Friends With Multiple Benefits

by Luke Young

  She sighed. “That’s nice to hear, but I really want an opinion on the skirt.”

  “Oh, I just remembered that I promised to meet Brian down in the casino.” Rising to his feet, he grabbed the remote and clicked off the television. “Can I meet you downstairs?”

  “Oh, okay.”

  He rushed past her toward the door. “Text me when you’re ready.”

  Once outside the room, he pulled out his phone and headed toward the bank of elevators breathing a sigh of relief.

  About ten minutes later, Jim sat in the lobby with Brian, who was holding an impromptu continuation of his popular learning annex class on all things women and marriage. After being brought up to speed on his brother’s recent exchange with Victoria, Brian rolled his eyes. “You didn’t.”

  “I got out of there pretty quickly.” Jim shrugged. “I think I’m all right, though.”

  “I need to know exactly what you said.”

  “Um, I, uh… I can’t remember word for word. But I didn’t answer the question, that’s for sure.”

  “Look, you can never get away with not answering one of their questions. You can’t just run away. That’s like having a police detective accuse you of something and you just take off. You look guilty that way.”

  “Yeah, I get it.” Jim nodded. “But she blindsided me. We’d just had sex so, of course, I wasn’t thinking clearly. You know, all the blood hadn’t returned to my brain quite yet.”

  “I understand.” Brian tapped his finger to his chin and shook his head. “But you need to be more careful.”

  “I will. I will. It all happened so fast. I complimented her and…”

  Victoria reached the lobby, sat on a plush sofa and pulled out her cell phone. As she clicked on her contact list, she heard Jim’s voice and turned to locate him. Spotting the ferns which sat on the half-wall ledge above the sofa, she peered through and located her husband and his brother sitting facing away from her on the other side. Jim said, “… I think the breast compliment might have saved me.”

  Brian said, “I don’t know, dude. You could still be in trouble. Navigating the tricky waters of dealing with irrational and hyper-emotional women is not something to be taken lightly.”

  Victoria covered her mouth to keep from gasping. Seeing Jillian heading her way, she motioned with one hand for her to come quickly then with the other put her finger to her lips.

  Jillian rushed over and whispered, “What’s going on?”

  Victoria shot her an angered look. After placing her finger again to her lips, she pointed at the plants. Jillian spread some branches apart and gazed through just as Brian said, “You see women are extremely irrational when it comes to any sort of body image question. I know it sounds impossible, but their rear end at pretty much the same moment can look both too big and too small.”

  “But I don’t get how that’s possible.”

  “Look, bro, if you try to understand them you’ll only want to put a gun to your head. There really is no point in trying.”

  Jillian’s jaw dropped and the two women shared a look. She rose to her feet and rushed around to the other side and Victoria was right behind her.

  Jim asked, “Okay, so what do I do if it happens again?”

  “What happens again?” Jillian’s gaze went to Jim then to her husband’s face.

  “Yeah, what do you do if what happens again?” Victoria asked.

  “Huh?” Brian’s eyes bugged out of his head.

  “What?” Jim asked.

  “What are you guys talking about?”

  “Um…” Brian looked around nervously. “Uh, blackjack.”

  “Blackjack?” Jillian gave him a look.

  “Yeah, he was asking me what you should do if you have seventeen and the dealer is showing a face card.”

  “Yep, that’s right.” Jim nodded quickly.

  “Uh-huh.” Victoria sat next to her man.

  “Everyone knows you don’t hit on seventeen no matter what the dealer is showing.” Jillian plopped down next to Brian and glared at him.

  “Um, that’s just how I…” he averted his eyes from hers, “… roll. I like to live dangerously.”

  “It seems like you are living dangerously,” Jillian said as she and Victoria shared a look.

  “I didn’t know you were playing blackjack,” Victoria said.

  “Just a few hands.” Jim chuckled nervously. “Yeah, it’s really the game where you have the best odds of winning.”

  Jillian ran her finger over Brian’s arm. “Do you know what game has the worst odds?”

  “Um, craps?” Brian shrugged.

  “No, that would be the game where a husband lies to his wife.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Jillian pointed to the ferns. “Look behind you.”

  Brian turned and spread the plants and peered to the other side. “Yeah.”

  “We were just sitting on the other side there and we heard the whole thing. What’s this about irrational women making you want to put a gun to your head?”

  “I think I’m sort of experiencing that emotion right now.” Brian held back a laugh.

  “Keep it up, funny boy.”

  “Geez, I was just kidding around.”

  “What’s so bad about being married, huh?”

  “Nothing. Marriage is great, but sometimes women can—”

  “Can what?” Jillian interrupted.

  “Women can what?” Victoria glared at him.

  “Can be… adorable,” Jim said sheepishly.

  “You probably should just shut your mouth right now.”

  “Sorry.”

  Brian lifted his hands. “Okay, you want to do this here?”

  “Yes.” Jillian folded her arms.

  “All right let’s put all the cards on the table.”

  “Go ahead.”

  Brian pointed at his wife. “So you tell me. You’re a guy and your wife is gazing at herself in the mirror and she asks, ‘Does my rear end look too big in this skirt?’ How the hell are you supposed to answer that question? Huh?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Well, Little Miss Perky Tits right here just put her brand new husband on the spot with that question. What the hell was he supposed to say?”

  “Um…”

  “Let’s look at the options,” Brian began. “You answer yes and she’s going to strangle you, right?”

  “Definitely.”

  “If you say no, you’re probably going to get a follow up accusation like, ‘Are you saying it looks too small then?’”

  “A woman would never do that.” Jillian shook her head.

  “I’m ninety-nine percent sure that we had that exact conversation last month and she…” Brian motioned to Miss Perky Tits, “… just did it a few minutes ago.”

  “Well, there is an answer to that question,” Jillian replied defensively.

  “Okay, and what’s that?” Brian looked at her waiting.

  “Um, you say…” Jillian paused a moment to think. She looked to Victoria with pleading eyes and got nothing, but a shrug in return. After a few seconds, she smiled. “You say, ‘No baby your rear end doesn’t look too big in that skirt it looks perfect.’”

  Brian’s frown melted away. “Hey, that’s pretty good. Can I use that?”

  “Be my guest.”

  Jim nodded along. “That is good.”

  “You see being married isn’t all that difficult,” Jillian said.

  “I guess.” Brian made a face and Jillian slapped his shoulder.

  “What?”

  “Knock it off or what stays in Vegas…” she raised an eyebrow, “… is going to be you.”

  “I’m only kidding,” Brian pleaded.

  “No you’re not.”

  “Okay, I’m half kidding. You’ve got to admit that women can sometimes be… what’s the word?” Brian looked to Jim.

  “Don’t freaking take me down with you, dude.”

  “I’ll say… har
d to read?”

  Jillian gave him a look. “I don’t have to admit anything.”

  “Okay…” Brian sighed. “I’m sorry. Let’s just go eat.”

  “I’m not sure I’m hungry anymore.”

  “Yeah, me neither.” Victoria folded her arms.

  “Look, how about I give you a rub later.” Brian put his hand on Jillian’s leg. “A good one.”

  “Well…” Jillian frowned. “Maybe.”

  Victoria glared at Jim, waiting. When he finally noticed, he said, “I’ll give you one too.”

  “Let’s eat.” Victoria rose to her feet. “I’m starving.”

  “Yeah, me too.” Jillian got up and the two friends headed toward the restaurant.

  Brian and Jim remained seated and shared an exasperated look. The elder Nash brother said, “It’s not us is it?”

  “I don’t think so,” Jim replied, unsure.

  They both got up and followed after their wives. Brian said, “Their moods change more often than Kim Kardashian posts selfies.”

  The brothers shared a knowing smile.

  4

  The next morning Brian was sleeping soundly when Jillian called out, “Hey, wake up.”

  “What?” He opened his eyes and discovered her taking off her bra.

  “What are you doing?” He yawned and rolled onto his side.

  “Guess what? I took a chance and stopped down at the spa. They had a cancelation and we can get that couples massage.” She stood before him completely nude with her hands on her hips. “Come on. Get up.”

  “You look cute.” Reaching a hand out to her, he gave her a smile. “Why don’t we just play masseuse right here?”

  She rolled her eyes then took off toward the bathroom. “Another time. I want a massage that lasts longer than five minutes and doesn’t end with me holding my panties between my thighs to catch what you like to call…” she made quote marks with her fingers, “… your little bonus.”

  “Hey, I thought you loved my little bonuses.” He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes.

  “Sometimes I do,” she called back from the bathroom then rushed into the room wearing the hotel’s fluffy white robe. “Aren’t you coming?”

  Grinning, he tore the covers off his body exposing his erection. “Not yet, but I could be.”

  She walked to him and shook her head. “You do look cute too, but I really want this massage.”

  He sighed. “Oh, all right.”

  “You need to shower here and wear the hotel robe up to the spa. Remember the spa’s on the fourteenth floor.” When she leaned down to give him a kiss, he slipped his hand into her robe and copped a feel. She put on a frown. “Hey, knock it off.”

  Pointing to his erection, he raised his eyebrows. “Look what you’re missing out on. He’s extra big this morning.”

  “Oh, it looks the same size all the time.” She headed for the door.

  He rose from the bed and turned to study his erection in the mirror. “You’re crazy. It is bigger today.”

  “Keep telling yourself that.” She turned back and sighed. “And hurry up. We’re already late. Just take a shower. Don’t spend too much time in any one area if you know what I mean.”

  “You know me so well.”

  “I’m serious.” She pointed at his groin.

  “Okay,” he whined.

  About five minutes later Brian toweled off after his non-interesting shower, slipped on the white hotel-issue robe and his flip-flops and headed for the elevator. He pressed the up button and when the doors finally opened the elevator was packed. A bellman with two cartloads of luggage standing next to a handful of guest all gave him that uncomfortable don’t-get-on-this-elevator semi-polite smile.

  “I’ll get the next one.” Brian waved them off and once the doors closed he pressed the button again.

  When an elevator on the opposite side opened up, it was filled with ten Brownies dressed in their adorable little outfits and matching hats along with two smiling middle-aged women. Brian waved them away. “I’ll get the next one.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. There’s always room for one more,” one of the women said as she corralled the children back a step.

  “Thank you.” He stepped onto the elevator. “I’ve been standing here for a while and my wife is waiting for me at the spa. She’s been anxious to do one of those couple’s massages.”

  “Oh, my Harold and I had one of those last year,” the other woman began. “They are just fabulous.”

  Brian returned a polite smile and pressed the button for the fourteenth floor. After re-securing the tie on his robe, he glanced uncomfortably to the crowd of young girls.

  One of the girls took a step in the packed car toward the panel and pressed the close door button. Brian backed up a bit to give her some room and just as the elevator doors closed, the bottom of his robe lodged in between the doors. The car ascended slowly and Brian felt the robe being pulled down. His eyes were as big as saucers as the robe kept moving and he was yanked down to his knees then on his backside as the car climbed.

  The girls and women looked on in horror as the robe slipped off his shoulders. He grabbed for it with both hands. Tipping over, he ended up lying on his side curled up in the fetal position just as the unmistakable sound of tearing cloth rang out through the car.

  One of the women grabbed four of the girls and covered their eyes with her forearms while the other woman looked on with keen interest.

  Fearing the worst, he instinctively brought his hands to cover up his groin, but instead of finding his naked junk, he discovered fluffy cotton. He breathed a sigh of relief and carefully made his way to his feet, keeping all his naughty parts covered with what was left of his torn robe. He gave them an apologetic look. “Sorry about that.”

  “Looks like you owe the hotel a new robe.” The engrossed woman flashed him a grin.

  Craning his neck, he checked out the back of his frayed robe and shook his head. “Wow, that was close.”

  “Not, close enough,” the woman muttered.

  Brian shot her an uneasy smile. When the elevator doors finally opened, he stepped out holding the back of the torn robe safely over his naked ass. Then he walked in small steps toward the reception desk.

  “Bye,” the woman called after him as she watched, tilting her head, and following him as the elevator doors closed.

  After being led to the massage room, Brian discovered Jillian laying on her back and getting her shoulders rubbed. Turning, he gave her a view of his torn robe.

  She winced. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” The masseuse held a sheet up as he slipped off the robe and climbed on the massage table.

  “Um, I would.” Jillian giggled. “Remember I know you so I realize that pretty much anything is possible.”

  “That’s true,” he replied as the masseuse rearranged the sheet over his lower body.

  “So, what happened to your robe?”

  “Oh, it got caught in the elevator doors.” He gave her an apologetic look. “I almost lost it. I mean, really lost it.”

  “How does something like that even happen?”

  “I don’t know. The elevator went up, the robe went down and the next thing I knew I was on the floor staring up to an entire horrified troupe of Brownies clutching the robe over my… my, you know…”

  “They didn’t see your…?” She shot him a horrified look.

  “Almost, but no.” He sighed. “Are you starting to see a pattern with me and these crazy situations?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “This one could have been bad. Real bad.”

  5

  After the spectacular massages and a day spent gambling and relaxing in the sun with their closest friends, the two couples enjoyed dinner together. Brian managed to make it the whole day without any additional close calls involving his naked body and strangers.

  Jillian had obtained the medical clearance from her doctor so the
next day the two couples hopped on a non-stop flight to Honolulu to attend her son’s hastily arranged small wedding. Thankfully, she only threw up once while in the air. Rob picked them up from the airport and as they drove, Rob said, “Dad is already here and he’s not alone.”

  “So he has a new girlfriend?” Jillian asked.

  “He says they’re engaged.”

  “Well, that’s great for him.”

  “She’s really gorgeous in a sort of… wait, how can I put this delicately? Um, in a slutty way.”

  “That’s putting it delicately?” Brian made a face.

  “She’s nice and everything, but she just dresses, you know…”

  “I’m sure she’s fine.” Jillian rolled her eyes.

  “You guys will meet her soon enough.” Rob turned onto a mountain road. “But don’t worry Dad is staying at a hotel. In fact, that’s where we’re having dinner. We have reservations at nine.”

  Rob pulled the car into the driveway of the three-bedroom house he was renting. It was about five miles from the coast just outside Honolulu.

  Jillian commented, “This is even prettier than the pictures.”

  That night, Rob, Bridget, Jillian, Brian, Victoria, and Jim were enjoying drinks at the restaurant. George and a short, good-looking woman approached the table each carrying a beer bottle and laughing loudly. She appeared to be in her late thirties. The woman’s enormous and obviously fake breasts were accentuated by her huge gaping cleavage and covered by a sheer top, which was nowhere near up to the task. Her bra was noticeably absent while her skirt was short and equally challenged at covering both her thighs and plump rear end.

  Brian’s eyes widened and he muttered, “Holy crap.”

  “What?” Jillian asked.

  “Oh, nothing.” Brian grabbed his drink and threw back a huge gulp.

  Rob stood. “Dad.”

  “Rob.” George tipped his bottle to his son.

  Brian and Jim stood as the woman moved around them toward the empty seats as Rob began, “Everyone this is Cherry.”

  “Hiya.” Cherry sat and smiled to the group.

  George leaned over to his ex-wife. “Jillian, how have you been?”

  “I’ve been good.”

  George sat at the table as Rob returned to his seat. “Cherry this is my mother Jillian and her husband…” Rob made a face. “God, it still feels weird to say that.”