by Nicola May
‘Alex, it’s Dan, just checking what the plan is with Evie tonight?’
‘Oh hiya, I forgot to say earlier, I’m doing my first gig tonight, some corporate do at The Berystede Hotel. I’m so nervous. I’m at rehearsals now actually. Sal is going to pick Evie up from nursery, so if you wouldn’t mind collecting her from Sal’s, at say six, that would be great.’
‘Cool, no worries. Break a leg and all that.’
‘Cheers, Dan.’
Jess heard her phone and answered it. ‘Hi Jess, it’s me, how’s it going?’
‘Fine, fine, Mr Harris. Busy though, just doing sound checks for the event tonight.’
‘Oh yeah, I forgot you weren’t around later, whereabouts are you?’
‘I’m just in Ascot at The Berystede Hotel, which is great, as I shouldn’t be that late home.’
‘Jess?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you having a comedienne at your event?’
Jess was surprised at his question, as he never usually showed such an interest in her events. ‘Er, yeah. A new kid on the block, goes by the name of Ali Meadows. She seems really nice.’
‘Jess?’
‘Yes, Dan.’
‘I think you’ve been conversing with my ex-girlfriend.’
‘Oh my God. No!’
‘It’s fine, Jess, she’s been harping on about meeting you anyway, now you’re spending so much time with Evie. Wish I could be a fly on the wall.’
‘I wish you could too and I’d swat you good and hard.’ Jess laughed.
‘Good luck, darling, and defo call me later.’
Alex walked towards Jess to see what time she could do a complete run through before the event kicked off. Jess held out her hand.
‘Alex – Jessica Morley.’
Chapter Eleven
‘You’re not my mummy!’
Jessy sighed, and continued her journey to the comforting row of red wine bottles, ignoring the suspecting glances of weekend shoppers.
‘I hate you.’ Evie continued her insecure rant, her hair now stuck to her face with tears. ‘I want my daddy.’
‘Surprisingly I want him too. Now come on, baby girl, let’s be friends today shall we?’
‘Want chocolate!’ Evie screeched.
Jess strapped the still screaming Evie into her car seat and loaded the shopping into the boot. She was in tears herself when she reached Emma’s.
Silence at last. The now sleeping Evie looked so peaceful and sweet that Jess could not help but feel a strong surge of love for her. She positioned the car so that she could see when the sleeping child woke up.
‘Hello stranger.’ Em greeted her. She noticed Jess had been crying. ‘What’s up, mate?’
‘Oh, Em, I really am at my wit’s end. I try so hard, but nothing I seem to do is ever right. Daddy this, Daddy that. She just pushes me away all the time.’
‘Where is Daddy today then?’
‘He’s gone to some music festival with Matt, I said I’d have her for the day as it’s Alex’s birthday and Rob has taken her away for the weekend.’
Emma handed Jess a cup of tea and sat down at the kitchen table, sighing as she took the weight off her feet. ‘Bliss – Mark has taken the kids to his mum’s for the afternoon. It’s so lovely to have a bit of peace.’
‘I totally understand where you’re coming from now. This mother lark is not as easy as it looks.’ Jess managed to raise a smile and continued. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m chuffed that they’ve both agreed for me to look after her today, but God I’m finding it hard.’
‘At least she feels secure enough to push you away,’ Emma piped up. Jess looked confused as Emma continued. ‘I remember reading once that if a child feels secure with you they are confident enough to push you away, as they know there is no way that you would ever leave them.’
‘Comforting, Em, but sorry at this precise moment, that doesn’t make me feel much better.’ Jess sighed. ‘It’s not just Evie, its Dan as well. He doesn’t like me disciplining her. She tipped yoghurt all over my carpet on purpose last night and I was really cross. When I told her off, he had a right go at me.’
Emma tutted. ‘You spend so much time with her now he can’t possibly think he can do all the parenting.’
‘I know, I know, but try telling him that. He also says I feed her too much. Surely a child that young knows when she’s had enough? I always thought I’d make a good mum, it was probably a good thing I didn’t go through with the pregnancy. I feel so useless.’ Her voice tailed off and tears welled in her eyes again.
‘Oh, Jess, I’m sure it’s going to get better, it’s all so new, he’s only been living with you for a couple of months,’ Emma soothed.
‘And that’s another thing,’ Jess continued her rant. ‘He worryingly said he felt trapped the other night. He was the one who moved in with me. I didn’t ask him to, it just happened. As soon as he knew Evie would settle in my spare room that was it.’
‘Look, Jess,’ Emma interjected. ‘I can see why he did move in. It makes life a whole lot easier for him I should imagine. It can’t be easy bringing a young child up on a boat.’
‘He’s the one who says he feels trapped but, if I’m realistic, I also feel that way. I do, do an awful lot. I always get up first and make Evie’s breakfast. I play with her until he’s ready to get up. I cook, clean, and do all their washing. Sometimes I feel that I actually am his mother.’
‘It’s just a blip I’m sure, Jess. Living with someone is hard enough, without a young child in tow. Maybe you should stop doing so much for him though. He does sound like he’s laying it on you a bit.’
‘It’s my own stupid fault; you know what I’m like, ever the pleaser.’ Jess exclaimed.
‘Yeah, and look where that’s got you before.’
‘I know, I know but I don’t think I’ll ever change.’
‘How are things when you’re alone? Are you still at it like rabbits?’ Emma smiled wanting to change the subject.
‘It’s calmed down a bit now.’ Jess smiled back at her. ‘A lot of that due to the fact that we are always together on the nights he has Evie, and when he hasn’t he tends to go out with this mates quite a lot.’
‘Oh. That’s not so good.’ Emma pondered.
‘I’m trying not to moan about it. I love spending time with him and, once Evie is in bed, then we are alone.’
‘Alone, but you’re not out and about.’ Emma picked up. ‘I think it’s time you and Daniel Harris had a chat.’
‘I’m so scared of losing him though, Em.’
‘You have to be honest with yourself though, mate. You’ve got the rest of your life to think of and I don’t want you being treated like a doormat.’
‘Shit, I better check on Evie.’ Jess glanced out of the window, the screaming monster was back. She ran outside. ‘It’s OK, angel, I’m here, come on inside and I’ll get you some chocolate.’
Once inside the kitchen, Emma handed Evie a kit-kat finger.
‘No.’ Evie shouted and knocked the chocolate out of Emma’s hand. ‘I want my daddy!’
Chapter Twelve
Alex drove straight to Sally’s after the gig. She pushed her way through the door, lit a Marlboro Light, and sat at Sal’s kitchen table. ‘You will never guess what happened today!’ Alex said dramatically.
‘You fell off the stage? Your pants fell down? You were spotted by a talent scout?’ Sal laughed.
‘None of the above.’ Alex smiled. ‘But, as well as me being word perfect and getting loads of cheers and no heckles, I only met the one and only Jessica Morley.’
‘No shit Sherlock, what’s she like?’ Sal exclaimed.
‘I hate to say it, but she’s actually really nice.’
‘No, I mean what does she look like?’ Sal asked inquisitively.
‘Annoyingly, she’s actually really pretty and she doesn’t look her age at all. She’s really confident and was wearing trendy clothes. I can see why Dan fell for her.’
/> ‘So what did she have to say for herself?’
‘Not a lot really. She was really considerate where Evie was concerned, said what a beautiful little girl we had, and made a point of telling me that Dan did all the disciplining. I know she said that to put my mind at rest.’
‘So, no pistols at dawn then?’
‘Not at all, we were both very civil. It’s all water under the bridge now. I’m glad I’ve met her actually. It’s strange not knowing who your child is spending so much time with, and at least now I know.’
Sal stood up. ‘As much as I love you, Ali Meadows, you are going to have to go now, as I have a hot filly waiting for me in my boudoir.’
‘Dirty bitch.’ Alex laughed. ‘I’ll get off then. See ya soon.’
Chapter Thirteen
Jess woke up and looked at her watch. It was 5 a.m. Ever since their seven-month relationship had begun, Dan had always called her to say goodnight. He must have run out of battery she thought and drifted back to sleep.
Chapter Fourteen
Dan and Matt fell wide-eyed out of The Breakhaus. Their ears were still ringing from the club’s loud dance music. It was 6 a.m. ‘Breakfast, mate?’ Matt enquired.
‘Yeah, let’s go to that little cafe round the corner,’ Dan replied woozily.
They slurped on their large mugs of tea whilst they waited for their fry-up.
‘What an amazing night,’ Matt said sleepily.
‘Yeah, Adam Freeland just does it every time doesn’t he, he’s a legend.’ Dan perked up.
‘What’s the vibe for today then, Danny Boy?’
‘Thankfully I haven’t got Evie, so sleep it is.’
‘Will Jess be cool with that?’
‘She actually doesn’t even know I’m here. I just said I was out with you.’
‘Not like you not to be honest,’ Matt stated.
‘Yeah well, I haven’t been feeling very happy lately. I’ve sort of moved in and it’s all got a bit much. I left Alex because I didn’t want to be a married man at my age and now it feels like I’ve fallen into exactly the same pattern.’
‘Shit, so what are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know, mate, don’t get me wrong, Jess is amazing and she is so good with Evie, even though I know she finds it hard. I love the fact that she does look after me. She does all my washing, cooking, cleaning, the lot.’
Matt looked knowingly at him. ‘She’s not your mother mate.’
Dan sighed as reality hit. ‘I think I want to be single again. I haven’t really lived yet. I’m not ready to settle down.’ He paused. ‘It’s so hard as I know how much I am going to miss her.’
‘When are you going to tell her?’ Matt enquired.
‘I really don’t know. Not today that’s for sure, especially on a come down. She’s going to be devastated. I’ll be taking Evie away from her too. God, what a mess!’
‘As I’ve said to you before, Dan: you’ve got to be honest with yourself, as well as her. Life’s not a game, mate, and the sooner you do it the better for everyone’s sake.’
Chapter Fifteen
‘Hello gorgeous boy.’ Jess greeted Dan at the front door as she heard his key in the lock. She was wearing an outfit she knew he loved, and had had her hair blow dried especially for her night out with him.
‘You look great, Jess. I love your new hair.’
Tonight she was determined they were going to work through their problems. There was something too special between them not to make it work. She had let it go that he had stayed on the boat last night. She wanted him to feel that he could have as much freedom as he wanted.
‘Do you mind if we don’t go out tonight, Jess? I’m quite fancying just chilling out with a couple of beers and a curry here.’
Jess put her hands on her hips. ‘Actually I do, Dan.’
Dan was surprised; usually Jess was so compliant to his needs. She managed to keep her voice at a level, even though she could feel the anger bubbling inside of her. ‘Look, Dan. We only really see each other when Evie is here, but tonight we haven’t got her and I want to go out, just you and me.’
‘But I’m knackered, Jess. Had a really late one with Matt last night.’ He patted the sofa. ‘Mrs Robinson. Come and sit right here.’ He cocked his head and smiled at her, he knew he could win her round.
‘It’s not on, Dan. Can’t you think about me for a change? It’s not all about you, you know. We’re a partnership, or that’s what I thought.’
‘Stop nagging me, Jess, look – I said I’m tired.’
Jess raised her voice. ‘I’m not bloody nagging you. I’m just stating what I think is right.’
Dan bit his lip. He had never seen Jess angry before. She carried on with her rant. ‘I feel like a fucking skivvy half the time. I do everything I can to make life as
easy for you and Evie as possible. I cook, I clean, and do all your ironing.’
‘I’ve never ever asked you to do any of it, Jess.’ Dan rightly replied. Then, without thinking, he said the thing that he vowed he would never say to her. ‘Anyone would think you were my fucking mother!’
Jess was silent for a minute and stormed to the kitchen. Dan ran after her, realising the harshness of his outburst. ‘I’m sorry, babe. That was really out of order. I do really appreciate everything you do for us, but I’ve never asked you to do it.’
‘What’s happening to us, Dan? Ever since you and Evie have moved in, it’s been so hard. I loved it when you were living on the boat and we spent more time together –alone.’
‘Evie is the most important person in my life.’ Dan stated bluntly.
‘I know that, Dan, but I’d quite like to be a close second.’ She sighed and raised her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Dan. You’re my world, you know that. I love you so much.’
And then the knife turned in Jess’s heart as he replied. ‘And that Jess is the problem – because you’re not mine.’
Her lip began to tremble as Dan continued. ‘Jess, I’m really not happy at the moment. I need some time out.’
She began to cry. She’d heard this too often before and knew it was the beginning of the end.
‘Please don’t cry. I got in a rut with Alex. I felt I was too young to be settled down then. It’s like I’ve fallen into that same rut. Don’t get me wrong – I love spending time with you but like I’ve said before I can’t see us together in ten years time.’
‘You’re a fool to not see what we’ve got together though, Dan.’ Jess raised her voice and then softened. ‘How about you take a couple of weeks out? Get your head straight, we can work this out, I know we can.’
‘I think I need longer than that, Jess. I need to spend time on my own. I don’t want anyone else, so please don’t think that.’
‘I don’t think I could do any more for you to make you happy,’ Jess stated.
‘You couldn’t, Jess, you are the most generous, kind and loving person I’ve ever met. It’s just not where I see my future lying.’
‘Is it because of my age?’ Jess asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.
‘Being honest with you, Jess, I hate to say this to you, but yes. I told you this before. I’m not ready to settle down yet and you so obviously are. I’ve still gotta lot of living to do.’
‘I love Evie,’ she said softly. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing her again.’
‘I know you do and that’s why this is so difficult too. You made a great mum to her Jess and I mean that, despite it being hard at times. And you will make a great mum to your own child too.’
‘But just not with you, hey?’ She started to cry again.
‘Jess, I’m so sorry. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I am going to miss you so much.’
‘Don’t go then, Dan.’
‘I have to.’
Jess was clutching at straws. ‘What if we go back to how we were, you move back to the boat, see your friends, we could see each other a couple of times a week? I’d
never stop you doing anything you wanted to do.’
‘Jess, no, it wouldn’t work. You wouldn’t be able to cope with that, I know you. You’re an all-or-nothing kind of lady and that’s why I was attracted to you in the first place.’
‘Tell me you’re not attracted to me now.’ Jess demanded.
‘Jess, I will always fancy the arse of you.’ He half smiled.
‘So, you love my company, you still want to shag me, isn’t that a relationship? I think you’re making a big mistake, Dan. I’ve had a few love affairs in my time but nothing has ever matched the intensity of this. I don’t know quite what you’re looking for but if you find this again I’ll be very surprised.’
‘I’m going to go now, Jess.’
‘So that’s it, you’re just upping and leaving me right now?’
‘I see no point in me staying, we will go over the same ground again and again and there’s just no point.’
Tears were rolling down Jess’s cheeks. ‘Please stay with me just for one more night.’ She pleaded.
‘No, Jess, I have do what’s right by you and that wouldn’t be fair.’
‘I haven’t even said goodbye to Evie.’
‘We’re still going to be good mates, Jess, how could we not? You’ll see Evie again I promise.’
Jess then realised just how big the age gap was. Dan’s innocent, never yet broken heart just didn’t get it. How on earth could she be friends with him? She loved him far too much to ever just be able to like him.
She sat on the sofa while he packed his things. He even cleared Evie’s bedroom of her toys. He came in from packing the car. ‘Right, I think that’s it,’ he said bravely.
He hugged her tightly and they both started to cry. ‘Goodbye, Jess, thank you for being so lovely.’ Dan didn’t look back.
Jess slammed the front door, ran upstairs, and threw herself onto her bed sobbing.
Chapter Sixteen
Not since the death of her mother had Jess felt such sorrow. Jess had always thought the expression ‘broken heart’ was a myth but the pain she was actually feeling inside made her think that one half of her heart had actually fallen into her stomach. Every other hour after Dan had walked out the door, she had been physically sick. She felt that if she cried any more she would surely have no more tears left for anything else that might upset her.