Friends With Multiple Benefits

by Luke Young

  Jillian quietly moved back and held still.

  “I want that movie… What? Why? … I don’t give a shit about the contract. Just get me out… Uh-huh… Yeah… You want to know what’s… Hold on.”

  Jillian heard footsteps and what sounded like Amanda bending over to look under one of the four stalls. She took two careful steps backward and stood near the wall.

  After another few seconds Amanda began again, “I’ll tell you what’s going on. It’s that Jillian Grayson and her husband they… No, things are not getting better… Look that cow and her dork of a husband are ruining this show.”

  Jillian’s mouth dropped open.

  “He’s coming on to me… I know I asked for him to be my trainer, but… Just get me out of this contract. There has to be something you can do. She’s incompetent. The scripts are awful and he’s, he’s… like a sexual predator.”

  Cringing in disbelief, Jillian gave Amanda the finger from behind the stall door.

  “What do you mean if I pull out I don’t get paid? I didn’t sign that… They would never sue me.” Amanda sighed. “Well… well then I’ll take this show down myself. When I’m done, the studio will be begging me to step away and… and they’ll be buying me out of my contract… No. No, I… fuck you Andrew.”

  After letting out a loud grunt, Amanda tossed her phone into her purse, ripped open the door and stormed away.

  Jillian drove straight to Victoria’s and headed to her office. Finding her feisty friend behind her desk typing on the computer, she knocked on the open door. “You don’t have any clients coming in do you?”

  “Jillian,” Victoria replied

  She took a step into the room. “Don’t tell me you have a guy with two penises and four balls or anything like that?”

  “No.” Victoria smiled. “Genital freak show day isn’t until Wednesday.”

  Jillian raised her eyebrows. “I’ll bet you’ve actually thought about having a day like that.”

  “No comment.” Victoria looked at her calendar. “No, I’m open until three. What’s up?”

  Jillian plopped in a chair. “Let’s take down that bitch.”

  “You’re in.” Victoria’s eyes brightened.

  “I’m in.”

  Victoria returned her attention to her computer screen and grabbed the mouse. “Great, I’ve already crafted a few diary entries and—”

  “Noooah,” Jillian grumbled then she exhaled deeply. “Not the idiotic Gone Girl diary thing. Let’s come up with some way to get her that doesn’t involve, I don’t know, lying to the police and, um, making my husband disappear for a couple of years.”

  “Oh…” Victoria’s face sank. “So, I take it the talk didn’t go very well.”

  “There was no talk. I overheard her on the phone with her… I guess it was her agent or manager. She’s trying to destroy the show. She called me a cow and Brian a dork.”

  “He is a little dorky.” Victoria shrugged, apologetically.

  “He’s not.” Jillian frowned.

  “I mean, just a little.”

  “Yeah, but she can’t call him that. Only I can call him that.”

  “That’s right.” Victoria nodded in support. “She can’t.”

  “I’m not going to let her ruin my show.”

  “Yeah, we’ve got to stop her.” Narrowing her eyes, Victoria tapped her finger to her lips. “Let me just read you one of my diary entries and see—”

  “Geez, would you get off the damn diary thing! Is there a guy on the planet who keeps a diary?”

  “I guess you have a point.”

  “Yeah…” Jillian rolled her eyes, “… and I think we can find some other way to make this work.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Celebrities destroy their careers all the time.”

  After pausing a moment, Victoria’s eyes lit up and she gasped. “I’ve got it.” She clicked the mouse and repeated the words as she typed, “Celebrities that have ruined their careers.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Googling it.” Glancing to her friend, Victoria shrugged. “How the hell did we ever survive before Google?”

  “I don’t know.” Rising to her feet, Jillian moved behind Victoria and studied the screen. “Oh, click on… that one. Yeah, ‘25 Celebrities Who Ruined Their Careers.’”

  On screen an image appeared of a person with lots of makeup, sporting a mustache and wearing a bright purple suit and hat. Victoria scoffed. “Who the hell is that?”

  “I think it’s…” Jillian pulled up a chair, “… Ellen dressed as a man.”

  “No…” Victoria scrolled down. “Wait, it’s Boy George.”

  “Oh, my God. It is. I loved some of his songs.”

  “Me too. Let’s see what he did.” She paused a moment to read. “Drug addiction and legal troubles.”

  “I don’t think she does drugs.”

  “We could get her hooked.” Turning to Jillian, Victoria gave her a hopeful look.

  “On what?” Jillian asked. “All you have is pot.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Okay, who’s next?” Victoria scrolled down further. “Um, Michael Jackson… No… Axl Rose, Justin Bieber, no. Okay, here we go. Courtney Love.”

  “What’d she do?”

  “Drug problems and a lot of people blame her for Kurt Cobain’s suicide.”

  Jillian cringed. “That doesn’t really—”

  “What if we got Amanda to date someone that everyone loves, like… uh, like…”

  “Oh, like Tom Hanks.” Jillian’s eyes lit up.

  “Okay, yeah then if Tom kills himself she’s toast.”

  “I think he’s already married.”

  “Even better. She steals him away then he…” Victoria raised her eyebrows. “It’s perfect.”

  Shaking her head, Jillian frowned. “Yeah, but that would probably take a lot of time and even though she’s a complete nightmare I’m sure there is no guarantee that he would kill himself over her.”

  “You’re probably right.” Returning her attention to the screen, Victoria curled her lip. “Let’s see. Um, Anna Nicole Smith… drugs. Tiger Woods, sex addiction. Um, that’s an interesting one, but that would probably just make her more popular.”

  “I know, right. Men…” Jillian rolled her eyes and then clicked her teeth.

  “Britney Spears,” Victoria began excitedly. “Do you think we could get Amanda to shave her head, adopt a baby, and lock it inside her house?”

  Jillian chuckled. “What the heck did she do?”

  “She was supposed to turn the kids over to her husband’s bodyguard, but she locked herself in a room with one of the kids instead.”

  “Weird,” Jillian began. “But again that would take too much time.”

  “Okay, we have lots more here. Um…” Victoria scrolled down the screen. “Okay, how about Charlie Sheen?” She paused for a few moments to read. “If we could get her to say lots of crazy crap, do tons of drugs, live with porn stars, and call them her goddesses then that might do it.”

  “No.”

  “Mel Gibson, um, he had his anti-Semitic remarks and he’s a drunk and they also have him on tape screaming crazy shit to his wife.”

  “That’s a possibility.”

  “Here it is.” Victoria grinned widely. “Yes, how about Paula Dean?”

  “Racial slurs. Okay, yeah.” Jillian smiled. “That’s good.”

  Victoria turned to Jillian with her palms raised. “I think that’s it.”

  “But I’ve never heard her say anything like that before.”

  “There has to be a way to do this.” Victoria tapped her finger to her chin. “Give me a minute to… So, Amanda is still trying to sleep with Brian, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What if we get her alone with him and he gets her to say, you know, stuff like, ‘Fuck me with your N-word cock.’”

  “How could he get her to do that?”

  “Huh…” Victoria paused, thinki
ng. “Um, maybe he wears blackface and—”

  “No, that’s idiotic.”

  A light brightened in Victoria’s eyes. “How about this? He tells her that you aren’t into role play and that he really likes role play. What do you think?”

  Jillian cringed. “It sounds kind of stupid.”

  “Stupid. Do you have a better idea?” Victoria scoffed.

  “No, but—”

  “We can make this work. We’ll record the whole thing and threaten to release it to the media if she doesn’t drop out of your show.”

  “How’s he going to get her to say it?”

  “Get them naked together again, like in the shower, and he’ll get her so worked up when he starts the role play thing.”

  “Naked?”

  “Yeah, that’s probably the only way it can work.”

  “Huh…” Jillian frowned. “Wait, um, if he’s coming on to her what if she attacks him and they end up actually having sex? I couldn’t deal with that.”

  “Um, well—”

  “I know.” Jillian put on an evil grin. “I’m sort of embarrassed to admit this, but I do have a little experience in the making him unable-to-get-an-erection department.”

  “You mean when he sees you without make up?” Victoria asked innocently.

  “No.” Jillian cringed. “That was really mean.”

  “Sorry, what are you talking about?”

  “Remember when he played that trick on you when you were trying to get him naked in front of everyone at that party at your house?”

  “Yeah…” Victoria rolled her eyes. “He pretended to have a seizure and scared the shit out of me.”

  “Remember he couldn’t get it up.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Jillian wore a grin and shook her head from side to side as she pointed to herself. “I gave him like five orgasms, before he went to your house. So many that he couldn’t get hard for a few days after that.”

  “I’m impressed.”

  “Ugh…” Jillian exhaled deeply. “My mouth and my hands hurt for like a week.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “Do you think Brian could really sell it and get her to say those things?”

  “With enough practice, why yes. Yes, I do.”

  “All right. Let’s do it.”

  47

  “You want me to get naked and do what?” Brian looked first to his wife in disbelief then to her partner in crime, Victoria, and grumbled, “This has to be her idea.”

  “We came up with it together.” Jillian nodded.

  “Now I’m really scared.” Cringing, Brian pointed to Victoria’s chest. “I could almost take you seriously if half your nipple wasn’t showing right now?”

  “What?” Victoria looked down. “Oh, sorry.” She chuckled, then adjusted her shirt to cover her partially exposed nipple. “Sometimes that happens.”

  “Uh-huh.” Brian rolled his eyes then headed to the kitchen. “I need a beer. Does anyone else need one?” He turned back to them and scoffed. “Wait, I’ll bet you’ve both been drinking already.”

  “No, we’re both completely sober,” Jillian said.

  “Now, I’m really scared for the both of you.” He twisted off the top of his beer and took a sip.

  “This is a great plan.” Victoria frowned. “I don’t get why you can’t see that.”

  “Um, because I’m not insane.” Brian walked past them to the great room and plopped on the sofa as the gal pals shared a disappointed look.

  Jillian began, “Why don’t you just take some time to—”

  “I thought you were going to talk to her and clear this whole thing up,” he interrupted.

  “I went to talk to her but before I could, I overheard her telling someone on the phone she was going to destroy our show and…” Jillian pointed at him. “… and she called you a dork.”

  “A dork?” His jaw dropped open. “Really, she called me a dork?”

  “She did. And she called me a cow.”

  “That’s mean,” Brian began. “You look amazing.”

  “Thanks.” Jillian shot him a hopeful look. “So will you help us?”

  “She’s not the first person to call me a dork. I think I’ll survive.”

  After taking a sip, he put the bottle on the table and grabbed the remote. “I really wanted to watch this tennis match, so maybe you guys could go ahead and, you know, try to corrupt someone else.”

  The girls plopped down on either side of him and Jillian seductively stroked his arm while giving him a suggestive look. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

  Victoria rubbed his other arm.

  Brian glared at Victoria’s hand then slowly met her gaze. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Just trying to help.”

  “Please don’t tell me you’re trying to bribe me with a threesome because I don’t think your husband would approve.”

  “No, yuck.” Victoria made a face.

  “What the hell do you mean yuck?” He looked at her insulted. “A few years ago you propositioned me. More than once.”

  “Yeah, but now… now we’re like brother and sister.”

  “Okay…” His expression softened. “I guess I’ll buy that.”

  He shrugged his right shoulder to get Victoria off him then turned his attention to his wife. “But isn’t it illegal to tape someone without their consent.”

  “Not in this state,” Jillian replied.

  He turned his attention to Victoria. “Is she right about that?”

  “Um…” Victoria looked to Jillian, who simply returned a wide-eyed confused shrug. When Brian returned to Jillian, she had put on a confident smile. “I’m sure it’s completely legal. We googled it and everything. And I’ll check with my lawyer just to be sure.”

  “You will?” Brian looked to Victoria.

  “Yeah, sure,” Victoria replied, but when Brian looked away, she held back a smile, shook her head and mouthed the words, I won’t.

  “Okay, so how exactly are you going to make it worth my while?” He picked up his beer and took a sip. “I want to know.”

  Jillian leaned over and whispered in his ear. He raised his eyebrows then his eyes bugged out of his head a little. This went on for fifteen seconds until Victoria said, “I want to hear.”

  “Shh.” Brian glared at her.

  “Will you do the whole, you know, thing?” He turned to Jillian. “Like the first time and then the second without, you know…”

  Jillian frowned a little then shrugged. “Sure.”

  “No.” He shook his head. “Your heart really isn’t in it.”

  “What?” Jillian scoffed. “It is.”

  “I want to feel like you really want to do it. Not like you’re just going through the motions to get what you want.”

  Victoria moaned, “Come on. I want to know what you guys are talking about. Is it anal?”

  He groaned and rolled his eyes at their big-breasted blonde friend. “Stay out of this.”

  Jillian got up on her knees. “No, I really want to do it.”

  “I want two… no, three of those.” He wore a smug expression.

  “Three times!” Jillian exhaled frowning a bit.

  “I was this close to asking for four.” He held his thumb and forefinger an inch apart. “Is that what you want, huh?”

  “No, three.” She nodded confidently. “I can do three.”

  “Good, then we have a deal?” He put out his hand and gave her a wide-eyed expectant look.

  “Deal.” She shook his hand.

  Victoria folded her arms. “You’re really not going to tell me?”

  Jillian mouthed, I’ll tell you later.

  “Don’t you have a husband to go home to?” Brian gave her a pointed look.

  “Yeah, but we already did it twice this morning so he needs a break.” Victoria paused a moment seemingly reliving her morning romp. “I never knew a guy could shoot so much and so high up. I was finishing him off with my hand and he�
�”

  “Please don’t.” Brian lifted his hand in the air and grimaced.

  “He’s like the porn star Peter North. He shoots ropes.”

  “What?” Brian cringed.

  “Yeah, they say Peter shoots ropes and, I guess, so does Jim.”

  “Oh my God. What’s wrong with you?” Brian turned to Jillian hoping to share a horrified look but found she was wearing an awestruck expression instead. “What is it?”

  “What?” Jillian shook herself back to reality. “Nothing.”

  “And don’t you go telling her about our deal.” Brian shot his wife a look. “You know, you guys are a little too close. Some things should be kept private.”

  “Private.” Victoria scoffed. “Remember last year when we were playing that game and we all watched while you tried to blow yourself?”

  “Geez, why are you bringing that up?”

  “To point out that we share everything.”

  “That’s exactly my point. We’re all a little too close. I don’t want to hear about your amazing sex life and the only vagina I want to see is hers and the only penis I want to see is mine.”

  “What about all that porn you watch,” Jillian said.

  “I don’t watch that much,” he replied, defensively.

  The two women shot him skeptical looks.

  “Okay, so there was a couple week period there where you were sick and I was, you know…” He sighed. “Look, I just don’t want to see any vaginas and penises of people I know except for those right here.” He wagged his finger back and forth between himself and Jillian.

  “You’re no fun.” Victoria rose to her feet.

  “I’m a lot of fun.” He shot her an arrogant look. “You can’t even imagine how much fun I am. Right, babe?” He turned his attention to his wife.

  “What?” Jillian replied.

  “You’re thinking about shooting ropes aren’t you?” Brian looked at his wife in slack-jawed, bewilderment.

  “Well…” She wore a hesitant look. “I was just trying to picture it in my head and I can’t.”

  Victoria put her hand on Jillian’s arm and whispered, “I’ll send you a link later.”

  “Don’t you dare. I don’t need you showing her any more giant penises or huge ropey loads.” Brian cringed. “My God… I can’t believe I actually had to say ropey load.”