is about fifteen minutes away if you can walk normally, but God knows how long it’s going to take us to get there.

  As we walk, Bethany seems to wake up a little.

  ‘What am I going to say to Raven when we get there?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘I can’t tell her that my dad hit me.’

  ‘Why not? He deserves to go to prison.’

  ‘Not that,’ she says, her voice wobbling. ‘And if he did, what would I do?’

  ‘You’d be safe.’

  ‘I’d go into care. I’d have to leave the village.’

  ‘But I thought you wanted to leave the village?’

  ‘I did, but not like that,’ she says. ‘What about you? I wouldn’t be able to see you again.’

  I don’t answer. What she says makes me feel more alone than ever, but I can’t think about that now. ‘We’d think of something. Let’s just get to Raven’s.’

  She stops and turns to me. ‘I don’t think I should go.’

  ‘I don’t care what you think, we’re going.’

  ‘You can’t tell me what to do.’

  ‘Please… you promised me…’

  Then she clutches at her head and falls into the snow. I drop to my knees beside her. ‘Beth? Are you ok?’

  ‘No,’ she whimpers. ‘It hurts so much.’

  ‘Please… please… just try to get up. Just go to Raven’s house and she’ll be able to help.’

  But she doesn’t answer. I watch as she curls up into a ball and holds her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  ‘Beth…’ I shake away the despair that threatens to swallow me and shout at her in the harshest voice I can force out. ‘Beth, you need to get up.’

  She lies on the ground, crying and holding her head.

  ‘BETH!’

  Then she looks up at me and the cloud of pain seems to clear from her face.

  ‘Come on…’ I hold out my hand. As she reaches for it I step back and back, Beth grabbing for me until she’s on her feet again.

  ‘You can walk?’ I ask.

  ‘I think so.’

  We have to pass by Matt’s house to get to Raven’s. As we round the corner of his street, I see him having a snowball fight with Paulie. Ingrid sits on his garden wall hugging herself. She has a woolly hat pulled tight over her head but she looks freezing. Matt and Paulie are laughing their heads off as they mess around but she’s just watching them with a frown. She looks up as she sees Bethany approach but doesn’t say anything. Matt and Paulie see her too. They stand and say nothing, but as soon as she passes them, a snowball hits her in the back and then they break into laughter, another volley of snowballs following quickly after. Some of them hit Bethany, and some just sail past her to disappear in the snow ahead.

  ‘Don’t look round,’ I say to Bethany. ‘Just keep walking.’

  Bethany keeps her face fixed forwards and concentrates on putting one foot in front of the other.

  ‘Let’s give her the white death!’ Matt shouts.

  ‘Leave it,’ Ingrid says.

  ‘What?’ Matt says.

  ‘I said leave her alone.’

  Matt doesn’t reply. I look back to see what they’re doing, but he and Paulie just look at each other, and then laugh. Not at Beth, though, but at Ingrid.

  ‘Shut it, Matt,’ Ingrid says in a bored voice. She leaps from the wall and trudges after Bethany.

  ‘Hey, are you ok?’ Ingrid asks as she catches up, glancing at Bethany’s bare feet.

  Bethany looks up at her. ‘Hey.’

  ‘Are you ok?’ Ingrid asks her again.

  ‘Yeah,’ Bethany says. ‘I’m going to Raven’s house.’

  ‘But… you have no shoes on.’

  ‘Oh,’ Bethany looks confused. ‘I left them at home. David told me to.’

  ‘David?’

  ‘You know, David Cottle. He’s at our school.’

  ‘I know who he is,’ Ingrid says, frowning, ‘you know he’s dead, right? You went to the funeral.’

  ‘I know,’ says Bethany, still walking.

  Ingrid throws an uncertain glance back at Matt and Paulie, who are watching her talk to Bethany with smirks on their stupid faces. ‘Don’t you think you should wear some shoes?’ she asks Bethany.

  ‘I left them at home,’ Bethany says.

  ‘Come on, Ingrid,’ I say, ‘open your eyes! You can see she’s not right!’

  Ingrid suddenly stops and shivers. She stares all around her.

  ‘You can hear me!’ I shout at Ingrid. ‘You can hear me! You have to help!’

  Ingrid shakes herself and catches up with Bethany. ‘Hey, are you sure you’re ok? Do you want me to take you home?’

  ‘I’m not going home,’ Bethany says, ‘I’m going to Raven’s. She has green tea and blankets.’

  Ingrid looks as though she might argue, just for a moment. Then she stops following Bethany and turns to walk back.

  ‘Ingrid, you stupid cow!’ I yell at her. ‘Please…’

  But Ingrid carries on walking back to Matt.

  ‘Ooooo
h,’ Matt says in a mocking voice, ‘is that your new best mate?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid. I just wondered why she didn’t have any shoes on.’

  ‘Because she’s a total freak,’ Paulie cuts in. ‘Everyone knows that.’

  ‘Ingrid likes her,’ Matt says.

  Ingrid stares hard at him. ‘You’re such a loser, do you know that?’

  ‘Come on, I was only joking,’ Matt says.

  ‘I’m sick of this, I’m going home.’ I see her turn back the way me and Beth have come, towards her house. Paulie looks at Matt, who shrugs, and then jogs after Ingrid, leaving Paulie to stand on his own in the middle of the snowy street.

  Bethany reaches for Raven’s doorbell. It takes her a few seconds to get a finger to it, like she’s drunk and can’t see it properly. Then she presses and waits, leaning her head against the door. Her legs are deep in the drift that has collected at Raven’s door and I can’t see her feet.

  When nobody answers, I tell her to ring again.

  ‘I don’t think she’s in,’ Bethany says. Her voice is small, like she’s completely exhausted.

  ‘She is,’ I say, ‘she has to be. Last time she didn’t answer straight away. Perhaps the doorbell doesn’t work properly. Press it again.’

  Bethany doesn’t reach for the bell, she just thuds a fist against the glass. It hardly makes a sound though.

  ‘You have to knock louder than that, she’ll never hear you.’

  Bethany slumps against the door and then grabs at her head again.

  ‘Your headache’s back?’ I ask.

  She doesn’t reply, she just crams her head between her knees and whimpers. If ever I needed to make Raven hear me, it’s now. I squeeze through the door and into the house.

  The hallway is in darkness. I make my way to the living room and the fireguard is up, ashes smouldering in the grate. I run upstairs. Two bedrooms, both empty. Not in the bathroom either.

  I push myself back out to Beth. ‘She’s not in! The stupid cow never goes anywhere but the one night we need her she’s not here!’ I grab at my hair and look around. There’s not a soul around but me and Bethany, who is still slumped up against Raven’s door. My mind races, thinking about where Raven could be.

  ‘Maybe she’s gone to see my mum. Maybe she heard me after all and she’s going to try and help her somehow. We need to go there.’