No Regrets (No Regrets #1)

by Heather Allen

  I take a deep, needed breath.

  “In that letter he claimed it was too much for him. He’s always handled things differently, I guess. Maybe he felt guilty that I went away.” I take a long drink from my glass and add, “I knew if I ever saw him again, it’d be like this, on his terms. When he felt like showing his face again.”

  Christina’s voice is unbelieving. “What an ass!”

  I chuckle at her reaction.

  “I mean, Grey, what the hell kind of friend leaves you to rot in jail and never supports you? Especially one where you stepped up and did what he should have done all along? Actually, if he was taking care of his girl, it probably never would have happened.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. What happened is done. As much as I’d like to, I can’t turn back time.”

  Christina comes around the bar and scoots in beside me. She places her hand over mine. “What about the chick that was with him tonight? She was the girl that night?”

  Mollie’s bright face flashes through my thoughts. Those eyes that seem to tell a thousand stories yet are so secretive. My body tenses just thinking about her.

  “Grey, you there?”

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you might have feelings for this girl. But that would be crazy because you don’t believe in that love shit.”

  I look over to her taunting smile and mumble, “No, it doesn’t work like that. No such thing. Don’t even fucking go there, Christina.” I add as an afterthought, “She’s with Meyer so leave it alone.”

  Christina downs her drink. “Drink up, Champ. You have a fight tomorrow and you don’t need any of this junk messing with you. I think we need a few more drinks, but not here. Let’s go down the road. Mark stays open most of the night.”

  Chapter 15

  Continuous pounding through my head wakes me up. I squint at the uncovered windows and curse for not buying any blinds yet. I roll over to warmth instead of cool crisp sheets as I was expecting. Alarm rings through my fuzzy thoughts. ‘Shit, did I bring someone home with me last night?’ A thin arm drapes over my chest, causing me to jump up. I glance over to find Christina, who has one eye open, amusement crosses her face at my reaction. I’m relieved it’s only Christina and not some random chick I’ve brought home with me.

  “Relax, Grey, nothing happened. You don’t remember anything, do you?”

  I shake my head, irritated that I can’t recall the events from the night before. I remember leaving Juno’s and driving to Mark’s Bar down the road. The last thing that floats through my thoughts are the shots lining the bar in salute to my fight. Shit, my fight.

  My body pops off the bed, the movement causing me to wince with pain as my head continuously pounds. “Fuck, what time is it? Jax is gonna kill me.”

  Christina rolls over, spreading her arms out across the bed. “No worries, Grey. He won’t kill you today, it’s your big fight. I’m sure it means as much to him as it does to you. By the way, I think I like this bed.”

  I pause and look over with a smirk on my face. “Does Jonathan know you slept over?”

  “Nothing happened, Grey.” She pushes the blanket down from her body. “See? Fully clothed. You, on the other hand…” She nods to my barely clothed body. “You wanted to strip for me. Luckily you passed out before you made it to your underwear.”

  At first I’m surprised, but we’ve already slept with each other and I was drunk. Before I can reason why I’m half naked, she interrupts my thoughts.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not complaining, Grey. You are very nice on the eyes. Just not my type. I like a little exotic in my diet.”

  “That’s not what you said before.”

  “Um, I was experimenting before I got the real thing.”

  I shake my head and aim for the shower. Christina calls out from behind me, “By the way, I think the alcohol helped. You didn’t have any nightmares, did you?” My foot falters and I turn back to face her, confusion I’m sure, in my expression.

  “You didn’t forget I’ve had sleepovers with you before, did you?”

  “No, I…”

  “Grey, we all have things that haunt us. It’s how we deal with them that makes them bearable. You have to find what works for you and I’m not recommending alcohol, you’re a shitty drunk.” She adds, “See you tonight at the fight. Juno got both of our shifts covered.”

  I nod silently before entering the bathroom and closing the door. As I step into the pounding water, I try to relax and clear my mind. But the demons pop up. Meyer’s easy going attitude from last night as if time hasn’t passed. Years with no contact and he shows up ready to pick up where we left off. I try to lose the anger that is surfacing. Anger at Meyer for showing back up in my life and bringing Mollie, who I can’t seem to stop thinking about, hammer through my head, probably more than the remnants of any hangover.

  My phone starts ringing relentlessly as I step out of the shower. Two rounds echo through the apartment before I decide to answer it. A number I don’t recognize flashes across the screen.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Grey, It’s Jimmy T.”

  I should have known Jimmy would be all over it soon. This is my last fight before going pro, the same exact situation as that day more than five years ago.

  “Hey, Jimmy. How’s it going?”

  “Great, buddy. I heard you’re on the up and up. Looking for a manager yet?”

  Guilt embeds itself into my chest for a moment for leaving Jimmy in a lurch but Jackson’s words repeat through my mind, “Jimmy rode on your coattails even after you left.”

  “Ah, not sure, Jimmy. So far I haven’t needed one. Jackson’s done a great job getting me fights.”

  “Yeah, but Jackson doesn’t have the connections I do, Grey. Think about it and let me know. I’ll do you right, I promise.”

  “No doubt, Jimmy, I’ll think on it. Are you coming to the fight tonight?”

  Jimmy seems to hesitate before answering. “Um, I’ll try to make it, buddy, been real busy around here.” He rushes to get off the phone, “Gotta go. Think on the offer, Greylan, I’ll get you some big fights if you give it a chance.”

  The phone goes dead before I have a chance to say anything else. Jimmy’s behavior isn’t completely out of character for him, just a little stranger than usual. But I don’t have a chance to dwell on it before the phone starts going off again. I glance at the screen and my sister’s smiling face flashes across it.

  “Hey, kid, how are you?”

  I can hear the smile in her voice. “Hi, Grey. When were you going to tell me about your fight tonight?”

  And already any kind of good mood I was in is squashed. It’s not surprising that Parker is keeping up with my fighting but it still pisses me off. I should have called her.

  I spit out, “I knew your boy would tell you.”

  “Greylan Pace, we’re family and a phone call from you every once in a while would be nice. Didn’t you promise Mom…” She had to pull the guilt card.

  “Shit, Trin, sorry, I’ve just been busy.”

  “Greylan, I know how you feel about Parker. It’s obvious. We’ve had this conversation, though. He’s the person I’ve chosen. Please don’t alienate me just because you don’t like him.”

  Her words hit me right where it counts. The guilt over my sister is continuous, so I give in once again. “I know, Trin. Like I said before, I’ll try.”

  “No, Grey, trying isn’t good enough anymore. You’re not trying. Just call me once in a while and I’ll be happy with that.”

  “I will, Trinity.” At this point I’ll do whatever she asks. Disappointing my sister isn’t something I ever want to do again.

  “I’ll see you tonight then.”

  “See you tonight.”

  I feel miserable, first hammered from Jimmy and now Trinity. Hopefully the day will shape up. I must win the fight tonight to move on. I tell myself to focus on only that one thought but a pretty redhead pops into my head an
d anger propels me out the door, ready to hit something.

  The gym is quiet when I walk in just after noon. Jackson is missing from his usual perch. As I walk through the room, I can feel stares directed my way. When I get to the office, a smooth smile on Jackson’s face greets me. He asks, “You ready for tonight?”

  Reluctantly, I try to meet his enthusiasm. “Yeah, guess so.”

  “Don’t guess, boy, be sure. That guy in the cage tonight isn’t gonna guess he’ll be ready to beat your ass, he’s gonna know.”

  “Okay, Jax, I just need to get a couple of hours in with the bag.”

  Jackson stands up and pulls me over in a loose headlock. He leans in and states close to my cheek, “Whatever you have to do. Clear that head, get rid of it all. Tonight is your only shot.”

  I nod awkwardly in his arm before he loosens it, allowing me to pull away. This is exactly why I came here today, to clear my head.

  I leave Jackson behind in the office without another word and head straight for the punching bags. My feet maneuver on their own, in a dance with an imaginary opponent. I push it all away, concentrating only on hitting the bag and kicking it systematically. But as has happened half a dozen times since the night before, Red accompanying Meyer flashes through my vision. I wonder what her story is. Why she looks so haunted. Her eyes that felt like they could see every demon I harbor with just one glance. She was so beautiful it was hard for me to draw my eyes away. My arms and legs hit and kick harder as I repeat over and over to myself that she’s off limits, she’s Meyer’s girl.

  A couple of hours later, Jackson kicks me out. I still have pent up energy but Jackson tells me to save the rest for tonight. I consider going home to take a nap but I know I would never be able to turn my head off. Instead I head for Mill Pond Park. As the truck turns into the drive, memories flood my mind. Me and Meyer on our bikes with fishing poles and buckets of bait balanced precariously so we wouldn’t crash. In middle school the park was just starting to expand. Back then the pond was the draw, so it was mostly deserted. Now as I make the short drive down the lane I notice the playgrounds that have been put in and billboards advertising concerts in the park. As I get out of the truck I look around, noting how much the park really has changed. A boat launch is now present a few yards down the pond.

  Back with Meyer, when we were only so high, we thought the pond was huge. Now through different eyes, the size of it hits me as small, like my life that keeps stepping back over the past. I shake it away momentarily, again cursing the torture I’m forcing onto myself. I walk along the edge of the lake to a makeshift waterfall. A wooden wall disappears into the murky water below. My legs sink to the edge, dangling over the side, as I try like hell to let the sound of the pouring water drown out the thoughts that are screaming at me.

  A short while later, a smooth voice that I recognize all too well overpowers the sound of the water. I turn as she approaches. She steps forward, her hands on her hips, staring at me for a full minute. When I don’t say anything, she gestures to the spot beside me. She’s dressed in jeans that disappear into high brown boots. Her black short sleeved shirt contrasts with her milky white skin. As she lowers to the edge of the wall next to me, I have to remind myself to breathe. Her bright red hair is pulled back at the nape of her neck. Her lips turn up as her steady voice explains, “Meyer thought you might be here.”

  That smile knocks the breath out of me. I shift my eyes forward, frowning, trying to focus on the constant patter of the water to gather my thoughts. What exactly does this chick know about me besides what happened that night and why would she bother searching me out if she’s here with Meyer? And if she sits there any longer I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my hands off of her. Fuck, why am I thinking these things? I don’t even know her. It’s as if all of those feelings I had that night about her never went away. The breeze blows, forcing a sweet scent to caress my nose. I think I might die right here. My hands clench at my sides and for once I focus on the anger. It’s something I can act on. My blood pumps faster as I think about Meyer sitting so easily with his arm around her last night as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

  She looks at the water and admits, “Last night when we came to the bar, you weren’t what I was expecting.” Her musical voice brings me out of my thoughts. The anger seems to float away as she speaks. I want to reach out and grab it.

  I turn, unsure of her meaning, my expression blank. I don’t trust my voice to question her, though. I look back at the water, wanting her to leave and stay all at the same time.

  She continues, “I’m so sorry about…what happened. I’ve felt terrible about it all of this time. And Meyer feels awful. He believes he is wholly responsible.”

  When I don’t comment, she continues. “I thought you’d be hard and angry from being there for so long. The way Meyer described you before, as thoughtful and putting others before yourself, I didn’t think you’d still be like that.” She seems to hesitate. “I’ve known people… I just know you change when you go away like that.”

  I look back to her, meeting those incredible eyes. They seem stormy today, not quite as clear as last night. But I can still see flecks of gold and all I want to do is lean into them and get lost. I feel as if she can see every thought going through my mind, which at this point I can’t keep one clear idea. I look away, afraid she can see more than I want her to, reminding myself that she’s here with Meyer, who hasn’t been around in years. There must be an ulterior motive behind all of this. I concentrate on that thought, willing the anger to rise again. Any other feelings except the anger is too foreign and against the rules.

  I sigh, breaking my silence. “Apparently you know all about me, what about you? Why are you here looking for me?”

  She takes a deep breath as if readying herself. This causes me to glance at her again. My eyes narrow, trying like hell to keep my guard up.

  “Like I said, last night I was pleasantly surprised. You aren’t what I expected.”

  I frown at her vagueness and realize that this is the last thing I need at this moment. Her being here will only mess with my head even more. I stand abruptly, not commenting on her statement. Instead I look down and almost falter in my words. God, is she gorgeous. But I take a small breath and explain quietly, “I have a big fight tonight. I need to go and get ready.”

  She nods and follows me with her gaze all the way to the truck. I can feel her stare on my back. I tell myself that I need to stay away from her but my body tells me other things. I have never been so turned on by just a look from a woman before. As I climb into the truck, I glance back and meet her still stare. She smiles and waves. Closing the door, my head moves slightly and I vow not to look at her tonight. It will totally screw with my game.

  Chapter 16

  Jackson pulls into the lot of Lara’s Landing at exactly five o’clock. I watch out the window as he maneuvers his truck into a space and slips out into the setting sun. The toothpick, constantly in the corner of his mouth, shifts from one side to the other, the remnants of his addictive personality. He told me that he quit smoking ten years ago and he had no problems overcoming the nicotine addiction but not having something for his mouth to do in its absence was something else.

  His knock echoes down the long cool hall. I answer with a pull on the door. One look and I’m sure he knows I’m still fighting some stuff. It seems that today is worse than most days. I was hoping he would attribute it to nerves about the fight. This is the precipice on which I failed five years ago. But the look on his face tells me he knows it’s more than just nerves.

  He seems to dismiss it because he claps me on the shoulder and asks, “So, Champ, you ready?”

  I nod, taking a deep breath, relieved he let it go. The last thing I want to do is hash out any of this shit running through my head.

  “This is it, Grey, for all of us. Just know we’ll all be there to support you. I know you’re ready for this. I was thinking today that maybe back then it just wasn’t your
time. Maybe tonight is your time.”

  I glare down my nose at Jackson and claim, “Jax, don’t start that shit with me. Christina and Trinity give me enough positive thinking crap. I let you pick me up cause you insisted. If you’re gonna be a pussy ass, I’ll drive myself.”

  Jackson chuckles. “Aren’t those my lines you’re throwing back at me?”

  “Whatever, dude, let’s just get this thing done.”

  “Sure thing. You ready?”

  I follow him out to his custom painted metallic blue Chevy truck. If there were ever a time I’m happy to ride with someone else, it’s tonight. Regardless of the outcome, having Jackson’s support at the end of the night means more to me than he could possibly know.

  The drive to the coast is long and silent. Jackson doesn’t try to put words out there that don’t need to be and I’m thankful. Too much shit runs through my head. I know I need to get it together. But I keep picturing her at the pond today. Red, - the way her name rolls through my head. I lean back, closing my eyes, and instead of pushing her away I trace the outline of her face in my mind, her long bright hair that I itched to touch today. After a while I lift my head, watching the landscape as we get closer to the fight. What the hell is it about this woman that’s so different? Meyer, that’s what’s different. She’s off limits because of Meyer. As pissed off as I am at the asswipe, I would never touch what’s his. A deep breath escapes me as I come to terms with these thoughts.

  My head falls back to rest again and my fists clench. I think about Meyer with Mollie and Parker with Trinity, trying to bring about just the right amount of irritation. This is what I need to get through the night, something to focus on and someone to beat the shit out of.

  As we enter the warehouse, a steady stream of people is pouring into the seats lined up around the cage. I turn my head to look across the broad room at that symbol of my life. It means everything to me. Just fifteen minutes and I’m either on top or not going to continue with this. I follow Jackson into the small room they label as a locker room. One wall is lined with portable lockers that are brought in just for the fights. I find one and fasten my lock onto the handle. My breathing comes in long draws as I try to focus on nothing. I change into my shorts and remove my shirt. A wooden bench leans against the opposite wall. I skirt around the other fighters and situate myself on the far side, knowing that Trinity will show up soon.