So Over It

by Stephanie Morrill

  A thrill ran up my spine as my hands grew clammy with fear. How could I be so conflicted about the idea of moving out on my own? A year ago, when my life was warring parents and a pesky little sister, I’d yearned for this moment. Now that it had arrived, would I be brave enough to seize it?

  Walking through the house to the back porch, I heard the muffled sound of my cell phone beeping from my beach bag, indicating a message. I thought I’d silenced it back at the beach.

  When I pulled out my phone, I found I’d missed another call from Connor and now had two voice mails. I couldn’t resist finding out why he’d called twice.

  As I waited for my password to register, Kelli’s loud, clear laugh reached me. Why was I wasting time checking voice mail? I should be out on the patio enjoying my new friends.

  I moved my finger to disconnect the call, but stopped when Connor’s excited voice burst in my ear. “I can’t believe you sent me such awesome news in a text message! I’m so happy for Heather. And Brent seems like a really nice guy. You like him, right? I think you said you did, but I can’t remember now. Anyway . . . thanks for letting me know. Talk to you later. Bye.”

  Thankfully no one could see me smiling. Or saving the message when it made so much more sense to just delete it.

  Connor’s voice came on the line again, this time more subdued. “Hey . . . I hoped you’d pick up, but I probably should’ve expected voice mail. Anyway, I thought I should apologize for yesterday when I hung up on you. I heard that guy and just . . . And it’s stupid because you told me when you left that we were over, so I had some idea that you’d be moving on, but . . . I don’t know. I sound stupid. All I wanted to say is I’m sorry for reacting the way I did.” He paused and my breath caught. “I miss you, Skylar. Hope to see you soon.”

  I snapped shut my phone, blinking away the tears blurring my vision. How could I even think of going back home? I’d just wind up back together with Connor. Or falling back into the trap I had this spring—Eli and parties and so on. I could not let that happen again.

  “Hey, Skylar, everything okay?” Justin called through the screen.

  I shoved my phone into my back pocket, along with my cozy feelings for Connor. “Everything’s fine.”

  I rejoined my new friends on the patio, all smiles and chatter. They didn’t know to look for the tick in my left eye to see if I was emotional. Or the bridge of my nose creasing when I fought back tears. They didn’t know me, but they wanted to, and I wanted them to. Or at least the things I didn’t mind sharing.

  And with their help, I could reinvent Skylar Hoyt.

  10

  “You, like, have to come back,” Lisa said with a loud pop of her gum. “There’s nothing to do here.”

  “Yeah, sounds great,” I said as I applied mascara. Juggling my cell phone, compact, and Lash Factor brought a pang of nostalgia for the spacious vanity in Abbie’s and my bathroom. At least in three days I wouldn’t be sharing Grammy and Papa’s half bath with my entire family.

  “Oh, has Madison told you? Eli’s hooked up with this really obnoxious girl. She laughs at everything he says. I’m not even kidding.”

  I forced myself to giggle along with her. I’d hate for Lisa to suspect I felt strange about Eli replacing me. Not that I hadn’t expected it. We hadn’t talked since that night Connor came to get me because of Abbie’s meltdown. Which, now that I thought about it, really irked me. Eli hadn’t even cared enough to see what the deal was with Abbie and if she was okay. How insulting.

  “Oh, and . . .” Lisa’s tone turned serious. “I’m pretty sure Connor and Jodi are official now.”

  All thoughts of Eli evaporated. “Why do you say that?” “Madison and I were at Starbucks yesterday, and they were there too.”

  My heart rate returned to normal. “Coffee at Starbucks doesn’t equal dating.”

  “I was definitely picking up a vibe.”

  “What kind of vibe?”

  “Like a dating vibe.”

  I rolled my eyes at my reflection. “Were they, like, holding hands or anything?”

  “No, but you know how they are. They’re practically Puritans.”

  I thought of Connor’s mouth warm against mine. There’d been passion, but an understanding that it belonged to us and we’d stay in control.

  “They’re not Puritans.” I snapped shut my mirror. “They just believe in self-restraint.”

  “Whatever. Tell me about Hawaii. I have to vacation vicariously.”

  “Hawaii’s . . . great.”

  “Well, that’s convincing.”

  “No, it is. It’s beautiful. And there’s this guy who—”

  Abbie entered our room, bringing Owen and a ripe-smelling diaper.

  “A guy who what?” Lisa asked. “Did you meet a guy, Skylar Lynn Hoyt? No surprise. What’s he like? Is he a native? Because they’re so hot.”

  “I’ll call you back later,” I said and hung up.

  “Bet you’ll be glad when we leave and you can have a private conversation,” Abbie said as she stretched Owen out on the floor. “I’m so ready to get away from here. I don’t know how I’m going to put up with Grammy until Thursday. How will you do it all summer? Or more?”

  Before I could answer, Abbie turned her head. “You hear that?” She scooted closer to the vent. “It’s Mom and Grammy.”

  “Abbie, maybe we shouldn’t—”

  “They’re talking about you.”

  I crouched beside Abbie just in time to hear Mom say, “Skylar wanting to stay here has nothing to do with me and Paul.”

  “You’re lying to yourself,” Grammy said. “The only time children want to leave home is when there’s something wrong.”

  “She’s eighteen. She starts college this fall. It’s a perfectly normal time for a child to leave the house.”

  “What about Abbie? She wants to stay.”

  Abbie gaped at me. “I so do not.”

  “Shh,” I said.

  “No, Mom. Abbie used to want to come here, back when Paul and I were having problems. But she’s fine now, and she’s happy in Kansas.”

  “Until next time Paul hurts you,” Grammy said, her voice soft. Or maybe it just seemed that way because it filtered through the vent. “He always seems to hurt you.”

  “That’s life. That’s marriage. I’ve hurt him too. Haven’t you and Dad hurt each other?”

  “Never like this. Never where we had to get counseling.” “There’s nothing wrong with us getting counseling,” Mom said. “At least we’re willing to work things out. Not just bury our problems and hope they disappear.”

  “I don’t know what you’re implying, Teri, but I don’t like it.”

  “Then I think you do know what I’m implying.” The unmistakable sound of a chair sliding against the linoleum. “Skylar staying is her business and me going home is mine. Don’t try making either of them yours.”

  A few seconds later, the front door slammed.

  We stared at the vent until Owen fussed and Abbie had to tend to him.

  “No Justin today?”

  I turned and found Papa seated on the patio bench, hands occupied with an electronic poker game.

  “He’s working.” I took a seat next to Papa. Mom, Dad, Abbie, and I were headed down to the beach, but it looked like I was the only one ready.

  “Seems like a nice guy, Justin.”

  “Yeah, he does.”

  “’Course, that Connor fellow sounds nice too.”

  When I looked at him with wide eyes, Papa smiled. “That sister of yours likes to talk.”

  “Great,” I muttered and burrowed my back into the bench cushion.

  We sat in our normal uncomfortable silence. Shouldn’t I know how to talk to my own grandfather? I wanted to say something, to get to know him, but didn’t know how. He seemed to have the same problem with me.

  Until now.

  He laid down his poker game. “Your mother—” He frowned, seemed to reconsider his words, and started again. “You
r mother and I have never gotten along. I knew how to handle her until she was about two, but after that we never communicated well. Same for her and Leilani. Teri was always our independent girl. Your aunt Sylvie wanted us involved in every detail of her life, but not Teri. She wanted to be alone, wanted to do it herself, and begrudged us for wanting to be involved.” Papa sighed. “And maybe we were too controlling. I don’t know anymore.”

  I thought of my mom, who’d erred on the side of being too hands-off. What would she have to say about this conversation? “Teri practically skipped onto the plane the day she left for college.” Papa turned to me, his eyes weary and sad. When I touched his hand, he brightened slightly. “You look so much like her. And you should understand that’s what’s so difficult for your grandma. When she sees you, she sees an opportunity for a do-over. And I think when your mother’s encouraging you to leave Kansas City, it’s because she did something very similar at your age and doesn’t want to admit it might not have been the right choice.”

  Papa fixed me with a hard look. “But you’re not your mom. And you can’t be responsible for fixing what went wrong so many years ago. You need to follow the path the Lord set out for you and you alone.”

  “But I don’t know what that is,” I said. “I don’t know what he wants.”

  Papa frowned. “Which will take more courage? More trust? Which will grow your character? Because your character is his primary concern.”

  The screen door squealed as Mom and Dad emerged from the house. “Abbie’s not out here?” Mom asked.

  “Nope.” I glanced at Papa, finding him once again absorbed by his poker game, as if our conversation had never happened. “You want to come to the beach with us, Papa?” I asked.

  “No thanks.” He didn’t even look up.

  I caught Mom rolling her eyes at Dad. Why couldn’t Papa have said everything to Mom that he’d said to me? Why did people do that? Act like they didn’t care while inside they ached all over? Stupid pride, that’s all it was. Not wanting to admit how badly they’d been hurt. As if keeping people at bay could fix anything.

  Abbie danced out the door. “He’s asleep. Let’s go.” She planted a kiss on Papa’s smooth cheek. “I gave Grammy all the instructions so you won’t have to do anything.”

  “You’re an angel,” Papa said. “Have a nice time.”

  As the four of us walked down the blacktop road, I realized it was the first time it’d been just us—no Owen, no one else—in a very long time. Perhaps since March.

  Maybe Mom had just realized the same thing, because she said, “It’s quiet without Owen. I miss him.”

  “Any more laughing?” Dad asked Abbie.

  “Any more laughing?” I said. “Did Owen laugh?”

  The three of them frowned at me. Dad said, “It must’ve happened yesterday when you were at lunch with Justin.” I gave Abbie an accusatory look. “And no one told me?”

  “I didn’t think to. Sorry.”

  My heart felt heavy. “I can’t believe I missed hearing him laugh the first time.”

  “You should get used to it,” Abbie said, her voice flippant.

  “Let’s not talk like that,” Mom said. “Let’s just enjoy our time.”

  And I really tried, but Abbie’s words taunted me throughout our walk. I didn’t want to miss everything with Owen. His first bites of food, crawling, hearing his attempts to say my name. Would he even know me if I came home in August? Or would he scream and cry when Abbie left him with me, same as he did with the strangers in the church nursery?

  “Are you crying?” Abbie asked.

  I blinked in the glaring sunlight and found my family watching me. “I want to go home with you on Thursday.” Mom pushed her sunglasses off her face. “You what?” “I don’t want to miss everything.”

  She frowned at this. “Skylar, you need to think this through. You don’t want to make a rash decision just because you’re scared of missing things.”

  “I’m not scared of missing things, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to miss Heather’s wedding. And Abbie’s birthday.”

  “I come in second?” Abbie asked.

  Mom shot her a silencing look. “If anyone understands that, Skylar, it’s me. But you can’t let fears run your life.”

  “But leaving home isn’t going to solve everything.” Abbie’s gaze pierced me. “Someone really smart once told me that. And she was right.”

  Mom looked from me to Abbie, then back to me. “Of course it won’t solve everything. Who said it would?”

  “Skylar thinks it will,” Abbie said. “She thinks all she needs is a new boyfriend and new friends and she’ll be good to go.”

  “Shut up,” I said. “That’s not true. I really thought I was supposed to be here. Like if I came to Hawaii, God could . . .” I waved my hands. I didn’t know how to say this. “Fix me.”

  “Fix you?” Dad rested a hand on my shoulder. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Aaron.

  My heart thundered with the thought. Aaron?

  I hadn’t allowed myself to think about him since that night at Sheridan’s, when Jodi told me he and Alexis were together now. I’d briefly worried about her safety and then focused on escaping to Hawaii, where I didn’t have anybody like Aaron or Jodi or Connor. Where nobody challenged me because nobody really knew me.

  “Hawaii’s a wonderful opportunity for you,” Mom said. “This’ll be the last time in your life when you can just take off. After this, there’ll be classes or work or family. I want you to consider staying, Skylar. Think about it, okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  I sat on the front porch pretending to read a magazine, but really waiting for Justin to get home from work. I wanted him to talk me into staying. Somehow over at the house with the three of them, staying made sense.

  Finally, about an hour later than normal, his truck struggled up the road. I made myself wait until he killed the engine, and then I danced across the street.

  “Hi,” I said with a brilliant smile. “How was work?”

  Justin smiled at me, but it seemed bland, as if he felt less than thrilled to see me. “I’d like to talk to you.”

  “Well, good, because here I am.”

  Now he didn’t smile at all. “But for how long?”

  I blinked. “For how long what?”

  “For how long are you here? And I want a straight answer this time.”

  “Okay, what’s going on?” I asked. “Why are you acting like this?”

  Justin ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “What are you doing with me, Skylar?”

  More blinking. What did that even mean? “Well, right now I’m standing with you on your driveway feeling really confused—”

  “Don’t be cute.” His eyes, which normally sparkled with friendliness, blazed. “Do you like me?”

  “What? Justin, of course I like you. I—”

  “I mean, do you like me, or are you just using me to kill some time? To get over someone else?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Where’s this coming from?”

  Justin sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. “Kelli talked to your sister earlier today. I guess she wanted to hold Owen or something, I don’t know. Anyway, Abbie told Kelli you’re thinking about going home on Thursday with the rest of your family.”

  I swallowed. “Okay, yeah, I’ve considered it, but—”

  “You said you were praying about staying,” Justin said. As if my returning to Kansas City signaled disobedience.

  “Would you let me finish a sentence?” I snapped. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, okay? I’m trying to sort stuff out. But stop yelling at me. It’s not like we were dating—”

  “Of course we were! You think I take random girls out to dinner? You think I cook for just anybody?”

  I took a deep breath, trying to maintain my cool. “So I guess technically we were dating, since we’d been on dates. What I meant was, I’d always talked about going home
in August, and you made it clear you don’t do summer flings. I thought we were waiting to see what I decided before we agreed to anything exclusive.”

  “You’re just like my ex,” Justin said. “You think you’re beautiful and can do whatever you want. You don’t care who you hurt.”

  I could feel my left eye spasm, but of course Justin didn’t know to look—something I’d liked so much about him. “That’s not fair. Of course I care about hurting you. You’re my friend and—”

  “We’re not friends, Skylar. I don’t believe in being friends with girls.”

  I rolled my eyes. “What about Kelli?”

  “It’s different because she’s Chase’s girlfriend. Kelli and I don’t go out for romantic dinners and then call ourselves ‘just friends.’”

  “You asked me out,” I said. “Should I have said no until I figured out what my life plans were and how you figured into them?”

  “If you liked me, it’d be one thing. But I’m beginning to think Kelli’s right, that you never liked me. That you were trying to get over someone else and you used me to fill space.”

  “Kelli said that?”

  “She said it Saturday night after you left. I told her she was just being overprotective after what happened with my last girlfriend. I told her you’re a nice girl.”

  I cringed at the description. I wasn’t a nice girl, I knew that. And so had sweet, wonderful Kelli. Somehow she’d known my dirty little secret.

  “Tell me what Kelli said isn’t true,” Justin said.

  I opened my mouth to say the words but couldn’t. “It’s true,” I said instead. “Kelli’s right.”

  Justin turned and walked away without even saying good-bye.

  He left me there to clean up my shattered fantasies about starting fresh, about being a new person here. How could I have been so stupid to think it’d really be that easy? Hadn’t I learned by now that the old Skylar still followed me around like a shadow? That she pounced on every opportunity I gave her? And it didn’t matter that I’d traveled over three thousand miles from where she’d been created.