by G E Griffin
“Well, I must be the stupid one here then, because for me it has come to mean something else. You know, it’s not only women who get used, and I’ve grown tired of women only wanting me for a quick fuck. Trust me, I've become an expert on mindless sex since my divorce, and I’m telling you, what we shared was far more than that. And that’s because we’ve begun to actually care about each other. And I admit that I was stupid, very stupid, for not having the guts to open up and be more honest with you about what I felt was happening. So that’s why I’m here now. To set the record straight and tell you how I really feel.” This time he took both my hands firmly in his. “Look at me, Faith. Please.”
Reluctantly, I looked at his serious face.
“What the hell are you talking about, Caleb?” I frowned.
“Truth is, I’m in serious danger of falling completely in love with you. And I think, I hope anyhow, that maybe you could also be in serious danger of falling in love with me too. And I'm not gonna lie, just like you, these feelings scare the shit out of me.”
“Caleb…” I tried to interrupt and head him off, but he was having none of it.
“Would you please shut up for a minute, Faith? Just let me say what I came all the way over here to say - I think you at least owe me that after the way you sneaked out,” he insisted.
“Fine, if you must,” I rolled my eyes, thinking I'd get no peace until I’d let him get all this nonsense off his chest.
“You know, I had no intention of developing these kinds of feelings for you, but they just kind of snuck up on me. I guess that’s what happens when you enjoy every minute you spend with a person, when you can't wait to see them, and when you get goose bumps just at the thought of being with them again.”
What in hell was I supposed to say, when all this could possibly be was a passing infatuation for someone like him?
“Caleb, that’s all very well…”
“I haven’t finished yet. Not by a long shot,” he interrupted.
“Oh for pity’s sake,” I mumbled tetchily. “Guess you’re the one with verbal diarrhoea today.”
“Look, I get how you wouldn’t see me as any kind of a long term prospect, after the way I've acted since my divorce, the things I told you about not wanting to get involved. I get how you might struggle to believe I’m serious, and I’m not denying we both have deep-seated issues that make us wary of having any kind of a serious relationship again.”
“Yep. All true,” I agreed.
“But here’s the thing, Faith. We can't change the past, but the fact is we’re still both young and have our whole lives in front of us. Life is too short to miss grabbing a chance to be happy, so why not accept there’s nothing wrong with allowing ourselves some new dreams for the future?”
He finally paused to draw breath, and I took the opportunity to retrieve my hands from his tight grip.
“Am I allowed to speak now?” I scowled, as I folded my arms across my chest, maybe as some kind of unconscious barrier over my heart.
“Sure, you go right ahead with all your excuses and arguments. Bring it on. I’ve had plenty of time over the last week for reflection, so I'm ready for them.” Caleb leant back in his chair, and also folded his arms across his chest challengingly.
“I'm not saying it’s wrong to have dreams, Caleb, and of course we can't change the past. But it would be madness not to learn from it, surely you can accept that? We agreed from the outset it would only be sex between us. I made it absolutely clear that the prospect of love was not on the agenda. I couldn’t go through any of that again. Ever. So, as far as I'm concerned, all we shared was sex, nothing more. That’s it. End of. ”
My head was doing its best to protect what was left of my poor battered heart by overruling it, and ignoring the draw I felt to Caleb.
“No, I disagree, Faith. You’re in denial, that’s all. Things may have started out that way, but even though neither of us went looking for this, it has happened, whether you want it to or not. I have feelings for you, and you have feelings for me,” he calmly insisted.
“Okay, time to tell it how it really is, for you to face up to a few cold hard facts, Caleb. Yeah, okay, so we like each other enough for the sex to be pretty hot, but other than that, we’re not exactly a match made in heaven, are we? We live on opposite sides of the world and don't have anything in common. And you could have practically any woman you want, so why on earth would you be satisfied with someone as distinctly average as me?” I scoffed.
“Faith, you honestly have no idea what a natural beauty you are, how truly unique you are, do you?” Caleb sighed, as he leaned over and cupped my face with his big warm hands. “I guess that’s why you acted so out of character last night, thinking you needed to dress that way to attract some sleazy guy. Which, by the way, was incredibly stupid and I’m still very angry about you putting yourself at risk like that. Your friend Harriet was horrified about how things nearly turned out, too.”
“Harry? How do you know what she thinks?” I frowned.
“She stopped by last night, just after you passed out. Seems that low-life douche who was mauling you went back to her party, and started mouthing off about you, so she threw him out and then came down to check you were okay.”
“Oh, crap! I really hope I haven’t embarrassed her,” I cringed.
“For fuck’s sake, he’s the one who should be worried, not you!” Caleb exploded. “I was there don't forget, so I know he continued to assault you, even after you clearly told him to stop.”
“But after the way I dressed, the way I acted…”
“Makes no difference. There are never any exceptions. When a woman tells a man to stop, that’s what he has to do, no question, whatever the circumstances. But you were irresponsible, in allowing yourself to end up in such a fix,” he chided.
“Yeah, yeah, save the lecture. I’ll be more careful next time,” I muttered sullenly.
“I don't want there to be a next time, Faith. I don't want you seeing other guys, because I want you to be with me. That’s why I'm here, to tell you that I want us to try and work something out. When you cut me off, wouldn’t take my calls, or answer my emails, you left me no choice but to come over here to London to get things sorted out between us.”
“Sorry, but you’ve had a wasted journey. Not interested,” I stated flatly.
“You know, neither was I to start with. I certainly didn't set out to fall in love with you, but then I realized I was the happiest I could remember being for a very long time when I was with you, for all sorts of reasons. One being that we can talk about anything and everything. Do you know, I think I’ve talked to you more in the relatively short time we’ve spent together, than I did the whole time I was married to my ex-wife? You say we have nothing in common? Well, let me tell you, you are wrong. It was Cassie and I who had virtually nothing in common, I realize now. You and me, we can even talk about work, which was always a total no-go area with my ex, so I really appreciate having someone I can talk things through with. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you’re always interesting, never boring. So I found myself looking forward to seeing you every day, until it got to the point where I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you around anymore.”
It took all my resolve, but I had to be strong. I had to push Caleb away if I was going to come out of this intact.
“So we became friends. Big deal,” I said callously. “None of this matters, it’s irrelevant, because I’m not interested in having any kind of a relationship with anyone, including you.”
Caleb ran his fingers through his dark hair in exasperation.
“So what, you plan to shut off having any kind of feelings for anyone, for the rest of your life? You’re not prepared to even consider letting yourself fall in love again? Faith, I understand how hard it must have been after Drew died, but do you honestly think this is what he would have wanted for you?”
He stood up and went over to get the photo of Drew from the shelf, and put it down on t
he table in front of me.
“If it had been the other way round, if it had been Drew left on his own, would you really have wanted him to waste the rest of his life by shutting himself off from ever feeling anything again? Or would you have wanted him to live the rest of his life to the full, as a tribute to what you'd shared together?”
“Don't you dare bring Drew into this!” I yelled, my temper flaring now. This was way out of line, he’d definitely overstepped the mark now. “Don’t you fucking dare use him as an argument!”
“Ah, finally, some real emotion, Faith. Now we’re getting somewhere,” he replied with a determined glint in his eye.
“Don't do this, Caleb,” I warned. “Don't push me too far, because you have no idea what you're getting into, what you’re unleashing.”
“Bring it on, Faith. I can handle it, because I figure you can't start the next chapter of your life while you remain stuck in the past. So you have to face this in order to be brave enough to move on, however painful it is.”
“I don't want to have to be brave again. I barely survived after losing Drew, and I couldn’t survive anything like that ever again,” I shouted. “Don't you see? Don’t you get it? Bottom line is that no one can promise not to leave me again. No one can promise not to get themselves killed. Drew knew how much I worried about him riding his motorbike, but that didn't stop him going out and getting himself killed on it, did it? He left me, all because he loved riding that fucking bike of his more than he loved me. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with love. I don't want anything more to do with it, because all love does is suck the life out of you. That’s what happened when Drew died, so don't bother wasting your time trying to convince me that love is a force for good, Caleb.”
I slammed the photo of Drew back face-down on the table, because I couldn’t bear to see his happy face smiling back at me, as I vented the secret, guilty, toxic resentment that I’d held hidden deep inside for so long, festering and refusing to heal and allow acceptance of what had happened.
“Now we’re getting to the bottom of it. You're angry with Drew?” Caleb asked quietly.
“Yeah, damn right I’m angry with him. Fucking furious, actually. He ruined everything, all the plans we’d made for our future together. Gone. We had it so good, but he had to go and throw it all away. I loved him so much, but now I’m left on my own without him for the rest of my days. He knew he was risking his life every time he rode his bike, but that didn't stop him, did it? He obviously didn't think about the consequences, so he couldn’t have loved me that much if he never thought about how I'd cope without him, even though he knew he meant everything to me, that he was my whole world. The choices he made took away our future.” I let my fury pour out, never before having allowed myself to vocalise my bitter resentment at losing the perfect life we'd had mapped out in front of us.
“I get where you're coming from, but what happened was just a terrible accident that Drew couldn’t possibly have foreseen, Faith. Life is full of risks, and no one can ever predict what might or might not happen. None of it means that Drew didn't love you just as much as you loved him. And who knows, he might still have been killed that day, even if he’d been driving a car rather than a bike,” Caleb calmly reasoned, seemingly unshocked by my vitriolic outburst.
“Whatever. All I know is I'm not going down that route ever again, because I found out the hard way that love is a cruel and vicious drug. And now I’ve gone cold turkey, gone through all the excruciating pain of withdrawal, I'm not allowing myself to become addicted again.” I insisted.
“Trust me, I know only too well how much love can hurt, how painful it can be. But ask yourself what kind of a life you’re going to have without it? If you're not prepared to take a risk on finding love and happiness again, well then you might as well have died alongside Drew that day,” Caleb hit back.
“That’s a harsh thing to say,” I told him. “But yeah, you know what? I suppose part of me did die that day anyway - the part of me that’s capable of love.”
“See, here’s where I think you’re being less than honest, even with yourself maybe. I know you have feelings for me, however much you may be in denial about it, because I’ve seen it in your eyes when we’ve been making love, when we’ve been laughing, been happy and relaxed together. Your feelings reflecting my feelings. But you're just too scared to face up to the truth and be honest with yourself. And I get why, truly I do. But you can't spend the rest of your life numb, always running away because you're scared shitless of having feelings.”
“Says who? As far as I'm concerned, being numb is by far the best option, compared to the pain of allowing yourself to feel again,” I said adamantly.
Caleb heaved a huge sigh.
“You know what? I can't deny that we could both end up getting hurt again, because I admit that even if I can persuade you to let yourself fall in love again, there are no guarantees it’ll work out.”
“Exactly!”
“But I still think it’s worth taking a gamble on, because what's happened to you only proves that you should live your life to the full and not waste a second of it. Try being positive for a change, and just allow yourself to imagine how great things could be, instead of how bad. Look, I know I'm not Drew, and I know I could never replace him…”
“Yeah, just as I’m nothing like Cassie, as in nowhere near as gorgeous as her, from what little you’ve told me about your ex,” I pointed out, grabbing the chance to turn the conversation in a new direction.
“Yeah, I grant you at first glance Cassie appears superficially attractive,” Caleb agreed. “But as soon as you scrape the surface, you discover she’s one big fat lie. Fake tan, fake hair extensions, fake nails - there’s nothing natural about Cassie. She even had a nose job, although it still didn’t give her one as cute as yours.” He reached over and tweaked my nose. “But looking back, I’m not proud to admit that originally I was just as shallow as she was, in that I picked Cassie purely on her looks - we really had nothing in common, no shared sense of humour, nothing to talk about at all. She said I never listened to her, but that was because I found her conversation shallow and inane, so she bored me rigid. And it was mutual. She never found anything I did or said of interest either.”
“That’s sad, Caleb. Such a waste.”
“Yeah, you could say that. But my wise Momma told me that no relationship is ever a waste of time, because even if it doesn’t bring you what you want, it teaches you what’s important for next time. So after acting like a dick for the last couple of years, I’m done with all the mindless, meaningless sex. Instead, I want what we shared. Making love with someone I care about. And I know you felt the way we connected, because I saw it in your eyes. However hard you try to deny it, you know that’s why it was so good between us.”
“Caleb, I don't deny the sex was really good between us, but…” I tried to stop him, but he wasn’t about to shut up.
“Let me finish. It’s not just the great sex, Faith, although that is pretty amazing. It’s much, much more than that. In the few short weeks we’ve known each other, you and I have talked endlessly about all kinds of things, we’ve laughed and joked and shared opinions. We became good friends, which turned out to be the perfect basis for things to develop from. Being friends meant I discovered that you're fun, you're stimulating, and you have a great mind, and before I knew it, I found myself wanting to be with you more and more, and really missing you when I didn't have you to talk to. That’s how I worked out that I was falling for you. What we’ve shared, what we have together, I never had anything like that with Cassie, so I don't think we ever really loved each other, although at the time I guess we thought we did.”
“That’s all very well Caleb, but none of this makes any difference. It wouldn’t work between us. I’m not capable of giving what you seem to think you want from me. You’re wasting your time, so you should go back to America, forget about me and put all this behind you,” I stated. “You deserve better.”
<
br /> “You are my better, don't you see that, Faith? I believe you are exactly what I want and what I need. And I think maybe we really could have it all, if you could only let yourself believe it’s possible. I’m not saying you have to forget about Drew, I would never expect that. He’d be part of the deal, you wouldn’t have to shut out your memories of him, because he’s part of who you are, and I respect what you had together.”
“Caleb, that’s a really nice thing to say, and I wish I could give you what you want, but I just can't,” I closed my eyes as I heaved a big sigh, growing tired of trying to convince Caleb to give up these foolish notions.
“So you would shut the door on the chance to have someone to grow old with? You don't want to be that old couple walking along holding hands, still in love? See, I think that could be what we’re looking at, if you would only give us a chance. The whole rest of our lives deal. I know it’s early days, and I know nothing ever comes with cast iron guarantees, but I'm willing to take the chance, to see if we can make this work and potentially have some kind of a future together,” he still persisted.
“I…I… don't know what more I can say to you, Caleb.” It felt as if he were dangling some priceless treasure in front of me, to wear me down and tempt me. What he was offering sounded so good, and I was so tired of being on my own, but I knew there had to be a catch. There always was, so I couldn’t let myself weaken and relent.
“Dammit Faith, stop freezing me out, because truth is, I’ve even found myself thinking about having kids with you, even though I know it’s far too soon to be thinking about such things. But I just can't help thinking how we would make really beautiful babies together.” As he tenderly stroked my cheek with his finger, I couldn’t hold it together any longer, and the floodgates burst.
“Stop it, that’s enough! Don't you dare talk so casually about having babies, just like that. It’s not fair. You can't just drop that into the equation. I can't do this, I'm not listening to you anymore.”
I jumped up and ran into the bedroom, tears coursing down my cheeks as I flung myself down on the bed and sobbed. I’d always desperately wanted babies of my own, but I’d been forced to accept that dream had gone, along with Drew, and all my future held was being a doting aunt to my sister’s children.