All Shook Up

by Annalisa Daughety

  He wanted to reach out to her but stopped himself. The fire in her eyes told him that she didn’t want to be touched, especially by him. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been tough on you.” He sighed. “But at least your dad is still alive.”

  Her eyes flashed. “You really have a knack for saying the wrong thing, don’t you?”

  Nick raked his fingers through his hair. What had he said? “It’s the truth. I just mean that at least your dad is still around.”

  She shook her head. “You don’t get it. This is not a competition. We’re not competing to see which of us has had the worst experience. What you went through was awful. I can’t imagine losing your family like that. And what I went through was awful, too. A different kind of awful. My dad chose to leave me. He chooses every day to not be part of my life. The experiences you and I have gone through are both horrible, but this isn’t a competition.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I think you should just leave.”

  “Just like that.”

  She nodded. “Just like that. We aren’t going to see eye to eye on anything right now. I just want to get in bed and hope that tomorrow brings good news about Charlie. And I’m going to hang on to that glimmer of hope until I have a reason not to.” She opened the front door.

  Nick brushed past her. This day had started out with a lot of promise. And had ended terribly. “Please call me tomorrow and let me know how Charlie is doing,” he said softly.

  She nodded.

  He walked out to his grandmother’s Lexus and headed toward Germantown. He hadn’t meant to upset her and then continue to upset her. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut. You’re really on a roll.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Suzanne hadn’t slept at all last night. She’d sat up worrying about Charlie and thinking about Nick and what he’d shared about his family’s accident. She hadn’t wanted to argue with him. And from the expression on his face, she was nearly certain he hadn’t wanted to be in an argument either.

  She poured a cup of coffee and shuffled into the living room. She’d already called her office to let them know she was taking a personal day today. She rarely took a day off but felt like the events of yesterday and the possibility of today justified it. She glanced at the wall clock. The vet’s office should be opening now. She turned her phone over and over in her hand. Once she called, there was no turning back. Right now, at this moment, she could believe the best. But once she placed the call, the news could be devastating.

  It was like that country song—she couldn’t remember who sang it—about the guy who wished he didn’t know now what he didn’t know then. Once you found out the truth about something, there was no undoing it. You had to deal with the news. She sighed and leaned against the couch.

  If Charlie hadn’t made it through the night, she would be devastated. The pain would be horrible. But she would move forward, and eventually she would probably get another pet. The new pet wouldn’t take Charlie’s place but would find its own place in her life. And she’d have a decade of memories of Charlie.

  Armed with that resolve, she hit the button and dialed the vet’s office.

  Busy.

  “Great.” She paced the length of the living room. She’d give it a minute and call again.

  The doorbell rang.

  Suzanne peeked through the peephole. Nick stood on the other side of the door.

  She cracked the door. “What are you doing here?” She hadn’t expected to see him today. After the way she’d acted yesterday, she’d figured he might need some space.

  The dark circles under his eyes told her he hadn’t slept any better than she had. “Can I come inside?”

  She nodded. “Of course.”

  He stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

  Suzanne spoke first. “Sorry about yesterday. I know I probably wasn’t very sympathetic about your parents and brother. I’m very sorry for all that you’ve gone through.”

  Nick pressed his lips together. “It was the wrong time to drop that bomb on you. You were already processing enough without me adding to it.” His face brightened. “But I have good news for you. I just dropped by Eastgate and spoke to the vet. Charlie is still hanging in there. The vet is pleased.”

  She widened her eyes. “You did? He is?” Relief washed over her. The knot that had twisted her stomach since yesterday afternoon started to unravel.

  “I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t think you should be alone if it was bad news, and then when it was good news. . .I wanted to come by and tell you myself.” He flashed her a small smile. “The vet said he’s doing much better today and that if you want to come by and see him later that will be fine. He’ll have to stay there for a few more days though.”

  “Of course.” Suzanne suddenly realized that she must look awful. She hadn’t even glanced in a mirror this morning, and her yoga pants and T-shirt wouldn’t win her any awards. But she knew Nick didn’t care.

  He cleared his throat. “I want to explain a few things to you if that’s okay.”

  She nodded. “Have a seat.”

  They settled down on the couch, and she clutched her coffee.

  “When I was in high school, I was really good at football,” he started. “I had scouts looking at me from the time I was a freshman. I was the quarterback for our team, just like my dad had been.”

  She set her coffee down on the coffee table and met his eyes. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I need to. I want you to know the whole story.”

  She nodded.

  He drew a deep breath. “My parents were so proud, especially Dad. He’d blown out his knee his senior year and never played college ball. So I guess he always thought I’d get to live out his dream.” He shrugged. “Of course, it was my dream, too.”

  She’d been able to tell he was athletic from the moment they met, so his story made sense.

  “My brother, Austin, was two years younger than me. We were best friends, but he’d always looked up to me, you know? My junior year had just started, and he was a freshman. It was the Friday night of our game against our biggest in-town rivals.” He pressed his lips together as if gathering strength. “I guess Austin had gotten in my bag of gear and had taken out my jersey. He was probably wearing it around. He did that sometimes. But that time, he forgot to put it back in my bag.”

  She could see where this was going and didn’t want to know the rest. The pain in his eyes was so great, she didn’t want to have to hear him speak the words. But she knew he had to say them.

  “I got to the locker room and realized I didn’t have my jersey. I was so hyped up. I’d been looking forward to that game since the previous season when they’d beaten us. Plus there was going to be a scout there from the University of Alabama. That’s where I wanted to play.”

  She’d played sports growing up, so she knew how it felt just before a big game.

  “I was so mad. I called home and Austin answered. I let him have it about my jersey, and when he put Mom on the phone, I argued with her, too, and she told me I’d have to just start out wearing one that was at school and change at halftime. She said there was no way she’d have time to bring my jersey to me before we started warm ups because she was making snacks for the team’s after-game party.” He shook his head. “I wanted that one though, because it was my lucky jersey. I’d won the past two games wearing it, and I didn’t want to take a chance. But I went ahead and put the other one on and started warming up.” He picked up the remote from the coffee table and began turning it over and over in his hands. “I guess Mom felt bad because all three of them loaded up in Dad’s car to bring the jersey in time for me to change for game time. They were going through the stoplight at Park and Ridgeway when a drunk driver hit them. The guy didn’t even try to stop. He just plowed into them.” He wiped his eyes. “Dad was driving and was killed instantly. Mom and Austin were rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Both were unconscious.”

  Suzanne let out a breath she
hadn’t realized she was holding. “Nick, I’m so sorry.”

  He nodded, but continued. “My grandmother found out first and called my coach. She insisted that no one tell me. She wanted me to have one more night of normalcy before I learned the news. Plus there was nothing I could do at that point. It wasn’t like any of them would even know I was there.” He put the remote back in its spot. “We won the game. It was the last time I remember being totally whole. As soon as the clock ticked down and we celebrated at mid-field, my coach came and told me to go get in his car instead of going to the locker room. He broke the news and took me straight to the hospital where my grandparents were waiting.”

  “Your grandparents?” She’d only heard him speak of his grandmother up until this point.

  He nodded. “My grandfather was in poor health at the time. He didn’t last much longer. Dad was an only child, and the two of them were great friends. I think it was just too much for him to take.” He sighed. “Anyway, by the time I made it to the hospital, Mom had died in surgery. Austin was on life support, but there wasn’t any brain activity. He died two days later.”

  “You blamed yourself,” she said quietly. She could see it on his face.

  He nodded. “How could I not? I was such a brat thinking I was some hotshot football star who was invincible. If I’d just been mature and not made a big deal about Austin wearing my jersey none of it would’ve happened.”

  She reached over and took his hand. “You were as mature as any other kid in high school. You were just a kid. It wasn’t your fault.” She shook her head. “You know that now, right?”

  He shrugged. “I was selfish. And that selfishness impacted my whole family, my whole life. I moved in with my grandparents and never stepped foot on the football field again. My coach thought I’d come back for my senior season, but I didn’t have the heart. It had been something Dad and I shared, and without him I didn’t want to experience it anymore.”

  “And all that is why you haven’t been back to Memphis.”

  Nick nodded. “I kept thinking if I could just get far enough away, I’d forget. But the memories catch up eventually, no matter what city I’m in. I’ll be in Los Angeles and a show will come on TV that’s set in Memphis. Or I’ll be in Chicago and I’ll hear a snippet of Elvis. Even overseas, I’ll see a father and son throwing a football in the park.” He shook his head. “You can run from your past, but you can’t hide.”

  “You’re right. You can try, but you won’t succeed.” How many years had she spent running from the ghost of her parents’ marriage? And how close had she come to allowing that to control the rest of her life? “I’m glad you told me the whole story. It helps me to understand you better.”A dull ache spread through Suzanne’s chest. She feared that no matter how well she understood him or how close she got to him, it wouldn’t be enough. Even though he might attempt to face his past, that didn’t mean he would be able to change the man he’d turned into.

  Nick may never want to have a real relationship with anyone.

  Including her.

  ***

  Nick felt as though a huge weight had lifted from his shoulders. “You’re the only person I’ve ever told that story to, which is why it came as somewhat of a surprise yesterday when I blurted it out. I’ve traveled all over the world and when pressed, I just say that my family was killed in an accident. I’ve never gone into detail until now, with you.” He squeezed her hand. “Thank you for letting me unload on you.” She probably didn’t realize it, but the fact that he felt comfortable enough to open up to her was huge for him. It made him happy and terrified him at the same time.

  “I’m glad you told me. I know that talking about painful things from the past isn’t easy, especially for people like us who seem to internalize everything.”

  He nodded. They were similar in that way. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to give you the impression that I was trying to compete with you over who’d had the most traumatic childhood.” He sighed. “We all have our own burdens to bear I guess. I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for you when your dad left.”

  Suzanne nodded. “It hurt then, and it hurts now. I’ve finally accepted that no matter how old I am, the fact that my own father didn’t love me enough to stick around or stay in touch with me will always cause me pain.”

  “I don’t even know how you begin to deal with that.”

  She shook her head. “My grandpa really stepped up. He did all the stuff a dad was supposed to do. Moved me into the college dorm. Made sure the oil in my car got changed. Grilled my prom date.” She gave him a tiny smile. “So it wasn’t like my life was all bad. I had people around who loved me. But I guess I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with me, you know? I always wondered if I’d been different—prettier, smarter, a better athlete—if my dad would’ve stuck around.”

  Nick traced his fingers along the back of her hand. Her hands were so soft and smooth. “He doesn’t know what he missed. If he did, he’d spend his life trying to make it up to you.”

  Suzanne shrugged. “Maybe. Or maybe he just wasn’t cut out to be a dad. I think that’s been part of my problem. If my mom was that wrong when she chose a man to marry, then how in the world do I think I’ll do any better?”

  “So it’s easier for you to not let yourself risk that kind of potential situation.”

  She nodded. “Exactly.”

  “And now?”

  “I keep thinking back to that verse that’s on my refrigerator. Sometimes I think maybe I’m too stubborn. I spend a lot of time trying to plan my life my way and never consider whether there’s a bigger plan for me. I haven’t done a great job of trusting that the Lord really has a plan for me. I say it, but there have been times I haven’t believed it. I’ve felt like I was drifting aimlessly without realizing that maybe I wasn’t drifting. Maybe I was actually headed in the direction I was supposed to go.” She shrugged. “Does that seem crazy?”

  “Not at all.” He knew exactly where she was coming from. He’d spent a lot of time lately pondering God’s plan for his own life, too. Sometimes it seemed so clear and then other times. . .not so much. “I think the best thing to do is pray that the path for you will be clear. At least that’s what I’ve started doing.” He stood. “I doubt you got much sleep last night. I know I didn’t. I’m going to get out of here and let you take a nap before you go see Charlie.”

  She rose and walked him to the door. “Thanks for coming over. And for being so honest about everything.”

  “It’s the best policy.” He grinned. “Even though it’s not always the easiest.”

  Suzanne offered him a tiny smile. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “Call me later and tell me how the little guy is doing, okay?”

  She nodded.

  He hesitated, then lightly brushed her lips with his. Although sharing his story with her had given him a sense of relief, he couldn’t help but wish he’d kept it to himself. Because the closer he let her get, the harder it would be to leave. And with his grandmother’s surgery at the end of the week, his departure was imminent.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Nick paced the hallway at the hospital. It seemed like it had been a long time since his grandmother was wheeled into surgery. Aside from some distant cousins and a great aunt, she was the only family he had left in the world. He couldn’t lose her. Even when he was in some far-off place, he never felt alone because he knew his grandmother was just a phone call away.

  He’d tried to get Suzanne to prepare for the worst the other day about Charlie so she wouldn’t have to deal with any more pain than necessary. But today he realized how important it was to have hope. Because otherwise, a time like this would be unbearable. He’d never understood how people who weren’t believers got through times like these. He’d been praying almost non-stop, and it was such a comfort. But the people who dealt with a crisis like this and didn’t rely on faith and didn’t ask for prayers…how hopeless that must feel.

/>   “Nick!”

  He looked up to see Thomas St. Claire hurrying toward him. Grandmother had made sure Mr. St. Claire knew when her procedure was scheduled. She’d said it was for the extra prayers, but Nick suspected it comforted her to know he was there.

  “Sorry I’m late. Traffic is terrible. Is Madelyn already in surgery?” His bushy gray eyebrows met above his nose.

  Nick nodded and peered at his watch. “They took her back about thirty minutes ago.” It seemed like three times that long.

  “Was she upset that I wasn’t here? Or did she even realize it?” Mr. St. Claire asked worriedly.

  “I didn’t get the chance to see her either. They were already prepping her when I got here.” He smiled at the older man. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

  Mr. St. Claire nodded. “I’ll keep praying though, just in case.” He sat down in one of the waiting room chairs and cupped his head in his hands.

  “There you are,” a voice called from down the corridor.

  Nick looked up to see Suzanne hurrying toward him. “What are you doing here?” he asked once she’d made her way to him. He hadn’t seen her since the day he told her the truth about his parents and brother. They’d spoken on the phone, but he’d come up with an excuse why he couldn’t get together. After years of keeping people at a safe distance, he felt overwhelmed by their growing relationship.

  She smiled. “Just here to offer my moral support. I took off a little early so I could be here for you.” She sat down next to him.

  He stiffened. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy to see her, but he certainly didn’t want to get accustomed to having her next to him in situations like this. He needed to deal with his grandmother’s surgery on his own. “There’s nothing to be done here but wait.”

  She reached over and clutched his arm. “I can wait with you.”

  He sighed. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I know I don’t have to. But I thought you might want the company.”