by Nicola May
She barely slept that night and had to call Sam in the morning to say that she was unwell, and that somebody else from Lemon Events would have to head up the conference she was managing for them, at the end of the week. She stayed in bed for two days just venturing out to get water and to go to the toilet. Somehow she felt safe under her duvet. Like the real world was not happening, she could escape and feel safe. She could see no purpose in being there without Dan. Light turned into dark and dark into light. Never before had she loved anyone with such passion, and she felt she would never love again. She began to regret getting rid of their baby. At least she thought she would have something to remind her of Dan and would get to see him occasionally. She felt that a world without Dan was like a world without sunshine.
She had called Emma, but didn’t make any sense through her sobbing. Phoebe arrived to try and console her but she just sat there blankly. Being told that time was a healer and that she was too good for him anyway just didn’t help. She was in love with him and that was that. Without him, she could see no light at the end of the tunnel. She could see no point in carrying on.
She found some sleeping tablets in her bathroom cabinet. Maybe if she just took five she would at least sleep for a long time, wake up in a month, and then feel better. She poured herself some water and then the phone rang. She let it go to message. ‘Auntie Jessica we love you.’ Georgina and Annabel trilled. She threw the tablets down the toilet and started to cry again. At 11 p.m. the tick, tick, tick, of her bedroom clock seemed to mark every second she was spending without him. She got up and ripped it off the wall. She dialled his number. Through stifled sobs she tried to talk to him. ‘I, I can’t do this without you, Dan Harris. I don’t know what I’m going to do.’
‘Oh, Jess, baby, you’ll be fine in time,’ Dan soothed.
‘I won’t. I can’t see any purpose without you. I love you so much.’ She hung up.
‘Time, fucking time!’ she shouted.
Every second felt like an hour. On day three she managed to drag herself out of bed and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her eyes were like golf balls, accompanied by golf bags. Their sparkle had followed him out the door. Her hair was tangled and greasy and she could actually smell her own body odour. She walked downstairs and suddenly ravenously hungry, she made herself some toast and a cup of tea. She sat in her garden sipping her tea and stared blankly ahead.
Without Dan and Evie the silence of her house took on a silence of its own. Never before had she wanted so much for her beautiful mum to appear in the doorway and tell her that everything was going to be alright. She literally yearned to see Dan. She couldn’t even imagine never talking to him again. She felt like he had died and she had died inside. She tried to read a magazine but didn’t give a shit about who was zooming who, or who was now a size zero. She tried to watch television but everything she watched just seemed meaningless and trite. In her eyes, without Dan there was no future. She would just exist, that would be it. Go through the motions. She didn’t want anyone else but him. She would see her friends and family, eat, sleep, and go to bed, that would be it. She didn’t want to go outor ever go on holiday again; her life as she knew it was over.
Day four at the Heartbreak Hotel and Hope appeared. She had been calling and calling Jess and got no answer so had assumed the worst had happened. An unkempt Jess answered the door. Hope kicked off her kitten heels and gave her a huge hug. ‘Now, darling girl, I cannot bear to see my gorgeous friend in such a mess.’ She ran upstairs and ran a deep bubble bath. She helped Jess up off the sofa. ‘Now get up there and get in that bath right now. I don’t want to see you until you’re squeaky clean.’
Jess did as she was told. While she was bathing Hope tidied up and washed up. Jess felt better for her bath. She threw on her comfiest pyjamas and came downstairs.
Hope had made her a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich. ‘Now get that down you,’ she said kindly and continued. ‘Oh, Jess, I’m so sorry. I’m not going to give you the time’s-a-healer shit, because at the moment I know that’s not what you want to hear. All I will say though is that if you’re missing him this much, even if he’s missing you a fraction of that, he’s going to be hurting a lot too.’ Jess started to cry.
‘In a way, that’s all I want to know – if he’s missing me too.’ She sobbed.
‘Jess, how could he possibly not be? You are the biggest person I’ve ever met. You did nothing wrong. It was just bad timing that’s all.’ Jess blew her nose. ‘He told you himself that he adores you and still fancies you. That doesn’t happen often when you split up now does it?’
Jess began to shout. ‘That’s why it’s so fucking stupid. He bloody loves me Hope. I know he does. He’s let his head rule his heart and that really annoys me.’
‘Part of him is doing it for you though, sweetie.’
‘Bollocks, he’s a selfish bastard. I couldn’t have done any more for him. We couldn’t have had any more fun. Sex could not possibly been any better, what the fuck is wrong with him? Oh, Hope, I’m hurting so badly.’
‘I know you are, angel, and if there was anything I could do to take that away I would, I promise you. Shit, I might have to say the time’s-a-healer line in a minute.’
They both started to laugh and then Jess started to immediately cry again. ‘God I’m a mess.’
‘It will get better, baby.’ Hope was nearly in tears too.
‘But I love him so much and I can’t ever see that going away.’
‘I know you do, Jessy. I’m staying with you all day and tonight darling, you won’t have to feel lonely today at least.’
‘Thanks, Hope. I’m so desperate to call him.’
‘I know you are, but try not to. It’s still too raw; you won’t have anything worthwhile to say to him. He fell in love with the confident Jessy Morley. He won’t be able to cope with you like this. Leave him alone if you can.’
Jess slept fitfully. She woke up at 5 a.m. and smiled at the sleeping Hope next to her. She checked her phone for messages – nothing. She stared up at the ceiling. She wished she was anywhere and nowhere all at the same time. She got up and went downstairs. A letter that’s what she’d do. She read somewhere that it was helpful to write feelings down; she wouldn’t have to send it. She would type it and re-read whenever she needed to in the hope it would make her feel better.
Chapter Seventeen
Three long weeks went by. She had bravely managed not to contact him. She didn’t even send him her heartfelt letter. It had been good therapy to write it, but felt that, as he hadn’t even bothered to call her, he probably wouldn’t even have bothered to read it. She had thrown herself into a new work project and had managed to immerse herself into a new Carole Matthews novel. She played her Jack Johnson CD so many times that she thought it would wear out. Somehow reading had taken over from hiding under her duvet. She was now hiding behind the characters instead. As long as she was immersed in someone else’s life, time seemed to go by faster.
She was just writing an event project plan when Hope called. ‘Fancy going away for a few days honey? I’ve found a good deal to Lanzarote. I’ve checked the flights. We could go next Thursday and come back the following Monday. Cheap and cheerful but it would be good to get some sun don’t you think?’ Hope held her breath. She had no idea what her friend would say.
‘Do you know what, Hope, that sounds like a marvellous idea. Let’s book it.’
‘Well done, Jess, I’ll come over to you tonight to finalise everything.’
Jess had come out of the major heartbreak hole. She still thought about Dan every minute of the day but managed to hold off the tears most days now. She thought if she had any chance of getting back with him, she would need to disappear. Let the bastard wonder where she was for a change, rather than be so readily available.
Hope wiggled up to Jess who was waiting for her at the Suntours check-in desk. Her denim miniskirt and low-cut top attracted the attention of a ten strong stag party, who were a
ll wearing antlers.
‘Hope Adams!’ Jess laughed heartily. ‘You’ve still got it, baby.’
‘See what you just did, Jess?’ Jess looked at her friend quizzically.
‘You just laughed out loud.’ Hope was right, Jess had not laughed out loud for a month now. She was getting better. She was starting to get over Daniel Harris. ‘Daniel who?’ Hope would say every time Jess mentioned him on the flight.
The chitter-chattering of excited children, the pit-pat of balls on bats, and the sound of the sea lapping against the shore lulled Jess into a peaceful doze on her sun bed. Hope was next to her, her huge boobs out for the world to see.
‘Fanta limon, cocka, massage!’ The Fanta man smiled over them, purposely shading their sun.
‘No gracias,’ Jess murmured from her face down position and laughed heartily. ‘Hope, those puppies of yours never fail to get us in trouble. Then, Jess’s mobile rang from her beach bag. She lazily reached for it. ‘Oh my God, Hope, it’s him!’ Hope sat upright and listened intently.
‘Hello.’
‘Hello, Mr Harris,’ Jess replied as breezily as possibly. Her hands were trembling.
The long ring tone had alerted Dan to the fact that Jess was abroad. ‘Sorry to disturb you, didn’t even think you might be working away.’
‘I’m not working, Dan. I’m actually lying on a beach with the lovely Hope Adams, it’s absolute bliss.’
‘That is so random, Jess, whereabouts are you?’
‘Say Barbados,’ Hope urged.
‘Oh just in Lanzarote for the weekend actually.’
‘Oh err, well have a good time, Jess, good to hear you.’
‘Bye Dan.’ Jess sat up on her sunbed, clenching her fists to her mouth in excitement.
‘So what exactly did he want?’ Hope said.
‘He didn’t say. He seemed so bloody shocked that I was on holiday he was lost for words.’
‘Well good job. He’s a fool if he can’t see what he’s let go, Jess. Let the bastard suffer now.’
‘Hope!’
‘Jess, don’t stick up for him. He will so regret leaving you. As time goes on, he will realise you were the best thing that ever happened to him.’
Jess, spurred on by knowing that Dan still obviously did care for her, had a wonderful few days in the sun. She and Hope sunbathed, drank sangria, ate wonderful food, and danced ’til dawn. On Monday morning, they stood in the hundred-deep check-in queue at Arrecife airport.
‘You are looking so good, Jess, your face is kinda relaxed and that tan makes you look hot, hot, hot!’
‘I really feel so much better too. Thanks so much for suggesting we do this, Hope. You’ve been a complete rock and I really appreciate it.’ She kissed her friend’s cheek.
‘Phone, Jess.’ Hope alerted her. Jess scurried around in her handbag.
‘Jess, it’s me.’ She mouthed to Hope that it was Dan again and made a face.
‘Sorry, I thought you’d be back, when are you home?’
‘Um, later tonight, you OK, Dan?’
‘Yeah, er yeah I’m fine, just wanted to say hello really.’
‘Well hello, Dan.’ Jess replied strongly. ‘Look I’ve got to go I’m at the airport.’
‘Well safe trip back and all that.’
‘Bye, Dan.’
‘So?’ Hope enquired. ‘What did he want this time?’
‘Wanted to know when I was home. He so wants me back, Hope.’
‘Jess, you don’t know that, he may just be being nice, checking you are OK, you know.’
‘Hope, he’s called me twice, knowing the second time I probably was still away, of course he wants me.’
‘We need to discuss on the plane, he can’t keep doing this to you. He said he wanted time out and that’s what you’ve got to let him have. Have some more respect for yourself, Jess, please.’ Jess knew that Hope was talking sense. She, too, would have given her friend the same warning but, blinded by her love for this young man, all she knew was that she couldn’t wait to see him. Just hearing his voice again made her realise just how much she still loved him.
Chapter Eighteen
Tuesday morning, Jessica Morley woke up bright and alert. She checked her body in her bedroom mirror and was pleased at what she saw. Her tan accentuated her now sparkly blue-green eyes and her body looked even more toned than usual, due to her heartbreak, and the one hundred lengths she’d swam in the hotel pool every morning on holiday.
She opened her laptop and logged in. Great – only two work emails. She loved the summer, as it was quiet for her and she could take lot of time out for herself. She had only been online for ten minutes when Dan came on to messenger. Her heart began to beat faster.
Dan says:
Back then?
Jess says:
No, I’m in an internet café, decided to stay :)
Dan says:
:) What are you doing later?
Jess says:
Haven’t even thought about it yet.
Dan says:
It’s just Evie’s been asking after you. Do you fancy meeting up after work? Thought we could take her for a bite to eat.
Jess says:
Oh, Dan, I’m not sure.
Dan says:
I’m ready to be friends.
Jess says :
I’m not sure if I am yet.
Dan says:
It’ll be fine, Jess, just a couple of hours together and it would make Evie really happy.
Jess says:
Well, OK, then. Let’s meet at The Golden Dog at say six? There’s a play area for Evie there.
Dan says:
Cool. See you later.
She immediately phoned the hairdresser’s and got an appointment for that afternoon.
She had to ring Hope
‘ Don’t tell me off, but I’m seeing him later.’
‘ Oh, Jess, I’m not sure that’s a good idea at all. It will bring all your feelings to the surface and you’re doing great now.
‘ He wants to see me, because Evie is asking after me – nothing more.’
Well, I think he’s being selfish. That poor little girl is going to be as confused as you.’
‘It’s fine, don’t worry. I am going to look so damn sexy, be really strong and walk away. I want him to remember me like that, not the snivelling wreck he left a month ago. He’s going to get such a burst of the beautiful Ms. Morley today, that it will leave him wanting. Then in a few weeks, 'cos I will be really strong – by then, we can start our friendship, and I can see Evie when I want to.
‘I hate to say this, Jess, but I think you’re deluded. I really don’t think you should go but…’
‘Go on… but what?’
‘If it was me in your position, I would so do the same. Just keep me posted, baby.’
‘I will. Have a good day, darling.’
Chapter Nineteen
Dan handed Jess a glass of rosé. The River Thames sparkled in the evening sunshine and swans drifted gracefully by the side of the boat. It had been so lovely to spend some time with Evie, who had actually run into her arms when she arrived at the pub. Dan was obviously bowled over by how good Jess looked; in fact he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of her. It seemed such a natural thing for her to follow him back over to the boat.
With Evie asleep in the bottom deck, they now had time alone to talk. Jess’s feelings hadn’t changed for Dan – in fact she felt like she loved him even more. They both took a toke of a joint. The sunset was particularly stunning on this fine summer evening and Jess felt more relaxed and content than she had done for a long time. She lay back on the beanbags that Dan had strategically placed on the top deck and closed her eyes. The next thing she knew was Dan’s lips on hers. They began to kiss fast and passionately. Jess didn’t need to question her actions – she wanted this man – and she wanted him now. She pulled up her skirt and revealed white lacy panties that accentuated her now golden skin. ‘You look so sexy in white.’ Dan pan
ted as he ripped off his shorts. Jess pushed him back down on the beanbag.
‘God I love you, Daniel Harris.’ She gasped and sat astride him.
‘Woah, slow down, Jessy baby, I want to make love to you all night.’
They rocked backwards and forwards tending and teasing each other for what seemed like hours. Then all of a sudden they were again making love fast and furiously, their sweat-drenched bodies sliding against each other. Spent, they lay looking at each other and smiling.
‘Mrs Robinson, I’ve really missed you,’ Dan uttered, softly stroking Jess’s cheek.
Dan made Jess a make shift bed up on the top deck, and went to sleep downstairs so that he wouldn’t miss Evie if she cried.
Jess woke up bright and early, to the sound of ducks quacking and the gentle whirring of other boats going past. She looked up to the sky, smiled, and made her way down to see Dan and Evie. Evie was still asleep, so she snuck into bed with Dan and curled up next to him. He put his arm around her and then suddenly moved it.
‘No, Jess.’
‘What do you mean, Dan? No!’
‘Last night was great, amazing in fact, but I didn’t make you any promises.’
Jess went rigid as Dan continued. ‘You were flirting so much with me in the pub, and when you said you were cool and we should live for the moment – well I took that as read.’
She gulped and no words would come out of her now dry mouth. Dan’s voice brightened. ‘It’s really weird: I don’t get it with us. When I left Alex the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with her, let alone shag her. With you I just still love being with you.’
Jess couldn’t believe the stupidity of this naïve young man. She got out of bed, marched up to the top deck, found her scattered clothes, and got dressed. She then stomped back down to his bedroom.
‘So last night meant nothing, it was just a good fuck is that what you’re saying, Dan?’