A Cabinet Of Greek Curiosities

by J. C. McKeown

  When someone punched Socrates, his only reaction was to observe that it was a pity people didn’t know when they should wear a helmet when they went out (Seneca On Anger 3.11).

  Socratic enquiry, based on question and answer, requires a degree of cooperation from the person with whom Socrates is debating. It is not always forthcoming:

  When we had reached this point in the discussion, and it was obvious to everyone that the definition of justice had been completely reversed, Thrasymachus, instead of answering my question, said, “Tell me, Socrates, do you have a nurse?”

  “What do you mean?” I said. “Shouldn’t you be answering my question, rather than asking me things like that?”

  “I ask because she’s leaving you with a runny nose, instead of wiping the snot away.”

  (Plato Republic 343a)

  Socrates began to study lyre-playing at an advanced age, for he thought it better to learn that skill late rather than never (Valerius Maximus Memorable Deeds and Sayings 8.7 ext. 8).

  Some people say that Plato’s conception was particularly distinguished, since an image of Apollo had intercourse with his mother, Perictione. He was born on the same day of the month that the Athenians call Thargelion as Latona is said to have given birth to Apollo and Artemis on the island of Delos (Apuleius On Plato’s Teaching 1.1). For a slightly earlier dating for Artemis’s birthday, see p. 251.

  Plato was originally called Aristocles, but his name was changed by his trainer, the wrestler Ariston of Argos, on account of his stocky physique [πλατύς (platys) means “broad”]. But there are also those who attribute the nickname to the breadth of his style or to the breadth of his forehead. Some people also say that he wrestled at the Isthmian Games (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 3.4).

  I do not know if it is true, but here is a story that I have heard. They say that Plato, because he was so poor, was intending to go off to serve as a mercenary. But Socrates came upon him when he was buying weapons and dissuaded him from going by arguing with him about what was right and making him yearn for philosophy (Aelian Miscellaneous History 3.27).

  Antiphanes used to say as a joke that there is a city where it is so cold that words freeze as soon as they are spoken, and conversations that take place in winter can only be heard when the spring thaw comes. He said that likewise most people do not understand until old age what Plato tells them when they are young (Plutarch How to Assess One’s Progress in Virtue 79a).

  When Plato arrived in Syracuse, the tyrant Dionysius was gripped by a mad enthusiasm for philosophy, and the palace was full of people doing geometric calculations in the dust. But when Plato fell from favor, and Dionysius relapsed from philosophy into drinking and womanizing, all the geometers, as if transformed by some Circe, became ignorant, idle, and stupid (Plutarch On Flattery 52d).

  Although he had been so keen that Plato should visit him, Dionysius soon fell out with him, calling his arguments senile, and he sent him to Aegina to be sold as a slave. Anniceris of Cyrene bought him and sent him home to Athens. Plato’s friends there immediately tried to reimburse Anniceris, but he would not take their money, saying that it was not only the Athenians who were entitled to look after Plato. When Dionysius found out what happened to Plato, he wrote asking him not to speak ill of him, but Plato wrote back that he was too busy to think about him at all (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 3.19).

  It is said that Plato was very prosperous, for he received more than eighty talents from Dionysius of Syracuse (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 3.9).

  It is said that Aristotle received eight hundred talents from Alexander to support his research on animals (Athenaeus Wise Men at Dinner 398c).

  In the seventh book of his On Duty, Chrysippus [head of the Stoa in the mid-3rd century B.C.] says that a philosopher will be willing to turn three somersaults if he gets paid a talent for doing so (Plutarch On Contradictions in Stoicism 1047f).

  Plato criticized the Socratic philosopher Aristippus for buying a large number of fish. When Aristippus told him that they had cost only two obols, Plato said he would have bought them for that price. “So you see, Plato,” replied Aristippus, “it’s not that I’m a gourmet, but that you’re a miser” (Athenaeus Wise Men at Dinner 343d).

  Two of Aristippus’s now lost dialogues were entitled “A Response to Those Who Criticize Me for Spending Money on Old Wine and Prostitutes” and “A Response to Those Who Criticize Me for Spending Money on Gourmet Food” (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 2.84).

  Antisthenes, another of the followers of Socrates, fell out with Plato and wrote a dialogue attacking him, in which he changed Plato’s name to Sathon, a masculine proper name based on the rather coarse word σάθη (sathe), meaning “penis” (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 3.35).

  Philosophers say that, if Jupiter spoke Greek, he would speak like Plato (Cicero Brutus 121). Plato’s reputation as a stylist is enhanced by the contrast with Aristotle, whose Greek tends to be very unattractive.

  Even at the age of eighty, Plato did not stop combing, curling, and braiding his dialogues. Every philosopher knows about the loving care he took with them. The story about his writing tablet is especially familiar: after his death, the opening words of the Republic, “Yesterday I went down to Piraeus with Glaucon, the son of Ariston,” were found on it with all sorts of changes (Dionysius of Halicarnassus On Literary Composition 25). As befits their dialogue form, most of Plato’s works begin in this low-key manner; as Quintilian notes (Education of the Orator 8.6.64), it is the rhythm, not the content, of the sentence that he was aiming to perfect.

  When Diogenes the Cynic asked him for some wine, Plato sent him a whole jar full. Diogenes then said, “If someone asks you what two and two make, will you say twenty?” He also made fun of Plato for being an endless talker (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.26).

  When Diogenes asked him for a drachma, Alexander the Great replied, “Such a gift is unworthy of a king.” When Diogenes said, “Give me a talent then,” Alexander replied, “Such a request is unworthy of a Cynic philosopher” (Gnomologium Vaticanum 102).

  Diogenes used to go around the Ceramicus begging from the statues, and he’d tell those who wondered what he was doing that he was in training for meeting with refusals (Plutarch On Compliancy 531f).

  Diogenes used to say that most people are just a finger’s breadth away from insanity: if someone goes around with his middle finger stuck out, he is regarded as mad, but not if it is his little finger (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.35). For the middle finger as the “buggery” finger, see p. 65.

  Plato’s definition of man as “a two-footed creature without feathers” won great approval, so Diogenes plucked a rooster and brought it into the school, saying, “This is Plato’s man.” “With flat nails” was added to the definition (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.40).

  When Diogenes heard that Didymon the adulterer had been caught, he said, “He deserves to be hung by his name” (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.51; a pun on δίδυμοι [didymoi], literally “twins,” but playing here with the sense “testicles”).

  When Diogenes came to Myndus and saw that the gates were huge, though the city itself was very small, he cried out, “Myndians, close the gates, or your city will get away!” (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.57).

  Diogenes frequently masturbated in public and used to say, “How I wish I could relieve my hunger by rubbing my belly.” There are other stories told about him, but it would take a long time to record them, for there are a lot of them (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.69).

  The man from Stagira [i.e., Aristotle] was short and bald, a stammerer, lecherous, pot-bellied, and addicted to prostitutes (Anonymous Planudes’s Anthology 11).

  Aristotle was Plato’s most outstanding pupil. He had a lisp, scrawny legs, and small eyes. He used to wear flashy clothes and rings and tended his hair very carefully (Di
ogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 5.1).

  After wasting his inheritance, Aristotle went off to serve as a soldier. This did not work out well for him, so he turned to selling medicines. It was only when he overheard the arguments of philosophers, many of whom had less aptitude than he did, that he adopted the habits that he later displayed (Aelian Miscellaneous History 5.9).

  Here are the reasons for the first disagreement between Plato and Aristotle. Plato did not approve of Aristotle’s lifestyle, nor of the way he dressed. For Aristotle wore elaborate clothes and shoes, and he used to have his hair cut in a style that Plato found off-putting; he wore many rings and showed them off proudly; he had a sneering expression, and the inappropriately garrulous way he talked created a bad impression of his character. These traits are all unsuited to a philosopher—of course they are (Aelian Miscellaneous History 3.19).

  Plato used to call Aristotle “Colt.” What did he mean by that name? As everyone knows, a colt kicks its mother as soon as it has had enough milk. So Plato was hinting at a degree of ingratitude in Aristotle. When Aristotle had received from Plato the greatest seeds of philosophy and the greatest introduction to the discipline and was full up with the best things he had to offer, he pulled against the reins; taking his friends with him, he set up a different school and declared himself Plato’s rival (Aelian Miscellaneous History 4.9).

  Zeno does away with motion, declaring that “a thing that moves does not move either in the place where it is or in the place where it is not” (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 9.72).

  • At every instant during its flight an arrow occupies a space equal to itself.

  • If it occupies a space equal to itself, it must be motionless.

  • Therefore it is motionless at every instant during its flight.

  • Therefore it is at rest throughout the entire time of its flight.

  (Zeno’s Third Paradox)

  Here is an amusing story about Herophilus the physician. He was a contemporary of Diodorus, who was always expounding sophistic arguments, especially about movement. Diodorus dislocated his shoulder and came to Herophilus to have it seen to. Herophilus teased him very wittily: “Your shoulder was dislocated either in the place where it was or in the place where it wasn’t, but it can’t have been dislocated either in the place where it was or in the place where it wasn’t; therefore, it wasn’t dislocated.” Diodorus implored him to drop such arguments and give him the appropriate medical treatment (Sextus Empiricus Outlines of Pyrrhonism 245).

  When all his fellow-passengers had turned pale in a storm, Pyrrho, the founder of Skepticism, stayed calm and strengthened their spirits by pointing to a piglet on board that kept on eating steadily. “The wise man,” he said, “ought to be in such a serene state” (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 9.68).

  Pyrrho was chased up a tree by a dog. The bystanders laughed at him, and he said it was hard to lay aside one’s human nature (Aristocles of Messene frg. 4.26). He might have done better if he had just sat down; Aristotle claims that dogs do not bite those who act in that humble manner (Rhetoric 1380a).

  I congratulate you on coming to philosophy untainted by any education (Epicurus Letters frg. 43).

  Epicurus wrote: “I think that the ‘Heavy Groaners’ will even claim that I was a pupil of the ‘Jellyfish,’ and that I listened to his lectures along with young men suffering from a hangover.” In calling his teacher Nausiphanes a jellyfish, he implies that he was dull (Sextus Empiricus Against the Professors of Liberal Studies Preface).

  A law had been passed at Lyctus on Crete banishing anyone who adopted the effeminate, unworthy, and disgusting philosophical beliefs of the Epicureans and was hostile to the gods. If any such person was foolish enough to go there in contempt of the law’s provisions, he was to be bound in a pillory at the town hall for twenty days, with honey and milk poured over his naked body, to make him a feast for bees and flies. After the allotted time he was to be released and, if he was still alive, he was to be pushed over a cliff, dressed in women’s clothing (Aelian On Animals frg. 39).

  How powerful are we to imagine was the eloquence of the Cyrenaic philosopher Hegesias? He used to portray life’s ills so vividly that he sowed in the hearts of his audience a desire to commit suicide. That is why King Ptolemy banned him from lecturing on that subject anymore (Valerius Maximus Memorable Deeds and Sayings 8.9 ext. 3).

  Four men being stung by bees or hornets.

  Crates the Cynic was called “The Door-Opener” because he used to go into people’s houses at random and start giving advice. He also gave his daughter in marriage on a thirty-day trial (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 6.86, 6.95).

  We tend to think of philosophers strolling along engrossed in calm and quiet debate, but the manager of a nearby gymnasium once felt compelled to ask Carneades, the head of the Academy, to keep his voice down (Diogenes Laertius Lives of the Philosophers 4.63).

  How can a man find time to be a philosopher if he is tied to domestic duties? Doesn’t he have to provide little cloaks for his children, and send them off to their teacher with their little writing tablets, their writing instruments, and their notebooks, and prepare their beds for them as well? (Epictetus Discourses 3.22.74).

  Some of the philosophers in the Academy are so keen to puzzle those who discuss the comprehensible and the incomprehensible with them that they resort to such strange topics as whether it is possible for someone in Athens to smell eggs being cooked in Ephesus, and they debate whether they really are in the Academy discussing such things, and not actually lying at home in bed laying out their arguments in a dream (Polybius Histories 12.26).

  Aulus Gellius (Attic Nights 7.13) lists the following topics for discussion at the philosopher Taurus’s symposium:

  When does a dying person die? Is it when he is already in a state of death or when he is still alive?

  When does a person who gets to his feet get to his feet? Is it when he is already standing or when he is still sitting?

  When does a person learning an art become an artist? Is it when he already is one or when he is not yet one?

  He goes on to observe: Whichever of these two answers you give, what you say will be absurd and ridiculous, and it will be even more absurd if you say that both answers are correct or that neither of them is correct.

  If you really want to be a philosopher, brace yourself from the very start to endure mockery

  (Epictetus Enchiridion 22).

  XVII

  MATHEMATICS

  It has often happened that people have talked happily with me, because of my work among the sick, but when they discover that I am also an expert mathematician, they avoid me

  (Galen On the Uses of the Parts of the Body 10.14).

  “Geometry” is a quite ridiculous name for the discipline it denotes (Plato [?] Epinomis 990d).

  The flooding of the Nile repeatedly takes away and adds soil, altering the configuration of the landscape and hiding the markers that separate one person’s land from that of someone else. Measurements have to be made over and over again, and they say that this was the origin of geometry [literally “land measuring”], just as accounting and arithmetic started with the Phoenicians, through their interest in trading (Strabo Geography 17.1.3).

  Pythagoras was not vulgarly lavish when he sacrificed to the gods. He propitiated them with barley bread, cakes, frankincense, and myrrh. He scarcely ever offered an animal sacrifice, just the occasional rooster or a little pig. He did, however, sacrifice an ox when he discovered that the square on the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle is equal to the squares on the other two sides—but those who record this more accurately say that the ox was made of dough (Porphyry Life of Pythagoras 36).

  Hippocrates of Chios [one of the most important mathematicians of the 5th century B.C., not to be confused with his contemporary, Hippocrates of Cos, the great physician] was a merchant. He fell foul of a pirate ship and lost everything. He prosecuted the pirates
in Athens and, since the case required him to stay there for a long time, he went to listen to philosophers. He showed such a gift for geometry that he tried to find a formula for squaring the circle (Philoponus Commentaries on Aristotle’s Physics 16.31). Squaring the circle was a famous geometrical problem. It was not until 1882 that it was shown to be impossible to solve.

  The oracle of Apollo told the people of Delos that, to be freed from a plague, they should build him an altar twice the size of the existing one. The architects were at a loss how to construct a solid figure twice as big as another solid figure, so they went to Athens to consult Plato. He told them that the god did not really want an altar double in size; the purpose of the oracle was to censure the Greeks for neglecting mathematics and undervaluing geometry (Theon of Smyrna On the Usefulness of Mathematics in Reading Plato 2).

  We’ll study astronomy just as we study geometry, as a set of problems to solve, but we’ll ignore things that are actually in the sky if we mean really to get to grips with astronomy and to turn our natural intelligence to good use (Plato Republic 530b).

  Plato was once shipwrecked by a storm on the desolate shore of an unknown region. Everyone else was terrified by the unfamiliarity of the place, but he is said to have noticed some geometrical figures drawn in the sand and to have shouted to his companions to be cheerful, for he could see signs of humanity (Cicero Republic 1.29).