Friends With Multiple Benefits

by Luke Young

  “That’s weird.”

  “Yeah, it’s weird and it’s like someone’s got a Brian doll and they keep tearing the clothes off of it and shoving pins into my body. I’m cursed.”

  “Oh, come on. I think you’re overreacting,” Jillian said.

  “Okay, how about last year at the hospital where Victoria’s lady doctor friend…” Brian glared at Victoria, “… told me she had to cut off my penis after you burned the hell out of it with a curling iron.”

  “Well, that…” Jillian lifted a palm in the air.

  “Then there was that time I went to surprise you at your vacation house and I ended up really, really surprising Rob instead.”

  The three listened intently while wearing shell-shocked looks.

  “And there are probably some other ones that I’m forgetting about right now,” Brian said defensively before tipping back his glass and emptying it. “I really need a refill.”

  Jillian brought over the bottle and whispered, “Sorry about the curling iron thing.”

  He waved her concern away with his hand. “And I didn’t tell you guys when we were in Vegas I was this close…” Brian held his thumb and forefinger an inch apart, “… to showing an elevator full of young Brownies my penis.”

  “That’s just about what they would have seen too.” Jim held back a smile. “About an inch.”

  “Words hurt you know,” Brian somehow said in a serious tone.

  “Sorry dude.”

  “Wait, why the hell are you flashing the Brownies on the elevator?” Victoria asked. “That’s the kind of thing that can get you in some serious trouble.”

  “I wasn’t trying to flash them,” he replied in an exhausted tone. “I was only wearing a robe and heading up for my couples massage when my robe somehow got caught in the elevator door. When we went up, my robe went down and I barely held on to it before a piece was ripped off.”

  “Wow.” Victoria covered her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

  “Only you bro.” Jim shook his head.

  “I know, right. If it hadn’t ripped, I probably would still be in jail right now.”

  “Probably.” Jillian nodded in agreement.

  “And I already know my emergency shorts work because after I was car-jacked and had my clothes stolen I slipped a pair of these bad boys on.” He wore an arrogant grin.

  “Oh my God.” Jillian’s eyes widened. “I knew these looked familiar. You were wearing these when I picked you up from the police station.”

  “Yep.”

  Jillian shook her head, confused. “So how are emergency shorts in the backyard going to help you avoid these situations?”

  “Well…” He put on a smile. “They might not, but I’ve hidden emergency shorts in the car, inside the club, outside the club, and in various other places where I might need them.”

  The three looked at him like he was out of his freaking mind.

  “Okay, but…” Jillian lifted her palms, “… why were you being all sneaky outside about where you were hiding them?”

  He raised his eyebrows and replied in a sarcastic tone, “Do I really need to tell you why?”

  “Um, I think you do or I might be calling my lawyer.”

  “Okay…” He sighed. “Who sabotaged my last set of emergency clothes that I hid in the backyard? Who?”

  “Um, I did,” Jillian replied sheepishly.

  “It was my idea,” Victoria added cheerily.

  “Yeah, it was her idea,” Jillian agreed.

  “Oh, I know you both were involved and that’s why I don’t want either of you to know where any of my emergency shorts are hidden.”

  “What about me?” Jim asked.

  “Oh, I can tell you.”

  Jim scoffed. “I’m just messing with you, loser. I don’t give a crap about where your shorts are hidden. This is idiotic.”

  “Fine.” Brian took a sip from his champagne glass. “I think it’s pretty un-idiotic. It’s like almost genius.”

  “Okay…” Jillian held back a smile. “I don’t understand how this protects you from a possible naked in public incident.”

  “Well, let’s say I’m in the shower at the club and an alligator somehow gets loose in the locker room and is blocking my way back to my locker where my clothes are. And my only way out is the emergency exit. I have a pair hidden above the exit sign.”

  “But don’t you also have your towel?” Jim made a face.

  “But…” Brian paused a moment then continued, “But what if the alligator steals my towel then what?”

  “Then you’re an idiot…” Jim shot Victoria a bug-eyed look.

  “Or… or… what if I’m skinny dipping with my beautiful wife in our pool and let’s say someone…” he shot a couple quick nods toward Jillian, “… locks us out for the, I don’t know, fourth time, then what do I do? I’ll tell you… I grab my emergency shorts from their secret hiding place.”

  “Have you been smoking Victoria’s pot again?” Jillian asked.

  “No. No, I haven’t.”

  “First…” Jillian ran her hands over her growing belly. “I think our days of skinny dipping together are over and second, I installed that push button lock on the side door in case we ever get locked out again, remember.”

  “Yeah…” he replied skeptically. “But. But. But… what if you change the code then pretend you can’t remember it so you can get me to once again walk naked to Victoria’s house to play some mean trick on me.”

  “Oh, honey.” Jillian walked over wearing a caring expression and patted him on the shoulder. “I think it’s time for some medication for you.”

  “I’m not crazy. I’m really not.” Brian scanned the faces of the three giving him sympathetic looks. “And maybe if I am crazy, it’s because of all you guys playing jokes on me and all that other bad luck stuff.”

  “That’s right, it’s all our faults,” Jillian said in a soothing, condescending voice. She moved behind him and rubbed his shoulders. “It’s okay. You should just relax.” She mouthed to Victoria and Jim with her eyes wide, he’s crazy.

  “And I’m also working on a super thin pair of emergency shorts which will fit right inside a standard wallet.” Brian craned his neck up to look at his wife. “I’ve run into a couple logistical issues, but I’m close to working those out.”

  Jillian humored him with a smile. “That sounds, um, really great.”

  “Wow, you should totally go on Shark Tank with that.” Jim surreptitiously nudged Victoria with his elbow.

  “Yes, um, that sounds like a great idea,” Victoria said while maintaining a straight face.

  “Wow, I never thought I could make money on it.” Brian looked away pondering the possibilities. “But yeah, that’s a great idea… Shark Tan—”

  “Okay…” Jillian interrupted him. “I think that’s, um—”

  “It’s getting late.” Victoria shot her husband a wide-eyed, get-me-out-of-here look. “I think we should go.”

  “Yes, well, um, thanks for stopping by,” Jillian announced loudly as she rushed her guests toward the front door. She whispered, “Sorry, but he’s been under a lot of stress lately.”

  “I’ll send you the name of a good psychiatrist,” Victoria whispered.

  “Okay, thanks.”

  18

  After a couple pills, which led to some restful sleep, Brian seemed like he was almost back to normal. His mood was also helped when, days later, his emergency shorts were safely in all their hiding places. Jillian’s pregnancy was also progressing normally and with Jim taking on more of a load at work, the expectant father could attend more to his wife’s needs and attend all her medical visits. Heading out to their twenty-four week sonogram check, the couple climbed into the car looking forward to getting some clue as to the sex of their babies. Jillian was hoping for a set of twin girls while her husband was going completely the other way with it. He was pulling for a wide receiver and a cornerback so that amateur quarterback Brian could one day be
running plays in the backyard. He was dying to show his little boys his down out and up play. During intramural football in college, he found that it never missed.

  Publicly they were both claiming to want one of each. During her sonogram a month earlier, the technician said she could not tell if the babies were boys or girls. This time, however, the technician was optimistic as she slid the wand over Jillian’s rotund belly, which was covered in gel. The couple watched the screen with keen interest as the ‘wamp wamp’ sound of the equipment echoed throughout the room.

  Brian grabbed her hand and a fuzzy image of the babies came into view on the monitor as the technician said, “Okay, here is baby A.” She slid the wand over and down then said. “And here is baby B.”

  “A and B.” Brian chuckled. “We should consider those as names.”

  Jillian rolled her eyes.

  “Okay, I think…” The technician’s eyes bugged out. “Wow, yep there is no doubt about it.” She pointed to the screen. “This happens sometimes.”

  “What’s that?” Jillian asked.

  “Baby B is a boy and he just happens to be a boy with an erection at the moment.”

  “An erection?” Jillian chuckled. “Does that happen?”

  “It’s not unusual.” The technician gave Brian a smile. “And I must say Dad, it’s a rather impressive one.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And now for baby A.” The technician slid the wand over and moved closer to the screen squinting. “Wow, and this almost never happens.”

  “What?” Jillian asked.

  “Baby A is definitely a boy and he just happens to be in a similar state as baby B.”

  “They’ve both, um…”

  “Yep.”

  “I’m not surprised.” Jillian sighed.

  Brian beamed. “They are my boys. I’m constantly in that condition.”

  “He really is.”

  The technician chuckled. “Well, that’s generally what brings couples in.”

  The three shared a laugh as the technician captured images of the obviously excited babies.

  19

  In late January, Victoria had all the women over to her house for Jillian’s baby shower. At thirty weeks pregnant, the expectant mother was enormous and trying to stay off her feet as much as possible. She was in great health and the babies were progressing normally. She had gained almost fifty pounds and her petite frame was taking quite a beating from the little guys. Her breasts were huge and she was carrying a lot of extra weight in her rear end. Brian seemed to not mind it at all.

  Victoria’s living room was decorated all in baby blue and the party for the eighteen women was being catered from a great restaurant nearby. With Jillian out of the house, Brian had Jim help him move one her gifts into the professionally decorated babies’ room. He was looking forward to giving it to her when she returned home and he was planning another special gift for her on the day she delivered the twins. The brothers headed down to the great room to watch a football playoff game just as the girls were opening gifts two blocks away.

  Sitting in the chair of honor, Jillian unwrapped an expertly decorated box containing matching boys’ onesies. She held them up. “These are adorable.”

  “Do you have names picked out yet?” a woman asked.

  “We’ve narrowed it down to six. I like Logan and Hunter, but Brian doesn’t like them. He says they are soap opera names.”

  “Oh, I like those. Are they still in the running?”

  “What do you think?” Jillian put on an evil grin and ran her hands over her big belly. “Hey, if I’m the one going through all this, he doesn’t get veto power.”

  “That’s right.” Victoria smiled. “What are Brian’s choices?”

  “He likes Steven and John and my other choices are Austin and Harrison.”

  Victoria’s eyes brightened. “Oh, wow, I once had a threesome and one of the guy’s names was Steve and the other guy was Austin.”

  “That’s nice.” Jillian made a face.

  Victoria said, “And I was trying to get both their penises in my mouth at the same time.”

  Most of the women shook their heads in disbelief and Jillian began, “Please don’t tell us any—”

  “I probably could have pulled it off if Austin wasn’t so thick.” Victoria nodded then her smile morphed into a confused frown. “Or was it Steve who was thick?”

  “Okay!” Jillian returned a distasteful look. “So that narrows my list down significantly.”

  The women shared a chuckle until Victoria called out, “Don’t take them off your list on my account.”

  “No, I really have to now.” Jillian rolled her eyes. “Can we please not talk about penis size during my shower?”

  “Well, then you better not show them the sonogram pictures.” Victoria flashed the ladies a grin.

  “What are you talking about,” one of the women asked.

  “Where are the pictures?” Victoria motioned for Jillian to hand them over.

  “They’re at home.” Jillian sighed. “Someone please hand me another present, please.”

  “Come on tell them.” Victoria put her hands on her hips. “Or I will.”

  “I knew I should never have told you about that. You love talking about penises so go ahead and tell them.”

  Victoria announced, “Well, much like their father, the two babies growing in Jillian’s belly had giant boners during her last sonogram.”

  Jillian frowned as the women all shared a chuckle. When order was finally restored, Jillian said, “First of all the technician told us that it was perfectly normal and secondly I prefer the term erection.”

  “Potato, Po-tah-to.” Victoria took a sip from her wine glass. “Either way they are one hundred percent boy.”

  “Maybe one hundred ten percent,” one of the women shouted out and the women roared with laughter.

  When the room finally quieted a bit, Jillian announced, “Okay ladies this is starting to feel a lot more like a bachelorette party than a shower. I’m wondering when the stripper is going to pop out of your bedroom.”

  “Damn, I should have thought of that.” Victoria made a face.

  “It’s a good thing you didn’t get one with the size of that belly, too much excitement and she might break her water,” another of the guests said.

  The party continued on for the next three hours and Jillian received many wonderful gifts. Afterward, Brian made two trips home transporting the items then drove his wife home. Once inside the door he rubbed his hands together and smiled. “Okay, are you ready for my present?”

  “Yes, where is it?”

  “Upstairs.” He bounced on his heels. “I’ve had them hidden from you for a couple weeks and it’s been killing me.”

  She chuckled. “I know you can’t wait to give me a present once you buy it.”

  “I admit that I have a problem.” He took her hand and led her to the stairs. “Do you need help?”

  “No, I’ve been sitting down all day. I could use a little exercise.”

  “Good, because I’d rather be behind you anyway. I can be there in case you fall and I get to look at your ass while you go up.”

  Turning to him, she grinned. “Aren’t you cute? I feel like doing you.”

  “Maybe later. If I don’t give you your present now, I’m going to go nuts.”

  Slowly she made it up the stairs and his eyes were glued to her ass only about half of the trip. Near the top of the climb, he cupped one of her cheeks and said, “If the offer is still open, maybe we could head to the bedroom next.”

  They made their way into the babies’ room and in the area in front of the bay window sat two matching blue and white stripped wingback rocking chairs with ottomans.

  Her eyes lit up. “Oh my God. Where did you get these?”

  “I found them online. I’m no expert at this, but I think they actually match the room, right?”

  “They really do.” Running her hand across the soft fabric, she smiled
. She carefully sat in one of the comfortable chairs and rocked back and forth gazing up to his face. “I love them.”

  “One for Austin and one for Steve,” he said as he sat in the matching chair.

  “Well…” she frowned, “… those better not be the names unless you want to hear Victoria reminisce about the threesome she had with two guys with those names every time she comes over.”

  “Seriously?” He scowled. “I loved those names.”

  “I’m afraid so. Austin was thicker than Steve…” Pausing, she looked to the ceiling. “Or wait, was it Steve who was—”

  “Please, stop.” He slipped off the chair to his knees, took her foot into his hand, and pulled off her shoe. He worked her arch with his palms.

  She sighed. “That feels good.”

  “How about we go back to the drawing board with the names then? I think if I hear Victoria describing her threesome, I’m probably going to throw up.”

  “Okay.”

  “I found a new baby name site.”

  “Did you?” she asked softly as he started working her toes individually. “Oh my God, that feels—”

  “What do you think of Dylan and Griffin?”

  She didn’t reply. Her eyes were closed and she was languidly stretching her neck from side to side.

  “Jillian?”

  “What?” She opened her eyes.

  “What do you think of Dylan and Griffin?”

  “Sorry, I was zoning out there. Your hands are like magic.” She thrust her hips back and forth, pulled her skirt up a little exposing her underwear to him. “Can we talk about it later?”

  “Really?” He smiled.

  “You know how they say there are pressure points in the feet that stimulate different parts of the body?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I think you just hit one of the good ones.” She raised her eyebrows.

  Bringing her foot to his mouth, he kissed her big toe. “I think I just got a little hard.”

  She put her hand out to him. “Help me out of this chair and I’ll take care of that for you.”

  20

  The Leg Thing movie was releasing nationwide on Valentine’s Day and ten days before that was the night of the big Miami premiere of the film. Cringing before a full-length mirror, Jillian stood wearing only a full coverage bra and giant maternity panties. She groaned as she ran her hand around her enormous protruding belly. She turned to the side, gazed at her stretch marks on her stomach, then closed her eyes.