Friends With Multiple Benefits

by Luke Young

  The phone slipped from Jillian’s hand and she scrambled to pick it up.

  Brian looked to Jim. “One hundred million dollars. That’s like Seinfeld money.”

  “Yeah, but after taxes that’s only like sixty million.” Jim forced a frown then paused a moment before he put on a bright smile.

  “Okay, so…” Jillian asked hesitantly, “What’s the bad news?”

  “Well, um, Amanda Joseph wants to star in it.”

  “Ok, I’m hanging up now.” Jillian poised her finger over the phone.

  “No, wait!” Dan said loudly. “Hear me out.”

  “Just go back to the studio and make a deal.”

  “The studio doesn’t want to make the movie anymore. They want the series.”

  “Fine, just go to another studio.”

  Dan sighed. “Look, remember that the studio bought the option to make three films and even if you could buy the rights back, no other studio is going to want to touch this.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Every studio wants to work with Amanda, you know that, right?”

  “I don’t understand it, but yeah,” Jillian conceded.

  “Amanda’s agency has made it known that if anyone produces this material without her, she is never going to work with them again.”

  “She’s holding my story hostage!” Jillian scoffed.

  “Pretty much,” Dan said.

  “She can’t do this.”

  “She can… and she is.” Dan cleared his throat. “Um, there’s one more thing.”

  “I can’t wait,” Jillian grumbled.

  “Amanda wants Brian to work as a special consultant on the production.”

  “A special consultant?”

  “Tennis, of course.”

  “Oh, I thought the cunt wanted him to have his penis consult in a special way with her super-slutty vagina,” Jillian announced with her head held high. Everyone else in the car gazed at her in wide-eyed disbelief.

  “Jillian, why don’t you sleep on it and—”

  “I don’t need to sleep on it.”

  Brian leaned over and whispered to Victoria and Jim, “her hormones have been a little crazy with the um—”

  “In fact,” Jillian began in a loud voice. “Please give Miss Joseph a message for me. She cannot buy my husband from me for one hundred million dollars. Tell her to take that money, crumple it up, and shove it up her…” she looked to Victoria and asked, “… should I have him tell her to shove it up her ass or her vagina?”

  “I’d go with vagina,” Victoria replied casually.

  “That is a lot of money,” Jim commented.

  “In that case you’d better go with ass.” Victoria nodded. “There’s probably more room.”

  “Knowing Amanda Jo, I’d guess there’s just about the same size.” Jillian broke into a maniacal laugh. She held the phone in front of her face and said loudly. “Dan, I’ll let you pick one, ass or vagina and tell her where she can shove it.”

  “Jillian I will not—”

  “Bye, Dan.” Jillian ended the call and closed her eyes as she sighed.

  Everyone in the car shared tentative looks until Brian asked, hesitantly, “Are you okay?”

  “Do I look okay?” Jillian opened her eyes and shuddered. “I can’t believe that whore is going to try to shake me down like that.”

  “Maybe he’s wrong about some of the details. Maybe another studio will—”

  “Oh, he’s right. That little fake-titted slut is the darling of Hollywood. She’s beloved. She’s like a white, thin Oprah, who can actually act.”

  Jim began, “Hey Oprah was really good in that mov—” He shut his mouth when both Victoria and Jillian looked like they wanted to kill him.

  Jillian let out a slow exasperated breath then leaned on Brian’s shoulder. “I just wanted to go home and have you hold me all—” She wrinkled her nose and popped up away from him. “Your jacket!”

  “What?”

  “Your jacket smells like her.” She moved away from him to the other side of the car. “Yes, that’s that perfume the bitch has with her name on it.”

  Brian lifted the lapel up and sniffed. “Does it?”

  “Take it off.” Jillian folded her arms.

  “Okay.” Hurriedly, he slipped off the jacket.

  “Open the window. It stinks in here.” She pinched her nose. “I think I’m going to be physically sick.”

  Jim pushed the button and the window rolled down. Wind rushed into the car as the speeding limo traveled over a bridge. Jillian tilted her head toward the window and took a deep breath. After a few moments she sat back against the seat. “It still stinks in here.” Shaking her head, she turned toward Brian, grabbed his jacket, and tossed it right out of the window. With no time to even utter a word he watched as his jacket launched over the side of the bridge.

  “My, uh…”

  “What?” Jillian sneered.

  “It’s just that I really liked that jacket.”

  “I’ll buy you a new one.”

  “And my phone was in the pocket.”

  “I’ll get you a new one of those too.” Jillian sighed. “But wait, now that Amanda Jo is having me blackballed from the movie and television industry, it’s just a matter of time before no publisher will touch me either. They’re all probably lining up to publish her memoir about how many guys she’s slept with.”

  Brian began, “I’m sure that—”

  “Yeah, so I’ll get you a new phone, but it will probably have to be one of those no-contract older flip phones.” Jillian rolled her eyes. “Maybe a Virgin Mobile.”

  “Oh, God those suck,” Jim commented.

  “Shh…” Victoria glared at him then said, “Are you okay, honey?”

  “You want to know if I’m okay?” Jillian shot her a pointed look.

  “I do. I’m worried about you?”

  “Really?”

  “I am. Maybe you just need to go home and relax. Just take a warm bath and maybe—”

  “Relax. You mean, like you…” Jillian made quote marks with her fingers, “… relaxed your husband tonight at the premiere.”

  Victoria looked around uneasily. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

  “Are you really going to deny that you jerked your husband off while he sat two inches from me and with Steven Spielberg and George freaking Clooney sitting two rows away?”

  “Clooney was there tonight?” Victoria asked, moving to the edge of her seat.

  “You didn’t see him?” Jillian grumbled.

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Wait, when did this happen?” Brian asked, clueless.

  “George Clooney, he arrived right after we did.”

  “No, not him.” Brian sighed. “When was she jerking him off?”

  “Um, it was right about the time that Miss Amanda Jo was titty fucking you.”

  Brian chuckled. “She was not—”

  “Yep, it was a glorious night at the movies for me. I’ve had Long Dong Silver on the right side of me breathing heavily and getting a handy in front of half of the heavy hitters from Hollywood, while on my left, one of the biggest sluts in the world was rubbing her fake tits up and down my husband’s shoulder. It was a banner night for me.”

  “Babe, you really shouldn’t be getting upset when you’re so close to delivering. You need to be careful.” Brian placed his hand on her arm. “Remember what the doctor said.”

  “I can’t help it.”

  “It’s going to be okay. Just breathe.”

  “I know. I know.” Jillian took a deep breath then spent a few moments with her eyes closed with her hands on her knees. When she finally opened her eyes, she said, “I think I’m better now.”

  Brian leaned down and sniffed his shirt quickly. “I don’t think it smells anymore if you want to lean back on me.”

  Jillian gave him a gentle smile then moved to him. “Sorry, everyone I’m just a little hormonal at the
moment.”

  “We understand,” Victoria said. “Sorry, about the, um, handjob.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s really not, but we were all worked up from earlier and I had a few glasses of champagne and the movie was so sexy that uh, I… my hand wandered over and one thing led to another and… You know how that can be, don’t you?” Victoria looked at her, waiting.

  “I do know how that can be.” Jillian began. “Sometimes your hand is drawn to it like a magnet to steel—no pun intended.”

  The four shared a laugh then Brian narrowed his eyes. “So, I know I’m probably going to regret asking this, but Jim, did you actually finish?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Um…” Frowning, he asked hesitantly, “Where did you finish?”

  Holding up the jacket, Jim wore a sheepish expression.

  “Oh, God, that’s disgusting.” Brian shared a horrified look with his wife. “What the hell are you going to do with that?”

  “I don’t know, take it to the dry cleaner I guess.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Jillian said.

  “You guys should really learn how to control yourselves.” Jillian rolled her eyes.

  “You can’t take her anywhere,” Jim commented.

  “No, you really can’t,” Brian added and they all shared another laugh.

  23

  Grimacing, Jillian hurried into the bedroom and fought to reach the zipper behind her back. Brian entered seconds later and came to her aid. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” she asked in a condescending voice.

  “Um, no reason.” He sighed. “Look, everything is going to be fine. The doctor said you need to take it easy and reduce your stress level. We want those babies to stay in there as long as possible.”

  “I know. I know.” She put her hand over her chest. “But these celebrities think they can buy everything. She thinks she can dangle millions of dollars in front of my face in order to… what… what? I don’t think I even understand what she’s trying to do.”

  “Oh, she’s just pretending to want me because she knows she can’t have me. I’ll bet if I told her you threw me out, she would lose interest immediately.” He unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” She scoffed. “She’s been with Brad Pitt for God’s sake and, no offense, you’re no B.P.”

  Frowning, he gave her a devastated look.

  “Oh, you know, what I mean.” She waved her hand at him, dismissively.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “But…” she smiled sweetly, “… you’re my Brad Pitt.”

  “Okay.”

  She took off her bra and massaged her massively swollen and aching breasts. “That feels better.”

  He shook his head. “Somehow, they look even bigger than earlier today.”

  Moving in front of the mirror, she studied them carefully. “I think they are bigger. This pregnancy is a nightmare.”

  He stepped up behind her. “Do you still want me to rub them?”

  “Not tonight, they’re too sensitive.” She frowned. “I wouldn’t turn down a foot rub, though.”

  “You’ve got it.” He stepped out of his pants, folded them, and placed them on the dresser.

  A few minutes later, Jillian was propped up on pillows resting against the headboard as Brian lay on his back near the foot of the bed with one of her feet in his hands. “How’s that?”

  “Amazing.”

  “You know, after the baby comes, I can go back to sitting on you and giving you my famous full body rubs.”

  “I really miss them,” she whined.

  “I know you do.” He slid his fingers up her calf and rubbed it hard.

  “That feels good.”

  “Just relax.”

  While working her calf muscle with one hand, he massaged her arch with the other. She sighed then suddenly her eyes opened wide. “So, what should I do about this H.B.O. thing?”

  “Really?” He shot her a disapproving look.

  “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “Do we really need to talk about this now?”

  “If we don’t, I won’t be able to sleep.”

  He sighed. “Okay, maybe Dan got the story wrong or maybe she’s not really serious about me having to work with her. I mean, there are plenty of other tennis coaches out there.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “What do you think about doing a series instead of another movie?”

  “You know, that probably is a great idea. Everyone is doing TV now. You have so much more freedom.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Look, short of slipping me the date rape drug, there is no way she’s going to steal me away from you. For Christ’s sake, I was naked in the shower with her and still nothing happened.”

  She cringed. “Why’d you have to bring that up?”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you. You trust me don’t you?”

  “I don’t know. Have you seen my ass? If it gets any bigger, I think I might leave myself.”

  “What?” He looked at her confused.

  “Uggh, you know what I’m saying.”

  Jillian’s phone chimed on the dresser. She sighed then picked it up. After glancing at the screen, she rolled her eyes. “It’s a text from Dan.”

  “What’s it say?”

  Jillian read it out loud, “There’s a meeting tomorrow with the executives from the network and I want you to be there. Everyone’s in town for the premiere so they decided to do it here.”

  She spoke slowly dictating the words as she typed, “I’ll never agree to these terms so there is no reason to meet.”

  She wore a smug look as she waited for a reply. When it came, she read it out loud, “Look, just hear what they have to say. Trust me you’ll regret it if you don’t. I’ll send a car for you at ten. Just be in it. That’s all you have to do.”

  She looked to Brian and he returned a sympathetic shrug. Her phone chimed, she glanced at the screen then returned her attention to Brian rolling her eyes. “Jillian, please.”

  Brian said, “Maybe you should just go.”

  She sighed then after a moment typed as she spoke, “Okay, I’ll go.”

  Seconds later the phone chimed again and after a few seconds of reading it, she frowned.

  “What did he write?”

  She made a face and spoke in a whiny parental voice, “Promise me you won’t say the word cunt at the meeting. Please don’t call anyone a cunt.”

  With a determined expression, she typed as she spoke, “I can’t promise that. When someone is acting cunty sometimes the word just comes out.”

  Grinning, she gave her husband a look.

  The phone chimed and she chuckled while she replied, “Yes, Dan, I’ll try.” After a deep breath, she tossed the phone on the mattress. “Now, where were we?”

  “I was just starting to rub your calves.”

  “That’s right.” Smiling, she slid down a bit and relaxed into her pillow.

  “Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?”

  She looked at him contemplating for a moment before shaking her head. “No, I don’t think so. It’s probably better that I go alone.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” His eyes brightened. “Plus I almost forgot that I have Scarlet Johansen coming over at eleven for a match.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah, she wants to work on her backhand.”

  “Her backhand huh?” She giggled then pushed her foot into his chest while wearing a mock angry look.

  “Sorry. I couldn’t resist.”

  24

  In a conference room at a luxury hotel, Jillian sat with her agent Dan, and Amanda Jo’s agent Andrew, along with Gary, an executive from the network. In the center of the large table was a delightful selection of bagels and mini muffins. Everyone sipped coffee as they waited for the arrival of the superstar.

/>   Andrew said, “Sorry about that. She’ll be here any minute.”

  Jillian rolled her eyes and grabbed a blueberry muffin.

  Gary commented, “The movie is tracking phenomenally.”

  Andrew said, “Knock on wood, but it can’t miss.”

  Jillian returned a polite smile as everyone else shared a wide-eyed nod.

  Suddenly Amanda burst into the room wearing a short, tight skirt and form-fitting blouse. “Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a nightmare.”

  Andrew jumped to his feet and pulled a chair out for his client as the other men stood as well. She sat and everyone returned to their seats. “Jillian, so nice to see you again.”

  “Amanda,” Jillian replied halfheartedly.

  Amanda said, “I can’t tell you how many wonderful texts and emails I received last night from people who enjoyed the premiere.”

  “That’s nice,” Jillian said with as much sincerity as she could muster.

  “So, I’m just going to start.” Gary rubbed his hands together. “Look, we want to fast track this and go into production in ninety days. We want to start filming early this fall.”

  “Ninety days,” Jillian repeated. “Wow that is fast. That’s um—”

  “We want to premiere the first episode in November the same week the film comes out on DVD,” Gary said.

  Dan added, “Jillian, they want you to executive produce.”

  Jillian’s head was spinning. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the switch from film to television and—”

  “We have some ideas for how to make the transition work,” Gary said.

  Jillian shook her head, frowning. “That’s fine, but I really just agreed to take this meeting as a courtesy. You see there are—”

  “Jillian, I think you’ll be very pleased with the contract,” Gary interrupted as he slid a document in front of her. “Very pleased.”

  “I um…” She glanced at the first page and her eyes bugged out of her head. “This can’t be right. Five million for the rights to the series.”

  Shrugging, Gary waved his hand in the air. “That’s just an initial payment. Look at the deferred payments on page two.”

  Jillian flipped the page and her heart rate increased. “I didn’t mean five million wasn’t enough I meant, um—”