No Direction Home (Sweet Home Colorado)

by Jude Willhoff

  “Okay, we’ll talk tomorrow.” Cindy hugged Grace for a moment and stepped back.

  Turning, Grace bumped into Jenna. “Good night, Jenna, it was a pleasure meeting you. I love to read so I’ll come see you at your book store.” Grace waved at Jenna. “See you all later.”

  “Looking forward to it. I’m there most of the time.” Jenna returned Grace’s friendly smile.

  Seth held her arm as he guided her across the dance floor, through the crowd and out the door. The strange surge of protective affection he felt toward her both surprised and excited him when he held her hand leading her out the door.

  ***

  Flutters erupted in the pit of Grace’s stomach when she thought about being alone with Seth, watching the stars. On the way to the car, she let him hold her hand, listening to him speak in a low husky tone.

  “Sure was crowded in there.” He inhaled a gulp of fresh air as soon as they stepped outside. “That many people gets to me after awhile.”

  “I don’t like crowds either but it was fun.” Grace smiled as they walked into the parking lot.

  He guided her through the parked cars to his truck. “Now, don’t you mind the appearance of Old Betsy? She doesn’t look so good these days, but she won’t leave me stranded in a snow drift and she keeps me warm.”

  Her mouth twitched with amusement. It didn’t matter. She would walk if it meant being with Seth. “Why, Old Betsy is fine, but I hope you’re right about keeping us warm.” She could see her breath on the cold night air as she pulled her coat tighter.

  Opening the door for her, he helped her in the cab, and came around to the other side to get in the truck. “The engine will warm up in a minute and I can turn up the heat.” The truck started with the first turn of the key.

  “I bet you feel the cold more, coming from the sandy beaches of California.” He glanced at her, teasing her. “Are you warm enough?”

  “I’m okay. I like the cold. I always missed the seasons.” She snuggled deeper into her coat while he backed out of the parking lot.

  The truck moved through the quiet, deserted streets of Cedar Falls. “It’s starting to get warm.” He held his hand in front of the heater. “Do you feel the heat?” He glanced over at her.

  “Not yet.” She put out her cold hand to the vent in front of her. Nothing was coming out. “It’s not working.”

  He held his hand to the opening in the middle of the dash. “Here, slide over to the middle of the seat. All the hot air is coming out of this side.” He hesitated. “Come on, I won’t bite you. It’s warmer over here.”

  She slid across the short distance to his side, brushing against his thigh, causing her body to vibrate with new life. “It’s warmer here. Thanks.” Sitting next to him, she couldn’t stop herself from pondering what it would be like if Seth wasn’t a criminal, if he wasn’t acting a part.

  “Tell me about LA. Did you like it there?”

  “For a while.” She sighed and continued. “I had a great house and a wonderful flower garden. I loved working in my garden, until I became ill. Then everything fell apart, including me.” She shivered from the memory. “It was rough for a while, but I made it.” She had been trapped in a useless body racked with pain with no way out.

  “I’ve been in a similar situation. Everything is going great and then someone flips a switch and your life goes down the tubes.” He gripped the steering wheel tighter. “The place I was telling you about is right up ahead. It’s a plateau where the whole valley opens up and it feels like you’re sitting on top of the world.”

  She heard the traces of longing in his voice. “Is it located on the ranch?” She thought she knew the place. It sounded like where she used to go to think things through when she was growing up.

  “Yeah, it sits at the edge of the back forty. It’d be a perfect spot for someone to build a home. The views are incredible, yet it has easy access to the road.” He sighed, glancing out the window. “Jamie and I rode out here on our horses last spring. The blue Columbines and orange Paintbrush flowers were blooming all over the hills and in the valley. She liked the view and the flowers.”

  The stars shone brightly high above the mountains, with one racing across the sky in a blaze of glory as Seth parked the truck overlooking the valley. Grace scooted forward in the seat pointing at the sky. “Oh, look, a shooting star. Make a wish.” She watched the western sky and closed her eyes, wishing for better health and a child of her own.

  “It’s a perfect spot.” A sense of peace came over her while she took in the magnificent site. It had been many years since she had been here, but this was where she used to come as a child. The sky held a patchwork of twinkling stars high above the mountain peaks but from this location they felt close enough to where she could almost reach out and touch them. “I had forgotten how beautiful it is out here at night. We take so much for granted in our daily lives.”

  “Yes, people have a tendency to do that when they're working too hard, caught up in the day-to-day make a living world, pushing from one place to the next.” He waved his hand in the air expressing his opinion. “That’s one of the main reasons I like ranching. I always have time for my little girl and I can enjoy being close to the beautiful things God has put on this earth for us to appreciate.”

  “You believe in God?” For some reason this caught her off guard. She hadn’t pictured Seth a believer. She really didn’t know this man, but she somehow knew she was safe with him. At this moment in time she couldn’t believe he was a criminal. The man was good.

  He put his arm across the back of the seat, resting lightly behind Grace’s shoulders. “Yes, I believe in a higher being. I don’t go to church every Sunday and I don’t push it down anybody’s throat, but I believe.” He relaxed against her while he gazed at the stars. “How about you?”

  “Oh, yes, I believe. Without my faith, I probably wouldn’t be here now.” She laid her head against his shoulder looking for the big dipper.

  “How’s that?” He turned toward her. “If you don't mind telling me, what happened to your back?”

  Pleased, she could see the concern shimmering in his eyes from the light of the full moon. He wanted to know about her. “It’s a long story, but I’ll try to make it short.” She snuggled closer to the warmth of his body heat. “When I became ill, everything fell apart.” Her heart clenched when she remembered being diagnosed. It was a terrible lonely time for her. “It started out with a low backache that never went away and within six months the pain was so bad, I couldn’t work, walk or care for myself.” She sighed. “Then I was stuck in a nursing home.”

  He reached for her hand and held it snugly against his coat. “What caused your pain?” Recalling the ecstasy of being held against his strong body when she tripped over her suitcases, she enjoyed the warmth of his hand enclosing hers.

  Other than doctors, this was the first prolonged contact she’d had with a man in years. She’d forgotten what a wonderful thing it could be and went with the moment. “Eventually, they diagnosed me with an incurable progressive disease of the spinal cord called Arachnoiditis.”

  “Arachnoiditis? Sounds like spiders. I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

  She laughed. “Most people haven’t—I hadn’t either. Once I found out what was wrong with me, I tried to find out what was in store for me.” She tensed at the recollection. “It wasn’t pleasant news. First of all, it was hard to find anything about the disease, because it’s so rare.”

  “What is it?” he asked.

  She gazed into his eyes that were a startling blue, as blue as the summer sky and relayed her story. “It’s an inflammation in the spinal cord which causes clumping of the nerve roots which results in chronic pain—constant excruciating pain that never goes away and only gets worse over time.”

  He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it. The man was gentle, warm and tender. Someone she could easily confide in. He made her feel safe and secure. Was this all part of a game? How could h
e be an ex-con? At the moment she didn’t care. She leaned back in his arms, relaxing and soaking up the sensations. “The strange thing is there are over eighty-six million people suffering with chronic pain and nobody talks about it.”

  “That’s amazing.” He held her close. “How did you get back on your feet?”

  “As time went by, the pain became worse. I was trapped in a useless body depending on heavy duty drugs to survive,” she added with a slight smile of defiance and plunged on. “My ex-husband put me in a nursing home and left me for another woman.” She glanced at the stars and drew a deep breath and forbade herself to tremble at the memory.

  “That’s where I became hooked on morphine.” She lifted her chin, meeting his gaze straight on. “I hated the drugs the doctors made me take, but I had no choice. The pain in my back and up and down my hips and legs was excruciating, unbearable.” He squeezed her hand instantly giving her courage to go on. “The drugs didn’t stop the pain, but they took the edge off so I could tolerate living with it.”

  She couldn't believe she was giving him all this personal information, but he was easy to confide in and seemed to want to know. And she wanted to lay her cards on the table—if they were to be friends, he needed to know what he was getting into. Could they be friends?

  “You’ve been through a lot.” He squeezed her hand tighter. “I wish I could’ve been there to help you. I know Nana was worried sick about you, but she didn’t go into any detail about what you were going through.”

  “I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want anyone to know my life had fallen apart. Nana had just been widowed and I didn’t want to cause her more pain.” It had been a pride thing and she had carried the hurt alone, deep in her soul. She clenched her jaw to kill the sob in her throat. The memory still had the power to inflict emotional pain. “Cindy and Nana kept in touch, but I couldn’t reach out to them until much later.” She sighed.

  “Then what happened?” He asked with concern ringing in his voice as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to his side keeping her warm.

  “I had lost my husband, my work, and worst of all my independence. I was literally an invalid, a lost soul in pain. My days consisted of staring at the ceiling and asking ‘why me?’ Before I went into the nursing home I even considered suicide.” She gasped. She had never told anyone her secret shame.

  She remembered holding a bottle of pain pills in her hand, debating whether to take them all and end the suffering. But instead, she prayed for help and got it. God had brought Dr. Brown to help her. She rediscovered her faith and was able to move on. “That’s when I found my faith in God.”

  “Thank goodness. I don’t know what I’d do in a situation like that.” He tightened his grasp and hugged her to him. "I'm so sorry for all you've been through."

  She pushed him back, her smile steady and her voice gentle. “Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I could handle the pain, but I couldn’t handle the pity I saw in people’s eyes when they looked at me.”

  “I’m not feeling sorry for you. I’m empathizing with you. I know pain, not the kind you experienced, but pain. It hits us all where we live, here in our heart.” He recaptured her hand and pulled it to his chest. She could feel his steady heartbeat under her palm. She became instantly fully aware of her surroundings and her closeness to Seth.

  “Go on. Tell me the rest. You don’t look like you're in much pain these days. How did you get from there to here?”

  Glancing at his face, she could see he was actually interested and really wanted to know. She could no longer deny herself his touch as she relaxed in his arms. “Looks can be deceiving.” She clinched her hand in her coat pocket.

  “I prayed, night and day, day and night. Because of the drugs, it was getting to the point where I couldn’t remember anything. Someone would talk to me and five minutes later I couldn’t remember what they said.”

  A tear slid down her cheek at the realization at how far she had fallen. She brushed it away with her fingertips before Seth could see it. She swallowed and continued. “The life was being sucked out of me. I had to fight back some way, so I started writing in my journal. It saved my sanity.” While she spoke it dawned on her, writing had saved her life. Maybe if she wrote a book about her experience it could help those people still suffering.

  He squeezed her hand encouraging her to continue. He seemed to be a caring person really wanting to hear her story. Criminal or not, just to be able to open up and talk about her problems with another person was doing wonders for her. The thought barely crossed her mind before another followed. Maybe he was innocent.

  “Tell me the rest.” He urged her to keep talking.

  “One day, a doctor from a rehabilitation center came to see me. He had heard about me from one of my regular pain management doctors and said there was help for someone like me and told me about the Medtronic Spinal Cord Implant. He said I was a perfect candidate for the procedure.” She’d never forget that day. Out of the darkness a small glimmer of hope had appeared.

  “Though it required me to get off the drugs and have back surgery, I agreed. I didn’t know how I would stand the pain without the drugs, but this was my last chance at living a somewhat normal life. I had to try."

  Seth eased his arm around her shoulders. “You’ve been through a lot. Was anyone there to help you during this time?” “Dr. Brown, my neurologist and the pain management rehabilitation team gave me my life back. After our talk, they had me transferred to the rehabilitation center the same day. Eight weeks later, I was off the drugs and had the surgery. Those people saved my life. They brought me back from a very dark place and gave me another chance.” She sighed. “The pain never leaves me, but now, I control it with lifestyle changes instead of it controlling me.”

  “You’re an amazing woman.” He leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

  Her heart swelled with a feeling she had thought long dead and she smiled. His tenderness touched her. “Me? Amazing? Not hardly, but the technology is something else. I thank God every day for the doctors and scientists who created the spinal cord implant.”

  “Yes, you—not the technology—are simply amazing. You were the strong one, going through that by yourself. What was wrong with your husband?”

  Looking into his eyes, his expression showed he’d like to cut his tongue out and take back those words. She glanced away from his intense gaze to see another shooting star trying to find the right words to explain. This part wasn’t easy to talk about with a man. She cringed, fighting her own battle of personal shame, but she wanted to tell him everything. “When I became ill I couldn't take care of his needs. It was too much for him. The fact I couldn’t be a normal wife and might end up in a wheelchair turned him off and he found another woman.”

  She shook her head and moved slightly away from him. Now he knew her secrets and probably regretted being with her. “I don’t blame him anymore. I’ve moved on from the emotional pain caused by his actions. I have too many other things to deal with on a daily basis.”

  “He was wrong.” He held her close making her feel comforted and safe again. “He was a fool and should’ve stood by you and helped you through your ordeal. Don’t judge all men by him. There are good men in this world.”

  For an instant, her vow not to become involved shattered with his words. She knew he was just being kind, but she enjoyed being close to his strong body, wondering if there would ever be anyone who’d love her enough to stick by her like he put it. “I’m sure you’re right. However, I don’t need anyone. I have to make it on my own.” She had been hurt physically and emotionally, but now she could stand on her own two feet.

  He gave her a doubtful expression. “I’m sure you could, if that's your decision. You’re a strong woman. It took a lot of courage for you to fight your way back.”

  Yes. Lots of hard work. "Well, thanks for listening. But now I want to hear about you. You’ve heard my story,
you know my darkest secrets. Tell me yours. I know very little about you.” Maybe he would tell her why he was an ex-con. Maybe it wasn’t a game maybe she was wrong about him.

  “There’s not much to tell. I was born in Houston, Texas. Most of my relatives still live there, but my favorite aunt lives in Montrose, Colorado.”

  “Do you see them often?”

  “Not the relatives in Texas. My grandfather disowned me when I got into some trouble.”

  “Disowned you?” She was shocked. “What did you do?” Nana wouldn’t disown her for anything short of murder. Had he killed someone? A shiver crawled up her spine. Had he fooled her with his kindness?

  “I don’t like to talk about it. He hesitated. "But I’ll tell you. I’m sure you’ll hear about it if you haven’t already. It might as well come from me,” he said turning back toward the stars.

  He tapped his free hand against the door panel, trying to find the right words. “I was living in a small town near Houston at the time. I had married a girl my family didn’t approve of—she didn’t measure up to the standards my family had set for me. I guess it was my way of breaking away from them.”

  “What kind of standards? I don’t understand.” A sliver of moonlight caught his eyes when he glanced at her. Her heart beat in an unsteady rhythm while she listened attentively to him speak. This is what she wanted—to find out once and for all what he had done to become an ex-con.

  “Well, I had just graduated college and we eloped and were married. Grandpa wanted me to have the marriage annulled. He said there were bigger and better things ahead for me."

  "Like what?" She didn’t understand.

  "I had been working on a plan to change oil machinery into an irrigation system. I was going to revolutionize the market.” He laughed. “Big dreams for a kid, but the bottom had fallen out of the oil market and here all these ranchers were stuck with this machinery they couldn’t use. Anyway, his plans for me didn’t include a wife from the wrong side of town. I didn’t do as he asked and he disowned me—simple as that. I’ve been on my own ever since.”